i wasn't prepared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
i wasn't prepared
I've had about all I can take of AH drinking. I was near the brink, but I was waiting, reading, reflecting, trying to figure out what my next move was. Trying to decide if I'm completely done and able to just walk away or do I have it in me to give it one more chance.
Friday he took the day off work. He asked me if I could leave work early and we could go golf or something. I had a deadline and I told him there is no way I could leave anytime before 3 but maybe after that, but we'd see how things went. He seemed fine if we didn't have time to golf maybe we could just fool around before we had to get the kids. I wasn't really interested but i did leave work mostly to avoid his pouting and came home to find him passed out in the chair. I tried to wake him and then decided to just do some stuff around the house. He woke up around 5:00 - i was going to let it go. I knew I wasn't ready to confront him about the drinking and I knew I didn't want to have the discussion when he was already drinking. But I let myself get dragged into it. He started to suggest that i didn't really try to wake him or that I didn't try hard enough. That if I had come home earlier this wouldn't have happened. He admitted he was mad at himself but he proceeded to slam doors and have his little temper tantrum. Then it got bad. I just lost it. I just blew up at him. I said hurtful and unnecessary things (all true - but not helpful) I just went off. Now I need to re-strategize how I'm going to move forward. I'm so frustrated with how things went.
One thing he said, and has said in the past, is that I should do more to not get him to drink. I should send him sexy texts and offer favors to give him something to look forward to and that would help him not drink so much. That he is bored with his life and if I tried to make things more interesting it would help. I said I didn't feel like I should have to do that. That I can't be responsible for entertaining him. Is that a reasonable request? Is that my job?
Friday he took the day off work. He asked me if I could leave work early and we could go golf or something. I had a deadline and I told him there is no way I could leave anytime before 3 but maybe after that, but we'd see how things went. He seemed fine if we didn't have time to golf maybe we could just fool around before we had to get the kids. I wasn't really interested but i did leave work mostly to avoid his pouting and came home to find him passed out in the chair. I tried to wake him and then decided to just do some stuff around the house. He woke up around 5:00 - i was going to let it go. I knew I wasn't ready to confront him about the drinking and I knew I didn't want to have the discussion when he was already drinking. But I let myself get dragged into it. He started to suggest that i didn't really try to wake him or that I didn't try hard enough. That if I had come home earlier this wouldn't have happened. He admitted he was mad at himself but he proceeded to slam doors and have his little temper tantrum. Then it got bad. I just lost it. I just blew up at him. I said hurtful and unnecessary things (all true - but not helpful) I just went off. Now I need to re-strategize how I'm going to move forward. I'm so frustrated with how things went.
One thing he said, and has said in the past, is that I should do more to not get him to drink. I should send him sexy texts and offer favors to give him something to look forward to and that would help him not drink so much. That he is bored with his life and if I tried to make things more interesting it would help. I said I didn't feel like I should have to do that. That I can't be responsible for entertaining him. Is that a reasonable request? Is that my job?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
In the few months I have been on this site, I have read almost everyone with some version of "if you would....." I heard it from my ex ALL the time. He's an adult and you are not the entertainment committee, for goodness sake.
He's going to drink regardless what you do.
He's going to drink regardless what you do.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by retswerb 
Is that a reasonable request? Is that my job?
I would have to say No and No. It is not a reasonable request because he is trying to make YOU responsible for HIS behavior. And it is most certainly not your job anymore than it is my husband's job to make sure I check my blood sugar and watch what I eat and take my insulin because I am diabetic.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Is that my job?
Are you going to al-anon? I have found that it has helped me greatly and brought me back from a very dark place to a place where I am happy, centered and content. I highly recommend it.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Dang,
I have been there myself with the same crazy emotions and raging feelings
Your not alone
I have been there myself, trying to wake up a drunk.
I have been there myself, asking the same question..."Is this my job?"
"Do normal people in normal marriages have to do this?"
