defyinggravity

I hope it's ok to post this here...I just have a question for any parents out there with addicted children...I'm 26 and have identified as an addict/alcoholic since about 18 (I started using at 12). My parents have no idea. My mom may have had some idea that my drinking habits weren't all that healthy, but she has NO idea about the weed and cocaine (I live over 700 miles away from them but I was living at home during the peak of my alcoholism). I've been sober from alcohol since June (before which I hadn't had a drink since January), sober from cocaine since May 29 and I just quit the weed 2 days ago.

What I've never really thought much about is how my behaviors have affected my family, especially my parents. Even though they don't know I'm an addict, they've still been living with my addictive behaviors - though they may not understand why I behave the way I do, they still have to deal with it. So, I was curious to hear from parents, especially parents who may not have known what was going on the whole time, about how your child's addiction has affected your life. Did you know even though they thought you didn't? Were you upset, ashamed, sad, disappointed? I'm pretty selfish (inadvertently!) about thinking about how my addiction affects others, so I'm trying to make myself more aware of what I'm doing and I'd appreciate input from people who might have some input.

I'm opening the door to the possibility of one day telling my mom about this, but I have NO idea how she'll feel, how she'll react, etc. The last thing I want to do is hurt her or make her ashamed of me or give her cause to worry.

Thanks in advance and sorry if I shouldn't post this here!

Sunshine2

Gravity, my son admitted to smoking weed, but I found out many years later that it was much worse. Looking back I realised a lot of things that didn't make sense at the time, was confirmation of the extent of his addictions.

For many years I was angry, bitter, disappointed and sad about his behaviour and his lack of responsibility.

Eventually, I was the one who had to come to terms with my own feelings, in spite of his behaviour. I couldn't blame him for the way I felt about him and the way I treated him as a result anymore. I found peace. I think in a similar way it is ultimately your parents own responsibility to deal with whatever feelings they had about you.

However, if you were my son and you came and admitted everything, I would feel that you geniunely want to make amends and start over with honesty (as opposed to years of lies). I would appreciate the apology and apologise from my side for my years of enabling behaviour as well.

That is me, I don't know your parents or the reality of your relationship, but I think coming clean with humility and without defensiveness will touch your parents deeply.

Lovestoomuch

Firstly.....I know this is going to sound a bit silly. I don't know you personally, but my daughter is the addict in my life and after reading your post and hearing of your sober time I have this incredible urge to tell you how proud I am of you and hope you are proud of yourself......as you should be.

I knew.......my gut was telling me all along my daughter was addicted to something although I would have never imagined it was to Roxicodone. There's heroine in that little blue demon pill.

My daughter never lied to me.....until this. I did confront her and she flat out told me she wasn't on drugs and if I ever asked her a stupid question like that again she'd never speak to me again. I guess I wanted to believe her although I still knew something wasn't right.

Her and her boyfriend were always broke. He either had a short week or child support or something. I'm a waitress......but I'd been paying their bills for months cause I have a 4 year old grandson and well........I couldn't see him without lights or running water. It was hard. There was this battle going on inside my head.......support them or let them fall. But with a 4 year old in the picture, my heart wouldn't allow her to fall.


When she finally came to me it was 3 or 4 days into her self detox. She was in a great deal of pain. Until you become a parent yourself it's hard to explain what it feels like to see your child in so much pain. I was completely beside myself with worry. If I could have taken it away from her and put it all on me I would have done it in a half a heart beat.

Ashamed?? No.....never ashamed. Embarrassed??? No......not that either. Worried to death......Oh yea! Lose sleep? That too! I don't know what I'd do if I lost my little girl....and yes...she will always be my little girl.

I'm angry. I'm angry at her poor choices. I'm angry at the dealers who sell drugs and care nothing of the people they sell to. Some even call themselves friends.......really?? I'm hurt that she doesn't seem to love herself enough to know she's better than all of this. I'm frustrated. I want her to come back home and make a fresh new start and she won't. I know that until she's sick and tired of being sick and tired there's nothing I can say or do to change her mind.

