islagirl

I've been married to my AH for 19 years, we have 2 children. At 5 years, I told him that it was recovery or he was out. I didn't want to bring kids into that situation. He went to AA and got his 90 day chip. Then asked permission to be a social drinker. I told him that the decision to drink or not wasn't mine, it was his. He started drinking again. A little, then a little more. Not sure when, but he reached his "maintenance" level of daily drinking (which seems to be about a six pack, but I quit counting a long time ago), we had two children, and I raised them by myself while he sat out on the porch drinking and smoking, and then later in the basement drinking and smoking. We've been to rounds of counseling twice over the years, but it always ends when the issue of his drinking comes up. I've continued on my own a few times to work through some of my own issues, unrelated to his drinking. He tells me that he is "fine" when he keeps himself busy, but when he has down time he drinks. He works hard, coaches the kids in soccer four nights a week, and wouldn't appear to be an alcoholic to anyone but me (and I'm sure the kids, eventually). But, I've essentially been alone in my marriage for 15 years. No emotional intimacy, no sense of giving to the family or me, very little companionship.

On the down side, I can't stand to talk to him when his eyes are unfocused and his speech is slurred and I refuse to engage him. He sleeps 10-12 hours a night, with apnea and snoring that ruin my sleep. Our sex life is non-existent, because I've been emotionally abandoned for so long and I have no interest in sleeping with someone who is drunk. He has chronic diarrhea - for years. He refuses to entertain requests from his daughters that he quit smoking. He seems emotionally arrested in his late teens - his grudges and glories are those I'd expect from a teenager, not a 43 year old man. He is a homebody, has rarely wanted to go out and do anything fun. And fundamentally, I don't trust him.

On the up side, I've filled my life with people and activities that interest me and make me happy, all without him. I manage our entire household by myself and I have always been the primary breadwinner. I have managed to find a few joint activities that we can have fun doing together.

Something broke in me after our last vacation, where he was stressed, silent and distant the entire time, and pretty much ruined my dreams of a fun family experience. When we came back I told him I didn't feel married, that he needed to get involved and something needed to change or one of us had to leave. I did not directly address the alcohol.

He is trying now. He makes an effort to do things with me, to help with housework, to stay upstairs with me instead of disappearing to the basement. Problem is, I find I no longer enjoy his company. I have been let down for too long, I don't know if it's recoverable. And in reality, I know that unless the alcohol is addressed as the root cause and he goes into recovery I won't get any long term change anyway. I don't know if I have the energy to even go there.

I feel like just letting go, but I can't stop second guessing myself. And I go back to the constant insecurity of wondering if the alcoholism is really that bad, since if I could just let go of the resentment I have it doesn't seem to cause any problems. It doesn't seem to be progressing...it's just chronic. But it makes me unhappy. I'm finally happy with every other aspect of my life, I don't want to be unhappy in my relationship anymore. Can I ever trust him to be there for me again? What if he does go into recovery and it's not enough? Am I the bad guy here? I'm so confused.

lillamy

I had that same thought about my AXH. He was drinking when we met -- heck, we both were -- but I somehow thought that going out for drinks after work was something that was part of the single life, thought it was sort of a "phase" people go through, and that it would end once we got married and had a family. It didn't, for him. He just went from going out for drinks to doing what your AH is doing -- drinking alone at home.

When AXH went into rehab, he was honest about a few things, including when he thought he became an alcoholic. It absolutely floored me to learn that he had been drinking daily since he was 17. (He's now in his 50s.) His counselor at rehab told me that alcoholics sort of "stall" emotionally when they become alcoholics. So that explained to me why he never really grew up. He's behaving like a 17-year-old emotionally because that's how old he is, emotionally.

I think I was at the point you were at for many years (I was married to him for 20). After starting going to Al-Anon, I learned to build my own life which was largely separate from his. I basically handled everything, and yes, I resented that he was a burden and a stressor instead of a partner. My life was manageable. I wasn't happy in my marriage, but the rest of my life was fine.

And then one day it started not being fine. As AXH's alcoholism progressed, he started getting more paranoid. More verbally and emotionally abusive. More manipulative. Started pitching fits when I did stuff with friends. (You know, really awful thing like go to book club or take kids skiing together with a girlfriend.) Started giving me the Spanish Inquisition treatment about what I really got out of this or that friendship. Started being a prize-a$$ before and after I did things with friends, to the point where it just wasn't worth the hassle to do anything with anyone anymore.

And then, eventually, he ratched up the harassment and abuse to threatening my life.

In retrospect, I'm sort of... happy would be the wrong word, but... it was a good thing that things went downhill. Because in that place of "well, he's going to work and he's only drinking alone at home," it was manageable and I, like you, had a hard time justifying leaving. Thinking about leaving felt selfish to me. If things had remained at status quo, I could have continued talking myself out of leaving.

