simplex

Hey all,

I wrote this a while ago as a sort of admission of my problem. Thought I'd share (it's a tad long.)

Peacefully Compromised

In blank darkness, for endless direction, slow radiant waves meander among the hollow. They are of a billion moon's glow, aching undisturbed to sooth some dreadful void. I am not aware, as I observe with my mind's eye, what lies around me. Everything is tainted by some bulbous heavy fog, that nudges me another day towards that soothing sweet nectar. How did this get here?
How long since I've taken stock of my faculties?

With as much clarity as I can muster, I focus both near and far as to where it originated. I check all of my memories for this thing I can't recall. That which attached itself to my being. Looking it over directly, it seems to change a trillion times a second, never holding any form that makes sense to me. I study intently yet it is garbled, ever changing.

I must be too close; frightened, I must find a safe place to consider what's going on. I will down one more, last one, tonight... forever. Being careful to trace my mind along its oldest and deepest roots of logic and reason, I back away. Slowly I try to hide my conscious mind behind my strongest explanations, hoping it will disappear. It remains; this brooding selfish thing follows me into whatever fantasy I can imagine. It is there waiting, mocking me as it taps me on the shoulder to whisper softly, "we coexist."

Frustrated, I try another perspective to lose this overwhelming urge to swallow the chameleon comfort. Something begins to flicker wildly. Conceptions of myself are either too giant or microscopic to fill the black canvas of my imagination. I cannot safely tell what is real. In an instant I am outside of my own mind.

My soul is visible. It shimmers with a blinding essence glowing all around it. It is damaged, frayed at the edges, and carries several deep gashes. Dancing around, twisting itself, it seems to be bending and stretching wildly. I begin to pray for the struggle with the unseen enemy to stop. I can see my soul is tired. It is becoming weak. In an instant I am inside myself again.

My enemy is suddenly clear. Staring at me intently as if it is calculating my next move. It is confident, poised, and cunning. It waits and I begin to breath deeply. I find a name for this thing that is mine, my addiction. For the first time I am at peace as we stare into each others eyes. A sense of calm overcomes me as I realize he doesn't draw me into battle until I strike the first blow. I am slowly becoming wise to this puppet master.

I had been sitting comfortably in the misery this beast provided. It gave me great barriers to the world's reality. The beauty and the pain could not enter the myriad of walls that my addiction constructed. I had enough. I was numb from addiction. Soon the greatest thing began to happen. I realized that though it had taken almost everything, it was powerless over my spirit and desire to live freely. When I was running my thoughts were dark and murky, they weren't my own. They were compromised by my addiction.

Now as I feel memories both beautiful and haunting, I can begin to know that I am experiencing them truthfully. My interactions with the outside world are easier; I have nothing to hide. I've realized my addiction cannot be removed, it is a part of me. It is however, halted by my awareness of its existence. It can remain right where I left it, for the rest of my days. Using this newly found awareness, I will never be forced to see through the pitiful blinders my addiction provided. Just for today I am happy to be peacefully compromised.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Simplex - powerful stuff - and well written too

D