Husband arrested for DWI on Thursday

Old 09-12-2011, 03:31 PM
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Husband arrested for DWI on Thursday

We've been together for 19 years. I've really been waiting for this day to come, waiting for the call. I'm just grateful that no one was hurt.

We have an 8-year-old son..if not for him I would have let his a$$ rot in jail for the weekend. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I'm supporting him through the legal process because I have to think of our son first - he needs to be in his life and he needs to support him financially.

We've been arguing about this on and off for years. He has always functioned well - always worked full-time as well as doing a ton of things around the house. He's stopped before for periods due to 2 bad experiences. He drinks most days, but most nights it's 2 beers or so. I have begged him so many times to not drive if he's been drinking, so I have a tremendous amount of anger for both the DWI and all these other things that are coming out. So much of what I've read on this site resonates.

I have never seen him so scared in my life. He is usually a tough guy, but he aged 10 years that night in jail and day in court. He was terrified. We have a nice comfortable life in an affluent suburb - he's never seen anything like it. I have no sympathy for him at all, and he knows it.

Right now he wants nothing to do with alcohol, and I hope that continues. I realized this weekend how much time I was spending counting the bottles, the bottlecaps, listening for the clink, looking to see if he seemed drunk. Despite how scary this all is, in some ways I was more relaxed this weekend not feeling like I was on sentry duty. It took this to realize how sick my own behavior was. We got rid of all alcohol in the house, and all the empties. I can't stand the sight or smell of them. I used to drink wine at home on the weekends, but no more.

I've found an Al-Anon meeting in our area, and I'll be looking for lots of support online as well.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:42 PM
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Welcome to SR, natamars! You will find a lot of support here. Many of us have been right where you are now, so you will be among people who understand what you are dealing with. Please stick around and read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is much valuable information there.

Again, welcome to SR! We're here to support you.
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:49 PM
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I hope that this will be a wake up call for your H and that he decides to get himself some help.

Sadly I can tell you from my own experience that my H too, after an arrest, time in jail and court, and again after a weekend long bender, said he never wanted to see or touch alcohol again. That lasted a very short while and once the immediate fear had passed and he was back in the groove of acting the part of very successful, functional alcoholic who charms the world, he forgot all about not wanting to drink and just got worse.

I hope your H will be different and make different choices. It took things getting a lot worse before I made him leave and I wish I'd been able to accept that he wasn't ever going to stop long before things got as bad as they did.

I understand the fear of wanting your H to be there for your son (I have 6 and 3 yr old daughters). I thought if I made him leave or if I left that he'd not be a part of their lives, that he'd waste money etc... That still may happen but what has occured since he left is that I've seen my kids able to actually be kids for the first time and it has shocked me into acknowledging how stressed they were with him living here. For the most part he was "fun dad" when he was here and rarely raged at me in front of them... but regardless, they knew the drill and were stressed out.

I don't know if that resonates or applies to you at all but I just thought I'd share my experience...
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:11 PM
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wanttobehealthy, what you're describing is my biggest fear. I have no idea of this will last. I'm sure as time goes on and the memory of the arrest is more remote, it will not be as big of a motivator.

May I ask what contact, if any, your ex has with your daughters and how you make that work? My husband is a good, involved father in many ways, although I do worry about the effect of the drinking on my son. He has never been physically abusive, but there have been some episodes of anger that have scared me. Alcoholism runs in both my and my husband's families, so I have to be concerned about the genetic component in my son as well.
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Old 09-12-2011, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by natamars View Post
wanttobehealthy, what you're describing is my biggest fear. I have no idea of this will last. I'm sure as time goes on and the memory of the arrest is more remote, it will not be as big of a motivator.

May I ask what contact, if any, your ex has with your daughters and how you make that work? My husband is a good, involved father in many ways, although I do worry about the effect of the drinking on my son. He has never been physically abusive, but there have been some episodes of anger that have scared me. Alcoholism runs in both my and my husband's families, so I have to be concerned about the genetic component in my son as well.
I proclaimed the same as you for a long time (that my H was a great Dad and loved the girls), and it may be true BUT once I took a good hard look at the time he spends with them and how easily agitated he is when they are anything but perfect, I realized that he is not nearly as invested in being a Dad as he;d have others believe. I'm just saying that as a story from my perspective in the event that you're noticing similar things and feeling "guilty" (as I remember feeling) for thinking that.

To your question: he sees them a few times a week for about an hour (his choice). He teaches and coaches (he chose coaching over more time with the girls bc as a coach he is praised and thought highly of so that's clearly far more important) so he only has about an hour when that's all done before they go to bed. So, a few evenings a week he comes by and plays with them before bed and I go for a run.

Weekends have been a little erratic and unpredictable and I need to get better with requesting a schedule. He spends time here at the house supposedly "with" them but typically it looks something like this: AH in yard doing things he enjoys, girls playing and when they need something they come find me OR AH next door drinking with neighbor and girls playing with the neighbors kids and neighbors wife and I watch kids.