She's been clean now for a little over 2 weeks and the pain has gone. She's gaining some of her natural energy back and is sleeping better. I pray. I pray a lot. I thank God everyday I still have my daughter in my life. There are parents who have lost their children to drugs. I can't even imagine.....

There won't be a day that goes by when I won't worry about my daughter. But don't let that stop you from telling your mother. You see.....even if you never had an addiction.....we still worry. We've been worrying since you were born. That will never change. A mother's love for her child is a very powerful thing.

Seren

I suspect as much as you believe that they know nothing, they probably know more than they are willing to admit. My hubby knew his son was drinking long before it become "the topic" in his family and with me (prior to our getting married). It was a dark cloud that hung over the house--the elephant in the room that no one talked about. I played a small role, but it was mostly my stepdaughter who convinced Mr. HG and her other brothers that something needed to be done, and they managed to get "Jr." to go to the hospital.

Sadly, "Jr." has used crack and pills to get high, too, and is still active in his addiction.

Congratulations to you on your clean time. It is something you should be very proud of! Take care!! HG

Ann

I knew, I had seen the behaviour with a couple of addicted business acquaintances and I just knew. I told my son I knew and that I hoped he got help soon. He denied of course, but it wasn't long before he confessed.

He has been in and out of the revolving door of active addiction/recovery for about 18 years now, missing and lost in his addiction somewhere for over 7 of these years.

I have experienced a variety of feelings over the years. Mostly fear and sadness, watching him self-destruct. Some anger, lots of frustration, and disappointed not in him but in the fact that addiction robbed both of us of our dreams for a wonderful future of marriage and grandchildren from him.

Today I say a prayer each morning, giving my son's care to God. That removes the fear that was crippling for me and replaces it with faith that all is well and unfolding exactly as it should.

You are still fairly new in your recovery but should be very proud of the good choices you have made. Perhaps dealing with your own feelings and demons and finding some solid ground first, may help you find the words later...and the acceptance of however they react to the news.

Good luck, you sound sincere and I hope this is all the beginning of a wonderful new tomorrow for you.

Hugs

hope213

i am very proud of you & hope u continue to get better. my son is my addict. my daughter told me about his addiction. i stood by him, i enabled him. i did this for many years until i found this site. this site saved my sanity. i was not ashamed of him to begin with. it came later on when he did not get clean & stay clean. people have a tendency to blame the parents. i was also sad all the time. he was in & out of rehabs, & prisons.
this has gone on for 23yrs. today we r both doing good. he is serving a 7 yr. prison term with 4 more yrs. to go. this time he is making good of the time he is in. he has gone to school to be an inmate peer cancelor & has been ask to go from school to school telling "his story". today i am proud of him for what he is accomplished. i am still ashamed of how he got here. i do not tell people i have a son in prison unless i have too. my advise is to wait until u have more clean time. parents worry & there is really no need to tell them. there is nothing they can do to help you. do i love my son? with all my heart!! hugs, hope & prayers to you.

December2011

DefyingGravity,

It is inspiring that you are in recovery, and have a chance at a fulfilling and normal life, and it is courageous of you to ask parents how this has affected them

As the parent of a 24 year old addict, who has known about my son's addiction for years, I can say it is the hardest thing I have or will go through. You are at a point where you care what you have put others through, and that means a lot!

I don't know your parents, so I don't know how they would react to you telling them. I would say if they are able to be supportive then tell them. You will probably know when the time is right.

I want you to know that I have never been ashamed of my addict son, or felt embarrassed. The main feelings I have had are: dread, worry, anger, sadness, guilt, and pain-but always love.

Thank you for your post

Hugs

EJG123

I agree with hope213, get some more clean time and then reconsider telling them.

