Silence
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Silence
Having (seemingly) cut off my partners finances I am now faced with a wall of silence. There were a few days of uncontrolled anger because I had changed in my attitude, and threats of every kind, now she is just stoically silent, not really joining in family meals (I'll make myself a sandwich).
I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes with regard to R's behaviour, she wasn't just abusive with alcohol but was talking (or shouting) to me always in a confrontational manner.
Perhaps I'm being idealistic, but I keep imagining the day when she will sit down and say 'what a fool I've been' and open up about the whole thing.
But the truth is, I think, that she would need to undergo a fundamental personality change to do that.
Meanwhile I feel like I'm living with a partner who really isn't here with me -very lonely at times.
I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes with regard to R's behaviour, she wasn't just abusive with alcohol but was talking (or shouting) to me always in a confrontational manner.
Perhaps I'm being idealistic, but I keep imagining the day when she will sit down and say 'what a fool I've been' and open up about the whole thing.
But the truth is, I think, that she would need to undergo a fundamental personality change to do that.
Meanwhile I feel like I'm living with a partner who really isn't here with me -very lonely at times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
I was hoping 'silence' referred to peace and serenity 
I am sorry it isn't. I can relate to the loneliness. I think everyone who posts here can, though I cannot speak for others. You deserve better. I think your comment about her realizing what a fool she has been fits well with the apology discussion as well.
I am sorry it isn't. I can relate to the loneliness. I think everyone who posts here can, though I cannot speak for others. You deserve better. I think your comment about her realizing what a fool she has been fits well with the apology discussion as well.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Honestly, she hasn't been with you for a long time. Speaking for myself, I accepted my ex's behavior as normal, which of coarse was a skewed view of normal.
You, like me. seem to have become accustomed to the abusive behavior, that to us was communication. Plus, I became use to the drama, at first after I tossed him out, I found myself to be bored....hey....wheres the drama?
Time healed all, today I know I will never live like that again. Also, I was never lonely until I lived with an addict, I was truly by myself, today I know that, then I had no clue. Unfortunately many of us codies do not understand what a healthy relationship really is.
You, like me. seem to have become accustomed to the abusive behavior, that to us was communication. Plus, I became use to the drama, at first after I tossed him out, I found myself to be bored....hey....wheres the drama?
Time healed all, today I know I will never live like that again. Also, I was never lonely until I lived with an addict, I was truly by myself, today I know that, then I had no clue. Unfortunately many of us codies do not understand what a healthy relationship really is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I found one of the hardest things about living with my AH for the past several years was the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I had when we were together. Being alone, with him living elsewhere I actually feel less alone than I did when I was with him.
I understand what you're describing and it is a very sad and difficult thing to live with.
Sending warm thoughts your way....
I understand what you're describing and it is a very sad and difficult thing to live with.
Sending warm thoughts your way....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I found one of the hardest things about living with my AH for the past several years was the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I had when we were together. Being alone, with him living elsewhere I actually feel less alone than I did when I was with him.
I understand what you're describing and it is a very sad and difficult thing to live with.
Sending warm thoughts your way....
I understand what you're describing and it is a very sad and difficult thing to live with.
Sending warm thoughts your way....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So sorry to hear what you are living, Painterman. Somedays I just wanted to scream, but the drooling drunk that was passed out on the couch would not have heard me anyway. That's when I would go get a coffee, go to the second hand store, book store, drugstore, grocery store. Anything but look at the pitiful sight he had become. I would have to get out and just get some fresh air to clear my head.
In my outings, I would see normal people and knew I had to make that my reality once again. In the end ( usually the weekends) the only person I conversed with, was intoxicated. That is not an enjoyable conversation, leaves you feeling very empty. Not to mention listening to someone who is not in control, rambling about absolutely nothing, wears on your well being.
He was trying to wipe his disease all over me, and I knew I had to end this poisonous relationship.
Thinking of you, wishing you peace...........
In my outings, I would see normal people and knew I had to make that my reality once again. In the end ( usually the weekends) the only person I conversed with, was intoxicated. That is not an enjoyable conversation, leaves you feeling very empty. Not to mention listening to someone who is not in control, rambling about absolutely nothing, wears on your well being.
He was trying to wipe his disease all over me, and I knew I had to end this poisonous relationship.
Thinking of you, wishing you peace...........
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Oh, the silent treatment... A very cunning form of abuse. I used to react to first by trying remediate the situation by any means necessary... I'd say do whatever I could to get the other person to talk to me/acknowledge me so that we could work things out and move on to happy times. When that didn't work, I'd tiptoe around on eggshells, silently waiting to be set free from the punishment.
Now... To hell with that person. You don't want to talk to me? Okay, have a nice day... I'm getting on with living!! If he/she can't be mature enough to carry on an adult conversation and work an issue out... I'm sure as hell not going to waste my precious time to salvage the relationship for them. Grow UP!!
When I stopped settling for that behavior, I stopped receiving it. That's not to say the other person necessarily stopped being a jerk... I just wasn't sitting around participating anymore.
That's what works for me.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Now... To hell with that person. You don't want to talk to me? Okay, have a nice day... I'm getting on with living!! If he/she can't be mature enough to carry on an adult conversation and work an issue out... I'm sure as hell not going to waste my precious time to salvage the relationship for them. Grow UP!!
When I stopped settling for that behavior, I stopped receiving it. That's not to say the other person necessarily stopped being a jerk... I just wasn't sitting around participating anymore.
