New to recovery and admitting I need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
New to recovery and admitting I need help
Hi everyone, first time poster here at the website. I’m a guy in his late 30s that’s never once talked about my problem with anyone or posted anything on a website forum. So I guess we can all agree that alcoholics are great at covering up their disease. I sure have been.
This is my first attempt and reaching out to anyone or any community for support. Because I need it for sure. This is not something I will be able to do alone, and I’ve tried many many times by myself over the years. I simply need to stop drinking, period. The reason it’s taken me so long to admit that I have a problem, is because it’s embarrassing, shameful and because I’ve been in denial for quite a long time. Now that I’m almost 40, I sit back and think through my progressive problems and they’re crystal clear to me…but they weren’t then. I learned very early on to use binge drinking in social settings to my advantage. I think this is where the high school/college days really formulates and enables the disease. You’re around people who are always drinking and you go to establishments where people are always drinking. This was pretty normal for my group of friends. We would all have our duties, jobs, school, etc during the week and sure enough, the weekend was time to party. This was my life for well over a decade. I always thought that binge drinking on weekends precluded me from having a problem. And there was always someone in my social circle drinking more than me, which allowed me to sort of keep under the radar. But that’s not the case. I can’t stop. Now, I never felt the urge to drink daily...but my ability to stop at just one or two drinks was pretty much out the window.
As time has gone on and peers are married with children, my social circle has dwindled a bit. We don’t ‘go out’ anymore, but that hasn’t stopped my disease from finding new and creative ways to get me to ‘permit myself’ to spend a Friday or Saturday night drinking. Where I was rarely drinking alone (quite often if there was no one to drink with), I would opt not to drink that evening. I have weaseled through life as a high functioning alcoholic. I have a job but I plan ways and evenings wisely where I have little to no responsibilities that next day. So clearly my life was nothing more than from my last drunk to my next drink.
In an odd turn of events I lost interest in drinking outside of my own house. In social settings I could now easily have one or none…and go home just fine. But, I started getting more daring at home and drinking more. And I have become more of an introverted shut in. Probably to better hide my hangovers and my drinking. What turned out to be a major trigger was discovering online social gaming where you and 10-20 other people are spending hours together solving puzzles, playing games and having fun online. This social activity (along with an OK dating life where I would use those dates to drink heavily too) really piqued my drinking interest. Over the past couple of years I have started down a very dark slope, drinking successively more every month that passes. Now I am to a point where I have moved on from drinking Fri and Sat nights only…to drinking Saturday and Sunday during the day as well. I have never done this up until my mid 30s, but now I am doing this quite a bit on weekends. I now miss work every so often because of the random weeknight that I will throw in there as well.
Even more recently I’ve actually been using vacation time to create multi-day benders. My first one was last year and was about three days long. I’ve since scheduled a few more, where each bender is a couple days longer and I’m drinking constantly. I stock up for three days worth and when I’m out, I walk to the store for another 2-3 days worth. The withdraw symptoms are horrible (as we all know) and this has gotten out of control. I can no longer continue doing this. I’ve lost interest in many hobbies and the only things I look forward to are those weekend nights because I get to interact with other people who are playing video games and drinking as well. This last bender has me fearing for my life. I do take sleeping pills to help sleep at night and if I’m on a bender, I actually lock them up because I’m paranoid that I’ll forget I was drinking and take one. I had done this before and the amnesia affect sleeping pills is absolutely deadly. I am lucky to be alive through this last bender. On one such evening I consumed about a liter of vodka and took a sleeping pill. I then woke up 2 hours later, forgot I took the pill and took another one. I am lucky I did not stop breathing or aspirate. If I don’t have any permanent physical damage to my heart I would be surprised. I feel as though I am now at risk of accidentally drinking myself to death through one of these benders...that's a very real risk now and that's horrifying.
I’m sorry for the long winded post but it feels good to get my story out there. I thought I was a functional, successful and smart guy to figure out my own little system that allowed me to achieve some goals in life and get to drink the way I wanted. Turns out I’m a fraud. And I don’t think I can stop.
How have some of you approached recovery? Local groups? Talk therapy? I am intrigued by AA and there are local AA meetings but I’m agnostic and not very religious. I would have a hard time injecting or believing that I cannot get better without changing my belief system. Perhaps and alternate 12 step would be better for me? I realize the mantra for recovery is steeped in religious undertones.
Again thank you for reading this and your support.