Telling them might have the following positve effects: You might be relieved to get it off your chest and feel you can make amends. They might have greater understanding of your past actions. Maybe they might have greater compassion/understanding for other parents of addicts. They might be proud that you were being honest with them about your past. They might be supportive of your recovery and less likely to enable you in the future if you relapsed. They might be better informed if you relapsed and got sick or died.

However, there are possible negative outcomes: They might feel bad that they didn't know about it. They might worry about a possible relapse for the rest of their lives. They might have trust issues with you.

Personally, as the parent of an addict, I would rather not know. I would be happiest to just see my kid change from the jerk that they were into someone responsible, productive, respectful, etc. Then, I would just think it was some miracle. Honestly, I know parents of presumably non-addicts whose kids were crazy and somehow did turn around. The parents were mystified but ecstatic. Also, I guess I would not want to wonder what was going on every time you got sick or lost touch with us.

Chino

I immediately felt sadness then overwhelming fear until I got her to a detox center two days later. After that it was blissful ignorance because I had no idea what she had to do to stay clean. After that, every time I thought I felt ashamed, embarrassed, angry, etc towards her, turns out I was feeling that way about myself for contributing to her disease (enabling). Now I just love, respect, and accept her, as I should have all along.

Kindeyes

You may not be able to relate my story but I'll try to explain how my son's addiction has affected our lives.

He used my love as a weapon. And he did it very effectively. He used my emotional state as a means to manipulate me and get what he wanted from me. He'd say things or tell me things that he knew would cause me to fear for his safety.....so that I would help him be safe. He would say things about my husband, my daughter, or my parents or ME that he knew would cause me to feel tremendous guilt or shame.....so that I would give him what he wanted. He would do things or tell me things that he knew would make me feel pity for him so that I would give him money or help him out. He would say things to me that he knew would make me feel angry so that he could justify his use. He would lie to me, revise the truth, and manipulate my emotional state because he knew he could get what he wanted from me if he played it right.

My son is a master manipulator. And I am a gold medal winning enabler (codependent).

My son used my love against me. And I let him do it.

The damage that BOTH of our behaviors have caused the rest of the members of our family is huge. The unhealthy interaction between addict and enabler is ugly to watch. It is destructive to the family unit and destructive to the welfare of both parties.

Did the drug and alcohol use cause these behaviors in my son and I? I doubt that it caused it but it certainly amplified it. I believe that the behaviors were learned and taught through his growning up years and when drugs and alcohol came into his life, it caused both of us to spiral in our respective afflictions.

If this was not the dynamic between you and one (or both) of your parents, then you may see no benefit in my response. If you see yourself......even a little bit.......the kindest and most productive thing you can do is address your own behaviors. That is something you have control of.

I am addressing what I have control of....me and my behaviors. It is a process and isn't happening overnight but I'm working on it. As I began to change, my son became very angry and his behaviors escalated. He is in full blown attack mode at this point when we talk so I have elected to have as little contact with him as possible. I have lost a son. He has lost a mother. My son is spiraling in his disease (alcohol, meth, heroin are his drugs of choice). He has little use for me at this point. His manipulation doesn't work so well now. I have no choice but to be ok with that and accept that it just "is".

IMHO there is no useful purpose in telling your parents about your drug use. If you need to get it off your chest, your sponsor can suit that purpose. As you explore and change the behaviors that aren't conducive to healthy interactions with all people, your parents will benefit and appreciate your personal growth and maturity.

gentle hugs
ke

defyinggravity

Thank you so much for your responses! It's really enlightening to hear all of this - and frankly, I'm kind of relieved that a couple of people suggested that telling them may not even really be necessary...I don't really WANT to tell them and I had kind of planned not to - ever - but there's a sense in which I do want that support from them. For example: I nearly cried at all of the "I'm proud of you"s and it'd be really nice to be able to have that kind of support from my mother...but I don't want to risk all the worry and anguish I would cause her. So I think I will wait until I've been sober for awhile at the very least.

