Looking for Strength

Old 09-13-2011, 04:23 PM
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SBD
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Looking for Strength

It has come to this: I must kick my 22-year-old AS out of the house tonight. After going through inpatient rehab I agreed to let him come back to my house after he signed a lengthy contract with a lot of rules -- foremost that he would not use drugs or drink alcohol. I discovered today that he has been drinking to the point of blackout once again and not only lying to me about it, but bringing his 18-year-old brother into it to lie on his behalf.

I know that if I don't follow through on the enforcement part of that contract by kicking him out I am just enabling him once again -- something I vowed to stop doing. I will kick him out, but just looking for words of encouragement because I know it will be once of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:17 PM
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Ann
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Hugs to you, SBD, because I know how hard this is to do.

I let my son live at home many times, always with rules and boundaries in place and always with promises from him to respect each one of them. Sadly, every single time it ended badly. If I let him stay my home became a war zone, and a crime scene because both drugs and stolen goods were stashed on the premises, and my own goods went missing, and not a safe place for me to be.

I learned that whether I let him stay or kicked him out had no effect on his decision to use or to get clean. Many times, he checked into detox and at least gave it a try.

I learned that it wasn't about me kicking him out, it was about his having a choice to abide by my rules including no drug use in my home or to live somewhere else. My son made choices that eliminated the possibility of living at home. I only enforced a consequence that he knew existed if he made a bad choice.

What helped me sometimes was to give him a list of detox's, rehabs and meetings, and also the phone number of a men's shelter that also offered help to those who asked. That gave him another choice...he could choose any of them and be safe and get clean...or he could choose to live on the street. Either way, I knew I was powerless over his choices so I would say a prayer and give his care to God.

Finding meetings helped me regain my balance and find my sanity again, maybe try a few and see if they don't help you too. I couldn't control his addiction or recovery but I sure as heck could do something about my own recovery and for me, sooner was better than later.

Please know that you are a good mother no matter how this unfolds. We do the best we can, and that's all anyone can do.

I will keep you and your boy in my prayers.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:21 PM
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i am so sorry it has come to this. it hurts to do this but you are doing the right thing. believe me when i tell you, they the sooner we quit enableing them the sooner they hit there bottom. he has got to know u mean what you say. keep us updated. prayers, hugs & hope,
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:29 PM
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"Kicking out" seems to imply a lot of anger and emotion.

Asking someone to leave maintains everyone's dignity.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:42 PM
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(((SBD))) - you aren't kicking him out, IMO, you're letting him deal with the consequences of his actions. I'm an RA and a recovering codie..know both sides all too well.

I am almost 50 and living "back home" because of the financial consequences of my addiction. The rules are simple..work, going back to school, and no substance abuse. I make the decision every day...I choose recovery.

That being said, if it weren't for my loved ones letting me deal with my consequences? I'd probably be dead or still out on the streets.

Major hugs and prayers, as I know this isn't easy,

Amy
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Old 09-13-2011, 07:29 PM
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I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is so hard. All we want as mothers is for our adult children to be happy and lead productive lives. It is so hard to see them spiral in their addiction.

You and your son are in my prayers.....

gentle hugs from another mom
ke
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:19 PM
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SBD - Yes, I've been where you are...my son was only 19 when he broke our rules and was "asked to leave". He had been in rehab and relapsed within a couple of weeks of discharge. He just turned 21, his drug use has escalated and again, he's in rehab. He'll be leaving there in just a few days and he is still not sure about his plan because we are not there to rescue him -- so he is floundering. I love him more than anything. I am very unsure what his future holds, but I am quite sure I won't be enabling him in any way. I love him too much.

I never though parenthood could be so hard. I understand how you are feeling. (((Hugs)))
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:58 PM
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SBD
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I gave him two choices tonight: he could go back into rehab (inpatient) or he could just go. He chose rehab. Of course he's really pissed at me and stormed out of the house cussing me the entire way. I have ruined his life (again). I feel sick to my stomach but know this is the right thing to do. I am so glad you are all here!!!
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Old 09-14-2011, 04:18 AM
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hugs, hope & prayers giong out to you. i hope he carrys through. keep us updated.
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Old 09-14-2011, 05:21 AM
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Please do not use the term "kicking him out." That term makes him a victim of your aggressiveness.

What really happened here is that your son chose to not live in your home because he does not want to abide by the rules. He's just not keeping his end of the contract by voluntarily leaving. What he is doing is "squatting" which leaves you to move him along. It's a very typical MO for addicts.

I second Ann's advice. For your peace of mind, have a printed list of phone numbers, addresses, whatever, to hand to him as you have this conversation with him tonight. If he is anything like my son, he will not even pick it up. But it may help you feel a little better as you see him walk out the door with his addict designer luggage (black garbage bags).

((Hugs))
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