GracieJane

Hi all:

I have been at this sobriety thing since the end of June, and I'm at the point where I'm questioning whether I'll ever be able to do this. I get a few days under my belt, and then I just say what the hell and I drink. It's as though I'm bent on self-sabotage and self-destruction. I even stopped going to AA meetings because I kept having to change my sobriety date and people kept asking me "oh, you should have a couple of months now, right?' and I kept having to say no, I messed up again. I've watched "newcomers" who started on this path at the same time as I did just pass me by - they're doing so well, and here I am: a perpetual screw-up.

I don't know what, short of a tragedy, will make me stop and that's such an awful thing to face. For a while the fear of the physical pain of withdrawal kept me abstinent. But now even that isn't working and I'm turning into my worst enemy.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm not a bad person. I really like who I am sober. So what the heck is wrong with me? How do I stay stopped? Has anyone on here ever overcome the insane condition of just not wanting it bad enough? I'm so sad right now.

Thank you for reading.

pooky

Gracie,
I feel like I should have written your letter. I seem to be able to go a few days then start drinking again. Embarrassed to keep going to meetings and always bein on day 3 or 4 when it should much more.I try really hard too but seems at the end of the day I start drinking again.Maybe we should do this together and support each other.I was starting to feel so good last week after not drinking for a week bur drank again. I guess we just keep on keepin on

Anna

The same thing happened to me too - endless promises to myself, followed by failure. After doing some soul-searching, I recognized that I was self-sabotaging. Whenever I would get a few sober days going for me, feeling good, I would think 'Oh my gosh, this is uncharted territory and I have NO clue what to do'. Ah, but failure, that was something I was very familiar with, and so it went.

My advice - self-talk/journal, and give yourself permission to succeed and believe deeply that you deserve a good life.

ButterflyMan

I'm so sorry to read your torment. There's nothing wrong with apart from that you have an addiction. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are capable of doing it. Do yourself a favour and go back to AA. Even if you have to keep changing your date, perhaps being honest will give you that extra boost or help them to understand that you need a little extra support.

Don't give up.

silly

I can definitely relate! Endless promises, endless declarations and then a couple of days into it and all resolve is gone.
I wish I knew the reason or the solution.
I heard from people in rehab and in AA that you "have to really, really want this". And maybe that's it. Because I knew that I really, really wanted to quit drinking the way I was drinking but I didn't want to quit drinking all together. Scary!!! It's only when you become honest with yourself, admit you are physically and mentally unable to drink like a normal person and come to terms with the fact that the only solution is complete abstinence, that you'll have the courage to seek long term sobriety.
I had so many fears about being sober. I can't sleep without something. I can't be intimate without something. I can't have fun without something. I won't be a fun person without something. It's a tough, tough adjustment and the learning curve is steep. I had to learn to be uncomfortable in my skin. Not easy. But it does get better if you work at it and you let it.

Elisabeth888

The answer is yes!

I kept relapsing until I started really working the program and steps of AA with a sponsor. ( I just got 90 days) It is also helpful to have a list of phone numbers of ladies you can call- to chat or whatever. Call your sponsor everyday. Share in a meeting that you feel like taking a drink. Pray. Read the literature. Keep going to meetings.

It sounds like you want what they have- you just need to do some work. Praying to God to take the obsession to drink away is really working for me! I couldn't believe it. But you have to be vigilant. Do it every day as part of your routine.

Good luck and you CAN do this!!

Hevyn

Gracie, you aren't alone with these feelings & there's nothing wrong with you. We've all had this happen. Unfortunately, I had to crash & burn really hard to get the message. I really had no choice but to quit - since I was looking death in the eye. It doesn't have to get to that point for you! You already know what needs to be done.

I like Anna's idea of journaling. I agree with Butterfly, too - if you were getting something out of AA try going back. You could choose a different meeting if you feel too uncomfortable. You can definitely make it over this hurdle and have a great new life.

