Spin off - apologies

Old 09-08-2011, 04:26 PM
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Spin off - apologies

AVRT's thread got me thinking about apologies. I figured i should start a new thread rather than de-rail his.

My AH doesn't apologize for anything, ever. Even more, he gets irritated at me for apologizing for things. He gets irritated at me for saying "I'm sorry" even when I'm not actually apologizing. For example if I say "I'm sorry" after he's just told me about how crappy his day was at work he'll sometimes snap, "Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything." Um...I wasn't apologizing. I was empathizing.

Anyone else?

To be fair...I can over-apologise sometimes.
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:20 PM
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I apologized for enabling him after listening to 5 minutes of him screamingly demanding me to admit to my part in our relationship difficulties. That was not the correct answer, I guess. It's hard to live with an alcoholic. Their moods are so unpredictable. I hated coming home to see him glowering about something unknown. I would know it didn't have anything to do with me, but I didn't want the **** landing on me either, ya know? It's that whole walking on eggshells thing. I would apologize for stupid stuff, too, but it was more placating than empathizing, I realize.
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Old 09-09-2011, 01:30 AM
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My partner is snappy like this, 'would you like a cup of tea?' 'YOU KNOW I DON'T DRINK TEA THIS TIME OF DAY' I can't remember the last time she said 'no thank you' So the alcohol abuse spilled over into verbal abuse even when she isn't drinking. Frankly I think she has taken me for granted.
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:52 AM
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TOTALLY! he talks as badly about himself as he does about me sometimes. it's like living with two different people. sometimes he whines about what a loser he is. or then it's about the job. or about how i eat too much. or then he flips around and says how wonderful i am and how i deserve better than him. if i ever say sorry for anything, then he says to stop saying sorry - that he is the one who should be sorry. but then other times he demands an apology when one is not appropriate. i never know who i'm getting in the span of 20 minutes - the man i love or the one i hate.
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:21 AM
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The thing I have learned through Al-anon is that when there is addiction in a relationship - personal sense of responsibility gets all ****-whacky. The addict seems to shift towards limited or no sense of responsibility. My AH rarely takes responsibility for things he says/does that are hurtful, disrespectful, etc. He can't be relied on for even the most basic of chores... because his primary motive is drinking. Why? Because he's an alcoholic.

The interesting thing that happens on the other side of relationship is an over-exagerated sense of responsibility. Because nothing was getting done, I had to pick up the slack. I took over everything, and ran myself right into the ground doing my chores and AHs. I became emotionally hyper-sensitive and felt like it was my job to make everything perfect and everyone happy... and if for some reason those things didn't happen, I felt immense guilt/pain. So I ended up apologizing... a lot. And it began to mean NOTHING to them, and me. I said it and it didn't make them or me feel any better about the situation... probably because I shouldn't have said it... because it wasn't my problem to begin with!!

As I detach and put problems back on their rightful owner, I have noticed a tremendous effort on my AH's part to throw them back at me. A lot of blame-shifting happening because the guilt he feels - is more than he wants. Tough ****, I say. I carried that crap around for too many years, and I'm done.

Detachment is so critical when dealing with the unacceptable A behavior. I have to remind myself constantly that it's not about me, don't respond, walk away if I have to, etc. I HAVE to leave him alone so that I no longer actively participate in his disease. It's hard. I still have work to do... but I'm definetely getting better/stronger one day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:53 AM
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In the last year of our relationship I found myself apologizing for everything. I look back and feel he quite effectively manipulated me into this stance. He would be out all night drinking, come home mean as a snake, blow every penny he had in video poker, and I would apologize for fighting with him. At this moment I cannot understand how I fell into that trap....but I did
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:09 AM
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One of the side effects of my relationship with XABF, and my childhood growing up, is that I apologize too much.

In fact, I even got a lecture from my therapist about this, about how I apologize to him way too much, so he suspects I do it to everyone, and that he suggests I work really hard at stopping this. (Easier said than done.) His conclusion is that I am actually over-responsible. (Is anyone surprised by this? Ha!)

Likewise, though, when people apologize to me, about anything, it doesn't mean anything to me, because those words have been all used up already.