But they didn't. And I'm not saying your life will progress along the same lines as mine, but the one thing I know about alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease; it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. As they say in AA -- alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell, and it's up to you what floor you decide to get off on.

The other thing that helped me was that I had one very good friend who had insight into what was going on in my life. So while I was sort of like the proverbial frog in the pot who got so used to the increased heat (abuse) that I didn't realize how sick it was, my friend did not. And it was my friend overhearing my then-AH yelling in the background during a phone call, and saying "What he's doing is called abuse. And you have no obligation to put up with that, from anyone" was what woke me up.

You have an absolute right to living your life free of addiction and the baggage it comes with. That, I believe with all my heart. Whether your husband is going to get sober and recover is up to him. And whether there's enough of a marriage to be salvaged if he does -- that's up to you. Either way, you have a right to choose how and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Always.

wellnowwhat

A lot of your story is my story too.

You are not the bad guy. You did not cause it, you cannot control it nor cure it.

My AH maintained for a long time too. When the kids went off to college it was like he gave himself permission to drink more, the pressure to "be a good dad" was lessened by their absence and he escalated to drinking into a stupor. I would worry if he would burn the house down making supper before I could get home. He finally ended up in the hospital for a couple of weeks, detoxed, refused any programs offered, and relapsed almost immediately.

That was when I climbed the stairs to Alanon. It is for me. It helps me so much to have face to face support and to know I can live relatively happily whether he drinks or not, whether you stay together or not.

It is suggested that you try at least 6 meetings and a couple of different groups before deciding whether or not it is for you. I could have easily stopped after the first, second or third meeting until I realized I wanted the calmness and yes, joy, that some of the members had already attained.

This Site is excellent too. Get comfy and read and read and post.

Wishing you and your family well.

winnie1202

Isla, you could be me with the exception that I have been married for 23 years. 2 kids. My husband is in rehab now though. Over the last year his drinking has gotten very bad that he had no more choices. He still has his job but they wouldn't let him come back until he finishes the program. Like you, sex has been gone for awhile due to his drinking and my total lack of connection with him, again because of the drinking. I am bitter and I am not sure if our marriage can be recovered. When I spoke with his counselor at the rehab he was not forthcoming about alot of things and she was surprised when I mentioned certain things. If he can't be truthful there...

SoaringSpirits

I can SO relate to your story. I have been married 16 years and have four kids. I have felt like a single parent for a long time. My husband's "basement" was a tool shed on our farm where he retreated after work and on weekends to drink, smoke (he started smoking cigarettes at the age of 44, just as his alcoholism really took hold), and read novel after novel or talk on the phone to his family. I rarely saw him "drunk." He just pulled away from me and the kids. It was more of a chronic, maintenance thing. He was careful not to let on how often/how much he drank. He never yelled at me, beat me, threatened me or said vicious things. But he withdrew. He did not touch me or compliment me or tell me he loved me. He did not squander our money. He maintains an outward appearance of success. He is very outgoing, everybody loves my AH. I am always being told what a great guy he is! We look like the perfect family -- a beautiful farm, four super kids, at-home mom, nice cars, lucrative business, money in the bank. Very few people know he is an alcoholic or have even suspected a problem (my parents and his best friend and me, that's it).

I've gone back and forth over the years, "Is it me, am I overreacting, does everybody drink steadily like this every night?" I knew better! I pleaded with him to stop or cut down, I read marriage books, I put on makeup before he came home and tried very hard to do what I could on my end. He also made some changes, was more helpful. We went to counseling for months on end, but nothing seemed to help. The alcohol was the elephant in the room, and the other issues could not change unless that was addressed first.

I finally got online and googled "Is my husband an alcoholic?" and started reading. Then I had my answer.

More counseling, more pleading, more begging, more tears. He withdrew even more. He treated me like I was disgusting. He found fault in everything I did. I felt very depressed, squashed down into myself, and had trouble smiling or feeling happy. I began to accept this as the norm. Meantime, I noticed the drinking ratcheting up quietly into vodka stashes. Still, I rarely saw him looking really intoxicated.

I thought I'd try to stick it out another 5 years, "for the kids." I told my mom this. She looked at me and said "Why would you waste another 5 years of your life? For what? This is KILLING you." And my kids were unconsciously learning about life by watching their parents' dysfunction unfold.

Last Easter Sunday, I hit bottom. I knew it was coming, but when it came it happened fast. He drank all day. I was alone with my kids all day, on Easter. I had HAD it. I could not take ONE MORE DAY. I gave him an ultimatum, booze or your family. He chose booze. He doesn't think he has a problem.