Boleo

For a long time I to thought " I did not want it bad enough". This caused me to not only bark up the wrong tree - but explore the wrong forest. I was trying to stay motivated enough to keep myself sober. Little did I know that I was beyond human aid. Beyond any psychological tricks. Beyond any sociological tips. Beyond any synthetic knowledge.

The only thing that keeps me sober today is being spiritually fit. For me sobriety is a byproduct of spiritual growth pure and simple. Wanting it has nothing to do with it. Learning it has nothing to do with it. Not drinking has nothing to do with it either.

Terminally Unique

If that is causing you problems, perhaps it might be better not to tell people your sobriety date at all?

I do know that it is certainly possible to quit, regardless of how how long you have been drinking or many times you've tried unsuccessfully.

As long as you never, ever give up, eventually it clicks.

CaliBohemian

I hope you won't beat yourself up too badly, Gracie Jane. I don't even publish a sobriety date on this site anymore because I had to change it twice in the one month I've had this account. Nobody here will hold a few relapses against you.

I'd love nothing more than to be able to come up with the perfect words that will inspire you to quit and stay quit, but I struggle to find those answers even for myself. No, you're not a bad person. None of us are. These things happen. It's okay. You still have inherent value as a human being whether you're sober or not; it's not like you're less of a person when you're relapsing, even though it feels that way. I hope you find the answers, and I wish you nothing but the best.

least

You're an alcoholic, like me. I felt like the relapse queen myself for about a year. I'd get a few days or weeks under my belt then relapse. I felt hopeless. Like I'd never 'get it'.

But thanks to my supportive friends here and my addiction counselor I didn't give up on myself, just kept trying and I finally 'got it'. You can too. Keep trying until you get it or die, cause one or the other will eventually happen. I'm glad I stopped when I did before something awful could happen...

Threshold

WOW! Gracie, thanks for sharing, because a lot of people share success stories, but for those of us who are stumbling, repeatedly, sometimes we feel like we are the only ones who don't "get it".

Let me share some of my experiences and maybe something will shout out to you.

The best way to stay sober/clean is to not pick up.

I understand the "why bother, what the h*ll" mentality, I have found it useful to get a big sheet of paper (the back of an old poster will do, or pick up a piece of poster board at the grocery store for 79 cents) and stick it to a wall, bedroom or kitchen is good. And write on there all the reasons you want to be sober. Then, when you forget WHY you are doing this, there it is, in big old letters to remind you.

I also write, on my big piece of paper, a few pointers on alternatives to using. Mine are about six inches away from me as I post this. Because I can get stupid real fast, and it's good to have these ideas where I don't even have to look for them.

One of my favorite things that I have on my wall is this "Imagine what a hopeful person would do in this situation, then try it"

I don't keep track of clean time. Having a sobriety date was counter productive for me. The one day at a time thing is more useful to me. Am I sober today? yup, must be doing something right!

If I start thinking about tomorrow and tomorrow and the next day, in terms of sobriety, I go crazy.

I am not saying I can't make any long range plans or goals, I just need to not get myself thinking over how I am going to stay sober tomorrow , or next week or if my neighbor's dog chews up my newspaper...All I have to do is stay sober now. I don't have to deal with any of that right now,.

I used to think that "god won't give me anything I can't handle" line was bullsh*t. But a couple weeks ago I realized something. I won't get any more than I can handle in a day. My problem was that I kept trying to handle more than what was actually on my plate. I was trying to solve next years potential issues today. Of course I felt overwhelmed.

I am going through a divorce right now, and if I start thinking six months, a year, five years down the pike, I literally get paralyzed by fear. But if I just handle today's issue. I'm ok.

sobriety is working the same way. I used to be like "how am I going to get through the next 40 years without using?" and the truth is, I don't have to even think about that. THe very thought of it makes me want to use. All i have to do is take care of today, all I have to do is not use this moment, and instead take care of whatever issue is at hand, like doing the dishes, getting on here and seeing what my recovering friends have to say, watering the plants, laying out clothes for work tomorrow, etc.

