enablingwife

I've kind of harped on this for the past week, but I'm officially moving out next weekend.
If any of you left your addict, how did you do it?
I still haven't told him. My family and his sister know, but that's it.
I also am NOT comfortable having this conversation with him. I'd prefer to just type it up...he can't interrupt, over-analyze my words, and manipulate print.
To be honest, this is how I've dealt with our "serious" problems in the past too. Write a letter, he has to SHUT up and listen.
The problem is I've started this letter about 5 times and I can't get past the first line. I don't know what to say...."The kids and I are leaving...you know why"...something like that.
The clock is ticking and I'm afraid I'll have another panic attack trying to write this damn thing! I haven't had one in 2 weeks and I'm FINE with that!
Any thoughts from ya'll would be GREAT!

cc88

I'm happy you're taking control of your life and looking out for your kids!

Seems like you hit the nail on the head. What more do you need to say? You don't owe an explanation, saying WHERE you're going is counter productive, everything else is sorta implied, no??

Sorry if that's being insensitive, not at all my intention.

MTSlideAddict

Short and to the point is probably your best option. If you feel the need to elaboate more maybe something as this:

I have chosen to extricate myself and the kids from the daily drama, and leave this household to create a stable happy home for ourselves. I wish it hadn’t come to this, but I no longer want to make us vulnerable to the constant exposer to the drug abuse and the emotional turmoil. We will be in a safe place.

lightseeker

short and sweet definitely sound like the ticket - as does you doing it in a note.

I told my husband the week before I moved but he believed that the move was temporary....otherwise he would have made it impossible for me to leave. Even then, it was incredibly difficult, painful, terrible living there for that week after I told him.

I had planned not to tell him but then figured out a way to do it that still allowed me to get out. He actually thought that the father of my children was going to sue me for custody if I remained with him so that was my out.

I think that there is no good way to do this so you just have to do it the way that is best for you and your kids. You are doing it for all the right reasons. I know that it feels chaotic right now but things will settle down....they really will.

Just keep posting...you have a lot of people here that care about you and are sending you love and support....

dollydo

To me, you are over thinking this. Keep it simple. A couple of short sentences ought to do it.

onlyliveonce

I was married to my ex for almost 20 years and one thing I did learn is alcoholics and drug addicts are very unpredictable most of the time....I learned over the years how I had to do things to get the mission accomplished

This last time we lived out of state and we were there almost 5 months. He was on a real good run in FL......I packed quietly right under his nose while he laid in the bed sleeping off his high or drunk. Everyone in his family knew except him and his brother. I had it all planned out to the tee....mom in motel around the corner the night before, truck rented and help coming to load as soon as he left. It took us close to 3 hrs. to pack and load and that was packing all the odds and ends things left laying around. My cat ran away so we had to chase him all over to get him in the car.... and then what happens......I run into him on interstate as I am leaving and he KNOWS it's me and we are OUTTA THERE!!!! )) He had many chances and times to do better...he didn't....so I did. Even his family understood I was saving us cause he was just outta control. Anyway that's how I left...it's not hard to do if they are drunk or high most of the time ...Much luck in making this tough call...I've been there

enablingwife

I'm learning that I tend to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I over-analyze things, and I've come to a point in life where I'm expecting worst case scenario at ALL times! I suppose living with an addict for ten years does that to ya. (onlyliveonce) I love how you said "he didn't change...so I did." Anyway, thanks for your help/stories. Every time I read how one of you left I build up a little more courage.....ONE MORE WEEK!!!

Freedom1990

When I got out of rehab, I temporarily moved in with my counselor. I had already told EXAH I wasn't coming back. He threatened me several times.

When I got a place of my own, my parents rented a U-haul and prayed he wasn't at the duplex, which he wasn't. They loaded my stuff as quickly as possible, and brought it to me.

There was no going back for my own sanity and safety.

I was over 2 hours away from my original home, and he was too strung out all the time to bother with me where I lived, other than phone calls. I started hanging up on him (this was before caller ID), and eventually the calls stopped.

artist83

My situation was a bit different than most of yours...

