CagedBird

Well, AH and I had it out last night.

It started as they usually do, about nothing. The details aren't as important as the fact that when he was yelling, and screaming, and then crying and acting like the victim, I just started thinking "QUACKQUACKQUACK".

It was all my fault, and how could I do this to him, to I'm so sorry baby, I don't want you to ever cry.

Then, my favorite card that he always pulls out. "When I married you it was for better or worse, and I meant that. Did you?" Turning my general unhappiness and the possibility of me leaving into a character flaw.

The changes in mood were amazing. He would go from, I'll do whatever I have to, to "Man, I just can't find a good woman. I'm glad you got your son out of me." (because supposedly I just hyjacked him all this time to get a baby out of him.)

What was different about this for me was that I saw the manipulation. I saw the quacking, and it made me want out all the more. I'm not sure how the next day or week or month or year is going to go, but we're on the path now. I guess we'll see.

TeM

I suppose drama goes with the territory. My AW has grudgingly agreed to quit drinking... again (this will be the third or fourth time). Apparently, she and Daughter had it out this past weekend, and AW sneeringly told some friends that she has to quit to keep her daughter happy, because Daughter thinks drinking is a sin.

Of course, AW's drinking buddy is also her Church Buddy, and they spend a lot of time finding Bible verses that say drinking is okay.

She may surprise me and really quit this time.... but my cynical self tells me that she won't last two weeks, because, amidst all the drama, she has never admitted that her drinking is a problem.

wellnowwhat

What was different about this for me was that I saw the manipulation.

This is a game-changer! I hope you can now draw strength from this instead of getting beaten down by all the hurtful comments.

Thinking of you.

wanttobehealthy

Seeing the manipulation is huge. It doesn't make it easier to not get sucked into it right away but seeing it is a huge huge huge thing.

stepsforward

Sounds like you are on the right path with your recovery. It does feel good!!!!

OnMyWay11

CagedBird
I don't know about you, but once I saw through the manipulation, every time he tried his quacking it was almost laughable.

Keep your feet on your path

GettingBy

Yes indeed!! It is great to finally step back and see the manipulation exactly for what it is. The key to the next steps over today, tomorrow, next week, next month... is to keep both feet firmly planted in reality.

When I slip back into my fantasy thinking - I get sucked back into the manipulation. I begin to believe all those tempting, juicy, empty promises. I want that perfect family life where we all live together in happiness - and if I stay attached to the fantasy... I stay stuck.

So for me, the key to moving forward is that I take my time. Keep working on my acceptance of the REALITY so that I move forward based on facts/truth... not emotions/reactions to drama/incident/etc.

Keep posting and going to Al-anon... I have found those two things to be a life-saver!!
Shannon

wellnowwhat

So for me, the key to moving forward is that I take my time. Keep working on my acceptance of the REALITY so that I move forward based on facts/truth... not emotions/reactions to drama/incident/etc.

This is golden!

Cyranoak

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Every time an alcoholic takes a drink, resists recovery, or both, wedding vows become null and void. Plus, the act of saying it is complete manipulative ********. What an *ss-clown.

My commitment to my wife has nothing to do with ******** vows, and everything to do with whether or not the relationship is working for me (and on her side I'm certain it's the same-- is the relationship working for her).

In fact, I would argue it's precisely that we both know the other will divorce our respective asses that helps to keep us in line-- we are both active in recovery, we genuinely like and love each other, we want to stay together, and we now both behave as if all of those things are true (most of the time-- I can be a cranky **** and she goes completely crazy every 28 days).

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

TeM

I like the way one of our fellow posters responded to that: "Wedding vows are not a suicide pact."

SoaringSpirits

I hear you. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack! (Where is the duck icon when you need one?)

You might remind him about the rest of your wedding vows. Ours said "love, honor and cherish" (none of which my AH has honored lately) "and forsaking all others, be faithful only unto her as long as you both shall live." I see my AH's love affair with Ms. Vodka to be a breech of these vows, since he has clearly chosen his liquid lady friend over me.

I am so sorry that you and your kids have to endure all this.