I am fuming.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
I am fuming.....
the saga continues!!
Look at me, the idiot, trying to talk to my abf like he's a thinking normal decent human being about separating the cell phone bill which he has historically refused/forgotten to pay his portion. He offers me this awesome deal: he'll gladly drop off money for the rest of the year if I keep him on the plan until the end of the year. I txtd back and said that would not be good for me since I'm behind on all the bills (thanks to him, but I did not say that). He txtd back trying to start an argument, saying he just can't bear to talk about money when he buried a friend today (he didn't show up for the showing or funeral, btw, but he doesn't know I know this) and is thinking of another dead friend (btw, both died from alcohol related accidents). I did make a mistake and thanked him for placing me last on the list, just like always; I was so mad and I know I shouldn't have done that, but I freakin' did! Now he's mad at me for not asking HIM how HE'S been! And that I haven't asked HIM how his mother/biggest enabler is doing with her chemotherapy!! He hasn't even talked to his mother about her cancer diagnosis or treatment! AND that I WANTED this because I asked him to leave!! WTF?!!! His behavior is, once again, my fault, according to him.
I was able to detach after reading that. I informed him I have kept in touch with his family independent of him. I didn't respond to any of his self pitying accusations. He hasn't asked me how worried I am about my mortgage or other bills! I did leave that one alone. But, I did tell him I have much gratitude for him because his behavior shows me his true colors and that he should call me if he wants to have any input about where the rest of his belongings will be moved to. I am so done with all this.
Look at me, the idiot, trying to talk to my abf like he's a thinking normal decent human being about separating the cell phone bill which he has historically refused/forgotten to pay his portion. He offers me this awesome deal: he'll gladly drop off money for the rest of the year if I keep him on the plan until the end of the year. I txtd back and said that would not be good for me since I'm behind on all the bills (thanks to him, but I did not say that). He txtd back trying to start an argument, saying he just can't bear to talk about money when he buried a friend today (he didn't show up for the showing or funeral, btw, but he doesn't know I know this) and is thinking of another dead friend (btw, both died from alcohol related accidents). I did make a mistake and thanked him for placing me last on the list, just like always; I was so mad and I know I shouldn't have done that, but I freakin' did! Now he's mad at me for not asking HIM how HE'S been! And that I haven't asked HIM how his mother/biggest enabler is doing with her chemotherapy!! He hasn't even talked to his mother about her cancer diagnosis or treatment! AND that I WANTED this because I asked him to leave!! WTF?!!! His behavior is, once again, my fault, according to him.
I was able to detach after reading that. I informed him I have kept in touch with his family independent of him. I didn't respond to any of his self pitying accusations. He hasn't asked me how worried I am about my mortgage or other bills! I did leave that one alone. But, I did tell him I have much gratitude for him because his behavior shows me his true colors and that he should call me if he wants to have any input about where the rest of his belongings will be moved to. I am so done with all this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
stay strong. I had to go no contact for my own sanity. I refused to be sucked into another over the top crazy, this is going nowhere conversation. Yes, we often forget that they are not rational. They just have that abililty to turn it around and make us the bad guy..
It will get easier and better. Just take care of you. Sending you strength.........
It will get easier and better. Just take care of you. Sending you strength.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Thank you.....I was just reading posts regarding no contact for awhile. I think I may have to do that. What do I do with all his stuff, tho? Do I do no contact before or after he gets his crap outta my house? And I cannot stand that he will make supportive comments on my fb page and his pity party comments on his. The appearances issues must be pretty important to him. I haven't responded to any of that since that is what he wants. 
Thanks again! I feel better now.
Thanks again! I feel better now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
I'm contacting the cell phone company tomorrow to see what I can do. Just afraid I'll get stuck with an early termination fee. But, what the hell, I'm already over my head with debt....what's another few hundred? My peace of mind is worth that!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
What I have learned is that when my peace/sanity became top priority... I would do whatever, spend whatever - to get it/keep it.
I was guilted into chance after chance after chance after chance... "Don't do this to me now... it's almost Christmas!" "Don't do this right now, I'm struggling at work." "Don't do this now my grandmother is sick." It was ALWAYS about HIM. Never about me and what I was going through. And the reality is (as I've gratefully come to learn, finally)... is that I am not doing anything TO him.
I am simply taking care of me.
