AlleyKatt22

Back in July my AH went to detox for the 2nd time in a year. He talked a big game like always but I knew it wasnt going to work because just before he checked in he decided he had to "get right" (aka use) so he could focus. Anyways, he has relapsed since then a few times. He believes it to be progress because he's not using everyday. Except on the occasions that he has "slipped", he's done the usual lying and stealing and been the usual cold unfeeling person he is when he uses. I reached my limit the other day after he went out for cigarettes and didnt come back for over an hour and when he came back he had his boundless energy and pin point pupils. He looked me straight in the eyes and said he swears he did nothing. So anyway, I went to work that night and wrote down everything I wanted to say to him and made the decision to separate. Unfortunately because of my job and my schedule, I have no choice but to let him live there (we have 4 kids, 3 are ages 3 and under and I work a rotating schedule that does not work with daycare and i cant afford daycare anyway).

I went home that night after my shift and asked to talk to him. He simply got up and walked away. Normally I would follow him and pester him until we blow up at each other but I'm done wasting my energy and my breathe on him. So I watched a little tv and went to bed. In the morning, I took my note and folded it up, put it in an envelope and left it for him to read. I came home that night and spent time with the kids. Once they went to bed I asked him if he read my note. He said Yup. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything. He said nope. I asked if it even meant anything to him and he walked away. It hurt but deep inside I knew it wouldnt mean anything to him. I was hoping he would magically wake up and "feel" me for once but I knew, just knew it wasn't gonna go that way. We haven't spoken since. He takes care of the kids while I'm at work. He ran out of cigarettes yesterday. I haven't bought him more. He hasn't asked. I'm not going to. Despite the fact that I have to see him everyday, its almost like a weight was lifted now that I have let him go. Its only been a few days but I already feel better. I want to try and get to a meeting (Ive never been) and I might try to go tonight if I can leave work a half an hour or so early. I thought I would let you guys read my note so here it is.

Hey, I'm not really sure where to start with this but I have alot on my mind and I need to get it off my chest. I've tried to talk to you before but nothing I say seems to make a difference. Almost like you just drown me out so I thought maybe if I typed it all out and you saw my words, it would change something. Then again maybe it won't but it worth a try I guess.

Can you believe that almost 4 years ago we were getting ready to walk down the aisle? I remember being so excited and so happy. I couldn't wait to say I do. I couldnt wait to spend forever with you. I always dreamed of us being old and grey, sitting on the porch, holding hands and just taking life in. It was going to be amazing. I felt it in my heart.

I had this amazing little girl growing inside me. A little piece of the both of
us, joined together, who is going to do amazing things in life. That girl will
change the world.

It wasn't to long after she was born that things started to seem off. I spent
alot of time alone. With Madi, but mostly alone. I tried so hard to dismiss
everything. To pretend everything was perfect. That our home was happy but it wasn't. I was (and still am) so lonely. The man I used to do everything with was suddenly do everything with everyone else and I was left standing idly by. Going through the motions.

Then you asked for Leah to stay with us. From that moment on, my life has been one nightmare after the other. Everything that we worked hard for went away. The man I walked to down that aisle to completely disappeared. Everything that happened from that point on has left me broken. I can't move past it. I've tried but everytime I start, it happens again and again. I feel like my life is a lie. Just one big lie after another. The result is me getting left in the dust. Nothing more than a small piece of who I used to be.

I've tried so hard to believe you. To trust you. To get past what has happened but it hasn't stopped. I can't just sit and wait for it to get better because I don't believe that it will anymore. I can't pretend that I have hope for the future, because I don't think I do anymore.

I use to trust you more than I trusted anyone ever before. I don't think I will
ever trust again. I look back it our pictures and think back about the memories, they've all been tainted. For every good memory I have a bad one to match to it. I can't even look at the pictures from Madison's 2nd christmas, because all I think about is how I was working nights, hugely pregnant, and had no sleep and instead of helping me, you left saying you were going to vist Nick and in reality, you were getting high.

When you had the car accident, I came to get my car and I confided in my
supervisor. She told me to run. That things were only going to get worse. I told her that you would never do that to me. That I trusted you and I knew you would never hurt me like that. God I wanted you to prove me right. Boy was I ever wrong.

From the time you started using, your #1 priority became the needle. You
centered your entire life around it and you ran me over in the process. I felt
so out of control. You spent all your time telling me I was crazy. That I was
just a nosy bitch. That I was psycho. Meanwhile, you stole from me. From our children. You pawned your wedding ring. All for your new #1. And there I was, crying. Oh my god, did I ever cry. I cried every night. I cried in the car. The shower. At work. I didn't know what to do. Where to turn. I was so lost.

