now what ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Can you get him to move out? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage statement?
If not, just stop paying his bills and either stay with your relatives or go get your own place.
You can tell yourself--and him, if you want--that you're giving it 6 months. If he's still off his head in six months, then fine, you've given it a shot. If he pulls himself round and is doing better, then maybe there'll be a chance for reunion.
If not, just stop paying his bills and either stay with your relatives or go get your own place.
You can tell yourself--and him, if you want--that you're giving it 6 months. If he's still off his head in six months, then fine, you've given it a shot. If he pulls himself round and is doing better, then maybe there'll be a chance for reunion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You are the only one who can answer that question.
I can't help but wonder how he is to find any self-respect while you continue to pay all the bills?
Perhaps set a time limit on paying such things would be an option.
The amount of time he has been sober is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the grand scheme of things.
It's staying in it for the long haul that makes the difference.
Is there any hurry to move back home?
I can't help but wonder how he is to find any self-respect while you continue to pay all the bills?
Perhaps set a time limit on paying such things would be an option.
The amount of time he has been sober is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the grand scheme of things.
It's staying in it for the long haul that makes the difference.
Is there any hurry to move back home?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Cut him off
He doesn't have to face reality while you are still paying the bills. Tell him you a cutting him off. That is what you need to do. And then tell him he has to move. Tell him that if he is not moved out by a certain date you will stop paying on things so you can afford to get your own apartment. But if he moves out you will talk to him about what you can afford to help him with. Give him a few months to stay the course, if you still want the relationship. Otherwise as someone told me speed dial the divorce attorney.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"omg 6 months is almost a lifetime"
So, your not planning to live very long? 6 months is just a starting point when it comes to recovery.
What is your rush? Why not let him prove himself? I wouldn't consider doing a thing until he has held a job for 6 months or more, is paying his own bills, and of coarse, sober and still in a recovery program.
So, your not planning to live very long? 6 months is just a starting point when it comes to recovery.
What is your rush? Why not let him prove himself? I wouldn't consider doing a thing until he has held a job for 6 months or more, is paying his own bills, and of coarse, sober and still in a recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by gbz 
thank you , i just needed to know some kind of time frame,
omg 6 months is almost a lifetime. I know 1 month is not enough was shooting for 2 months .
apt is his name as of 13 yrs ago. I cant cover his and my new apt, I am planning on advising him im cutting him off by end of October if no true changes are seen. but now i have to reconsider the time frame
thank you for the input
gbz
omg 6 months is almost a lifetime. I know 1 month is not enough was shooting for 2 months .
apt is his name as of 13 yrs ago. I cant cover his and my new apt, I am planning on advising him im cutting him off by end of October if no true changes are seen. but now i have to reconsider the time frame
thank you for the input
gbz
As for cutting him off, I will share with you that it was do or die for me after I left rehab. I was the single mother of a daughter and had no choice but to beat feet and find a job ASAP to support the two of us. Thank God I had no one to pay my bills. I had to be responsible.
It always amazes me when an alcoholic is being supported by a spouse as there is no excuse for the alcoholic to not be pulling his/her own weight.
I am thankful for the experience that I had no choice but to be responsible. It helped me to grow up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Oh, gosh, I didn't mean pay his *bills* for six months!
Cut him off now. Like as of Monday morning.
I just meant, you can give yourself a mental deadline of six months. At the end of six months, if he's still being a loser, then oh well. Or if he's genuinely in a different place, then maybe consider reconciliation.
Or just decide that you're done now, if you want.
Cut him off now. Like as of Monday morning.
I just meant, you can give yourself a mental deadline of six months. At the end of six months, if he's still being a loser, then oh well. Or if he's genuinely in a different place, then maybe consider reconciliation.
Or just decide that you're done now, if you want.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by gbz
its amazing how i dont want to hear this .
i dont know if i can make 6 months
but as freedom said resonates with me................ The amount of time he has been sober is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the grand scheme of things.
i dont know if i can make 6 months
but as freedom said resonates with me................ The amount of time he has been sober is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the grand scheme of things.
It's whatever you can live with.
I know for my AD, it would take 2 years of continuous solid recovery before she can even set foot in my house, and that is based on her past behavior.
She isn't anywhere near ready for recovery.
She will be the first to tell you she doesn't have a problem.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome back and glad to see you started your own thread!
