ACOAHappyNow

My sister, who did go through ACOA type therapy decades ago, has decided to just "let go of the past and not be bitter."

"All families have issues, that's how all families are, you don't walk away from a family just because they molested you and harmed you while drinking and just because they still drink and don't apologize for anything they've done or continue to do to you..."

Well, I don't want to spend time watching my father continue to drink himself to death. It triggers my own codependency issues I still struggle with. I don't want to smile and pretend everything is fine now and pretend nothing bad ever happened.

My sister wants me to continue playing the family role of dutiful daughter and sister and "let the past go." She says that I am harming myself by continuing to hold on to the past and not just pretend everything is happy and hunky dory, and that is not healthy behavior.

But I feel denying the truth is not healthy - I feel spending time around people who make me feel bad about myself and make me feel sad, is not healthy.

Are we bad people for being selfish enough to walk away from abusers/addicts/alcoholics who are not in recovery? To want to be separate?

I don't feel we are bad people.

suki44883

"All families have issues, that's how all families are, you don't walk away from a family just because they molested you and harmed you while drinking and just because they still drink and don't apologize for anything they've done or continue to do to you..."

Did she actually say that?????????? OMG! She's as sick as the rest of them.

No, you are not bad or bitter because you don't wish to continue being involved in the madness. Yes, it is definitely okay to walk away from toxic people, whether they happen to be related to you or not. Please don't let her or anyone else try to convince you that you are not doing the right thing. We cannot choose which family we are born into, but we sure can choose whether or not to allow them to infect us with their sickness.

Stay strong and move on. These people have nothing to offer you.

ACOAHappyNow

Yes, she did. Thank you so much for this. She has a way of pulling my guilt strings and I know I need to come here in order to be able to be strong. They all tell me I'm the sick one for not forgetting the past etc. I don't want to press charges, don't want to send angry letters, etc. but I do want to protect myself from ongoing abuse and she tells me that is sick and unhealthy.

She is a Lutheran pastor, too. You'd think she would know better because they have ongoing counseling and learn how to counsel, themselves, but nope, this is what I get from her.

ACOAHappyNow

And why is it they are so desperate to claw us back into the family fold when we try to leave? What is THAT all about?

suki44883

Any time we exert our independence or take steps to protect ourselves, it forces them to recognize the reasons why. Sure, they'll still live in denial, but they'd really rather not have to even acknowledge that they did anything to cause the crack in the facade of a happy, healthy family. It doesn't really matter what they think of what you have decided to do. They are extremely unhealthy and may never admit or apologize for the harm they have caused you. It's okay though. You are taking care of yourself now.

ACOAHappyNow

Thank you so much, that makes sense! It's almost surreal how hard they try to keep me in the family. My sister tracked me down via the Red Cross when I was in the Army and tried to get away the first time. She basically was successful in guilting me back into occasional contact with the family.

I hope I will be strong enough now to just walk away without being caught up in the web of guilt.

Thank you again.

NAH1203

Gosh, I feel like I am alone until I read what others are going through. My cousin does this to me. KNows I don't want to be around my mother for numerous reasons, but yet invites me to Christmas at her house and my mom is going to be there. Like they try to set me up. Now the talk of the family is what's wrong with me that I am not there for my mom. How horible I am. I know I am not a bad person. I know they are all toxic and enablers, but the guilt is there, and will always be there. It seems so textbook when you see people in the same situation and the addicts do the same business to the ones they love too.

ACOAHappyNow

Yes, it really does help to see the patterns are always the same - to know we aren't the crazy ones in what we are seeing. We have the right to protect ourselves from ongoing harm!

tromboneliness

Hey, if it were possible to just hit the Delete key, erase the past, forget it, and move on, don't they think we'd have DONE IT A LONG TIME AGO?

My sister is like th... actually, no -- she's worse. She doesn't even own up to what happened in the past (no molestation or anything, just a dysfunctional family characterized by alcoholism and severe mental illness), insisting that we had this Norman Rockwell childhood.

Well, she can keep waxing nostalgic about the wonderful past that never was -- fine, be my guest. I'm working on this stuff, and starting to understand how I got here and why. That's the only way to handle it.

As for my extended family -- I hate to sound like a broken record here, but... -- there is no law that says we have to answer, when they call! I pretty much avoid them, with the exception of a few people who get it. The ones who don't, sayonara.

T

dollydo

No, you are not wrong or bad.

Your sister is in big time denial. I have a problem with titles, because one is a pastor, a therapist, a social worker does not mean that they can apply their acquired knowledge on a personal level. Im many cases, personally, they are more screwed up than the people they are attempting to guide.

This is your life, your well-being, do what's best for you. If others don't like it...I say...
Tough Dingleberries.

Willybluedog

Your name says it all, that's what they want from you, just be happy now, they want you to pretend to be a "stepford wife" shut off all your emotions and you know that me be ok for them but you are not "them" and you don't have to act like them or react like they would like you to.

When everything is stripped away what do you owe "you"?

IMO the only thing you owe you is to be able to look yourself in the mirror.

For me that means being true to myself.

I am not going to eat my pain anymore.

I am not going to just go along to get along anymore.

I am not going to just smile and nod at my abusers.

And I am certainly not going to let other people tell me how I should act toward or feel about those abusers.