The answer is No
Do yourself a favor and find a older thread called "QUACKING"
You should post your in there.
There you will find, all of the lame excuse's why an alcoholic will justify
why they drink or why they wouldnt drink....
Plus if you read some of them, it will make you laugh!!
Keep on going forward cuz they are drunk and it just gets crazier!
I have been there myself with the same crazy emotions and raging feelings
Your not alone
I have been there myself, trying to wake up a drunk.
I have been there myself, asking the same question..."Is this my job?"
"Do normal people in normal marriages have to do this?"
The answer is No
Do yourself a favor and find a older thread called "QUACKING"
You should post your in there.
There you will find, all of the lame excuse's why an alcoholic will justify
why they drink or why they wouldnt drink....
Plus if you read some of them, it will make you laugh!!
Keep on going forward cuz they are drunk and it just gets crazier!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
XABF (my alcoholic ex-boyfriend) would always try to find ways for the drinking to be my fault, because then it wouldn't be his.
"You need to remind me more often about how I don't want to drink."
"You need to make sure you're on time so that I don't drink."
"You need to protect me from my boss so I don't drink."
"You need to look out for my health so I don't get scared and start drinking."
It all came down to how I "needed" to do everything so that he wouldn't have to do anything, and the more I did for him, the less life I had, and the more he drank anyway! The list of things I needed to do was constantly growing, to the point I would go weeks without a shower because he'd insist that I had to watch him constantly to make sure he drank, and he'd drink whenever I was in the shower (not to mention panic because he couldn't see me).
Everything became my fault, and nothing was his responsibility - that was the world he created for himself.
I finally learned how to breathe again when I refused to buy into his image of the world anymore. I am responsible for me, and he is responsible for him, and that is the way things are supposed to be. If I become responsible for him and his actions, there's nobody left to make sure that I'm okay, and it doesn't take long for me to quickly become extremely not-okay.
His actions are not your responsibility, and his consequences are his alone.
"You need to remind me more often about how I don't want to drink."
"You need to make sure you're on time so that I don't drink."
"You need to protect me from my boss so I don't drink."
"You need to look out for my health so I don't get scared and start drinking."
It all came down to how I "needed" to do everything so that he wouldn't have to do anything, and the more I did for him, the less life I had, and the more he drank anyway! The list of things I needed to do was constantly growing, to the point I would go weeks without a shower because he'd insist that I had to watch him constantly to make sure he drank, and he'd drink whenever I was in the shower (not to mention panic because he couldn't see me).
Everything became my fault, and nothing was his responsibility - that was the world he created for himself.
I finally learned how to breathe again when I refused to buy into his image of the world anymore. I am responsible for me, and he is responsible for him, and that is the way things are supposed to be. If I become responsible for him and his actions, there's nobody left to make sure that I'm okay, and it doesn't take long for me to quickly become extremely not-okay.
His actions are not your responsibility, and his consequences are his alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Alanon meeting...is the first thing you should do for yourself.
It is scarey at first, but within 10 minutes, you will feel like you have a hole
new family. One that understands the pain that you carry deep down inside
of you...Because most of us, hold alot inside, things we are too scared or embrassed
to share with our friends or family. In a Alanon class, everyone knows the story.
We have all been there, done that. Your not alone!
It is scarey at first, but within 10 minutes, you will feel like you have a hole
new family. One that understands the pain that you carry deep down inside
of you...Because most of us, hold alot inside, things we are too scared or embrassed
to share with our friends or family. In a Alanon class, everyone knows the story.
