Mitsy

Been a while since I've been on the board. Had an alcoholic boyfriend off/on for 2 years, was in Al-Anon 2 years (a year or more in Al-Anon without being with the guy) and felt like Al-Anon helped me to regain myself back again. I've told my story about him many times on this board so I won't rehash that other than to say he's still drinking and I'm so glad I'm no longer dealing with him. I quit Al-Anon because I felt like the program had done what it should have for me and I realized that some of the people in the program needed a lot more than Al-Anon could offer - some severe mental disabilities among some of the members. Some of those women were stumbling blocks for me because I was being drug into their dramas (even outside of the meetings). Since that time, I've been doing OK for the most part. But, I have a situation (friendship actually) that is causing me to consider going back to Al-Anon. I have been friends with this woman for many, many years. We work together some of the time at our part-time retail job (we both have day jobs). She is dating a guy who is a recovered cocaine addict. He's been clean/sober for maybe 6-7 years and they've been dating for about 5. She's been married 5-6 times and wants this guy to marry her, but he jerks her around a lot and now another friend of hers is getting married in Jan. and I believe this has caused her to withdraw and to question a lot of things. My birthday was this week and normally she would make a point to take me to lunch or something but hasn't. Said happy birthday but that was it. She seems very self-absorbed and just isn't being a very good friend right now. She even called and apologized a couple weeks ago only to return to that same self-absorbed behavior later. I've tried talking to her and even mentioned talking to a counselor about things (she's unwilling to share w/me now) but I doubt that she goes.

I had coffee today with my former Al-Anon sponsor - I have stayed in touch w/him even in the last year that I haven't been in Al-Anon. I told him about the situation with my friend & how hurt I've been with her behavior and he could see this much more clearly than I could. He said that even though my friend's guy is clean/sober, he isn't working a program now (used to go to N.A. meetings). My friend is being co-dependent because she doesn't want to lose him and she's risking a lot of other relationships by behaving the way she has. I found myself too caught up and too hurt by this situation because we have been the best of buddies for several years now (known each other for about 17 years). My sponsor suggested I get back into Al-Anon because it helps you deal with life and relationships. Even though I'm not dealing with an alcoholic myself, I view addiction much differently now than I used to. And while I believe my friend is in a toxic relationship, I need to re-learn how to detach from toxic situations & toxic people and I now realize that even my friend has become toxic for me to deal with because she is NOT the same person she used to be. What do you think? Do I need to go back to my 12-step program?

GettingBy

As our wise counselor told me today.... "I can't "fix you". There is no solution/answer to make life all better. Life is life and it will continue to throw crap at you. My job is to help you heal and give you the tools you need to go handle the crap that's yet to come!"

I feel the same way about my Al-anon recovery. I started 6 years ago, then stopped... and ended up back in the rooms because... well, because life is life. I'm so grateful to be back in Al-anon because I hadn't realized how off-centered I'd gotten!!

Pelican

Alanon, maybe......

But have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie?

It helps me to re-read that book when I find myself being effected by other peoples choices.

Mitsy

It wasn't until I met with my sponsor that I even connected any of my friend's situation to me and Al-Anon. I was still trying to figure out how to help my friend (who obviously is blowing me off right now). I know her issues are NOT about me though and that is where Al-Anon comes in for me. Like you said, we cannot "fix" other people but that has been a problem for me for a long time now. How easily we forget. Learning to detach from this woman/friend is going to be difficult for me, but I know it's imperative that I do that. My main worry is having to work with her in between time. Never know how she's going to act. If I get back into my meetings, I can hopefully be stronger but I let other people's emotions rule my own and that is why I need to go back. Some of the former members who caused some issues for the group are no longer attending or going to other meetings so I'm hoping this new group of people will be good for me.

