Thinking of breaking No Contact and need feedback

Old 09-07-2011, 06:05 PM
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Thinking of breaking No Contact and need feedback

So I have had basically no contact with exAH since mid July when he moved far away (after I insisted he move out and things actually got worse when he lived nearby and came only to visit our 3 yr old). He is living with his mom and step dad with the intention of moving again next month at the promise of a job in another city. I went NC because he got increasingly crazy and as my earlier posts chronicled, I had been codependent and quite blind to just how crazy and how nuts I was to put up with it. Anyhow, I told him there was no discussing our relationship while he was still drinking and I didn't want to talk to him at all anyway. Slowly I let him have some phone contact with our son, since he had respected my boundaries and had limited himself to letters to the boy as I suggested.

I've been wondering about talking to him after hearing from his mom that he has been to regular meetings, has a counselor and is on meds (possibly just antabuse, possibly antidepressants too). I feel an obligation to tell him that I think we are beyond reconciliation (I think he still believes there is a chance for us). Maybe I am letting myself be reeled in by his mom's words (she felt the need to mention to me that he is "trying to be strong but he really misses his son."

I've been trying very hard to be mindful of my own thoughts and to think hard about why I want to contact him. Sometimes I suspect I want to prove to myself that it's all BS and he's still the same quacking A he has been for the past 4 years. It's strange, I mean, I want him to get well and find some happiness but after finally being able to appreciate how ugly his behaviour had become and how blind I had been, I guess I am less able to allow myself to fantasize about happy endings. Do I secretly want him to fail to prove to myself that I was right to end it? Am I right that I owe it to him in the name of his own recovery to be honest about how I see our relationship? I know I am not being noble, but could I possibly be so cynical and bitter? I've really been working hard at getting my life together and figuring out how to get my career in order so I can be a stable (emotional and financial) provider to my son, and although it is hard work I am feeling much more like myself and at peace than I have since before he was born.

Maybe I am not trusting of my own detachment yet. I'd appreciate any feedback on the idea of breaking NC when it is possible that the A is truly getting help. The lines between what I owe to myself and what I owe to him are suddenly as blurry as ever!
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:51 PM
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My thoughts are that 2 months is a drop in the ocean. Protect your serenity and let him work on his.

You don't really owe him anything. Continue with your own recovery and it will sort itself out, one way or another.

When I had those urges in the very beginning the contact had nothing at all to do with my xah. It was all about me. What is going on with you? Is there some emotion or feeling you need to deal with and your first urge is to go focus on someone else, fix them, help them, ignore yourself? That was usually what it was for me but everyone is different. I 1000 percent knew I didn't want to get back together so it was always something else I needed to work out and dragging him into it would have been not only ignoring/denying my own issue but would not have been fair to him at all.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by BecomingMe View Post
I've been wondering about talking to him after hearing from his mom that he has been to regular meetings, has a counselor and is on meds (possibly just antabuse, possibly antidepressants too). I feel an obligation to tell him that I think we are beyond reconciliation (I think he still believes there is a chance for us). Maybe I am letting myself be reeled in by his mom's words (she felt the need to mention to me that he is "trying to be strong but he really misses his son."
I added a few emphasis points on your post. These things stood out to me.

You are verbalizing an intent to break "no contact" based on a conversation with his mom. HIS mom. Sorry, but he is her baby boy and she wants what is best for her son and grandson. She may be uncomfortable with divorce, with alcoholism, with consequences and she may be trying to manipulate you into believing what she believes.

You know what it was like living with alcoholism.
You know what it is like without it in your home or in your daily conversations.

You do what is best for you and your son for today.
You are a good mom and you do make good decisions for yourself and son.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:03 PM
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I agree with Pelican. His Mom is manipulating you. Let him work his recovery. Give it some more time.

If you feel like chatting, reach out to an Al-anon pal or keep posting here. I have found that to be a better/safer place to feel my emotions!! Having chats with my sponsor leaves me feeling better... Not hungover like when I get 'discussions' with my AH!!!

Keep Posting... You're doing great!
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:27 PM
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I haven't read your other posts so I don't know the background here, but I didn't get that she is trying to manipulate you when she shared with you that her son is doing better and missing his son. What else would/should she say if indeed he is working on recovery and does miss his child? And what else would you have to talk about other than her son/your AH. Maybe, sometimes conversation is just sharing information?

Having said that, it does sound to me like it might be too early to break NC.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:04 PM
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I agree with the previous posters.

What is there to gain for you by having contact with him?
Are you willing to risk your hard-earned emotional equilibrium for whatever you might get out of it?

In the interest of full disclosure, I find that every time I have to have contact with AXH, it pushes me a little off-center again, and I have to take deep breaths and go to a few meetings before I'm myself again. So that's where I'm coming from.
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Old 09-08-2011, 12:03 AM
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I always felt worse when I broke No Contact.

Hugs, put yourself first, your sanity first, and you will never lose.
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Old 09-08-2011, 03:29 AM
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Two months does not make for recovery. I agree, his mother is attempting to manipulate you.

No rush to do anything, I'd give it alot more time B/4 I opened Pandora's Box.
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Old 09-08-2011, 04:47 AM
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Something that has always worked for me with these types of questions is to ask myself " how does this help my recovery?".

Your friend,
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:27 AM
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Thanks everyone -- thoughtful replies as always. I think I got a little uncentered
over the weekend! I know his mom means well, but sometimes her input comes off as if she thinks this separation is a spat that we'll get through when I calm down, haha. She's not deliberately trying to manipulate me, but I do always have to remember that she is the ultimate Giving Mom, and she has, in my opinion, some codie issues of her own. She always takes all the stress in the family onto herself and doesn't share. I never would have seen it this way before, but now when she talks about not telling her husband about things that might upset him I see it in a new way, and see how I took a similar approach to my own relationships. I was always willing to bear all the burdens -- yuck. I will keep in mind m1k3's good words and ask myself how something will aid in my own recovery. Even if ExAH IS doing well, it would be a slip up on my part to let his recovery upset my own. Looks like part of me still wants to control!
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Old 09-08-2011, 06:17 AM
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My therapist who saw my X and me before we divorced said my X needed to do 90 in 90.....meetings.......maybe shoot for Thanksgiving for a "3 of you visit...."and watch his actions....My X did not embrace recovery so we never made the 90 in 90.....
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:55 PM
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Why? In God's name why? Good Lord.
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:28 PM
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I don't really know your story So my opinion dose not hold much ground. But being in al-anon and nar-anon I know that he will make the attempt to make amends, and there is no reason to break no contact. Let him progress in his own recovery on his own time line.

I also agree with the others who pointed out the mother is just defending her son. And holds no bering on his recovery.


Just not time yet, let him grow. (just my opinion )
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:51 PM
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Just for me... No contact has given me peace ,calm, and a new perspective. Being "in" the craziness just keeps ME crazy. It's wise of you to realize that you think you still have some control of his illness. His sobriety does not (and should not) hinge on any action, words or contact by you.

I find that when I do things that bring me peace today, and that I will not regret tomorrow, a week, or a year from now- then I make good choices that align with my true self. Do what is best for you! It's so foreign to us, we always consider others too much. Take care of you. You have been so strong and you deserve it!

Just my thoughts. I wish you courage and faith in whatever path you choose.
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