sprizzy

hello, first time poster.

my wife thinks that i needs to stop drinking completely. i think that i can drink socially, though i have often drank more than i should. i go to work everyday, to the same job for 18 yrs, i don't call in sick to work, i exercise 4-5 times a week, run races, walk our dog daily, see and help my parents weekly, etc.

but, i do drink, almost daily. most of the time just a few beers, but sometimes more. and on weekends, i drink most of the day unless i have something that i have to do.

i have had bad experiences with alcohol, but doesn't most everybody at some point in time?

my wife's father was an alcoholic. she sees her father in me, and i know she has serious issues with booze, but when we met we both were drinking at a party. she knew that i drank in the two years that we dated before we married. she thought she could change me.

is my situation doomed? all of my friends drink, when we fish, play golf, camp, etc.

i think that the biggest problem with the thought of completely stopping drinking is that i simply wouldn't know how to spend my time.

thoughts? questions?

Bikeguy

Your story sounds exactly like mine, booze eventually took more of a hold of me more than it should. Try stopping for a month see how it goes? I quit 7 months ago, best thing I've ever done for myself.

sprizzy

thanks for the reply.

i'm going to try to stop for "a while" and see how that goes. at this point, for her, not exactly for me, but maybe that will change.

just the thought of never having another beer kills me. i think about a concert next week, or a trout fishing trip, or the next round of golf. will it be the same?

she wants me to seek professional help. i don't want to. i told her that i would join an online community, and speak with a good friend of mine who is a substance abuse counselor.

i do enjoy reading others experiences, and have to say that many sound familiar. its just that "alcoholic" sounds so permanent.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Honestly, you need to stop drinking for yourself, not for your wife.

And you need to be really motivated to recover, and it doesn't sound to me as if you are in that place yet. I say 'yet' because alcoholism is progressive, and it will get worse unless you stop.

I hope that you will take a look around here and be inspired.

Amylynn

I'm a runner as well-training for my first marathon! I've given up my daily beers for less than a week and i'm already feeling better during my runs

sprizzy

thanks for the words. i have stopped for over 6 months before, and i lost about 15lbs. it did help with the running, and improved my endurance, but i did miss a cold one at the end of the race.

as far as wanting to do this for myself, that is what i am really struggling with. i know that life could be better without feeling guilty, ashamed, hungover. but, getting to that point is tough, and i don't know if i can do it without wanting it for myself.

my wife has given me an ultimatum, and i dearly want our marriage to succeed, but i find it troubling that she has such an upper hand in molding me into exactly who she wants me to be.

thanks for listening.

artsoul

Hi sprizzy and welcome to the forum!

It's good that you're willing to take a look at your drinking. Setting a goal, whether it's stopping for a while or limiting yourself to 2 drinks/day, should be helpful in deciding whether you have a problem.

I think this is a good article (from Psychology Today) that might be helpful
Social Drinkers, Problem Drinkers and High-Functioning Alcoholics | Psychology Today

We're always here for support!

Amylynn

I'm a runner as well-training for my first marathon! I've given up my daily beers for less than a week and i'm already feeling better during my runs

Hevyn

Hi sprizzy - glad you came here, even if begrudgingly. So did I - 4 yrs. ago, & never left.

When I was much younger I drank like you are now. As Anna mentioned, alcoholism is progressive. Over time you run the risk of crossing over from social to alcoholic drinking. It happened to me, and I almost lost my life clinging to the belief that I could control it.

You're right - you must be committed to doing this for yourself. Being given an ultimatum by anyone usually fails to give us lasting sobriety. I quit once so I wouldn't annoy/embarass my son - and it lasted until he had left home. I slipped right back into it because I'd quit for all the wrong reasons.

Only you know what alcohol is doing to you - and I'm glad you're questioning your drinking habits. I hope you'll continue to read & post here - and let us know how you're doing.

Peter G

Alcoholism is progressive. If you are an alcoholic, then yes, the condition is permanent. Untreated, eventually the damage done to life and health becomes very permanent. There will come a point when "Mr. Party Guy", and "Drink For $h!t's and Giggles Guy" goes away forever, it's inevitable. At that point in this illness you're left with nothing but a hunger beyond belief, an all encompassing requirement, drinking, at the expense of anything that might get in the way. And anything can mean literally that - kids, wives, finances, dreams, hopes, et all. If it's in the way of your newfound joyless, insatiable hunger you will step over anything at all, or kick it to death to get it out of the bottle's way. And by that point the drinking you do is not for any sort of pleasure, it's continually necessary for you to stop your skin from crawling, your blood from boiling, and you brain from exploding. At that point the experience of drinking goes as follows; you buy a bottle... 40 minutes later you're $h!tfaced... 90 to 120 minutes later you're in a blackout or passed out. That is how alcoholism progresses if allowed and untreated.

