Philomena

I have just had another imbarrising weekend , i thought yet again i had it under control! but no once i start i just cant seem to stop. i will only drink at the week end but as friday roles around i just get a thirst and i just want to drink until i cant think anymore. i wont drink the next day i couldnt face it but i could easily down 10-15 bottles of larger in a night and just swollow them. i used to think it was because i was unhappy and blame that, but i have turned my life around stopped blaming others, and generally quite happy, i am dreading friday, i am currently away from home , i dont want to tell any one although the signs are all there, i feel so alone at the minute. i have work functions friday and saturday all envovle drinking , i will offer to drive to explain not drinking but most of the time thats not even an option!
my family back home think i have it under control , and will say well its just a couple of beers, i dont want to admit i will never be able to have another beer with them, i feel like a failure..

ps sorry for bad spellings

artsoul

Welcome Philomena -

I spent years telling myself I'd only have "one or two"..... I think I was successful maybe 1% of the time, and that's probably being generous. As long as I continue to keep the door open, my drinking always got worse, never better.

You're not a failure - you just can't drink..... And you're doing the right thing by getting honest with yourself and reaching out for support. It's good to have you join us - you can do this!

sugarbear1

Welcome! You can stay stopped. Save yourself and your body from any more damage!!

MsJax

Please do not feel like a failure for not drinking! Taking steps to make your life better is courageous & admiral. When I first got sober & still to a large degree now I avoid situations where drinking is the focus. Very warm welcome to you Philomena

micealc

Welcome Philomena............There was a line I crossed somewhere while drinking and I could never get back.I wanted to be able to drink like everyone else but I could not.
I tried to control it........using several different methods.........No good.I would always end up after a few weeks drinking in a mental Hospital....again.
I eventually threw in the Towel..........joined AA......Slipped a few times......a good few times.But I could have saved myself years of litteral Hell if I heeded what I heard at those first Meetings.......One is too many and a Thousand was not enough.Im an Alcoholic...........Thanks for been here for me.........you remind me of the old me.
Its been many a long day sense I had my last drink........but today is the most important day.
Take Care.......

Tracy210T

Philomenia,
Some of us just cannot drink. There is nothing wrong with that, really. If you are on the fence about being able to just have a few and stop or not, you are better off having a soda .. at least you wont have anything to regret the next day. My internal motto is "if I have one, I will have 13".. so no thanks

Philomena

hey thanks guys, just got to get my head around it, its really hard being honest out loud, well at least its not just me and the little voice in my head doing battle anymore, yep its soda for me , just gotta find my way though this week end i believe i can do it.

isnt it funny that i have watched most of my dads family drink themselfs to death, literally and how i watch my dad slowly killing himself, i yet in my confussed head i should still be allright,,,, well i am reliseing i am not.... does it get easier?

Anna

The denial aspect of addiction is very powerful, so you're not alone in believing that things would be okay when they aren't. And, alcoholism isn't a character defect, it's a disease and the way to deal with it is to stop drinking. We can offer lots of support.

artsoul

YES!

It does get easier. Getting through an urge to drink is hard at first, but it gives us a little more strength for the next time. There are little rewards along the way - we start to feel better, look better. Waking up without a hangover, not having to deal with the anxiety, seeing our thinking change..... it all helps.

The main thing to remember is that it takes time - it's not going to happen overnight. We're used to getting immediate relief, so it's hard to be patient with ourselves. Just don't panic - get support when you have bad day or strong emotion. One day at a time, one hour at a time..... you'll get there.

ACT10Npack

Life gets easier after you stop drinking. It's not the end of the world. You will give yourself 20 to 30 more years of life if you let the alcohol go.

aasharon90

If I was generally happy and nothing bad happened
as a result of my drinking then I possibly would still
be drinking. I would tell myself, in that case Im
not ready to quit. Of course only you will be able to
determine what's best for you. For me, I had no control
in staying stop from drinking. Then consequences
followed my actions.