That's what works for me.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Thank you all, it's wonderful to have your support-we need to constantly remind ourselves that it isn't us that have the problem! Marie, the drooling drunk description was so apt, how often I have come home to find my partner semi comatose on the settee not watching whatever the TV was blaring out. Gettingby-your attitude really gave me strength-absolutely, just stop taking the nonsense and engage with mature people!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Honestly, she hasn't been with you for a long time. Speaking for myself, I accepted my ex's behavior as normal, which of coarse was a skewed view of normal.
You, like me. seem to have become accustomed to the abusive behavior, that to us was communication. Plus, I became use to the drama, at first after I tossed him out, I found myself to be bored....hey....wheres the drama?
Time healed all, today I know I will never live like that again. Also, I was never lonely until I lived with an addict, I was truly by myself, today I know that, then I had no clue. Unfortunately many of us codies do not understand what a healthy relationship really is.
You, like me. seem to have become accustomed to the abusive behavior, that to us was communication. Plus, I became use to the drama, at first after I tossed him out, I found myself to be bored....hey....wheres the drama?
Time healed all, today I know I will never live like that again. Also, I was never lonely until I lived with an addict, I was truly by myself, today I know that, then I had no clue. Unfortunately many of us codies do not understand what a healthy relationship really is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Hi,
I'm living the silent treatment now. For over a month. Actually it's not very lonely because he really wasn't talking or hanging with us anyway.
I know there will come a time I am lonely. But right now I am enjoying the peace (as much as there can be) as he is not home or in the basement all the time.
For years, I have thought that he would suddenly 'wake up'. But that was just me wanting to fix him.
Now I am divorcing him. So I'm hoping soon I will have the happy silence. Where it will feel like I'm out of prison.
And like gettingby said, I have accepted the way he is and I am doing things now like going out with my friends, family, etc. things for me and not participating in his stupid gibberish. For the most part I ignore his texts. Ignore him. Basically, so have the kids.
Thanks for letting me share.
I'm living the silent treatment now. For over a month. Actually it's not very lonely because he really wasn't talking or hanging with us anyway.
I know there will come a time I am lonely. But right now I am enjoying the peace (as much as there can be) as he is not home or in the basement all the time.
For years, I have thought that he would suddenly 'wake up'. But that was just me wanting to fix him.
Now I am divorcing him. So I'm hoping soon I will have the happy silence. Where it will feel like I'm out of prison.
And like gettingby said, I have accepted the way he is and I am doing things now like going out with my friends, family, etc. things for me and not participating in his stupid gibberish. For the most part I ignore his texts. Ignore him. Basically, so have the kids.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
When I still used to think it would somehow help, I would nag or lecture and I would always get silence back. Not a defiant silence, just a refusal to participate. I would get angrier and angrier and think "Sheesh, if he would even just argue back or something..." He still does not respond to any sort of confrontation or any helpful pointing out of his flaws (I am being sarcastic here). And thanks to Alanon I learned how pointless it was (is) for me to try and change him, that I would never have the magic words.
When something I did angered him, again with the silence. Half the time I wasn't astute enough to know I was getting the silent treatment or why and would realize it in hindsight.
When he was too drunk to talk without slurring, more silence.
It all made for a very quiet house.
Now I am less angry, he is less angry, he is drinking less (though still daily), the house is filled with more conversation. The silences are more peaceful.
Still a long way to go, but much better.
When something I did angered him, again with the silence. Half the time I wasn't astute enough to know I was getting the silent treatment or why and would realize it in hindsight.
When he was too drunk to talk without slurring, more silence.
It all made for a very quiet house.
Now I am less angry, he is less angry, he is drinking less (though still daily), the house is filled with more conversation. The silences are more peaceful.
Still a long way to go, but much better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
This all rings true, like the issue of drinking is like the elephant in the room. I'm also thinking, is she drinking because she is basically miserable, and is she now miserable because she isn't drinking..what the hell, like you all say WE can't change it!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 75
My AXBF was like a zombie even when not drinking. He said drugs had fried his brains and I think he was right. I would have to ask questions repeatedly and he often just stared into space at nothing for hours on end. I will be pleased to one day have a partner who can hold a conversation without disappearing into nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I'm also thinking, is she drinking because she is basically miserable, and is she now miserable because she isn't drinking..what the hell
Yes and Yes. She's miserable because she has no recovery, whether she is technically sober or not. Same as my AH.
Yes and Yes. She's miserable because she has no recovery, whether she is technically sober or not. Same as my AH.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by wellnowwhat
Now I am less angry, he is less angry, he is drinking less (though still daily), the house is filled with more conversation. The silences are more peaceful.
Still a long way to go, but much better.
Still a long way to go, but much better.
And that is the outcome of "working a program!" When I started to feel peace at home (even though AH was still drinking)... I knew my Al-anon recovery was finally working. I felt detached from him and his stuff... and I was calm. I was no longer reacting as if I was in the middle of a battle ground. I didn't participate in the childlike bickering - the blaming/shaming. I can stand back and observe and collect facts. I am evolving as a human being. Seeing this "as-is" not how I wish they could/should/would be. I see AH's behavior in a different light. I don't take it personally anymore - he's just being him. And I have choices - I can choose to walk away and not participate!! YEAH!!!I'm taking my time to rebuild my foundation to have the strength to deal with life in a healthier way. I know today that more will be revealed and that when the time is right... I'll be able to make (and follow through!) on the big decisions that need to be made. And in the meantime, I'm taking it one step at a time!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I found one of the hardest things about living with my AH for the past several years was the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I had when we were together. Being alone, with him living elsewhere I actually feel less alone than I did when I was with him.
Alone also = All One
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