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My ism is enormous.

Old 09-07-2011, 11:53 PM
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My ism is enormous.

My ism is enormous

I am at the cross roads again. I went several months without a drink. I was not tempted to drink. I found life very difficult. I find being me almost impossible.

I went thru a depressive relapse about 2 months ago. I have dysthymic disorder too which leaves recovery from major depression very difficult.

I was at a place of no peace whatsoever this weekend and really wanted to get out of my head for at least a few hours. I did that. I did it 3 days on the trot. I went looking for booze yesterday morning and managed to pull myself out of the free fall.

The drinking this time was spiteful. There was nowhere for my ego to hide as I have full knowledge of why I drink. It is not for fun but to obliterate consciousness.

I went to a meeting at 6pm yesterday. I am going to one again at 1pm today. My sponsor knows how hard I am struggling. Last night I lay in bed, sick and anxious. My heart pounded at my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wanted to have one.

The reality is that I want to die sober. Being in that mental place in bed would be a grim end. But the thought of me, my isms and life over the next phase of my sobriety scares me to the very core of my being.

I feel trapped. I have to go on. I dont know how I am going to do it this time.

I struggled with step 3. I hand over and feel empty. I know that my will can only get me so far and this part of recovery is the most important step. I cant do steps 4 to 12 without feeling that there is a divine power helping me.

The one thing that I have learned this time is that I do not want to risk another binge. At least when I am depressed, or struggle with my isms or whatever else I feel when I am sober, it is a manageable thing. albiet barely.
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:15 AM
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Eddie, you've written that eloquently. It describes my own relapses towards the end of my battle with booze brilliantly, much better than I could. The feeling of drinking just to obliterate consciousness was the only intention I had for drinking during the last of my struggle, as well as during the relapse I had since. In fact, those last few years of my drinking "fun" was never the motivation, it was simply to have the time pass by me without me being aware of it, and also to stop my blood from boiling or the jackhammers from sounding off inside my brain. Life seems so bloody hopeless for us sometimes that one almost can't blame a person for wanting respite from what seems like an aimless and torturous life.

What I do now when I feel like that, and I do still have those moments, I trust the process. I trust that it is a temporary condition, and that at the very least, my drinking on top of it will only exacerbate anything already abysmal. And low and behold, eventually these feelings are overcome and I feel better on the other side.

I did notice you mentioned that the steps require "divine" power. Perhaps that's a point you have been over emphasizing? I'm no AA scholar by any stretch, but it seems you are doing what I did once, putting too much weight on a definition of what higher power means. When I finally gave up the fight I never considered my higher power as anything divine. In my bottom, when I cried out for help I wasn't screaming at a dude with a white beard at all, I was letting it out towards everything, at existence, at the universe itself.

I've since come to believe that a higher power is - looking inwardly - as a higher self, and - looking outwardly - some sort of universal energy that manifests on a level we can't comprehend, and really have no business trying to grasp.

I don't think the higher power question deserves as much controversy or struggle as it gets in this program. When I first gave it over to a higher power I simply came to understand that a) within me were no such tools or set of conditions to come to sobriety, and b) the world around me HAS higher power(s) that I certainly don't understand. Be it gravity, weather patterns, the actions of others, e.t.c... these are all powers greater than myself, things I cannot control nor truly comprehend beyond the obvious. So for me it's just a matter of trusting this unknown, in that if I throw good things at it (good things being the steps), the unknown will eventually throw good things back at me. This has proven to be very true, at least in my sober life.

From my own experiences I know when I venture into the unknown without intent or direction, my experience with the unknown is usually bad. Example: if I give the world around me an oblivious, drunk, and depressed/hateful person, there's a good chance the world will give back a supernaturally bleak existence. But if I go out into the world practicing the surrender and humility one finds in the 12 steps I am almost guaranteed to have something good fall within my path, and being that I'm receptive, aware, and sober, I can usually spot that good thing and not pass it by. So when I venture to the unknown and into that higher power with direction and the intent of humility and openness, the unknown always sends back positivity in some form or another. It does work, and being that it's a case of a higher power at work, I have no idea truly how to explain it correctly beyond "trust the process".

So I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I thought I'd offer it because I can very much relate to what you're going through. Keep trying Eddie, it honestly will get better.
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Old 09-08-2011, 02:07 AM
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I have no doubt that I will go thru the next 4 days and it will be harsh. This will pass, but unfortunately for me it is replaced by emptiness. My isms are the problem here, it is not the alcohol.

I used to be a very ambitious child and would stay awake all night before a football match worrying and stressing about my performance. This is not normal. I used to birdwatch and could name every species of bird that lived in the garden and beyond. I was an expert at it.

But it was a warped hobby. Looking back on it I envied their freedom. I have a mountain to climb. I am stuck.
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:32 AM
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I'm so sorry you're struggling
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:58 AM
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You are very much like Bill W. when he was a child. You're more like us alkies than you think.

I asked my sponsor when I would be at step 3. I was told that as soon as I was at step 3, I needed to work on step 4, but I had to commit to meeting for step 5. So we set a date for step 5, I was given directions for step 4 (1 day only- the day before our meeting) and we briefly discussed 3. No thought;a decision was made.

I am working on step 9 now.

Get sober & do some work. Things can change if you stop the excuses.

You can stay stopped!!
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:59 AM
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You are very much like Bill W. when he was a child. You're more like us alkies than you think.

I asked my sponsor when I would be at step 3. I was told that as soon as I was at step 3, I needed to work on step 4, but I had to commit to meeting for step 5. So we set a date for step 5, I was given directions for step 4 (1 day only- the day before our meeting) and we briefly discussed 3. No thought;a decision was made.

I am working on step 9 now.

Get sober & do some work. Things can change if you stop the excuses.

You can stay stopped!!
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Old 09-08-2011, 06:01 AM
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Sorry. Phone has a repair appointment tomorrow.
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Old 09-08-2011, 08:04 AM
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Thank you guys for looking in. just back from a meeting. Plenty of support and good will. Advice a plenty too, Bill W thats a compliment! I felt disgusted but there was nothing but understanding there. I hope I can be the understanding ear some time soon.
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Old 09-08-2011, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by eddie73 View Post
Thank you guys for looking in. just back from a meeting. Plenty of support and good will. Advice a plenty too, Bill W thats a compliment! I felt disgusted but there was nothing but understanding there. I hope I can be the understanding ear some time soon.
That's the power of the fellowship of AA. Good to hear Eddie. And therein is a higher power you can count on for real.

There is a lot of wisdom present in the fellowship bro, and it really does rub off.
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:01 PM
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Eddie, I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.

I know how miserable depression is, and I used to want to obliterate consciousness too, and in doing so, I almost lost my life.

I had to connect spiritually in order to be able to recover too.

Above all, don't give up.
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by eddie73 View Post
... My isms are the problem here, it is not the alcohol.
So true in my experience. I suffered from the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse when I was drinking and 2 + 2 Horsemen of the Apocalypse when I stopped drinking. Suffering was my problem in both circumstances. People who do not have the ISM of alcohol-ISM will never understand that.

I had to find a whole new way of life that dealt with suffering before sobriety was worth having. That's why I had to use a spiritual solution. Every other method I tried allowed the 4 Horsemen to stay with me.
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