Right now you are paying for a phone that he is using to torment you. Cut the dead weight. Shut the phone off. You have the key to unlock you from the jail you are in - use it!
Are you going to Al-anon? It has really saved my life!
Shannon
I was guilted into chance after chance after chance after chance... "Don't do this to me now... it's almost Christmas!" "Don't do this right now, I'm struggling at work." "Don't do this now my grandmother is sick." It was ALWAYS about HIM. Never about me and what I was going through. And the reality is (as I've gratefully come to learn, finally)... is that I am not doing anything TO him.
I am simply taking care of me.
Right now you are paying for a phone that he is using to torment you. Cut the dead weight. Shut the phone off. You have the key to unlock you from the jail you are in - use it!
Are you going to Al-anon? It has really saved my life!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I just checked my Verizon On-line account - and there is a great feature there - "Suspend Service"!! You don't even have to call the company. Just shut the phone down!
A few months of deactivated phone service may be cheaper than an early termination fee... something worth looking into!
A few months of deactivated phone service may be cheaper than an early termination fee... something worth looking into!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Are you going to Al-anon? It has really saved my life!
Al-anon has given me the tools and support to restore my sanity and to maintain it.
I highly recommend you attend several meetings. Try more than one group also as each has their own flavor.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Proposed checklist:
1) Pack up all his crap and leave it at his place or at one of his friend' place
2) Cut him off from the cell phone plan either by suspending service or otherwise
3) Defriend from FB
4) Block all his emails accounts from all your email account
5) Al-Anon
Give yourself the gift of peace from his insanity.
1) Pack up all his crap and leave it at his place or at one of his friend' place
2) Cut him off from the cell phone plan either by suspending service or otherwise
3) Defriend from FB
4) Block all his emails accounts from all your email account
5) Al-Anon
Give yourself the gift of peace from his insanity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
Proposed checklist:
1) Pack up all his crap and leave it at his place or at one of his friend' place
2) Cut him off from the cell phone plan either by suspending service or otherwise
3) Defriend from FB
4) Block all his emails accounts from all your email account
5) Al-Anon
Give yourself the gift of peace from his insanity.
1) Pack up all his crap and leave it at his place or at one of his friend' place
2) Cut him off from the cell phone plan either by suspending service or otherwise
3) Defriend from FB
4) Block all his emails accounts from all your email account
5) Al-Anon
Give yourself the gift of peace from his insanity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
I cut off his phone that was on my bill, packed his crap, put it in the garage, and told him what day he would be allowed into the garage to get it. Sent an email with the information to him and changed my phone number. His emails go to spam. He came and got his junk and I stayed in the house with the doors closed until he left. It was ugly, but the only way I could avoid his verbal attacks.
Every day without contact is a peaceful day in my life.
Every day without contact is a peaceful day in my life.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by OnMyWay11
I cut off his phone that was on my bill, packed his crap, put it in the garage, and told him what day he would be allowed into the garage to get it. Sent an email with the information to him and changed my phone number. His emails go to spam. He came and got his junk and I stayed in the house with the doors closed until he left. It was ugly, but the only way I could avoid his verbal attacks.
Every day without contact is a peaceful day in my life.
Every day without contact is a peaceful day in my life.
Very good plan, and very well executed. I'm sure it was tough, but everyday is looking better for you. Keep it up!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
I just got off the phone with verizon! They let me take the phone off the plan if I report it lost/stolen; this way he can keep his phone number (how very nice of me) by assuming his own bill for it. Also, if I wouldn't have reported it lost/stolen, then I would've been charged for an unused line/phone number and he could just go on his merry way.....thank god for sympathetic workers! Neither one of us gets charged with an early term fee, which I was ready to pay off in installments if need be; and he can have the opportunity to be an adult on his own money. Thank you for all the support!! 
His crap is next. I found a storage place close to where he thinks he's hiding from me. They have month to month leases. I will pack up his stuff and take it there. Paying the first month lease shouldn't be too big of an issue and it IS worth my peace of mind.
I am going to al anon, btw, and it has helped me understand this trifling disease. I totally get it. Keeping emotionally detached when I feel pounded upon is exhausting....I think I do it 51% of the time when we're face to face. But it is hard. I meet with my sponsor for our first meeting tomorrow!! Thanks again!!