If I don't write "relapse" into my schedule, it's not likely to happen. For a long time I was living as if a relapse was inevitable, planning how I'd handle it if it happened, wondering how many days of sobriety I'd have to give up and if I'd have the moxy to try again, and, I hate to admit this...wondering if I would get more attention and sympathy from the people in my NA group (and yes I wanted that) or if I'd get shunned and then I'd have an excuse to give up, blah blah blah.

I know I am going on FOREVER, but I want to share this last bit. All my adult life, I never had a savings account. I was afraid to. If I took money out of my weekly budget, how in the world would I manage, what if something happened? I couldn't possible afford to save.

I let fear keep me from even beginning. I got this most recent job. I was hired at minimum wage, the least I've EVER made. When I opened up my checking account, the bank offered me a deal if I would have some money from my direct deposit go straight into a savings account. I decided to do it (imagine what a hopeful person would do, and try it) and, low and behold, I managed to live on my weekly pay, and without me even paying any attention, the savings built up and when a need arose (car tires) I had the money to pay that bill

My sobriety, it turns out, is the same way. Every day I just take care of my business, and then all of a sudden I look and wow, I have managed to wrack up more days clean than I ever did before when I was sweating bullets over how many days I had, would I ever get that red chip, what if this/that/or something else happens...

Like my savings account, where i decided to save some money, I have my sobriety account, I decided to live sober, a day at a time, and lo and behold, the days just stacked up all by themselves! Why? because I made a decision, that was good for me, and stuck with it.

Dee74

hi Gracie

I could never get more than a few days myself...for 15 years I battled this...but I never gave up.

I think thats the key - like Anna said - you deserve a good life and you need to give yourself permission to succeed.

With me, I was scared of change - my life was awful but it was an awful I thought I could cope with. The fear of being sober drove me back everytime.

If this is you too, get some support - post more here, call people, talk to people, tell them how you're feeling good or bad- reach out...get connected and let yourself be helped through those times of fear.

I think its important too to keep it in the day in the beginning. I kept saying to myself that all I had to do was stay sober today - I kept to that...let the weeks take csare of themselves until you're ready to think about that

D

Biza

Been there. Am there. This is the 3rd time I have tried. I am on day 4 now.... Got to day 16 last time and the time before was ~2months.

I dont know what the key is. AVRT, a member here, said some thing to the effect that you have to have a plan to stay sober. I have held on to that and am trying to work out my plan.

For me it meant putting scenarios into it. For example today my buddy wanted to go get cigarettes. well the cigarette store is next to the liquor store. I had to think of how I would deal with that, what I would do not to enter that store or buy anything or even if it was safe to go.

I also have daily plans to keep myself busy. I know I cant get bored, because I drink when I am bored. I am trying to stay away from stressful situations, because I drink when I am stressed. Its about finding your triggers.

I am no expert by any means. Just trying to figure this whole thing out.

eddie73

I hear you. I relapsed again after 7 months of sobriety. I am on a new day 1 of very many hopefully. It is a very difficult thing to do this, to stay sober, and to live a good life. Hope u work out a better plan this time

Dee74

Welcome back Eddie - hope this can be your last time.
Do something different, mate

D

sugarbear1

Welcome home. You aren't alone anymore! Keep coming back!

BoozeFree

I have had several day 1's and 3 or 4days here and there too than given into drinking and now on day 5, I think the important thing is to not give up and keep trying to apply different recovery methods to your sobriety until you find something that works. you can do it!

eddie73

I hope you feel better today.

GracieJane

All I can say is WOW. I've never had so much support. I'm in tears right now I'm so grateful for all the helpful -- and I mean REALLY helpful -- posts. Thank you so much. This is the first morning in a week that I have not taken a drink. I'm so thankful I have this site. You guys are amazing!