We have all been there, done that. Your not alone!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
No, not your job and yes get to Al-anon. Dealing with an active A can really twist our brains and Al-anon will help you focus on you and not on what you should do about him. He sounds like he is quacking. Once I could see and understand what quacking was it really helped me a lot. How about your needs? Is he sending you text messages about how he is going to love you and help you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Rationally, I know and even he knows its not really my "job". However he thinks I'm being mean b/c I'm not willing to "help". I agree - I've got enough to do taking care of myself and our kids. Plus - sex is his go to distraction. I'm supposed to take time out of my work day to send him sexy text to offer him the promise of sex I have no interest in having. GRRR!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I guess I'm not afraid of not fitting in or feeling welcome at alanon but more that its going to really force me to face what I need to do to take care of myself. That is scary!
Once you get used to the idea that you do have to look at yourself, the lessons of Alanon seem to me to come in just the right amount of what you are ready for, at any given time. And when I wonder if it will ever sink in and stick, I look around at the people that have a strong program and I know that I want what they have and it stiffens my resolve to do the hard work.
It's challenging, but I don't find it scary.
I wish you well.
Once you get used to the idea that you do have to look at yourself, the lessons of Alanon seem to me to come in just the right amount of what you are ready for, at any given time. And when I wonder if it will ever sink in and stick, I look around at the people that have a strong program and I know that I want what they have and it stiffens my resolve to do the hard work.
It's challenging, but I don't find it scary.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Originally Posted by retswerb
I guess I'm not afraid of not fitting in or feeling welcome at alanon but more that its going to really force me to face what I need to do to take care of myself. That is scary!
Please go, you will like it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by retswerb
One thing he said, and has said in the past, is that I should do more to not get him to drink. I should send him sexy texts and offer favors to give him something to look forward to and that would help him not drink so much. That he is bored with his life and if I tried to make things more interesting it would help.
When I was living with my AH, I tried so many of these things. Being playful, being seductive, being loving. Reading marriage books. Supporting and encouraging him. Know what? NOTHING I did ever really made an impact, because he is an alcoholic and the primary 'woman' in his life is alcohol.
It's so hard, and sad, because even when living in our alcoholic situation some of us can and still have good times and meaningful connection with our AHs.
In my marriage, I often felt like I was going around with a plastic bag over my head. The bag had a small hole that would allow me to breathe just enough to live and function, but not enough to thrive.
I finally broke last spring. No drunken binges, no hitting, yelling or anything really horrible. Just tired of a man who wanted to stay medicated all the time, and for whom his wife was just another bottle to juggle.
Hang in there. Do go to Al-Anon and continue educating yourself and making the best sense of it all. You deserve more than life with a plastic bag over your head.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
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In my marriage, I often felt like I was going around with a plastic bag over my head. The bag had a small hole that would allow me to breathe just enough to live and function, but not enough to thrive.
In my marriage, I often felt like I was going around with a plastic bag over my head. The bag had a small hole that would allow me to breathe just enough to live and function, but not enough to thrive.
Just tired of a man who wanted to stay medicated all the time, and for whom his wife was just another bottle to juggle.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
It's so hard, and sad, because even when living in our alcoholic situation some of us can and still have good times and meaningful connection with our AHs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Alone22
How about your needs? Is he sending you text messages about how he is going to love you and help you?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm a man with an alcohoic wife...
It is not a reasonable request and it is not your job. It's the biggest crock of alcoholic ******** I have ever heard. Good ******* God. Plus, it doesn't work. It's just manipulative ********.
I'm so sorry this is your life. If you haven't already, please try a few Alanon meetings and see what you think.
Cyranoak
I'm so sorry this is your life. If you haven't already, please try a few Alanon meetings and see what you think.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by retswerb
One thing he said, and has said in the past, is that I should do more to not get him to drink. I should send him sexy texts and offer favors to give him something to look forward to and that would help him not drink so much. That he is bored with his life and if I tried to make things more interesting it would help. I said I didn't feel like I should have to do that. That I can't be responsible for entertaining him. Is that a reasonable request? Is that my job?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by retswerb
One thing he said, and has said in the past, is that I should do more to not get him to drink.
That he is bored with his life and if I tried to make things more interesting it would help.
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