This is my first attempt and reaching out to anyone or any community for support. Because I need it for sure. This is not something I will be able to do alone, and I’ve tried many many times by myself over the years. I simply need to stop drinking, period. The reason it’s taken me so long to admit that I have a problem, is because it’s embarrassing, shameful and because I’ve been in denial for quite a long time. Now that I’m almost 40, I sit back and think through my progressive problems and they’re crystal clear to me…but they weren’t then. I learned very early on to use binge drinking in social settings to my advantage. I think this is where the high school/college days really formulates and enables the disease. You’re around people who are always drinking and you go to establishments where people are always drinking. This was pretty normal for my group of friends. We would all have our duties, jobs, school, etc during the week and sure enough, the weekend was time to party. This was my life for well over a decade. I always thought that binge drinking on weekends precluded me from having a problem. And there was always someone in my social circle drinking more than me, which allowed me to sort of keep under the radar. But that’s not the case. I can’t stop. Now, I never felt the urge to drink daily...but my ability to stop at just one or two drinks was pretty much out the window.
As time has gone on and peers are married with children, my social circle has dwindled a bit. We don’t ‘go out’ anymore, but that hasn’t stopped my disease from finding new and creative ways to get me to ‘permit myself’ to spend a Friday or Saturday night drinking. Where I was rarely drinking alone (quite often if there was no one to drink with), I would opt not to drink that evening. I have weaseled through life as a high functioning alcoholic. I have a job but I plan ways and evenings wisely where I have little to no responsibilities that next day. So clearly my life was nothing more than from my last drunk to my next drink.
In an odd turn of events I lost interest in drinking outside of my own house. In social settings I could now easily have one or none…and go home just fine. But, I started getting more daring at home and drinking more. And I have become more of an introverted shut in. Probably to better hide my hangovers and my drinking. What turned out to be a major trigger was discovering online social gaming where you and 10-20 other people are spending hours together solving puzzles, playing games and having fun online. This social activity (along with an OK dating life where I would use those dates to drink heavily too) really piqued my drinking interest. Over the past couple of years I have started down a very dark slope, drinking successively more every month that passes. Now I am to a point where I have moved on from drinking Fri and Sat nights only…to drinking Saturday and Sunday during the day as well. I have never done this up until my mid 30s, but now I am doing this quite a bit on weekends. I now miss work every so often because of the random weeknight that I will throw in there as well.
Even more recently I’ve actually been using vacation time to create multi-day benders. My first one was last year and was about three days long. I’ve since scheduled a few more, where each bender is a couple days longer and I’m drinking constantly. I stock up for three days worth and when I’m out, I walk to the store for another 2-3 days worth. The withdraw symptoms are horrible (as we all know) and this has gotten out of control. I can no longer continue doing this. I’ve lost interest in many hobbies and the only things I look forward to are those weekend nights because I get to interact with other people who are playing video games and drinking as well. This last bender has me fearing for my life. I do take sleeping pills to help sleep at night and if I’m on a bender, I actually lock them up because I’m paranoid that I’ll forget I was drinking and take one. I had done this before and the amnesia affect sleeping pills is absolutely deadly. I am lucky to be alive through this last bender. On one such evening I consumed about a liter of vodka and took a sleeping pill. I then woke up 2 hours later, forgot I took the pill and took another one. I am lucky I did not stop breathing or aspirate. If I don’t have any permanent physical damage to my heart I would be surprised. I feel as though I am now at risk of accidentally drinking myself to death through one of these benders...that's a very real risk now and that's horrifying.
I’m sorry for the long winded post but it feels good to get my story out there. I thought I was a functional, successful and smart guy to figure out my own little system that allowed me to achieve some goals in life and get to drink the way I wanted. Turns out I’m a fraud. And I don’t think I can stop.
How have some of you approached recovery? Local groups? Talk therapy? I am intrigued by AA and there are local AA meetings but I’m agnostic and not very religious. I would have a hard time injecting or believing that I cannot get better without changing my belief system. Perhaps and alternate 12 step would be better for me? I realize the mantra for recovery is steeped in religious undertones.
Again thank you for reading this and your support.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome hockeyguy!
Thanks for sharing your story - it all sounds SO very familiar...... We know what it's like to be unable to stop yet unable to continue living the same way. Over time, it only gets worse, never better.
You've taken a big step today - so congrats on that!
There are lots of different recovery resources in addition to AA. I know AA puts a lot of people off on the religious angle, but it's helped a great many agnostics and atheists, so you may not want to write it off just yet. Plenty of people recover without AA as well. You'll figure out what's right for you.
Getting some medical help for detox is always a good idea.
I'm glad you're here - you don't need to live like this anymore. Things really can get better......
Thanks for sharing your story - it all sounds SO very familiar...... We know what it's like to be unable to stop yet unable to continue living the same way. Over time, it only gets worse, never better.
You've taken a big step today - so congrats on that!
