The ebb and flow of grief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
The ebb and flow of grief
Has anyone noticed the pattern of grief on a long-term basis? I've been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with grief lately and just two weeks ago, I was fine and dandy. It seems to come in waves, weeks or months after the event. I left my abusive exah on October 31, 2009. I got sole custody of DD on May 31, 2010. I got my divorce on July 1st, 2010. And yet, I'm only now feeling a renewed sense of grief.
My parents and I have been cleaning the basement and garage lately. We've decided to stay in this house, because the neighborhood is perfect for DD, and gut the basement/garage to build a studio and 3/4 bath for me, along with a bedroom for DD. It's a BIG reno project and it requires us all to let go of junk, including books, boxes of photos, drawers full of documents and memorabilia.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out my last box of pictures when I found my old dancer's license, my old outfit, along with a goodbye card and pages of messages written to me by my coworkers and customers at the club I danced at. Everyone wished me and exah luck in our new life...
It brought back a flood of emotions and memories: I recalled how hopeful I was to move away and FINALLY stop dancing for a living. I recalled how much I repressed my feelings of dread at living with exah and not having the massive under-the-table income of a dancer to keep us afloat. And then, last night, I had a series of angry dreams about my exah, where I relived the misery of our life together in the many apartments we lived in; we kept having to move because exah wouldn't pay the rent and we'd get evicted. Once I woke from those dreams this morning, I realize just how angry I was at the time and how much I pushed down those feelings while I was running away from him, fighting for custody and a quick divorce. In a very real way, I ran from those emotions by dating my boyfriend; I buried myself in the bliss of being loved and respected for the first time in my life. I realize now that I need to spend some time grieving, and voicing the anger I felt at being mistreated, lied to, cheated on, and abused for the years I was with exah. If I don't, it'll keep resurfacing and eating me up.
Isn't it strange how grief ebbs and flows like that?
Thanks for listening/reading. I'm so glad to have SR and HP at my side.
My parents and I have been cleaning the basement and garage lately. We've decided to stay in this house, because the neighborhood is perfect for DD, and gut the basement/garage to build a studio and 3/4 bath for me, along with a bedroom for DD. It's a BIG reno project and it requires us all to let go of junk, including books, boxes of photos, drawers full of documents and memorabilia.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out my last box of pictures when I found my old dancer's license, my old outfit, along with a goodbye card and pages of messages written to me by my coworkers and customers at the club I danced at. Everyone wished me and exah luck in our new life...
It brought back a flood of emotions and memories: I recalled how hopeful I was to move away and FINALLY stop dancing for a living. I recalled how much I repressed my feelings of dread at living with exah and not having the massive under-the-table income of a dancer to keep us afloat. And then, last night, I had a series of angry dreams about my exah, where I relived the misery of our life together in the many apartments we lived in; we kept having to move because exah wouldn't pay the rent and we'd get evicted. Once I woke from those dreams this morning, I realize just how angry I was at the time and how much I pushed down those feelings while I was running away from him, fighting for custody and a quick divorce. In a very real way, I ran from those emotions by dating my boyfriend; I buried myself in the bliss of being loved and respected for the first time in my life. I realize now that I need to spend some time grieving, and voicing the anger I felt at being mistreated, lied to, cheated on, and abused for the years I was with exah. If I don't, it'll keep resurfacing and eating me up.
Isn't it strange how grief ebbs and flows like that?
Thanks for listening/reading. I'm so glad to have SR and HP at my side.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Yes, sometimes your intense inner life surfaces to cloud day to day reality and of course your negative experiences fill your inner self with distorted thoughts and feelings. We all need to confront those fears and anxieties, but hopefully being rational adults we can put them in their proper place. Unlike our AH's who seem to get thrown by the slightest upset.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Oh I SO get where you're coming from... I can be okay for days or weeks and then hear something, see something, have an important date approach (my anniversary is later this month) and feel the waves of grief and loss just crash over me. And of course with AH still in my life to some degree bc of the girls, when I am feeling grief and sadness it's like he has a radar detector and can tell and that's when I'm vulnerable to his b.s.
What you describe about finding the box of items and thinking back on the past and your memories-- I've been there. In my time off from working I've been sorting through the clutter in our loft/attic and have come across so many momentos of AH's and my time together and it's been hard.
Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.
What you describe about finding the box of items and thinking back on the past and your memories-- I've been there. In my time off from working I've been sorting through the clutter in our loft/attic and have come across so many momentos of AH's and my time together and it's been hard.
Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
This might be self destructive on my part, but I have two REALLY nasty voice mails that I saved. When I feel down and miss him, I replay them to remember what kind of person I am missing. I am pretty close to the point to deleting them as I have less of those miss him moments every day. This helps me set aside the illusion that things were in any way great with him. (and it IS an illusion after the hell he put me through)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ohmyway...I had one of those nasty messages too. In it, exah's voice was dripping with sarcasm while he threatened my parents with baseless legal action. I kept it until...last week, but because I missed him, but to remind myself just how nasty he could get, and to guard myself against him further.
I feel like this basement clean-up has been very symbolic for me. My parents have owned this house for 17 years now and we've always had this habit of throwing stuff down into the basement and garage to make the rest of the house look uncluttered. There are piles of emotional attachment down there and tearing through it or giving some away is very therapeutic. I guess it's bound to bring up some negative stuff too.
I feel like this basement clean-up has been very symbolic for me. My parents have owned this house for 17 years now and we've always had this habit of throwing stuff down into the basement and garage to make the rest of the house look uncluttered. There are piles of emotional attachment down there and tearing through it or giving some away is very therapeutic. I guess it's bound to bring up some negative stuff too.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
I was looking through a pile of old holy jeans I stuffed in my closet lastnight. In the pile was a pair of the XABF's jeans. It brought me to my knees, literally. It's been 2 months no contact and just his old used up holy jeans had me feeling like my bones were liquid and my soul gone.
I'm actually kind of scared for myself, this depression just won't let up. Meanwhile he's spending every weekend partying.......NOT FAIR!
I'm actually kind of scared for myself, this depression just won't let up. Meanwhile he's spending every weekend partying.......NOT FAIR!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I have felt the same way at times about my divorce. I suppose grief ebbs and flows because it would be too difficult or too debillitating if we had to deal with it all at once.
Sounds like you needed to get where you are now in order to be able to deal with some more. Your HP knows you can handle it better now when it will not get in the way of your doing what you need to do for yourself and your DD.
My RABF was in my life and active, although, I had no idea what I was dealing with when I was going through the end of my marriage to non-alcoholic but cheating husband. I did not grieve the end of my marriage until much later. And that's ok...I look at my life as a journey...2 divorces...2 wonderful, but sometimes challenging children...and me. Ups and downs are all a part of the road we take, one day at a time.
Noday, I always appreciate your posts and replies...you are a smart and sensitive woman, and you have given me strength at times when I needed it. Thank you.
Sounds like you needed to get where you are now in order to be able to deal with some more. Your HP knows you can handle it better now when it will not get in the way of your doing what you need to do for yourself and your DD.
My RABF was in my life and active, although, I had no idea what I was dealing with when I was going through the end of my marriage to non-alcoholic but cheating husband. I did not grieve the end of my marriage until much later. And that's ok...I look at my life as a journey...2 divorces...2 wonderful, but sometimes challenging children...and me. Ups and downs are all a part of the road we take, one day at a time.
Noday, I always appreciate your posts and replies...you are a smart and sensitive woman, and you have given me strength at times when I needed it. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well maybe you can do some mental cleaning house as well as physical cleaning house.
I had an unexpected pang of grief over Easter. I was so sad that my dream didn't happen. Melody Beattie wrote 'nothing dies slower or more painfully then a dream' and boy was she right. When I get those ebbs and flows I am still grieving over the loss of the dream, not so much the man. What could have been. I went and deleted all the vicious and terrible emails after that. I had saved them all and there were many. Not even sure why I saved them because I wasn't reminding myself of how bad he was - but about how terrible I could feel.????? Something like that. It makes no sense to me even now but I wanted it all gone - all the ugly stuff out of my life.
Thinking of you and hoping the purging is cathartic.
I had an unexpected pang of grief over Easter. I was so sad that my dream didn't happen. Melody Beattie wrote 'nothing dies slower or more painfully then a dream' and boy was she right. When I get those ebbs and flows I am still grieving over the loss of the dream, not so much the man. What could have been. I went and deleted all the vicious and terrible emails after that. I had saved them all and there were many. Not even sure why I saved them because I wasn't reminding myself of how bad he was - but about how terrible I could feel.????? Something like that. It makes no sense to me even now but I wanted it all gone - all the ugly stuff out of my life.
Thinking of you and hoping the purging is cathartic.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I have struggled with this too. I feel better when I realize what good it says about me. I have allowed something to come to the surface that I get to work on, heal from and move on. If it did not come to the surface it would be fermenting to cause more problems later on.
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