married10

So I have finally had enough of the craziness of living with my Ah. I told him on August 21st I was done wanted a seperation. (my last little attempt to possibly hold onto our marriage). Week went by felt great about my decision). He comes home on the weekend (he works out of town all week). Pretty quiet we go about our weekend business doesn't acknowledge the fact I told him to move out. Wrote him a letter stating he needs to move out to work on himself, me myself and down the road on us. He says "its not what I want!) Boo-hoo poor him, what about what I want dammit! Labor day weekend so sucked. Kept busy staying out of his way but yet around just in case he wanted to talk about the seperation. Still has not seemed to acknowledge the fact I was serious. I even put in my letter to him that if he chooses not to move out by Sept 15th I would file for divorce. But I guess I am suppose to be so grateful that he mowed the lawn for the first time in 8 weeks, that he put on the shutters for the addition that have been in the garage for the past 4 months (by the way he was off work for almost 8 months this year alone.) That he did laundry and the dishes. I suppose I am not being grateful that he did these things (not so much I don't feel that, which makes me feel bad that I don't). So know we are approaching this upcoming weekend the 10th and 11th and I still don't think he thinks I am serious. The unfortunate truth for him is that I am starting to feel freeer and happier thinking that it could be over. Maybe seperation isn't needed. Maybe after all this time it is what it is and I have finally accepted it. Life is too short to be so unhappy. I don't think I can try to make it work again. I gave it a chance, so he showed me (his actions) of what he truly wanted, but yet his words are oh so the ones we want to hear.

I have finally started to truly believe in this statement "a person is not whom they say they are but they whom they are by their actions"

It sucks when you the codependent realizes that you have had so much love and hope for someone that you could overlook the obvious that everyone else sees. This part scares me cause I don't want to be lonely and without someone to care for, but I can't ever see myself giving my whole heart to another again and expecting that really the other person does the same. To me it doesn't seem that exists in the world.

I've realized in the past couple weeks, as much as I tried to hang on, I don't think I ever will be able to get past the last couple years of heartache and hurt. I don't see it fair to my husband either to live a lie, I just don't think I feel it anymore for him. I care about him but I don't see or feel the love anymore. I guess it means I have moved on.

wanttobehealthy

I just posted under "quackity, quack, quack" and my story is so similar to yours. Finally told my AH in no uncertain terms I' wasn't playing games about his leaving. He has left but prior to doing so he did the same bury his head in the sand nonsense that your AH is doing. I guess they think that if they ignore what we've said we want that we will forget about it? not bring it up again?

My AH used to do the same things as yours. Hear what I'd say, beg me to reconsider then take no action and ignore the subject entirely.

My AH also used to do the "now I'll help around the house" after months of doing nothing bs.

You will have to continue to tell him what you expect and want and you may have to stick to your threat of filing for divorce (or at least seeing a lawyer) if he won't agree to leave.

My AH didn't take me seriously until I went to a lawyer, had my attorney send him a letter notifying him of my intentions and a handful of other VERY clear actions on my part.

Just like we can't believe what they tell us and can only go based on their actions, we need to show them with our actions that our words are what we mean. Too often I spoke words (demanding he leave) that I didn't follow through on (demand he leave but never do anything to make it occur).

I hope that you are able to stick to your plan and hold your H to your request that he leave. You deserve peace!

lillamy

So... is it possible that he is slightly confused?

If you see that as an attempt to hold on to you your marriage -- what do your actions tell him? Are you ready to follow up your words with actions?

I wasn't. It took me several years after I said "If you don't get help, I will leave you" before I worked up the oomph to actually do it. And of course, when the weeks and months and years went by and I didn't leave -- he didn't think I was serious.

Before I left AXH, I felt the same way you do. My ideal life was living alone with my kids, having lots of friends, and maybe a friend-with-benefits... but nothing that required me getting emotionally involved and really open up to someone again.

I think you require a lot of healing after living in an alcoholic marriage. But I know you can heal. I have. I'm in the best relationship of my life, with complete honesty and complete trust, something I never thought I'd be capable of after AXH.

Just keep working on your own recovery. Call a lawyer to know what your rights are. And have a locksmith ready for Sept. 15 to change your locks after you put his stuff on the lawn.

OnMyWay11

married10

I had a similar experience. But it was my bf, not husband so there are legal issues I did not need to deal with.

Told him he needed to move out so he goes and brings me Starbucks (my guilty pleasure), cuts the grass, washes my car for the first time in many months, blah, blah, blah..... I finally got boxes for him and told him it was fine that I would pack his stuff and started to do so. I will tell you he got U-G-L-Y!!

I changed the locks and changed the alarm code on the house. He finally realized I was not blowing smoke up his butt. The only shocking part is that I stayed clam through it all. The calm in the face of his anger was vital to get him out.

As for friends, I was surprised at how many were happy for me. They were far more aware of his drinking problem than I thought and I had reached a point where I didn't care if anyone knew.

I really wish you luck. It is amazing how peaceful it is without him in the house. I hope you find that too. You and your children deserve it.

marie1960

married 10, just another smoke screen, a great manipulative tactic. Women are less likely to discuss an issue when a man is cleaning or doing home repairs......... Why does it always have to come down to being just alittle to late ....... All my best to you.

veryregretful

I'm in a similar situation. My ah is going to be served walking papers on Sept 22. I will have the locks ready to change. He is still being manipulative. He even put our wedding picture back up after he tpok it down and told me he threw it away. That pic .is coming down.

I just want to say keep the faith and you will soon be happy and it will be nice finally to come home.

I forgot to add I did go see a divorce lawyer. Hardest thing to do! He has no idea as I am afraid of telling him myself to leave. Tomorrow I pay her the rest of the money and off we go. I can't wait to get it over with.

Carol Star

Be careful...mine got ugly too....cleaned out our joint account and left me with $.0.

veryregretful

While I was on vacation with the kids he wiped out our joint account. That money was for mortgage. I didn't even have gas money to get home. Thank you mom for helping me!

Then the kids got their SSDI check deposited in the joint account and he took that out the other day. I'm going to the bank today to see if I can have him not use that account even though he is the payee on my kids SSDI checks.

Nothing else goes into that account. I'm not sure I can change the direct deposit but I know when they get deposited I can have transfer them to my account.

He took the money out and didn't spend it on the kids. He bought boozed with it.

Off to the lawyer today!!

Cyranoak

He didn't cure cancer. He did normal **** husbands are supposed to do. He doesn't get, nor does he deserve, a medal for his "effort." Good God. A simple thanks will do.

I don't laud my wife for cooking dinner, and she doesn't laud me for fixing the lights in the bathroom. We're grown ass adults and taking care of our home, our daughter, and each other is a responsibility we share. She's not my mommy, and I'm not her daddy.

We are so far from perfect, but one thing we are clear about-- we are husband and wife, not parent and child.

Cyranoak