Hi, I'm new and ambivalent
Hi, I'm new and ambivalent
Hi, I'm new here. Recently I've decided to take getting sober a bit more seriously, although tbh, I'm not sure I'm 100% on board yet. I'm 35 and I've been drinking for about 14 years. It wasn't a problem in the beginning, but there have been times over the years when I questioned it. I have been told that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and while I was never one to drink on a daily basis, I ramped up the frequency over this past summer, averaging about 5-6 nights a week and drinking at levels that are considered binging (is a bottle of wine really THAT much?). I keep thinking I can go back to the way it was in the beginning, although if I'm honest with myself, I have always had a tendency to binge once I start drinking. My main reason for feeling that this is a real problem is that I get such strong cravings for alcohol that I will often override my good judgment and drink when I've told myself I won't. It's frustrating to feel that I can't trust myself.
On the other hand, the main thing that keeps me from full-heartedly embracing sobriety (or having to give it up forever) is the idea that I'll have to give up drinking socially. For instance, if I go to Napa with some friends, how can not do wine tasting while we're there?? It seems inconceivable!
On the other hand, the main thing that keeps me from full-heartedly embracing sobriety (or having to give it up forever) is the idea that I'll have to give up drinking socially. For instance, if I go to Napa with some friends, how can not do wine tasting while we're there?? It seems inconceivable!
Hi NightsWatch
I wasn't sure about what I wanted when I came here either - I wanted to quit drinking like I was, but I still wanted to be that controlled 'weekend at napa' type drinker you mention.
What I read here convinced me that, for me, I had to give up that controlled drinker dream.
Every time alcohol enters my system I cede control - sometimes it might be a night without repercussions, sometimes there will be very big consequences from my drinking...but I'm never in control - it's down to the luck of the draw...I can never predict what happens.
I hated what my life had become - I was drinking all day everyday...I like my sober life and the sober me a lot more
but that's me...
I hope we can help you decide what the right way is for you too
D
I wasn't sure about what I wanted when I came here either - I wanted to quit drinking like I was, but I still wanted to be that controlled 'weekend at napa' type drinker you mention.
What I read here convinced me that, for me, I had to give up that controlled drinker dream.
Every time alcohol enters my system I cede control - sometimes it might be a night without repercussions, sometimes there will be very big consequences from my drinking...but I'm never in control - it's down to the luck of the draw...I can never predict what happens.
I hated what my life had become - I was drinking all day everyday...I like my sober life and the sober me a lot more
but that's me...
I hope we can help you decide what the right way is for you too
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
It is tough to figure out and I don't think you can figure it out by judging yourself against others or what others may consider is a problem. If you have no control then it is a problem. My parents drink a bottle of wine every other night, between them, sometimes 2. Not because they have to, but because they want to and can. Sometimes they don't bother, no problem.
Like you if I start I tend not to stop until I can not drink more, and if I have drank myself full circle then I tend to hunt for drugs to knock me out, or at least make me ill enough to feel content that I have crossed the line.
I am with you, I don't think I am 100% there, I have hit rock bottom years ago and been there a few times since, but never can I get my head around completely giving up forever, I just want to be like others, control, but 20 years of out of control leads me to think I have a mental problem. I don't consider alcoholism a disease, as some do, I think that is a cop out. It isn't, no one died from not drinking so...................
Good luck on the quest, it's a long and winding road!
Like you if I start I tend not to stop until I can not drink more, and if I have drank myself full circle then I tend to hunt for drugs to knock me out, or at least make me ill enough to feel content that I have crossed the line.
I am with you, I don't think I am 100% there, I have hit rock bottom years ago and been there a few times since, but never can I get my head around completely giving up forever, I just want to be like others, control, but 20 years of out of control leads me to think I have a mental problem. I don't consider alcoholism a disease, as some do, I think that is a cop out. It isn't, no one died from not drinking so...................
Good luck on the quest, it's a long and winding road!