I'll also admit something that I feel a little silly for not having known that this would be the case - it's really nice to hear you all say you still love your children. I'm a little afraid they just won't love me or want me anymore (my emotional development was somewhat arrested at 12 and I have some serious black and white thinking issues)...so it's good to hear that that might not be the case.

bluebelle

I wouldn't be able to give you advice on that, because I don't know your parents our your relationship with them. Only you can make that decision. We have a step-daughter who is an addict. It doesn't change how we feel about her. We love her very much. We didn't know the whole time about her addiction. She started having legal problems when she was 16 or 17. We knew she was drinking, but weren't sure about the drugs until she told us a couple of years later. She has struggled with rehab and relapse for several years now. I pray for her and feel that God (or her higher power, or whatever) has a plan for her.

As an adult, I don't share everything with my parents. I have boundaries with them b/c they both have psychiatric/abuse issues. I think it is your right to share if you feel comfortable, or not share, if you think that is best.

lonelystar

Hi ,

so the addict in my family is my son, no matter what he does I will always love him as im sure your parents will also,my thinking tell your parents if you want to if you feel the need to when your feeling comfortable , if you dont feel a need then thats ok too, just wanted to say how much i admire you and think its wonderful how you took that step to getting sober , good luck in the future

defyinggravity

Thanks so much, everyone!! I really appreciate your responses - they really mean a lot. I don't really have any other way to get perspective from parents of addicts and you have all been so helpful.

Thanks for all of your kind words, insight and encouragement.

outtolunch

I echo this.

dorton

I can tell you being the mom of an addict is the hardest thing I've ever been through. My emotions have been all over the place from fear to guilt to hurt to anger and yes even embarrassment. But none of those feeling compare to the pride I feel when I look into his eyes and see my clean and sober child back. Yes I know that he may start using again later today but I'm proud of what he has done now. I know some advise not to tell your parents but not knowing your parents that is a question none of can answer but you. I will say that by not telling them you may not be taking advantage of one of your greatest support systems. Chances are great they know something is wrong even if they don't know what. And chances are also great that they will see the change in you now. I pray for continued sobriety.

bostonbill

hi defying ... hopefully u will begin your own recovery soon .

my son has 2 years clean but the effects of the drug usage are still present in our family.

I lost a spouse to cancer and in comparison that was less painful than my son's addiction. There is not a day I don't thank God that he is sober for that day .

The pain and heartache are indescribable ....

You may wish to review many of the Parent of Addict blogs that are out there on the web written by those w/ kids in both recovery and active addiction

peace and strength

beachgirl101

hello i am a new to site am thankfull to have found it. i have detached from my 28yr daughter thanks to a letter i read here.she is on opiates and i told her i will have no contact with her until she gets help. the hardest thing was she broke into my home while i was away and stole thousands of dollars worth of items. i did have her arrested and that was the most devestating thing. but i know if she dont get help she will end up dead. my heart is broken .
beachgirl 101

mooselips

Hi gravity,
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 38, sober from cocaine for 24 months, but substituting alcohol on occasion.
He has been in prison 4 times...now out on his own, and just recently found a full time job.

Our other son, age 33, is currently in prison until 2013 for selling, and manufacturing Crystal Meth.


There isn't any way I can possibly tell you the impact these two (ONLY children) of ours, have had on our lives.

I love both of my sons equally, always have, always will, but yet, a part of me feels so detached....it's so hard to explain...
afer being used and abused by both of them, cause you know, as parents we try everything we possibly can to help...(until we regain our sanity..)I can't say that the love I have for them, is the same as a mother who watches her son graduate from college.......

Actually, I have much of the same emotions as Kindeyes...

In my opinion, unless you are directly asked by your parents, keep it under your hat, it's not necessary to share something, that perhaps they were or were not aware of...

Now that you can, and it sure sounds like you can, love them for all they're worth, and let them know how much you care, and appreciate them.

Hugs and hugs........

beachgirl101

i new here trying to learn how to post. my 28 year old daughter has broke my heart. i have detached from her but i want to see my granddaughter . any advice on this please