I decided to end my relationship with my EX ABF a little over two years ago, but since we were living in my house, I had to tell him he needed to move out. I tried time and time again, told him that the relationship was over and that I wanted him out of my house, but he continued to manipulate me into giving him one more chance. That went on for a long time, but one day I just had enough and finally made the decision to follow through. I took his key off of his key chain when he wasn't looking and when he left the house made sure all of the windows were locked and that there was no way for him to get inside without breaking in. I put most of his belongings in boxes and left them on the porch, and stayed by my parents' house for few days. At first I answered his calls and tried to explain that this was best for both of us, but he wouldn't listen to a word I said, so eventually I stopped answering. He called my phone at least 50 times a day and I ignored every one of them.

I went home after a few days and one of my guy friends came over to hang out that night. I heard a knock at the door and assumed it was my sister (she's mildly mentally ******** and lives across the driveway from me and comes over often to borrow items, etc.) because I hadn't heard a car pull up. I opened the door slightly just to take a peak and my ex kicked the door open and threw me across the kitchen. He was out of his mind and I was terrified for the first time in the 6 years we had been together. I never thought he would have done something like that, but at that moment I realized that you never know what a coke addict is capable of doing.

My fear quickly turned into anger. I was furious and my adrenalin was pumping, so I got up and started pushing him toward the door, punching him, tried to throw him out of the house. I now know that was a very stupid decision, but at the time I wasn't even thinking - I just reacted. I didn't want my ex and my friend to start fighting because if they had, one of them probably wouldn't have survived the fight, so I threatened to call the cops. He told me to go ahead and call them, he didn't care what happened to him. So I told him I was calling my father and that did the trick. He is terrified of my father - I guess he realized that if my dad showed up, he wouldn't make it out of my house alive, so he left.

I remember standing there in the kitchen afterwards - my hands were shaking and I couldn't breathe. It all happened so fast, but I will never forget one second of it. My dad slept by my house that night, and the next day I changed my phone number and got a temporary protective order. After he was served with the papers, he started stalking me. He would drive by my house 10 times a day, and at night he would park his truck in front of my house and just sit there. I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to stay home. I didn't know where to go because he followed me everywhere. One of my friends is a local police officer and he pulled him over one night as he was leaving my house and literally beat the crap out of him in the street, but that didn't stop him.

We finally went to court and instead of just agreeing to the protective order and paying the court costs, he had to do it the hard way and we both had to testify. I was so angry, so hurt, so humiliated. I still couldn't believe that he would put me through that after all of the pain he had already put me through. But the judge ruled in my favor and I got a 18-month protective order.

Over the past 18 months, he has violated the protective order at least 20 times and gone to jail at least 5 times that I know of. At first I thought this would never end, but eventually he stopped harassing me, finally realized that I would never allow him back into my life again.

I guess the point of my story is this...regardless of how we end a relationship with an A or how bad it may get afterwards, it WILL GET BETTER. It may take a few months, a year, or a few years, but it WILL GET BETTER. I finally got my life back and so will you. There is no way to tell how your husband will react or what he will do, so you can't drive yourself crazy over things that haven't even happened yet. You have to take this one day at a time, one hour at a time even. Just don't make a stupid decision like I did and try to fight him (if it comes to that) - if you feel threatened in any way, get yourself and your children to a safe place (go to a friend's or family member's home), and if you can't get to a safe place, call the police. The most important thing is to make sure that you and your children are safe, both physically and emotionally. Go to nar-anon or al-anon meetings, go to therapy, and if your children are having a tough time with this transition, seek a mental health professional who has experience with children of an addictive parent.

I hope this helped in some way. Just remember that it WILL GET BETTER.

Sending hugs and strength your way,

hello-kitty

When I left my husband 13 years ago (NOT the addict that qualifies me here), I simply woke up one morning, rolled over, looked at him and said, "I'm leaving. I can't do this anymore." Then I packed a bag and went and stayed with a friend. I sorted out all the details later. It was very anticlimatic. No big fight. No big speeches. I. Just. Left.

We had been fighting constantly for a year. We had no intimacy. We had tried counseling (well I tried, he wasn't into it). Our relationship wasn't working. I had threatened to leave many times. Finally I did it. There was no need for long discussions or dramatics. I had had enough. Of course he acted like he had no idea it was coming. But that was his way. In effect, that was the very problem - that he never acknowledged there was a problem.