Thanks, Dee! The more I read, the more I think it's something I need to take more seriously. I always felt that I had some control over my drinking, but I can't hide from the fact that my volume of drinking has increased over the past few years despite my efforts to cut back. I think if I keep going down this path, it will become more unmanageable in the future.
But Napa...
But Napa...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
Well done, but I hate myself and everyone loves me sober, I am so boring. I must have been one of the only alcoholic rock climbers around when younger. I need something and when nothing is going on I drink to shunt that need. Unless I stat smoking dope again then how on earth can a life of doing nothing mind altering be considered enough?
I am with you, I don't think I am 100% there, I have hit rock bottom years ago and been there a few times since, but never can I get my head around completely giving up forever, I just want to be like others, control, but 20 years of out of control leads me to think I have a mental problem. I don't consider alcoholism a disease, as some do, I think that is a cop out. It isn't, no one died from not drinking so...................
Good luck on the quest, it's a long and winding road!
Good luck on the quest, it's a long and winding road!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 8
Well, don't get me wrong but it sounds to me like you need to do some more drinking, don't worry about it
being a problem or not, obviously you can't figure it out so just keep drinking more and more...
Until the day you are utterly, absolutely convinced that you need to stop.
Granted, you may find at that point, you can't.
There is also a fair chance you won't make it, I believe statistically your chances are 1 of 10 that of a non-drinker.
Therein, my friend, lies your choice.
I don't know how else, beyond putting it in as plain as words as you can see...
I don't know how else, beyond using reason as pure and clear as the light of day.
I don't know, how else to say it.
being a problem or not, obviously you can't figure it out so just keep drinking more and more...
Until the day you are utterly, absolutely convinced that you need to stop.
Granted, you may find at that point, you can't.
There is also a fair chance you won't make it, I believe statistically your chances are 1 of 10 that of a non-drinker.
Therein, my friend, lies your choice.
I don't know how else, beyond putting it in as plain as words as you can see...
I don't know how else, beyond using reason as pure and clear as the light of day.
I don't know, how else to say it.
Welcome to SR 8307c4
I'm afraid I disagree with you on this - it's not at all necessary to drink to a point of some kind of surety, or to drink while you making up your mind....
granted many of us have - but it's not something I'd recommend to others.
From this side of the fence, I really believe it is possible to 'stop the elevator' at any floor we like
D
I'm afraid I disagree with you on this - it's not at all necessary to drink to a point of some kind of surety, or to drink while you making up your mind....
granted many of us have - but it's not something I'd recommend to others.
From this side of the fence, I really believe it is possible to 'stop the elevator' at any floor we like
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
Hmmm, I dunno about that, my uncle drank himself to death. I sat and watched him at 17 year old die over 3 days in agony in hospital in a ward with 5 others waiting to die, all the nurses could do was make him more comfortable, but as tough as the old git was he was still in agony, whining and moaning in pain like a clipped dog at the side of the road. Always in my mind are those few days.
Advising to drink without concern is not a method of help, it is the acceptance a dependent drinker looks for.
In my opinion a dangerous post for the wrong person!
Advising to drink without concern is not a method of help, it is the acceptance a dependent drinker looks for.
In my opinion a dangerous post for the wrong person!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 8
I believe in that traditional kick in the butt cure, far as I'm concerned what that don't fix, can't be fixed.
I'm no fool, deceive yourself not, we can lead these horses to the water.
But force the horse to drink from the water, we can not.
I know first hand what a grand mal seizure is but the question here isn't where am I going...
The question here is what is it going to take to convince this newcomer that the road he's on leads nowhere?
What is it going to take?
Me, I skip all the fancy words and the nonsense, skip straight to the chase, get to the good part, over and done.
And there are some who use the Big Book and I don't mind that but I'm more familiar with the type of scripture that seeks to be a bit more terse.
Let me quote...
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
Drunkards will NOT inherit the kingdom of God.
You see, with my mother in the same stage where I finally quit I'm beyond sugar coating my words, it is what it is,
and to get someone to stop I will do whatever it takes, there is nothing I won't do in terms of helping someone stop.