A week later, I made him leave. I have gone through such heartache, our kids too, but you know what? I am finding this happiness inside of me. I had lost it for so long. I am now living for myself and our kids. We have peace in the house. No walking on eggshells. No wondering what Dad will be like when he gets home. No more suffering the agony of being ignored, knowing he's hiding in the tool shed instead of spending time with his kids. I have started to smile again, to feel HAPPY. There is a lot of pain and uncertainty, for sure, but I will NEVER AGAIN allow myself to live like that, in an empty "marriage" where I feel like the walking dead. Never.

Working the principles of Al-Anon has been very helpful. Learning everything I can about alcoholism has been empowering. Reading here on SR has been a lifesaver! I learned I am not alone, that my story is not that unique! My husband has chosen his own path. He may also choose the path of sobriety. I have to choose what is best for me, no matter what he does. I can no longer take his actions personally, they are not about me.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years if you stay with him? That is a good place to start. When I realized that in 5 years I could be irreparably damaged, I took action. I am glad I did. Hang in there. Life is too short to waste it in a loveless marriage.

islagirl

It's reassuring that I'm not alone in my experience! It's so unnerving to deal with someone who wouldn't be identified as an alcoholic to others...makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not the only one!

The five year view is a good idea. It was the ten year view that scared me enough to take action - what happens when my kids are gone? And he has nothing to busy himself with? And we have nothing in common and share no common ground? Wellnowwhat, your experience is what I saw in my future. And I don't want that. Nor do I want the ten years that lead up to that. We will all be healthier out from under that specter.

I asked him to move out this past Monday, and he's been very nice and accommodating since then, doing his best to both "improve" and ignore my request. Last night he got drunk and mean and told me he has no intention of moving out and I'd better come up with another deal. I'm not sure what to do. I didn't want to go straight to divorce, I wanted a separation so we could work on things with our own space to retreat to. But if he won't be reasonable and I want change, I don't know what I can do but file for divorce under the "fault" reason of habitual drunkenness. That's the only way I can get a court order to get him out. It seems so drastic. But his denial is comprehensive - he thinks he's calling my bluff I think. Except I am not bluffing. On one hand, I can't believe this is happening. On the other, I don't know why I expected an alcoholic to be reasonable.

Thanks for all your input! It's so comforting to not be alone!

wanttobehealthy

This is the precise situation I find myself in. Okay, almost precise. He HAD moved out, showed up again yesterday and is refusing to leave. I told him either he leaves willingly or I get a court order. He thinks this is a game and thinks I won't do it. I will. Like you I thought he would be "reasonable" and I'm seeing clearly that that's not going to happen.

caughthiminject

omg you described my AXBF almost exactly even though we've only been two years. the 6 pack (or 12) each night, the hiding in the basement or garage. staring into space smoking.

ldygenieve

It's funny how both of your stories seem to hit home. I am going through this exact thing: He is refusing to leave and says it wouldn't help him in his recovery. He throws blame at me for having male friends and that's why he hides his vodka. He blames me for having a glass of wine, when he can't and doesn't want to be a 'monk' the rest of his life.

He refuses to leave and tells me I'm the one who's wrong. He's even convinced his mother that when I told her he's up to his old alcoholic tricks again, I was wrong in telling her.

So I'm the bad guy. The one who's had it. I've had it now for 15 years we've been together, I've had it now since we've been married (11 years). I've had it now that we have two small children.

I must be in the wrong..... blah, blah, blah.

I'm sure you guys know, a functioning AH seems to be perfect to other, meanwhile making my life a living hell.

Zencat

After reading the walls of text...I see my ADGF in every sentence. Its like a spell cast over my better judgment to allow my loved one jerk me so over that my world is bouncing is to her beat.

I am a person of restraint, or so I thought. She and her son is a money pit. My years of savings are going down, down...bad down.

I do have a recourse. I am in possession or enough co lateral to come way ahead for me, but sink my coda, Basically bankrupting her. It is in process now. Damm it stinks to get here.

After all and all ,with a few years of reading the FF forum. The course of action is to be swift and stick with the plan no matter what. It sucks but it has to be done...'no matter what' I have have to be safe.

vujade

My personal experience is that you will just know when it is enough. I lived in a bounce house of a world for 14 years (also 2 kids). Some days were up, some were down. As I started to realize and accept that the man had never matured past the age of 13, the inflatable world began to lose a little more air every day. We progressed from drinking way too much with "the guys", to drinking while he worked (self-employed), to using Rx drugs and staying out all night. The whole thing finally culminated in an affair with the office manager for a building he was contracted to paint. With each step, I kept asking myself if it was REALLY as bad as it seemed. Looking back, I can hardly believe that I ever allowed myself to wonder that.

Then at some point, it finally struck me that I could either choose to stand there in a pile of deflated vinyl tarp or walk away. It was rough, I won't lie. It still is incredibly annoying having to deal with him...but at least I am free of the day-to-day pain and frustration.

Anyway - you'll know when you are ready to free yourself of the "what-ifs" and "maybes" and hopes that someday it might be different.