This is one of my favorite sticky (permanent) posts from the top of the forum. I followed these steps while negotiating changes in my relationship
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
This is one of my favorite sticky (permanent) posts from the top of the forum. I followed these steps while negotiating changes in my relationship
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Did you leave to teach him a lesson? If you left for the right reason, why can't you give him six months to prove himself?
I am 64 years young, and believe it not or not, 6 months, to me, is nothing, I wouldn't die if I gave his recovery and job record a six month window. Do you really want to go back to a toxic enviorment? I don't follow your thinking.
I am 64 years young, and believe it not or not, 6 months, to me, is nothing, I wouldn't die if I gave his recovery and job record a six month window. Do you really want to go back to a toxic enviorment? I don't follow your thinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If you need more time to think this through, then by all means, take it.
Financially speaking though, I would advise not putting one more penny towards paying for HIS comforts. You are only protecting him from the consequences of his own choices. He's a big boy; if he wants to live like one, he can figure it out. If he can't, there are shelters. I know it sounds harsh, but let's put it this way: you're looking out for him...but who's looking out for you?
As for your belongings, how about asking a friend or a family member to go get the stuff you want? If you aren't ready to have the big conversation with him, then don't have it. He will no doubt hound you for some answers, but you are under no obligation to give them. You can formulate a stock phrase such as "I need to think about our relationship and to do that, I need to be away from you."
I know it's weird to conceive of the situation this way, but in reality, YOU have control. You may be holding back from taking that control because you don't want to confront him or hurt his feelings, but you do have control over your life.
Keep posting
Financially speaking though, I would advise not putting one more penny towards paying for HIS comforts. You are only protecting him from the consequences of his own choices. He's a big boy; if he wants to live like one, he can figure it out. If he can't, there are shelters. I know it sounds harsh, but let's put it this way: you're looking out for him...but who's looking out for you?
As for your belongings, how about asking a friend or a family member to go get the stuff you want? If you aren't ready to have the big conversation with him, then don't have it. He will no doubt hound you for some answers, but you are under no obligation to give them. You can formulate a stock phrase such as "I need to think about our relationship and to do that, I need to be away from you."
I know it's weird to conceive of the situation this way, but in reality, YOU have control. You may be holding back from taking that control because you don't want to confront him or hurt his feelings, but you do have control over your life.
Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi gbz,
My own ES&H.
I left my verbally abusive AH (23yrs) and asked him to leave quite a few times over the years but it was always as a 'gesture' to get him to 'see the light' It never worked. It started way back by moving into the spare bedroom, not speaking, then asking him to leave, taking off my wedding ring - the gestures just got bigger and bigger but he still continued drinking.
A couple of years ago, when I had reached my own rock bottom of living a roller coaster existence, I found Al-anon, this website and got myself into therapy. I have spent this time working on me and have grown to like myself. I started enjoying a few hobbies of my own such as singing in a choir and was leaving the house a couple of nights a week and busy with my new circle of friends.
One day, following a talking to from my doctor, I realised that although I had been trying very hard to ignore my AH drinking, I wasnt doing a very good job and although my life had improved dramatically, I was still stressed, worrying about coming home, lonely and watching him drink on a daily basis was too much for me. I thought that I might die - my AH drinking would end up killing me! I told him that night that I was going to leave him, as I could just not live with the drinking anymore. six weeks later, when I found a nice house to rent, I left. I left for me, not to shock my husband into action, to be honest I couldnt care less at that stage what he did or didnt do. He had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. As I wouldnt live with him drinking, I expected to be on my own into the forseeable future.
I was living on my own for the first time in my life (45yrs) as my two grown up DD's had already left home. It was hard to begin with but I soon got into the routine of a peaceful existance, out with my friends, watching TV, doing kareoki on my own and generally pleasing myself. 3 months later, my AH contacted me asking to meet. He was very shaky, had lost a lot of weight and told me that he didnt want to loose me, he had reached his rock bottom, he had been to the doctor and was on anti depressant medication and was seeing a therapist to help stop his drinking. I said that I was never going to live with drinking again and the ball was in his court.
He is currently 5 weeks sober. He is 'showing' me through his actions, that he has every intention of staying sober for the rest of his life. He is also 'saying' the right things too. He seems genuine, he seems to 'get it' but its very early days in recovery terms. He has his own rental, and is responsible for himself, his recovery and this is a huge self esteem boost for him too. He is taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions, understands he has spiralled out of control and is very sorry. I have said to him not to say sorry but to show me he is sorry by staying sober for the rest of his life.