There are lots of different recovery resources in addition to AA. I know AA puts a lot of people off on the religious angle, but it's helped a great many agnostics and atheists, so you may not want to write it off just yet. Plenty of people recover without AA as well. You'll figure out what's right for you. Getting some medical help for detox is always a good idea.
I'm glad you're here - you don't need to live like this anymore. Things really can get better......
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Welcome hockeyguy
Your stories familiar to me too - I moved from bars to my own house eventually - I began to prefer drinking alone - that should have been a warning signal for me but it wasn't.
Theres a lot of recovery methods out there - here's a link to a few of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
Your stories familiar to me too - I moved from bars to my own house eventually - I began to prefer drinking alone - that should have been a warning signal for me but it wasn't.
Theres a lot of recovery methods out there - here's a link to a few of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to SR. We have a secular forum here you might find interesting. Take a look.
Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
We have a secular forum here you might find interesting. Take a look.Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hello Hockeyguy! I applaud you for facing your problem in your 30's. If I had, my life would have turned out so different. Instead, I tried to manage my drinking - and in the end it had complete control over me.
Your sleeping pill incident was frightening. It does sound like your drinking has become dangerous and upredictable. I admire your self-awareness. This is the perfect time to stop the insanity before it takes your life. I hope you'll check out the links provided. We are very happy you're here, and look forward to being with you on your journey. You can do this - and have a whole new life.
Your sleeping pill incident was frightening. It does sound like your drinking has become dangerous and upredictable. I admire your self-awareness. This is the perfect time to stop the insanity before it takes your life. I hope you'll check out the links provided. We are very happy you're here, and look forward to being with you on your journey. You can do this - and have a whole new life.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: spokane, wa
Posts: 7
Hi, I'm new around here too but your story sounds so alike mine
I thought I was the only binger around. You are not alone. I used to daily party in my twenties and turned into few times a week in my 30's. Slowed down a bit then it came back badly.. Lately, once every few weekends. but it takes me all week to drink down off of it as to not has bad withdrawal. Numerous ER visits.. trouble with law, family. Health is getting worse.. Just remember it does not get better at all.. So glad you are safe right now.. Let's all keep ourselves that way from now on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Hi Hockeyguy and welcome!!
I can relate to your story as well, although I always prefered to do my drinking at home. I had a few years where it was only a weekend thing and then it got more and more frequent until finally I was drinking every single night. I couldn't imagine stopping. Infact, I remember plenty of times I would agree with my husband that I needed to stop and I would end up bawling because it took me by surprise that I couldn't. It definitely is a slippery slope. Never in a million years did I think I would have ended up being one of "those people" who drinks everyday! I know it's very scary thinking about taking alcohol out of your life.
THE GOOD NEWS, however, is that life is so much better on the other side. There are still plenty of challenges, but it honestly feels like a huge weight is lifted off of me. Depression is getting better...sleep better...no more shame or embarassment...clear headed... the list goes on. It is definitely worth a shot!
SR is a wonderful site full of amazingly caring people. I hope you'll stick around and read and post some more. There's great advice on here, and it's a good place to come to remember that you're not alone.
I can relate to your story as well, although I always prefered to do my drinking at home. I had a few years where it was only a weekend thing and then it got more and more frequent until finally I was drinking every single night. I couldn't imagine stopping. Infact, I remember plenty of times I would agree with my husband that I needed to stop and I would end up bawling because it took me by surprise that I couldn't. It definitely is a slippery slope. Never in a million years did I think I would have ended up being one of "those people" who drinks everyday! I know it's very scary thinking about taking alcohol out of your life.
THE GOOD NEWS, however, is that life is so much better on the other side. There are still plenty of challenges, but it honestly feels like a huge weight is lifted off of me. Depression is getting better...sleep better...no more shame or embarassment...clear headed... the list goes on. It is definitely worth a shot!
SR is a wonderful site full of amazingly caring people. I hope you'll stick around and read and post some more. There's great advice on here, and it's a good place to come to remember that you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 48
You're in the right place Hockeyguy! You ask how we approach recovery. Personally, alot of my recovery support has come from reading blogs like this one. I haven't been able to bring myself to AA yet (idk...i'm so nervous), but I am 42 days sober and very very happy about it. I was a weekend binge, non-daily drinker, like you. You will be able to do this, it sounds like you're stopping at a very wise time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,348
Welcome Hockeyguy! I'm new-ish here and just want to tell you how instrumental this website and the people on it have been to my recovery. You will find amazing support and help. AA is great but it's not the only fish in the sea. Try a few different approaches and see what feels right.
You're doing a great thing!!
You're doing a great thing!!
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