I;m not pointing out to him that he really isn;t spending anything resembling quality time with the girls (and this is what it was like when he was living here too-- not any different) bc this works for me. I know if I made a to do about it he'd pretend to want more time with them just to prove a point and the girls would be the ones who'd hurt bc of it.

He comes here to see them bc I won't let them go to the place he's living and it makes me feel they are safer when he's here vs him taking them in the car and god knows what would happen.

I do think he loves them but I think that when it comes to being a responsible parent who is willing to do the unpleasant parts of parenting, he has zero interest. He puts on an act that he's distraught over how little time he has with them but it's totally his choice and I know he knows that.

The girls are always happy to see him when he comes and I'm glad for them for whatever pleasant time they spend with him. I think honestly it is so much better for hte girls with AH and I apart. I am so much more relaxed and such a better mother and I imagine that the time they spend with AH is less stressful than it was when we were here together bc in the past I'd sort of hover, worried that if I wasn't there he'd do or not do something wrong. He still may do things I don't like and he doesn't hold the girls to any rules when he is here but I'm not around for the majority of it and I just go back to having things be how they are when it's me and the girls seem to have adjusted well.

I don't know if I answered what you asked me... I am happy to share whatever experiences I've had so ask away...

I am sorry to have brought your biggest fear to the forefront of your thoughts (that he won't stick tot he things he's promising as the arrest is further in the past). I wish I could say I thoght my H's behavior was the exception but I think that it's probably pretty typical of A's to make all sorts of promises and "never again" proclamations in the heat of the moment and then have an uncanny ability to forget it all within days. I do truly hope that your H will be the exception to this.
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Old 09-12-2011, 05:37 PM
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If it happens again please consider not bailing him out. The two or three days in jail won't hurt your child nearly as much as an alcoholic father does, and already has.

You must allow him to suffer the consequences of his drinking. When you don't, you hurt yourself, you hurt your son, and perhaps most of all you hurt him.

I say this as somebody who has lived a similar scenario to the one you described in your post, jail and all.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

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Old 09-12-2011, 06:02 PM
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wanttobehealthy, don't be sorry..his relapsing is the first thing on my mind unfortunately.

Cyranoak, I've already told him that if this ever happens again not only am I not bailing him out but I am locking him out of the house. Whether I would kick him out before that if he starts drinking again or stays sober I don't know yet. I have so much anger right now I'm not sure I can get past it.
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:16 PM
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Not trying to be Debbie Downer here but I went throgh the same thing and he stopped for many months after the arrest and then started again. He once again thinks he can control his drinking and having the breathlyzer machine hooked up to his car actually is giving him a false sense of security. He believes that having it HELPS him control his drinking.

Unfotunately, mine still does not get it. He says that drinking and driving was the problem and now that he can not do that, he is good. Umm, I don't think so. You were always a good driver. Nope, driving wasn't and is not the problem. Guess again, oh ya, DRINKING was/is the problem!! Of course, I will never convince him of that and tahnks to SR and Al-Anon I no longer have any desire to "Get through to him reagarding his drinking".

It just proves to me what lengths he will go to for his drinking.

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Old 09-12-2011, 06:48 PM
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If you get between them and their bottom they will land on you. I hope you do make that Alanon meeting. I think it will hurt your son if your H continues to drink (and it is progressive) and make bad choices like drinking and driving. Let H feel the consequences. Don't bail him out . Don't drive him. Don't pay the lawyer. Stop helping him and who's problems do they become ? His. I enabled my XAH and now I know through Alanon how it possibly hurt him from feeling/hitting his bottom. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Try Alanon and educate yourself. I ran to jail to see mine every week too- and in hindsight I shouldn't have. I drove 30 miles both ways to sit and cry. He got out and was an angry drunk before long and blamed it all on the trooper, the judge and ME ! He lost his license and job. Get thee to Alanon ! I just came back from a wonderful meeting on letting God take over.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:03 PM
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You should have let him spend the weekend in jail.
Instead you made excuses.

Sorry, don't mean to be critical but I saw that clear as day and I believe it is these things you need to see.

Take it from me, I speak from the stand point of a recovering alcoholic, I have more than a puny DWI under my belt,
he might get a slap on the wrist that will scare him so bad, I could do that nonsense the judge will hand down on
Mr. Ritchie Rich standing on my head.
Wouldn't phase me, wouldn't even touch my resolve, what are we talking about, a thousand bucks or two and few days in jail?
I got that much cash in my stash, and the time in jail I can re-arrange everything all around it, nobody would ever know.
Granted, the issue with the driver's license I would find highly inconvenient.

But had you actually, totally let me sit my carcass in the county jail the entire time and let me be up to my own devices.
Now THAT would have sucked!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what you need...
Is what I beg of you to do, when these things happen, take a tough stand and don't waiver.
Not for the alcoholic, not a chance, don't do it.

