NEW and venting

Old 09-06-2011, 09:11 AM
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Angry NEW and venting

I am new to this forum but not new to dealing with an addict. My husband is an addict and I am at my wits end. I used to be sad because of his addiction but now I am just mad, very mad. I am just mad. He keeps saying he is at a point where he is "almost" ready to get it totally out of his life. That is a load of crap! He does not want to stop using. I tried taking head meds myself prescribed to me by my doctor. I stopped taking them. My husband is upset because he liked me better in a fog. I was not as hard on him when I was on anti depressants. I am not depressed. I don't need them. I am just very angry and I feel hate towards him and I have had enough. We go to counseling, that does not help. My hubby expects me to just be loving and act like nothing is different when he uses. I have done that for several years and I am tired of putting on the smile. There is nothing to smile about when drugs are concerned. Has he slowed down? Sure, for a year it has been getting better, I guess, not as much quantity. He has not had the crazies in over a year. He takes medication to help him. However, as soon as he gets an extra dime, he is off buying. The only difference is he does not spend all of his money on it. I hate the addict. I really really hate the addict. I love him but I do not need him. I am financially independent. I am the major bread winner in our home. I have always made my own way in life. I just want to scream out loud......
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:51 AM
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Welcome,

Let it out !!! They can be so irritating. All the promises to stop, and go behind your back and keep doing it.

What kind of counseling are you going to ?
Have you ever been to an al-anon meeting? Or nar-anon? I found them to be very helpful for me.

Glad you found us, keep reading and posting.
be well,
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:53 AM
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welcome Justlizzyd.. you've come to a good place and there's lots of support here.
I can relate with the antidepressant thing. I've made a decision to stop mine simply b/c I realized i was taking them to deal with the excessive craziness in my life. Its cheaper and less side effects to get rid of the crazies!

I agree it doesn't sound like your husband is ready to quit. I felt like my partner was having an affair with drugs. There was always this extra thing hanging around the sidelines that mucked up our relationship. I don't like her "addict" personality either. she's in rehab now and I sincerely hope she stays in recovery b/c frankly I wont go back to the loneliness and misery of living with an active A ever again.

Alanon and Nar anon really helped me out a lot, especially in the beginning when I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay or go. I too am financially independent so giving the boot would only be an emotional loss. I do suggest you check out a meeting if you haven't already.

welcome and keep reading/posting!
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:18 AM
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Thanks for the welcome. There are no nar anon meetings where I live. There are a few alanon. I went to a few and found it depressing. Maybe I should try a few more with a different group. I am about to the "I don't care" point. It makes me sick to my stomach. Anyway, we go to marriage counseling. He goes to counseling, same Dr., on his own and we go together. The Dr. is well aware of his addiction. He also goes to a phychiatrist for his addiction. He is getting help, but his heart is NOT in it. He is not ready to stop or he would. He is just trying to keep his marriage, not help himself to a better life. He is not 100% sure in his mind that it is not okay to use. He knows I hate it. He has not reached a bottom and knowing what he has been through in his life, I am not sure he has a bottom......

I am tired of being supportive. I know that sounds terrible. That is how I feel. I do love him. I love him, not the addict. I hate the addict! It's a shame, he could be such a good man...a great man. He is so talented, smart and such a good people person. What a waste....
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:45 AM
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A lot of wise people on here are quick to remind that we need to look at what is, instead of what could be. He could be a great man, but is he right now? Most addicts are smart, creative and likeable types - whether that is part of who they are naturally or develops b/c it facilitates getting drugs I don't know. Have you ever known him 100% sober for any appreciable length of time?

My AGF stopped a few times but didn't work any type of program. She was miserable to be around and a total dry drunk. She quit for the wrong reasons (for me, to prove a point, get me off her back) but she didn't quit for her.

My first 2 alanon meetings were not a good fit. I was mad about going anyway ("why do I have to be here when I don't have a problem") and it was a bunch of older ladies talking about the AC repairman being late. There was no structure and I couldn't relate to anyone.They benefited greatly, but it wasn't what I needed. I took the suggestion of trying 6 meetings before giving up. I eventually found a good one and get a lot out of it whether I speak or not.

I'm fortunate that I live in a larger city where there are several Nar Anon meetings. I do prefer them but they are much smaller and less stable than the Al Anon. Its basically the same steps and message, so you'd do well with either one.

You're tired of supporting dead weight. there's nothing terrible about that (been there). Its OK for you to take care of you.

Everyone has their bottom, its just not up to you to locate his.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Justlizzyd View Post

My hubby expects me to just be loving and act like nothing is different when he uses.
You could decide to accept him as is/where is.

You could decide this is not how you want to live your life and leave.