But there is nothing I will do to allow their behavior to continue, they're asking me if they should stop, or not?
Do you not see the manipulation within?
Once again, we are at that crossroads.
I can lead the horse to the water.
I'm no fool, deceive yourself not, we can lead these horses to the water.
But force the horse to drink from the water, we can not.
I know first hand what a grand mal seizure is but the question here isn't where am I going...
The question here is what is it going to take to convince this newcomer that the road he's on leads nowhere?
What is it going to take?
Me, I skip all the fancy words and the nonsense, skip straight to the chase, get to the good part, over and done.
And there are some who use the Big Book and I don't mind that but I'm more familiar with the type of scripture that seeks to be a bit more terse.
Let me quote...
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
Drunkards will NOT inherit the kingdom of God.
You see, with my mother in the same stage where I finally quit I'm beyond sugar coating my words, it is what it is,
and to get someone to stop I will do whatever it takes, there is nothing I won't do in terms of helping someone stop.
But there is nothing I will do to allow their behavior to continue, they're asking me if they should stop, or not?
Do you not see the manipulation within?
Once again, we are at that crossroads.
I can lead the horse to the water.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Welcome to SR, NightsWatch!
I'm glad you found us. These forums were a revelation to me—I couldn't believe how many people had been through same thing as me.
As for Napa... heck, I couldn't conceive of washing my car without a few drinks, lol. It was weird at first, and difficult, but you know what? Sober became the new normal for me, and I love it. The whole battle over trying to control my drinking was exhausting. And I knew deep down it was only going to get worse. I don't even feel like I gave something up anymore—I feel like I got my life back. I can drive anytime I want, anywhere I want. I can go a see a band, and really enjoy the music, without the distraction of trying to limit myself to "just one more drink" ("ok, maybe two more..." "heck, a few more can't hurt..."). I can not only have a conversation with friends, I can remember it—without being embarrassed. Turns out sobriety is way more enjoyable—who knew?
I'm glad you found us. These forums were a revelation to me—I couldn't believe how many people had been through same thing as me.
As for Napa... heck, I couldn't conceive of washing my car without a few drinks, lol. It was weird at first, and difficult, but you know what? Sober became the new normal for me, and I love it. The whole battle over trying to control my drinking was exhausting. And I knew deep down it was only going to get worse. I don't even feel like I gave something up anymore—I feel like I got my life back. I can drive anytime I want, anywhere I want. I can go a see a band, and really enjoy the music, without the distraction of trying to limit myself to "just one more drink" ("ok, maybe two more..." "heck, a few more can't hurt..."). I can not only have a conversation with friends, I can remember it—without being embarrassed. Turns out sobriety is way more enjoyable—who knew?
Welcome to SR!
It's ok to feel conflicted about your drinking, many of us (all of us) did at the beginning. Hopefully you will continue to have an honest open mind when it comes to your consumption of alcohol and not lose yourself to many years of addiction before realizing that your life is out of control.
I used to feel the same way as you do about things like going out to Napa. For example, I love Russian food, and one of the things I loved about it was consuming copious amounts of vodka every time my friends and I went out. I thought that the idea of eating borscht without a shot of vodka and a pickle sounded so boring.
I never thought I'd have any fun sober, and the truth is I look back on the times I spent drinking and now I wonder how I could have ever thought those times were fun. Sure, I'll admit there were a few nights here and there out with friends where we got drunk and had a great time, but I spent a great majority of my drinking career trying to recapture that feeling -- chasing that high, so to speak. In the end I have to wonder if hundreds (thousands?) of drunk evenings were worth trying to recapture what I had experienced half a dozen times.
Best wishes to you in your journey!
It's ok to feel conflicted about your drinking, many of us (all of us) did at the beginning. Hopefully you will continue to have an honest open mind when it comes to your consumption of alcohol and not lose yourself to many years of addiction before realizing that your life is out of control.