I'm not saying you're of that caliber or even that you're alcoholic, but if your wife is worried, and she's someone that has seen alcoholic behavior first hand and recognizes the same patterns in you? Amigo, take that as red flag #1. You also asked "i have had bad experiences with alcohol, but doesn't most everybody at some point in time?" To answer your question, no. Normal drinkers rarely face negative consequences from drinking, and if such consequences present themselves it's mostly out of pure coincidence. Also, the question in and of itself is red flag #2. Just sayin'.

Get an assessment from an addiction counselor. Share your drinking "problems" with an old timer from AA. Ask, get informed, read the threads here. When you're up to your ears in research, sit with yourself and be brutally honest enough to look at your drinking habits objectively. I'd also suggest reading the BB, it's free online, (link) and while doing so just ask yourself if you can relate to those stories, and/or if you feel like the authors are speaking directly to you.

Bottom line is; I'm posting to warn you what moving beyond "heavy drinker" to what some of us here have become really means. And make no mistake about it, the drinking habits you've outlined constitute heavy drinking. Personally I've forfeited everything in my life, just short of my own death, for no other reason than to keep drinking. By saying that I could perhaps paint a picture for you that I am some bum or poor thing that's had 25 years to accumulate such regret, yes? Mate, 6 years ago I had a song on the billboard contemporary charts, I was important in my industry, respectable, and what you would consider wealthy. I had a son then as well, and a great many people who honestly loved me. Bottom line is this; I never asked for what happened to me, yet it happened so fast it felt like a bad dream. One thing that resonates between my story and the one your telling? I sure as hell didn't listen when those who cared told me flat out I was starting to get out of control, that I was starting to act like an alcoholic. I disagreed with them the entire way down.

Do take this next statement directly to the bank and deposit it ... the most hard core, bottomed out, hopeless alkie on this planet was once exactly where you are right now.

I don't mean to sound like Dr. frikin Doom here, so please don't take it that way. But there are certain things you've included in your OP that tell me you may just want to take your wife a tad more seriously and look long and hard at your drinking. In fact, why not take 6 months off from drinking and see how it goes. If you're fine? Cool. No worries. If you start feeling like you might just beat someone to death within a few weeks or a month, guess what... you may just have a problem.

Whatever your current struggle with alcohol is, take care of it. Good luck amigo.

sprizzy

artsoul, thank you for the article. i did read it. maybe im highly functional?

binder, wow. i appreciate the thoughtful and frank response you typed out. i know that i've made more than enough excuses for my behavior over the years. i'm 40, btw. started when i was 15. never had a real problem through college. dated a girl for 10 yrs, but never married her. i didn't marry her bc of our growing cocaine habit. it really scared me, enough that i knew that i needed to get out.
unfortunately, i don't feel the same with alcohol. maybe my wife feels the same way now that i did then, but she's hanging in there so far.

we don't have kids, have tried for years, lots of stress, heartache, money, etc. i know that it weighs heavily on both of our hearts, and secretly fuels some of my drinking. to help me forget the fact that we, two perfectly healthy, loving, can't have the one thing in life we so dearly desire. see, another excuse.

enter alcohol. it helps me to forget problems, shortcomings in my life, but i guess i'm leaving my wife out there by herself. guess i need to rethink this thing...

Hevyn

sprizzy - I'm sorry you've had that heartache. Wise of you to see that it may be a contributing factor to your drinking. I found that my drinking intensified with every bad thing that happened to me, but it wasn't helping anything - just masking my emotions.

This is a good place to talk these things out - very glad you came here.

Peter G

Name is actually Peter . Everyone 'round these parts has been calling me binder for so long I'm starting to think it's a nickname lol!

At any rate, if you look from your quoted text at the red part? Another red flag that tells me your wife is on to something. In fact I found that to be one of the most insidious parts of alcoholism, and the single biggest way alcohol dragged me to hell. We drink to forget, to reminisce, to numb out shortcomings or stress. We drink to cure boredom, stop insomnia, help with a bum knee that keeps flaring up after a good run... e.t.c... Bloody illness sneaks up on us. It's providing temporary relief from problems while quietly building up to a much more serious crisis. The day eventually does come though when all of those issues we were trying to forget become inconsequential. They are dwarfed, once the progression reaches some mysterious point, by the only problem concerning us at that stage of the disease - which is how to get and stay thoroughly drunk all the time.

One reason I found your thread so interesting is that it touched a nerve - specifically the passage about your wife trying to let you know that you've issues with drinking. Bro, as I sit here today with 13 months sober, 1 quick yet costly relapse, and now coming on 4 months sober again, I wish so badly that I had just listened to to my wife 6 years ago when she said exactly what your wife is telling you now. When I first sobered up I remember wishing so badly I had heeded those warnings that I could have blown a blood vessel in my head. BTW my wife is still with me now, but believe me when I say it's a much more complicated relationship now, not looking good future-wise, and that's pretty much all thanks to the wreckage of my alcoholism.