We both have a long way to go and we are not rushing into getting back together as that is a long term plan for both of us. If we have to wait a year or more, then in the scheme of things thats not too bad considering we are already 23yrs into a marriage with another potential 20-30 odd years to go and we both want this half of our marriage to be filled with positive behaviours.
I dont want to get hurt again, so in the meantime I am continuing with therapy, SR etc to make sure that I stay healthy in mind, body and soul and watching from afar, my AH own recovery.
gbz - sounds like you could do with putting your own life, health and happiness first for a change. Be responsible for only you, enjoy the lightness that brings. Your AH is a big, grown up boy (man) and it wouldnt do him any harm to do the same for himself. If he grows up, takes responsibility for himself and his actions, find sobrietry then definitely plan a future together. You will know a solid attempt from a half assed attempt, so dont risk your own happiness by jumping back into the pot too soon. The misery will only continue. Honeymoon periods, soon turn into downward spirals, over and over again with an active alcoholic.
My own ES&H.
I left my verbally abusive AH (23yrs) and asked him to leave quite a few times over the years but it was always as a 'gesture' to get him to 'see the light' It never worked. It started way back by moving into the spare bedroom, not speaking, then asking him to leave, taking off my wedding ring - the gestures just got bigger and bigger but he still continued drinking.
A couple of years ago, when I had reached my own rock bottom of living a roller coaster existence, I found Al-anon, this website and got myself into therapy. I have spent this time working on me and have grown to like myself. I started enjoying a few hobbies of my own such as singing in a choir and was leaving the house a couple of nights a week and busy with my new circle of friends.
One day, following a talking to from my doctor, I realised that although I had been trying very hard to ignore my AH drinking, I wasnt doing a very good job and although my life had improved dramatically, I was still stressed, worrying about coming home, lonely and watching him drink on a daily basis was too much for me. I thought that I might die - my AH drinking would end up killing me! I told him that night that I was going to leave him, as I could just not live with the drinking anymore. six weeks later, when I found a nice house to rent, I left. I left for me, not to shock my husband into action, to be honest I couldnt care less at that stage what he did or didnt do. He had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. As I wouldnt live with him drinking, I expected to be on my own into the forseeable future.
I was living on my own for the first time in my life (45yrs) as my two grown up DD's had already left home. It was hard to begin with but I soon got into the routine of a peaceful existance, out with my friends, watching TV, doing kareoki on my own and generally pleasing myself. 3 months later, my AH contacted me asking to meet. He was very shaky, had lost a lot of weight and told me that he didnt want to loose me, he had reached his rock bottom, he had been to the doctor and was on anti depressant medication and was seeing a therapist to help stop his drinking. I said that I was never going to live with drinking again and the ball was in his court.
He is currently 5 weeks sober. He is 'showing' me through his actions, that he has every intention of staying sober for the rest of his life. He is also 'saying' the right things too. He seems genuine, he seems to 'get it' but its very early days in recovery terms. He has his own rental, and is responsible for himself, his recovery and this is a huge self esteem boost for him too. He is taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions, understands he has spiralled out of control and is very sorry. I have said to him not to say sorry but to show me he is sorry by staying sober for the rest of his life.
We both have a long way to go and we are not rushing into getting back together as that is a long term plan for both of us. If we have to wait a year or more, then in the scheme of things thats not too bad considering we are already 23yrs into a marriage with another potential 20-30 odd years to go and we both want this half of our marriage to be filled with positive behaviours.
I dont want to get hurt again, so in the meantime I am continuing with therapy, SR etc to make sure that I stay healthy in mind, body and soul and watching from afar, my AH own recovery.
gbz - sounds like you could do with putting your own life, health and happiness first for a change. Be responsible for only you, enjoy the lightness that brings. Your AH is a big, grown up boy (man) and it wouldnt do him any harm to do the same for himself. If he grows up, takes responsibility for himself and his actions, find sobrietry then definitely plan a future together. You will know a solid attempt from a half assed attempt, so dont risk your own happiness by jumping back into the pot too soon. The misery will only continue. Honeymoon periods, soon turn into downward spirals, over and over again with an active alcoholic.
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