His crap is next. I found a storage place close to where he thinks he's hiding from me. They have month to month leases. I will pack up his stuff and take it there. Paying the first month lease shouldn't be too big of an issue and it IS worth my peace of mind.
I am going to al anon, btw, and it has helped me understand this trifling disease. I totally get it. Keeping emotionally detached when I feel pounded upon is exhausting....I think I do it 51% of the time when we're face to face. But it is hard. I meet with my sponsor for our first meeting tomorrow!! Thanks again!!
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by halvsie
I just got off the phone with verizon! They let me take the phone off the plan if I report it lost/stolen; this way he can keep his phone number (how very nice of me) by assuming his own bill for it. Also, if I wouldn't have reported it lost/stolen, then I would've been charged for an unused line/phone number and he could just go on his merry way.....thank god for sympathetic workers! Neither one of us gets charged with an early term fee, which I was ready to pay off in installments if need be; and he can have the opportunity to be an adult on his own money. Thank you for all the support!!
His crap is next. I found a storage place close to where he thinks he's hiding from me. They have month to month leases. I will pack up his stuff and take it there. Paying the first month lease shouldn't be too big of an issue and it IS worth my peace of mind.
I am going to al anon, btw, and it has helped me understand this trifling disease. I totally get it. Keeping emotionally detached when I feel pounded upon is exhausting....I think I do it 51% of the time when we're face to face. But it is hard. I meet with my sponsor for our first meeting tomorrow!! Thanks again!!
His crap is next. I found a storage place close to where he thinks he's hiding from me. They have month to month leases. I will pack up his stuff and take it there. Paying the first month lease shouldn't be too big of an issue and it IS worth my peace of mind.
I am going to al anon, btw, and it has helped me understand this trifling disease. I totally get it. Keeping emotionally detached when I feel pounded upon is exhausting....I think I do it 51% of the time when we're face to face. But it is hard. I meet with my sponsor for our first meeting tomorrow!! Thanks again!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
Welp, the shitstorm started right after I got off the boards earlier! It wasn't about the phone, it was about facebook! We have had more stupid arguments about facebook then I would like to admit or remember!! I keep telling him it's not a real world but he begs to differ....unfriending him has started a hail of crap hurled at me. He accused me of hiding something from him, he would never give up on me like I have on him, I'm just trying to get even with him, etc. I kept saying, "I understand this is how you see it. But I'm not doing anything TO you, I'm taking care of myself." Which kept pissing him off. He said all I'm doing is building resentment and mistrust in him towards me. I declined to tell him that he came with that built in when I allowed him to move in with me.
My friends talked me out of the storage unit, fearing my name would be sent to collections if he didn't resume payment the following month. So I will do what someone else did. Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage on friday after 5. I sent him an email with an FYI already. More crap slung at me. You'd think I've been trying to f*** a monkey with all the crap that has been thrown at me!
And, still, I'm having a hard time not obsessing over the entire thing. Does the obsessing get better? I know his disease allows him to act like this, his logic is nonsense, yet, he is responsible for his behavior. It was so hard not to take the bait with all his craziness today. He even demanded I read my texts "outload" so I can hear how I sound. Texts. I didn't know texting had a tone....another repeating infamous argument we've had for the past almost 2 years. I'm sad and tired, and feel like I'm raw.
My friends talked me out of the storage unit, fearing my name would be sent to collections if he didn't resume payment the following month. So I will do what someone else did. Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage on friday after 5. I sent him an email with an FYI already. More crap slung at me. You'd think I've been trying to f*** a monkey with all the crap that has been thrown at me!
And, still, I'm having a hard time not obsessing over the entire thing. Does the obsessing get better? I know his disease allows him to act like this, his logic is nonsense, yet, he is responsible for his behavior. It was so hard not to take the bait with all his craziness today. He even demanded I read my texts "outload" so I can hear how I sound. Texts. I didn't know texting had a tone....another repeating infamous argument we've had for the past almost 2 years. I'm sad and tired, and feel like I'm raw.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
I would love nothing better to curl up and go to sleep or veg out, but I am at work. But, I think his phone is turned off!!! I haven't heard from him for hours....thank god. And I"ll be busy all evening tomorrow with al anon stuff.
I can't tell y'all how much I appreciate all your support and, especially, experiences....I have felt so supported.
I can't tell y'all how much I appreciate all your support and, especially, experiences....I have felt so supported.
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