I am a work in progress.
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:17 AM
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Active alcoholics tend to apologize like politicians and celebrities: "I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt (implicit: But you were wrong and you're too damn sensitive and I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just saying 'sorry' because that makes me feel better and will allow me to continue doing whatevertheeffIwant to)...
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:22 AM
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I posted this in the other 'apology' section, but it's probably most appropriate here. I did start a new day, like GettingBy suggested. I went outside to rip up chain link fence. A project he said he would do to help contribute to our partnership/relationship since he doesn't have a job. Well, he didn't do it...surprise!! I found that getting physical helps get pass the confusing and angry feelings I have towards him. So, while I'm pulling up fence, I remember he was supposed to do it for US, got angry and sad, then moved by it. When I got inside the house, I did feel better. Until he called and asked me to bring the rest of his clothes and things I packed in boxes to my workplace. He didn't want to drive to my house and get them because "I'm a wreck" and "your work is closer than the house." WTF?! Those are HIS things, and MY workplace. I resisted the urge to inform him of his responsibilities because it would've just started a fight and delayed his coming to get his stuff outta my house. Instead, I placed the responsibility square on his shoulders by calmly reminding him of my boundaries. Work is work and I don't want to bring my personal life to work where I'm exposed and have to fend off questions about our problems. He agreed. Said he'd figure it out. Doubt if he shows.
I need a bigger reset button.
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by halvsie View Post
I need a bigger reset button.
HA!! Don't we all!!!

I think you did a great job staying detached and letting him have full responsibility for taking care of his stuff!! Nice work!

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Old 09-09-2011, 10:46 AM
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And it WORKED!! He's on his way right now to pick up his stuff!
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:56 AM
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Ta-da!!!! IT works if you work it... so work it, you're worth it!!!

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Old 09-09-2011, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by halvsie View Post
And it WORKED!! He's on his way right now to pick up his stuff!
Yay!
I remember when XABF's stuff was no longer in the apartment, it was like a brand new day, a brand new life.
Certainly, there were a lot of other things to work through and deal with, but the "How to get his stuff to him" question that had been hanging over my head and weighing me down was gone.
I wish you a new day, with less worries, and more smiles and HUGS!
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:03 PM
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He got most of his stuff. His junk is still in the basement. So, there will be additional bs in the next couple of weeks. I was successful at staying detached while he was here but I know I looked sad because I saw that stupid smirk on his face. But, after he left, I fell apart because I was holding everything in. Luckily, one of my al anon friends happened to call while I was feeling so emotional.....are we supposed to stay detached even when the alcoholic has left? Or is it ok to become a lunatic after the door is shut and they can't hear or see anything? LOL
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Old 09-09-2011, 05:21 PM
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He's not hearing it as empathy, he's hearing it as pity and that pisses him off. It doesn't matter what you mean, it matters how it's heard.

Also, one great thing about recovery is getting over the need for explanations and apologies. This is important in relationships with alcoholics, and if you still have that need I'd suggest beginning your own program of recovery if you haven't already. If you have begun a program or recovery, consider working with your sponsor regarding this need of yours.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

P.s. I used to need explanations, apologies, and closure. One of the biggest gifts Alanon has given me is that it has completely freed me from these needs (which I consider to be very, very self-destructive). Thank God!
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Old 09-10-2011, 01:03 AM
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thanks for that Cyranoak, made me realise my own issue-I'm expecting my partner at any minute to say what a fool she has been and how sorry she is for all the pain she caused the family. But perhaps that's because I think that's what I would need to say if I had been abusing alcohol.
Some days I find it hard to stay cool and detached, but I can see that that is what's necessary.
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Old 09-10-2011, 01:46 PM
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"He's not hearing it as empathy, he's hearing it as pity and that pisses him off. It doesn't matter what you mean, it matters how it's heard."

Ooohh...that so hit home. I bet that's true. I'm sure that pity would **** him off like nobody's business. That also may explain why he gets irritated when I "help" with something. He may see the help as my thinking he can't do it.

"I used to need explanations, apologies, and closure. One of the biggest gifts Alanon has given me is that it has completely freed me from these needs (which I consider to be very, very self-destructive). Thank God! "

This is probably one of the biggest things I need to work on. As you can see in my above post I really, really like to have explanations.
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Old 09-10-2011, 08:22 PM
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HA! I understand the "how he hears it" as pity. So, I'd keep my lip zipped. But these crazy ass questions.....that are so hard to answer....it's like he's asking "what is 1 plus 1? True or false?" There's nothing, no answer, that is correct. And I KNOW he's setting me up for failure so he can use it to pick a fight and use that as a reason to drink. The 'how he hears it' gets turned around on me to "It's how you say it!" No matter how I say it....nicely, politely, angrily, robot like, prettily, begging, with sugar on top....none of it matters when he wants to drink.
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