I used to feel the same way as you do about things like going out to Napa. For example, I love Russian food, and one of the things I loved about it was consuming copious amounts of vodka every time my friends and I went out. I thought that the idea of eating borscht without a shot of vodka and a pickle sounded so boring.
I never thought I'd have any fun sober, and the truth is I look back on the times I spent drinking and now I wonder how I could have ever thought those times were fun. Sure, I'll admit there were a few nights here and there out with friends where we got drunk and had a great time, but I spent a great majority of my drinking career trying to recapture that feeling -- chasing that high, so to speak. In the end I have to wonder if hundreds (thousands?) of drunk evenings were worth trying to recapture what I had experienced half a dozen times.
Best wishes to you in your journey!
Thanks for your posts 8307c4, ReadyAndAble, and eJoshua.
I have heard that some people need to hit bottom before getting serious, and luckily (or unluckily?) for me I haven't had anything too horrible happen to me as a result of my drinking. But I'm a worrier (which is one of the reasons I drink in the first place) and I worry that bottom will = dead. I think it's true that I have to want this for myself and I appreciate all your input. It helps a lot to hear people who have been through this, since I don't have anyone else IRL I can really talk to about this stuff who knows how it feels.
I'm curious if it gets easier? Will there be a day when I will have no desire for it? It's hard to imagine, since sometimes just talking about it makes me want some.
I have heard that some people need to hit bottom before getting serious, and luckily (or unluckily?) for me I haven't had anything too horrible happen to me as a result of my drinking. But I'm a worrier (which is one of the reasons I drink in the first place) and I worry that bottom will = dead. I think it's true that I have to want this for myself and I appreciate all your input. It helps a lot to hear people who have been through this, since I don't have anyone else IRL I can really talk to about this stuff who knows how it feels.
I'm curious if it gets easier? Will there be a day when I will have no desire for it? It's hard to imagine, since sometimes just talking about it makes me want some.
I used to drink all day everyday - I did that for years.
I've been sober since 2007 now
I've never regretted it
It does get easier - not always right away, and it's not always plain sailing - but there's a lot of support encouragement and ideas here NightsWatch
D
I've been sober since 2007 now
I've never regretted it
It does get easier - not always right away, and it's not always plain sailing - but there's a lot of support encouragement and ideas here NightsWatch
D
Welcome NightsWatch -
I think just being here and reading everyone's stories will help you figure things out. A lot of what you said sounds like where I was when I quit. Part of me just wanted to keep drinking (the addicted part), but like you, I didn't want to wait until things got worse before I did something about it.
I drank about a bottle of wine/night, most nights, at the end (for a female, the healthy limit is one 5 ounce glass per day, two for men). It was hard to make the decision to stop, but I'm so grateful I did. And it does get easier......
I think just being here and reading everyone's stories will help you figure things out. A lot of what you said sounds like where I was when I quit. Part of me just wanted to keep drinking (the addicted part), but like you, I didn't want to wait until things got worse before I did something about it.
I drank about a bottle of wine/night, most nights, at the end (for a female, the healthy limit is one 5 ounce glass per day, two for men). It was hard to make the decision to stop, but I'm so grateful I did. And it does get easier......
alcoholism is a progressive disease
That was my experience after nearly 30yrs.
.......if I go to Napa with some friends, how can not do wine tasting while we're there?? It seems inconceivable!
I have been to countless places where I would drink until the sun came up and now the thought never even occurs to me. I am in Bulgaria for 2 weeks now on vacation & am having the time of my life. Sober.
Those are the lies my mind tells me. That I will never have any fun again.
I have years of proof that is not the case.
That was my experience after nearly 30yrs.
.......if I go to Napa with some friends, how can not do wine tasting while we're there?? It seems inconceivable!
I have been to countless places where I would drink until the sun came up and now the thought never even occurs to me. I am in Bulgaria for 2 weeks now on vacation & am having the time of my life. Sober.
Those are the lies my mind tells me. That I will never have any fun again.
I have years of proof that is not the case.
