Thlayli

My AH has been out of town since last Wednesday (over a week). I had a fantastic weekend with friends and have had a nice quiet time at home. I've been so proud of myself because, even though I know he's drinking/using I haven't been obsessing about it and haven't called him at all.

I'm taking Bert (his son, my stepson) up tomorrow so that he can see his grandparents. We're staying the night and then driving back home the next day. I'm already feeling so anxious about seeing him. I know it's because I don't know what's coming.

Last we talked (fought) he was planning on completely blocking Bert out of his life and possibly leaving me. I guess I'm anxious because I (obviously) don't know what he's thinking. He's spent the last week with his folks. I'm really hoping the break has done him good and given him some time to think. Realistically I know that he's also been smoking pot up there more than he would have been able to here - because he can't sneak it around me.

I guess I'm just feeling anxiety because I still don't know what's going to happen...which is normal and I need to just feel it. Not sure why I'm posting exactly but thanks for listening.

dollydo

It's not about what he wants, what do you want? You've had over a week to consider your options, what have you come up with?

Thlayli

Well...I'm going to go out with friends when they ask and not worry about whether or not he decides to do the same (the only friends he really has are those he used to run with while drinking). I'm not ready to move any more quickly than that. I will continue to go to Al-anon but won't hide it from him now. I spoke with my bonus boy's birth mom - she says I can continue to see him regardless of what happens between AH and me. I already moved all my money into my own bank account and changed the password to one he doesn't know.

I guess I'm feeling anxious because I'm not ready to say "it's over" and I'm unsure what his feelings are about that. This is his first relapse since we've been together.

I'm okay financially (he's not, but I am), the house is mine and I have a great support system with both friends and family (his family and mine). I know I'll be okay, and maybe better than okay. I don't like this uncertainty but I'm also not ready to tell him "I don't like this uncertainty so make up your mind or you're out." Does that make sense?

marie1960

The options are YOURS, not his. Do you want to continue in this relationship???? Sounds to me like you have your act together. Ultimatums are not an option for/ with an alcoholic.

The horrible thing about this disease is we do not get to choose what the Alcoholic does.
All my best to you..........

Thlayli

I do want to continue the relationship...for now. I think the clincher for me may even be whether or not he chooses to kick his son out of his life. I don't know that I can stay with someone who could really do that.

marie1960

Sorry do not mean to sound cruel, but I don't have alot of tolerence for men who make babies and can't man up to be a dad.

You are very wise to be reevaluating your relationship with him. If he can abandon his kid, he won't hesitate to leave you too. Not my definition of a good guy.

Thlayli

I don't think you sound cruel at all. I agree. I just think (hope) it's the alcohol talking. It's as if he's possessed. Just a totally different person than he was 2 months ago