Mitsy

Oh yes, I have that book. In fact, it's by my nightstand. Maybe I do need to re-read some chapters. What I'm dealing with is some extreme hurt here because she blew off my birthday but her behavior has been getting more unpredictable in the last month or so. She acted mad at everyone at work in July and called to apologize to me. I forgave her because I knew she wasn't mad at me. Then in a matter of a few weeks, she was back to acting aloof and self-absorbed. She called & apologized again and then I did talk to her face-to-face and she did mention taking me out to lunch for my b-day but then never did it. Our schedules are sometimes bad, but this boyfriend has taken priority over everyone else in her life. And I know how it is to have a guy and your girlfriends take a back seat, but geeze. She's going through all these hoops with this guy who does not want to commit to her and she's angry at the world because of that. And to think that she thinks marriage w/this guy will make her happy? Anyway, that's more info on this situation I can't make any better. I just need to take care of myself and let her worry about her wayward guy. She will likely lose more friends if her behavior continues but I just have to let go....

wellnowwhat

If I were you I think I would give it another go. If it's not going to be what you need, you'll know after a couple of meetings (with the right group for you). If it is what you need, you'll probably know that too! It's a few hours of your time, with coffee and treats!

Freedom1990

Alanon has improved my life in all areas, so I'm not going to mess with what works for me.

Cyranoak

Should you? I try not to should on people but I'll share a couple of things. The first is that I think you've answered your own question. The second is what could it possibly hurt to go to a few meetings? Overall it worked before, meetings change over time, and you seem to know enough about the program to avoid being dragged into the drama of others.

I'd encourage you to give it another go, with an open mind, and see what happens.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Mitsy

I'm glad I went back to the Al-Anon meeting as I always get something out of them. My work schedule is hectic though so that also contributed to why I quit attending before. Met a couple new people & 1 guy in the group is trying to start a debtor's anonymous group (there is nothing like that in our town at all). I know there are other people in town struggling with some of the same financial issues I've had and having been in Al-Anon, I might acclimate to something like that pretty well.

In some ways, it's tougher for me to admit I've been a lousy money manager than it was to admit that I had dated an alcoholic. I'm planning on attending this one next week. So far, it's just the guy and maybe no one else but it is in a church setting, so I'm sure it will be fine if it's just even the 2 of us. Will let you know what happens.

TMZ

Just asking should be an answer don't you think?

Mitsy

I'm not so serene today. I saw Rob (ex-boyfriend) at the store last night (where I moonlight). Apparently, he's going to start working there again (3rd shift). My only response to him was "interesting" and kept walking. He later called me and said that he would not take the job if it made me feel uncomfortable. I normally don't pick up the phone late at night but actually thought it might have been someone else calling (don't have caller ID). I told him to not NOT take the job because of me but that he walked off the job before & that I knew that not a lot had changed w/him. He probably had a few before he called me, but was not drunk sounding (who knows really). Anyway, he doesn't want me to hate him (don't hate him; just get disgusted with the enabling that continues). I have to convince myself that maybe eventually he'll suffer some more severe consequences for his drinking. He could be "not" drinking as much now, but he's still an alcoholic who still is not interested in AA meetings. I finally got off the phone w/him and am hoping he doesn't call again.

Things with my friend are not a lot better. She is still being very withdrawn from me. Has never made firm plans for my belated birthday lunch (which I'm guessing won't happen). Even though I know her issues really have nothing to do w/me, I am suffering because of it (I can pretend that it doesn't matter, but it does). I have been to 2 Al-Anon meetings, but right now, I'm not feeling so strong.

LifeRecovery

I would be struggling just after one of those pieces alone, never mind both together.

I am finding so many of my friendships are shifting now with some recovery. It is a good thing, but it can be overwhelming at times.

Mitsy

Interesting update, I got a message from my ex-boyfriend last night which said that he was not going to take a job at the store because they were only going to give him "part-time". They don't normally hire full-time people much anymore, so I'm thinking that it was talked over by management and they decided he was a bigger risk than they wanted to take. They knew he wanted full-time, so I'm not sure why they didn't just tell him to begin with that that was all they were hiring for now. At any rate, he's not going to be working there & that's all I care about.

As to my friend, I probably won't see her again until next week, but I'm seriously questioning if I can ever forgive her for her behavior (if she ever does start to think clearly). I'm to the point to where I simply don't trust too many people anymore. Don't trust many men and don't even trust some friendships anymore. I think I just need to remind myself that anyone who has been married as many times as this gal has does have some major issues in her life. I doubt that it was "always" the guy's fault. I'm kind of seeing her in a new light now. Desperate and needy for a man (to me) isn't attractive. I'd still rather be alone than with the wrong one again.

Didn't make it to the debtor's meeting. Had only 1 night off from work this week, so maybe next week.