And under no circumstances will those people have access to my children!

I no longer apologize for being victimized by those who were bigger and stronger at the time of my abuse, I know now that they are all sick, some are weak, and some are evil but none of that matters, why, because I believe God (or Allah, Yahweh, Great Spirit, Higher Power or whatever one chooses to refer to it as) gave us a brain and common sense, and if we choose not to use that common sense (knowing all we know now) then we probably will fail ourselves, our spouses, and our children.

Please stay strong, I will be here every day for you if it will help you stay strong but please don't buy their snake oil, what they are selling you is fake balm for your wounds.

You know in your heart what's the right thing to do, the question is can you do it, and do you want to?

Peace be with you,

B

ACOAHappyNow

Thank you so much! My sister wrote me an e-mail about Joseph forgiving his brothers. I wrote back that I forgive my family but do not want to be exposed any longer to their craziness and harm and if she didn't understand that, too bad for her.

Thank you.

Willybluedog

Happynow, I am so proud of you!

ACOAHappyNow

Thank you.

("And also with you") reply to "peace be with you"

dbh

My sister and I have had a strange codependent dance for most of our lives. We would always look at each other and feel like we knew what the other "should" do. It wasn't our fault, we were brought up in a family that spent a lot of time and energy talking about what others should be doing.

Our father was an alcoholic and we both have been affected by this, but I've come to accept that neither of us is "right" in the way that we attempt to cope with and process our childhood.

Years ago, I found the need to distance myself from my father. I was pregnant and he started calling me drunk in the middle of the night to tell me how much he loved me. I found the stress to be too much and didn't talk to him for about two years. During this time my sister berated me for abandoning our father. She couldn't understand how I could be so mean.

Fast forward five years ... my father needed to be placed in a nursing home and I was at a place in my life were I found that I was able to help. It wasn't easy, but I did what I could.

Guess what ... my sister then decided that she had enough of my father and couldn't understand how I could help this man who had caused so much suffering in our lives!

This is why I no longer try to please members of my family of origin!

I think sometimes we can forgive and sometimes we can't. Sometimes we can set appropriate boundaries and keep people in our lives and other times people are just too toxic. Each one of us has to decided what is right for us and what's right might actually change over time.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

ACOAHappyNow

Thank you so much for sharing this story! It helped me a lot and I bet lots of other people reading have been helped too. It's pretty hard, all these issues. I guess that's why it's so good we can help each other!

Symmetry

I am so happy for everyone who is able to come to this conclusion.

I know from the depths of my heart that I have done what I could to help and heal my relationships with my family. And just like so many have said; I am treated like I'm the one with problems! What did those people ever do for me in the first place? I am certainly not missing out by not having them in my life now. Especially my children!!!

Some questions I do sit with quite often: When it's time, how do I help my mother transition in to old age? What if she needs help, at all with anything ever? (she's only in her 50's). What if my brother comes knocking on my door starving and frost bitten? If I choose not to help is that the same as renouncing them? Have I renounced my family?

I pretty much just ignore them. Answer phone calls now and again but absolutely do not seek them out. Thanks for letting me share on your thread. It's amazing the damage adults cause children. Just sick and unforgiveable. Especially when the perpetrators are unwilling to help in the healing process.

EveningRose

If they're still doing it, it's not in the past.

I am quite comfortable with my decision to stay away from my family (it's not easy for several reasons, but I myself am at peace with my choice and believe I'm doing the right thing, really the only sane thing) because I did forgive and let go of the past a couple of times when they seemed to be playing nice.

Like others, my family has pushed to get me back in the circle and after some of the things they've said to me about how difficult and annoying I (supposedly) am, and how they get so stressed out being around my kids, all I can say is, now they have peaceful holidays free of my annoying-ness and all the things they've told me they dislike about me, so why are they still not happy?

Kialua

Hi, good for you. She seriously misquoted that whole story. For one thing Joseph's brothers felt terrible for what they did to Joseph and thought God was punishing them for it. That is a big difference. Second, Joseph forgave them but he didn't eat with them, he sat a table by himself, probably due to his position, but still he wasn't connected with them daily from that point on. When his Dad, who did no wrong, was dying, he didn't even know it until someone else told him about it.

Yes we forgive our family, but no we don't have to be in their craziness to prove it.

dbh

Ugh! I just tried to post a response to this and then lost it because the system was slow.

I just wanted to say that the fear of what I would do when my father got old hung over my head for most of my adult life. I would have nightmares about him coming to my house and ruining my life (he lived 400 miles away from me).

When he couldn't live by himself any longer, he did reach out to my sister and me. I was so angry at first. The nerve of him asking for help when he had been such an awful father!

I took it one day at a time though and did what I felt capable of doing along the way. At one point, I was thinking of moving him to my state so I could keep a closer eye on him. However, the thought of having him close threw me into panic attacks so I didn't pursue that option.

With the help of a cousin, we eventually got him into a medicaid assisted nursing home. I spent more time with him his final three years that I had in a long time. He was no longer drinking and it actually helped me see him and his life in a different light. It turned out to be healing for me.

If he was still drinking or still abusive, I would have had to protect myself first.

I think dealing with elderly parents is difficult and adding on an abusive childhood makes it even worse.

Thanks for letting me share.

db