I tried so hard to support you. I tried to wake you up. To get you to see what you were doing to us. What you were doing to yourself. When I finally found out the truth about what was going on, you begged for a 2nd chance. I tried to support you. Paying for the Methadone clinic. After all that time, struggling, you still continued to lie to me. Money still came up missing. I have a hard time believing you stayed clean, even on the methadone. When you couldn't go to the clinic anymore, instead of coming to me, you shut me out, left me on the sideline. Alone. Scared. Hurt. And you spent all your time figuring out how you could get your next fix. Nearly cleaning out yet another tax return. Leaving us broke in every sense of the word.

I've rearraigned my life through 2 stints in detox. I've been fed every line
from the book. Your exact words to me recently were, "Mark this day because from now on no more. I promise." I don't know why I even believed you but I did. I should have known that you were just telling me what you thought I wanted to hear. Just another line in the book of lies. Whats scary to me is that you actually looked me in the eyes today, with your pin point pupils, and swore you didnt do anything. Then you buzzed around the house attempting to pretend like you interact with us on a regular basis. (when the reality is that you only interact with us when your high. I guess we aren't good enough when your sober).

After all these years, I have learned the clear difference between sober James and high James. Today, it was high James and the end of the line for me. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time. I've been standing in the middle of the room, screaming at the top of my lungs, hoping someone would hear me, only to find myself alone. Waiting. Endlessly waiting for the day that my husband came back. Waiting to find out this wasn't real. That this wasn't my life.

Today, I realized that this really is my life. That all those bad things really
did happened. All those tears were really cried. All this hurt inside of me is
actually there and the person I use to be is gone. There is nothing of me left
to give. I have no more chances in me. I have no support left to give. I have no hope in my heart that you're going to wake up.

Today, I am ok with letting you be who you are going to be. If you choose to be an addict, then I'm not standing in your way. But I'm not going to let you stand in my way anymore. I can't just wait for that day to come. I need to move forward with my life. I need to be happy because if something doesn't change, I'm going to lose my mind. I can't cry anymore. I can't allow you to hurt me anymore and I can't allow it to happen to our children.

With that said from this day forward, I will now consider us to be officially
separated. I know you have nowhere to go and we have no options as to the kids and my work, so I am ok with you staying at the house. I will handle the bills and food, just as I always have. I am not going to support you financially in any other way, though. I have changed all of my pin numbers. I will not leave my money out. I will not buy you things. You will not use the van.

I know you think you have made progress but as long as your using at all, its
only a matter of time before everything landslides. Your already heading down
that path, you're taking money and lying. I need to focus on me. I need to
become someone again. I can't do that with you as long as your continuing those things. This is not easy for me. I love that man I married. I hope maybe someday I will see him again. But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. Prove me wrong. Please God, prove me wrong. But until then, I'm done.


Love,
Me

Kindeyes

AK
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Is there any way to change jobs or shifts in order to be on a schedule that will work with daycare? Do you really want to leave your children with someone who is high? Or who might make the decision that it's ok to take them with him so that he can score?

Separating while he is still living in the home is really not changing anything. If he continues to use, you still have a front row seat to the drama.

gentle hugs
ke

AlleyKatt22

Its not possible to change my job or shifts. (I work for the fire dept and my schedule is 2 days on, 2 days off, 2 nights on, 2 nights off) He can't leave the house if I am not there as he has no vehicle. I wish that I could put him out but I havent been able to come up with a solution to that just yet. I don't have anyone that can watch the kids especially when I have to work the night shift. I'm trying to take steps in the right direction for me though. Even if daycare was an option, I couldnt afford it with a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a newborn. I wish there was another way but I am just not seeing it. I think more so I am learning to separate myself from him and not spend my time just waiting. Maybe its more of a mental thing than anything else. I'm gonna do for me. For the kids. But I'm not gonna do for him again.

NotSoSmart

I understand what you're saying about needing someone to watch your kids. My mom watches my son a lot... except a couple weeks ago she forgot I was going to an Alanon meeting after work and called me up DRUNK wanting to know where I was. How's that for irony!!

Since that day I limit how much she has him but at times its a necessary evil, like when he comes from school there is a 2 hour gap until I get home.

Are there any other shift workers that you've gotten to know well enough to maybe work something out? I'm sure its hard for others to find childcare on that type of schedule. You say he can't go anywhere but addicts are very resourceful when they want a fix. There's nothing to say he doesn't have the dealer make a delivery, or he gets a ride and the kids go along. Not trying to scare you but I've been down the "oh she would never do that while she has my son" delusion. She did.

Here we have a daycare center that caters to people who don't work the traditional 9-5, but again its not cheap... hopefully there will be an out of the box solution for you. Not only for the kids' sake, but so you don't have that "you need me" string between you.

outtolunch

You know addiction is progressive. His need to shoot daily and within the day increases over time. Typically, the heroin addicts life revolves around doing whatever it takes to get the funds to buy more dope and then doing the dope and repeat.

This is the sort of lifestyle that eventually lands most heroin addicts in prison or their grave.

Is this the sort of person you want living in your house and watching over your chidren while you are working your 2 days on?

wellnowwhat

we are only as STUCK as we tell ourselves we are.

Love this!