Had you done that for me, I may not have gone as far...
Now I'm not blaming you, we're good.
Peace out
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:32 PM
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It was the greatest thing to happen to my wife...

...it's been well over a year since she went to jail for two nights. She threw herself into recovery, relapsed one day about six months ago, and has been sober ever since (so far--it really is one day at a time).

She works AA like it's a religion, and it's working better for her than anything else has since she started drinking in 2002.

Good luck and take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:41 AM
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Welcome to the SR family Natamars!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

Some of my favorite reading is in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum. This is a link to a sticky that contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:12 AM
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Alanon really educates you on the disease and how cunning baffling and powerful it is and THEY are. I began to see I was addicted to the A. I was codependent that was hurting both of us. Codependent No More is a GREAT book. Recently I have gotten into the Toby Rice books and they are good too. Keep coming back. We have been there.
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Old 09-13-2011, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
If you get between them and their bottom they will land on you.
This.

It doesn't serve anyone's best interest to continue protecting your AH from the consequences of his own actions.

I'm glad you have decided what YOUR bottom is. Perhaps it would be a good idea to formulate a plan, just in case you do find yourself in a similar situation soon. And what about if he begins drinking again? What then?
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:33 PM
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Thanks so much to everyone for taking the time to post.

I understand what everyone is saying, and I am making no excuses for him. He got what was coming to him.

I'm still trying to figure out the relationship with our son. I'm hoping this board and Al-Anon can help me with that. Is the A just an A, or is there more? I can't see things as being that black and white. Because someone is an alcoholic, do they no longer get to have a relationship with their children? My dad drank for many years, but stopped when I was 2. He never drank again.

I did what I thought was best under the circumstances. I was told that it would look better for him in court if I showed up. And through all this I'm thinking of our son and trying to figure it out, both emotionally and financially. We need both our incomes, and luckily his employer is being very supportive.

It's hard to read through all this, but I know it's necessary. Everyone here has been through their own hell. It can get so much worse than it is. I've told him if he starts to drink again he's out. But as long as he's working this and getting help, I'm giving him a chance. I know the odds are slim that he'll stay sober, but I have to hope they're on my side.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:17 PM
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With regards to alcoholics and their relationship with their children: no, they don't just stop having a relationship because of the addiction, but if they do not seek recovery, their true priority will be getting their drug of choice, whatever it may be. Whether you and your AH stay together or separate, do you believe that he does everything in his power to put his child's safety and needs first?

I know you've got a lot of thinking to do, which may be stressful but is a good thing all things considered. You are being given an opportunity to define your boundaries and decide exactly how you will stand by them. About what you've told your AH about his drinking, I do hope you're aware that he may start drinking again and hide it from you. It's sad but it's rather common, mostly because it's hard to just "quit cold turkey" without a recovery program to support your efforts.

Keep reading and posting. SR is always open
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:42 PM
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I definitely do have a lot to think about. I'm considreing speaking with a lawyer so I can have something set up if he does go back to drinking. Right now I'm trying to get through today. In addition to everything else, this is an insanely busy time for me at work. Thank God my boss has been flexible.

He's meeting with a counselor tomorrow and will be entering treatment. I told him that he also needs to find a marriage counselor for us, set up the appointments, and arrange for a babysitter for our son so we can go.

He's figuring out all his own transportation, and getting very well acquainted with train and bus routes. There are occasions - tonight for example - when I have picked him up at the train because I'd rather he spend the hour it would take him to walk home reading to our son. He actually tried to insist on the walk. He's also paying for the lawyer and tracking every additional expense his behavior is costing. I've told him if it takes him working a second job at an all-night gas station I expect him to do it if that's what it takes to cover things like the additional insurance expense we'll be facing.

I found 2 meetings that may work this weekend - looking forward to getting to at least one of them.
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:13 PM
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Some times its all that it takes is one DWI. I hope its "One & Done" for him !

All the Best !
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:26 PM
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The night in jail after a DUI was my RABF's wakeup call. He's been sober ever since, for almost two years now, through some pretty hard times (job loss, foreclosure, near-constant anxiety over his financial problems).

He didn't do AA, but he has an excellent therapist who understands substance abuse issues, whom he sees weekly. His commitment to learning more about himself, accepting responsibility for his actions, and most important, not drinking, is the only reason we're still together.
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Old 09-14-2011, 05:28 AM
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Sorry that you have to deal with addiction. It's not a pretty story, I can only hope that your husband embraces a strong recovery program and sticks to it. It is his problem, his choice.

With that said, I encourage you to start putting some money on the side, JIC money. Addiction can drain a bank account faster than you can fanthom. Put the money in an account in your name only.

I also feel that it is better for your hubby to totally suffer the consequences of his action. He can read to your son on the weekends, it is very important not to make excuses to do things for him.

Best of luck!
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