Reading through the thread a bit more critically now I can see you have more of a handle on this thing than you may have originally let on. And that's frikin' awesome. Oh btw, I'm 44 now so we're not too far apart in age. Incidentally, I read somewhere how many alcoholics who have successfully stayed sober did so in their 40's. Can't be sure, but I do remember reading that there had been research done that showed a higher success rate in our age group than in younger age groups. Whether that's accurate or not I have no clue. But regardless, right or wrong maybe that's a sign for you to keep taking this thing seriously.

In the end it's exactly as Hevyn said... it's on you to quit for the right reasons, and only you know what the right reasons are. Ultimatums are all but useless to deter a booze hound. Having said that, knowing someone you love is putting it in front of you can cause the question inside your head to linger. Some of us pick up on the clues, some don't, but it's a very good thing you're doing right now, posting about the problem and gathering opinions.

Do yourself a favor and read the BB. Link is in my last post. You can also go here to download some speaker tapes, which include some of the most heart wrenching and yet inspiring stories of the alcoholic life. I remember when I first heard of these tapes (thanks to someone giving me a link when I joined). I kept thinking "if I'd only heard this stuff long ago!!"

Again, good luck.

sugarbear1

No, not everybody has problems with alcohol.

Just to answer your question.


Welcome! Have you told your doctor all this? I woud start with a doctor's evaluation.

Stang

Well I can see where ya don't want to be told what to do. I can relate to that.
Hre's the thing

Yet
Yea I lifted weights, practiced jujitsu, and worked 12 hour shifts. When I was 43 it snuck up on me and beat the **** outta me.
I've been locked up 3 times, had my skull split open with a beer bottle, was in two near fatal wrecks, almost lost my job, nearly died in withdrawal ...ect My mind will still tell me "you aint that bad ....now that guy over there ....HE is an alcoholic".

sprizzy

yeah, i guess i haven't been as honest as i could with my history. probably bc i am in such denial that something that seems so innocent as putting a liquid into my mouth has caused so many problems for so many people.

my drinking has progressed over the years. i know it, and my wife knows it, to a certain extent, but not many others, as i try to keep it to myself. haven't really talked with my doctor about it. think i may need another doctor. he's the one who prescribed xanax to me for 9 years, as well as every sleeping pill on the market. i was able to kick that by myself about 2 mos ago. simply horrible, but that's a different story.

we celebrated our 6 yr anniversary in NYC last month, and as a present to her, i told her i would quit drinking for a year, this of course, being after 3 or 4 nights of boozing it up. that lasted about 4 days. i had a birthday party to go to. today will be day one. i can't think about a week from now, hell, i'm still at work, i can't even think about an hour from now.

thanks for listening.

Boleo

Are we talking 1 or 2 bad experiences a year? If so, not bad.
Are we talking 1 or 2 bad experiences a month? If so, not good.
Are we talking 1 or 2 rides in vehicles with flashing lights? If so, 1 is too many.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you are a little bit bad now, you will be a little bit more bad next year.

sprizzy

maybe one bad experience a month, according to me...
more if you'd ask my wife.
knock on wood, haven't seen blue lights for over 10 yrs, but also saw jail near the mexico border. don't want to see anymore of either.
i know it's not going to get better. i think i could handle it a bit more if i could just announce to all of my drinking buddies that i'm retiring without catching so much crap from them.
thanks.

Peter G

Again, no offense but f**k your drinking buddies. You pass a point and believe me, they won't be buddies anymore. They'll be the cats at the bar secretly laughing there a$$ off as you stagger around looking for somewhere to be sick. They'll be the cats dissing you behind your back for how out of control you get when you're drunk - if they're not already doing that.

And they'll be at the bar when your wife is taking you to the ER because you've had a stroke or a heart attack or a seizure from a badly timed or accidental withdrawal.

Seriously, they are inconsequential. This thing is bigger than buddies, bigger than camaraderie. Hell it's bigger than an awful lot, being honest. May even be the biggest thing in your life. Plainly, you're looking over the edge right now amigo. Think about it. How much balance will you have staring at that long drop with the 10 shots and beers your mates want you to drink?

LaFemme

Hi sprizzy and welcome!

I found a book by Allan Carr called "the Easy way to quit drinking" to be a really interesting starting place for me in changing the way I view alcohol...I really think it would help you.

I used to think that I couldn't imagine a life without the occasional glass of wine at a nice meal or a beer after a day on the water...now I can't imagine eve wanting those.

Also, put me in the small camp of people who think you can stop before you get to an ugly place...sounds like you would be one