That was some 21 yrs ago and today I know for certain
alcohol hasnt changed because I see and hear too many
people go out trying some control drinking to only
return and tell me that it is still alive and well and
destroying lives.

I think....no, I know I will stay right where I am today
living and incorperating a program of recovery with
steps and principle into my everyday life.

As a result of that, I live an honest, happy, joyous,
free life alcohol free.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Philomena

You're definitely not a failure - deciding not to drink when it's so destructive for you is the mark of a brave and smart winner

glad to have you with us
D

Philomena

It's been a while and again last Friday I drank myself stupid, woke up with a sinking feeling and remembered my actions, the flash backs are not nice. Locked my self away this evening, I only have 11sleeps until I fly back home, but I hate to think what the people I work with here think of me now, but I can escape and leave these mistakes behind soon. I even want a drink now and telling myself as long as I don't go out I will be ok... So distructive... I want to not drink for eleven days, jet need to get home been away for 3months and upset slot of people I think, they may well be glad to see me leave..

ForeverDecember

Hi Philomena! Mostly what I can hear from your posts is shame and guilt. I used to use those feelings as an excuse to drink... eg "I'm a horrible person I deserve to make my life miserable so I might as well drink".

One of the turning points for me was when I told my counsellor that I felt ashamed of myself because of my drinking. She looked shocked and said asked why did I think that I was a bad person for drinking? I told her - who looks at someone who drinks nightly until they black out and say "what a champ that person is"?. She told me that there was a reason I drank, and it was filling some urge inside of me. I should not be ashamed of myself. That help me realise that "hey, I'm a good person, I just have a problem - would I hate myself if I had asthma?". So try not to feel ashamed of WHO you are. The drinking is just filling a void, you get rid of the drinking, you see what that void is and you find positive ways to fill it, but the underlying YOU is a good person.

Don't be ashamed of yourself, and don't set yourself up for failure. 11 days is a long time. While I tried to quit and failed I used to say "OK I won't drink for one month" or "one week" or "until X party". Instead today I don't think about how long it will be that I don't drink, I just think to myself "I will not drink today". If that doesn't help just look at the clock... I will not drink this hour. When the hour's up "I will not drink this hour".

You are a good person, don't let alcohol make you feel like you're not.

PS - also I can't believe how much better I feel about myself and how much more strength I feel after telling people in my life that I have a problem and found how supportive they are. Maybe talk to your doctor, a support group, a counsellor, a close (sober) friend?

Philomena

Thank you forever December, I was just chatting to my sister back home she says I am a good person also! I just hate myself for the things I do, I wouldn't do them sober! I have just gone got a pizza no beer and I will just not drink tonight, thank you, u have helped me so much.

Philomena

This may seem like a strange question, but does the feeling pass? What I mean is once a week I just go and get blotto, because as someone said 1=13 for me, I can control it sometimes, but always in the back of my mind is the next beer, I am so sick from that night that I couldn't face another beer for a week then same cycle over again... Will that thirsty feeling on a Friday ever go way once i stay away from the drink, is it like giving up the smokes?

eJoshua

It does go away, but how quickly depends on the individual.

For myself, I found that I wasn't able to get control of my drinking until I started working a program that involved dealing with the reasons behind my drinking. For me this means working the 12 steps with a step group, posting on SR, meeting with a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly. I am also getting more involved in Church and reconnecting in my relationship with God. Before I really started taking my recovery seriously I had no serious success. I really had to make some major life changes to see anything change. This is why you hear people say "nothing changes if nothing changes".

Now I am 6 months sober and the thought of drinking rarely passes through my mind, and if it does it is nothing more than a passing thought with no power over me.

Best wishes to you, you can have success in sobriety if you are willing to make the changes that bring success!

Boleo

Here lies the differences in recovery programs. For some it just takes time. For others it takes a program of action. I suggest you start reading posts in the Alcoholism forum to get a feeling where your particular problem lies.