Welcome Nightswatch, I can relate to your ambivalence, I feel that way too sometimes. I never hit a rock bottom. My life was/is great. Great job, loving husband and family, all basic needs met or exceeded. But the bottle had my number, and I made all sorts of excuses why my behavior was normal: wine is a "cultured" drink (it's still alcohol) I would drink it even if there were no alcohol, I just love the taste (yeah, right!!!) I go to work every morning (hungover like a dog) My husband has never said anything about me being "tipsy" every night (because he knew I wouldn't remember it in the morning) I'm just so stressed, I need wine to relax (or yoga, or a book, or a walk, or talk to a friend, or...) Everybody else is drinking (but it's only me that's watching the bottles to make sure they don't take it all)
I would do anything for more wine. Lying, hiding, feeling guilty, feeling watched, counting, obsessing, regulating (and failing), and making excuse after excuse are all unhealthy. Napa be damned! (And yes, I do understand the salivation you feel upon hearing that word, but you have to make a choice) What is important to you? Alcoholism does not get better, it only gets worse. Just because you haven't lost anything yet doesn't mean you won't. And is wine worth your life? Somebody said you find the bottom when you stop digging. I put down the wine key and stopped digging.
It sounds like it's time to get "down and dirty" honest with yourself. Of the few people I've told that I have a problem with drinking, most are disbelieving. I seem so "normal." But when I look at myself in the mirror, it's clear as day that I obsess about alcohol. That I could not go even one day without wine. That I could not stop at one glass of wine, or one bottle. That, in and of itself, is enough reason to stop.
I would do anything for more wine. Lying, hiding, feeling guilty, feeling watched, counting, obsessing, regulating (and failing), and making excuse after excuse are all unhealthy. Napa be damned! (And yes, I do understand the salivation you feel upon hearing that word, but you have to make a choice) What is important to you? Alcoholism does not get better, it only gets worse. Just because you haven't lost anything yet doesn't mean you won't. And is wine worth your life? Somebody said you find the bottom when you stop digging. I put down the wine key and stopped digging.
It sounds like it's time to get "down and dirty" honest with yourself. Of the few people I've told that I have a problem with drinking, most are disbelieving. I seem so "normal." But when I look at myself in the mirror, it's clear as day that I obsess about alcohol. That I could not go even one day without wine. That I could not stop at one glass of wine, or one bottle. That, in and of itself, is enough reason to stop.
"I can lead the horse to the water. "
None of us is the "drunk whisperer". We have no control over others' actions. All we can pass on is our experience and if we're lucky, our strength and hope too.
Shortly after I got sober, I went on a wine-tasting weekend trip. I did manage to stay sober but it sure wasn't pleasant for me. At the time, I was only two weeks into recovery and I hadn't developed any healthy defenses against the first drink, so, having had no tools, I was miserable and white knuckling it the entire weekend. Maybe put off Napa for awhile until you get some time getting used to not drinking. Napa will still be there when you're ready.
None of us is the "drunk whisperer". We have no control over others' actions. All we can pass on is our experience and if we're lucky, our strength and hope too.
Shortly after I got sober, I went on a wine-tasting weekend trip. I did manage to stay sober but it sure wasn't pleasant for me. At the time, I was only two weeks into recovery and I hadn't developed any healthy defenses against the first drink, so, having had no tools, I was miserable and white knuckling it the entire weekend. Maybe put off Napa for awhile until you get some time getting used to not drinking. Napa will still be there when you're ready.
There's a funny saying: you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. It really is progressive. Our brains change and we keep trying to get the original high, the golden glow, back but it doesn't work.
Why I call myself an alcoholic is that even though I can not drink, when I do pick up a drink I have no control over what happens next, how much I drink, if I go into a blackout.
One thing I can guarantee is that it gets much, much better after a few months. So hang in there
Why I call myself an alcoholic is that even though I can not drink, when I do pick up a drink I have no control over what happens next, how much I drink, if I go into a blackout.
One thing I can guarantee is that it gets much, much better after a few months. So hang in there
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