It's the tween part that's pure hell-o.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:16 AM
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That is funny about what you said about your first 2 alanon meetings. That is almost like the ones I went to. The women there were bitter. However, I am becoming like the bitter old ladies. He is dead weight. I made a list of reason's to stay in the relationship and reason's to get out of the relationship. There were only two things in the reason's to stay. 1. I love him 2. He does not beat me. The other side of the list was full but I was also mad. I'm tired of being angry. I am tired of being the responsible one. I want to run away and become someone else. I wished I could be in some type of witness protection deal without having to be a witness to any crime.

That is what I feel like right now. Tomorrow I might feel better but I doubt it, I know he is using. I hate all of his friends. I think they are all losers. They even look like losers. He has two sets of friends, the drug friends and the non-drug friends. The drug friends are no teeth, trashy living, herky jerky tweeking mf'rs. I cannot stand them. That sounds so terrible of me to be so judgemental like that. I used to not be that way. I used to be accepting and felt sorry for them. Something snapped in me and I have lost all compassion for them. I have lost respect for my husband. I have lost all respect for my husband. That is a terrible thing. I hate that I am in the place now. I used to be so understanding, loving and caring.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
You could decide to accept him as is/where is.

You could decide this is not how you want to live your life and leave.

It's the tween part that's pure hell-o.
I agree the tween part is hard.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:52 AM
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what you are seeing is where the progression of addiction can go....knowing your husband is on that path is SURE to be upsetting and revolting.


It is revolting to me. I am by no means a snob. I have friends from all walks of life. However, these people, are sorry. They know my husband has had issues with drugs. They know he has almost died twice from overdose. These are life long buddies of him and his sister. They have been around, they know. They still provide it to him if he has the money to buy and even if he does not have the money to buy. Is that a friend? How can you consider that a friend? I feel if they were really friends, even though they may be addicts too, they would not provide it to him. These "people" are supposed to be friends of his family, his mother has always been good to them. They make me sick to my stomach. Especially now that his mother just lost her only daughter in a car accident a year ago. They were all friends. They know it would kill my husband's mother if she lost her son too. I'm sure this post does not make sense as you don't know the back story. But thank you for your response.
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Old 09-06-2011, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i say them, but i am a former them. i may not have been the most long term, chronic crackhead, but long enough and damaging enough. no way to live, that's for sure. hard grip to break.
I'm sorry, I have been offensive. I'm just angry and sometimes I say things without thinking what others have been and are going through. I really have turned hard here lately. I used to be more understanding. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.

My husband is addicted to meth. It has a strong hold on him. He used to be a heavy user but has slowed down dramatically for a year now. He thinks I should be happy he is trying. I am but I think it is time for him to take it to the next level and get it out of his life. I will be the first to raise my hand and say I don't understand addiction. I just don't. I honestly don't understand how a person can not stop doing something if they really did not want to do it. I am not trying to pass judgement on addiction, I just don't understand it. I really cannot wrap my head around it.
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Old 09-06-2011, 12:39 PM
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Do you think there is any hope? I used to be full of hope, now I kinda feel like Red said on Shawshank Redemption, "Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man (woman) insane."

I am losing all hope, all faith. I stopped praying, especially for him. I asked God (as I know him) last night for help. To help me and to help him. I have not done that in a long time.
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Old 09-06-2011, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
sure there is hope.....you just don't have to hang around and wait to see if what YOU hope for ever comes to fruition. you can have hope that one day he wakes up, but you can also get back to living YOUR life, and follow the guidance of your own Higher Power. it's not your job to save him, you were not appointed lifeguard on duty while he keep jumping back in the shark infested waters!!!

honey, if you WERE the answer to HIS problems.......he's be all better. it's not your fight.
Yeah, you are right. I think that is one of the resentful deals going on in my brain. I'm tired of lifeguard duty. Thanks!
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Old 09-06-2011, 03:34 PM
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scream it is ok... i just want to welcome u to S.R. it has saved my life. your husband is not clean & will not get clean untill he is ready. u can live in it or leave. that is up to u. nobody can make that decision for you. i hope u keep coming bacvk. maybe u can find a face to face meeting. prayers for all of you.
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Old 09-06-2011, 03:48 PM
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Justlizzy, you and I have a lot in common - I too blamed the lowlife friends who set her up with oxy's, patches, you name it. They knew she had a problem but misery loves company. Hell, even one of my so called friends sold her percosets and KNEW it was for a high, not "back pain".

But in the end it is 100% her choice to be an addict or to be in recovery. Not her friends, not me, not the lowlifes. I think what's hard for you to see is that the toothless tweaking lowlifes your husband associates can and will be him someday if he doesn't get off the ride. He can't see it, but you do. All the more frustrating to realize that you can't stop it; only he can if he wants to. What you can do is decide how far you want to go on the ride before you'd like to get off.

I've chosen to stay with my A b/c she is in recovery, b/c she wants to be there and is working her program. She'll be out in about 30 days or so and we'll see if she stays as committed. That part is not up to me. All I know is that I will not go back to being the bitter, angry, joyless person with all the life sucked out of me that I was before.
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