GettingBy

I get it. I get it so clearly now... I reached full detachment this past weekend. It was almost like an out of body experience really. Like I was floating above all the crap... just witnessing from a distance. I have had awareness of the situation, and have absolutely been working on acceptance.

The meeting with a marriage counselor was really the confirmation I needed. A third party witness to the abusive crap that I have been dealing with. It really helped keep me on both feet this past weekend - and helped me stay grounded and be the best mom I could be for my two kids.

And because of that - the three of us had an amazing time. Together, we are a happy, loving respectful little group of giggles and hugs. That_is_the_life. That is My Goal. Happiness and peace for us three.

I have completely stopped trying to engage AH in family stuff. Why? Because I realized it was 1) enabling, 2) asking him to do something he didn't actually want to do and 3) it's MORE FUN without him!!

All of that = acceptance. I'm no longer swimming upstream. Trying to get my fantasy life. My sponsor is encouraging me to continue to work on the exit/separation plan. One day at a time... the end goal is = Rid my every day life of alcoholism.

I will no longer tolerate or accept abusive language/behavior. I am worth more. It's hard. I have to deal with the house and child custody. I just have to keep doing the footwork and have faith. Trust that things will work out.

Please keep me in your prayers folks. I have a feeling it's gonna stormier before I reach calm waters.

Thanks,
Shannon

dollydo

So what is your new plan? When is the house going up for sale?

I am glad that you have finally seen the light!

You deserve so much better, take care of you.

My best....Dolly

TMZ

Good for YOU !!!

Hope the rest goes easy.

wanttobehealthy

Sounds like an 'awkening' type weekend and it is sometimes very good to have an objective 3rd party confirm for us what we know and it sounds like that was a good good thing for you.

I really relate to the part of your post about realizing how much nicer it is to do things without your AH and how enjoyable things are for you and your kids when it's just you 3.

I've been struck in my own life lately realizing the same thing. The girls and I are so much more at ease, there is so little tension and we are free to be silly and happy and it's just remarkably different than it has been ever before. I love it.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I find the same thing. It is so peaceful with the girls and me when he is not here. You do not realize how much negative energy and tension that they put in the air until you have a chance not to be around them. Mine always seems to be grumpy and it does wear on me and can actually change my mood.

GettingBy

Grumpy is putting it mildly!! I swear - every time he opens his mouth the only thing that comes out is pissing and moaning!! And it generally seemed to focus on how bad he's got it - how the world is out to get him. WTF is that!??!

I've lost patience with it. Or maybe better yet - I've recovered from my codependent need to make him feel better. Now I hear him griping, and I think (and sometimes say!), "Well, do something about it if it's that bad."

His grandmother passed away about two months ago. Terribly sad. And unfortunately, his grandfather passed away today. They were both in their late 80s and lived a long time. They were blessed to have great relationships with grand and great-grandkids. The kids and I had a chance to see Papa yesterday - got some smiles, I love yous, hugs and kisses. It was the perfect goodbye. And so while we (kids and I) are sad, we are filled with gratitude. AH... is poutin' worse than a 2 yr old. WTF? He said to me, "YOu don't have any compassion for me. You just don't understand!!" ******** I don't. I buried my grandparents 15 years ago. They never had a chance to see half the **** yours did. So, I DO understand but I refuse to wallow in crap.

Honestly, I think he was hoping that this recent death would suck me in. Ah, no f'in way dude. I'm not being cold and callused - I just refuse to be manipulated.

wanttobehealthy

Again, I'm there with you with finding the whining soooo irritating. I used to try and problem solve and want to help AH. Now when I hear him complain about the latest problem I have to turn away bc my face shows every emotion and all I feel when I hear complaining is "deal with it like an adult or shut up".

Long ago one of my brothers decided it would be cute to assign everyone a Smurf name (he was like 7). Out of the blue a few yrs ago my siblings and I were talking about this and one of them assigned the ex-girlfriend of another brother the nickname of pouty smurf. Whenever AH is whining and playing victim (he's so tired, he's so over worked, his father is sick etc...) I think of calling him pouty smurf and it lifts the irritation a bit. Maybe you could do this with yours-- he sounds like my AH's twin!

GettingBy

Thanks WTBH!!! I do have a nickname for him... that I use only with my sponsor... Captain Pissy!! I also call him the Commander of the S.S. Woe Is Me ship!!! It does help to have a little humor about it... otherwise I'd get so angry I'd snap.

wellnowwhat

Ditto in my household. His nickname in his absence is Mr. Doom and Gloom.

I am worried though. My normie friends claim that their spouses of a certain age have become just as negative and grumpy as my AH. Yikes!

Tuffgirl

LOL! I used to call mine Captain Grumpy Pants or Crabby Patty...never to his face, always under my breath. Sadly, this is what I call my kids and have for many years. Damn if the behavior isn't eerily similar. WTH is right...who didn't grow the F up? I had to, yeesh. Welcome to adulthood buddy.

Linkmeister

I referred to my ex (depending on mood and level of intoxication) as a selection of the 7 Dwarfs: Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, or a combination, thereof.

One of my final thoughts to him when I ended things, was - after yet another intoxicated bitch session about what he does not have, as opposed to what I have - was to "man up, grow up and sober up." So far, he's 0 for 3 on that and will probably be like that for the rest of his life.

CagedBird

haha, love these names.

I call mine, Eeyore.

"Oh bother, I lost my tail again."




Everything is always about how bad he has it, how everyone's out to ruin his life.

I lost my job, my band broke up, my this, my that, my my my.

m1k3

Haha, I really like the nicknames. The only name I have for my AW that I can use here is zombie-woman. The rest all have some variation the *itch word.

I think the thing that annoys me most is I find myself grieving for the relationship I couldn't wait to get away from. It's kind of like missing having your head stuck in a vice. Just doesn't make sense.

Your friend,

GettingBy

To a normal healthy person... no, it wouldn't make sense. For a codependent person, I completely get it and understand. I think it's a lot like Stockholm Syndrome - where the hostage feels compassion toward the captor. There is an extreme attachment that develops in the alcoholic/codependent relationship.

I think for me, the grief has been (and probably will continue to be for awhile)... over the loss of the fantasy. Not grieving what my marriage was, but what I hoped it could be, or at the very least a disporportionate memory of what was (ie. remembering the good more than the bad).

Achieving true detachment has been profoundly difficult for me. I wouldn't say that at this point I am completely detached... but I'm far enough along to see things a lot clearier. I'm able to see what IS.

Thank god for Al-anon.

m1k3

I have thought this also. That is way I find the "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages." quote to be so appropriate.

Thumper

I didn't really have nicknames but my niece once said "Uncle S (my xah) is where fun goes to die."

Ouch - but so true.

m1k3

where fun goes to die....LOL!


Thanks for that post.



Your friend,

mefirst

I think I need to find a nick name for mine. I must work on that one. LOL Humor is good!

I to find myself doing stuff with the kids alone. When I start to be sad about it I just try and remember that he wouldn't make the experence any better. It would be like trying to watch a movie with him, which is a nightmare cause he is up and down a hundred times to go get another beer. The only way I will do it now is in a dark theather where he can't go anywhere for beer.

m1k3

Why do it with him at all? What do you get out of that?

mefirst

You know, I have never thought about it. I enjoy going to the movies that is why. So I get teh enjoyment of the movie but that is coming from the screen. Perhapse I will just go alone. I don't mind my own company and it isn't like you can really talk at the moives anyway.