new guy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2
new guy
Hi new guy here.
I am from a messed up family.I found this forum while doing a search on family skapegoats and found a thread where someone had a link posed to this
Scapegoating - An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame and Shame on One Family Member[/url]
and it sounded like it ws written for me.I am 45 ,married with 2 kids and both my family and my wifes family are both messed up bad.My wife has no connection with her family now for a number of years .My parents and family have been stressing out my wife and kids now for years and its obvious it will never stop.We realize that the way I have been treated my life growing up is now extending to my wife and kids .They are treating my wife and my kids the same they have to me and I can't let it go on.I can't sit back and let them do to my kids what they did to me my whole life.As bad as I want parents and siblings,it is not healthy to be around them.
I was and am the skapegoat of my family.I have one brother who got the red carpet and could do no wrong where I was treated like an outsider,picked on,belittled,lied about .
I wish I could understand it and why it is this way.I do not.I do understand however that it is not me,it is them,no doubt.I do feel like damaged goods,unappreciated,unloved,unwanted.It makes me not trust others and not have friends.Sometimes I wish I was not alive.
I am stressed out every day and cannot find peace.I think I am severly messed up from years of mental abuse and not ever being shown any love or affection.Hopefully Ican better understand things after finding others with similiar situations here.
I am from a messed up family.I found this forum while doing a search on family skapegoats and found a thread where someone had a link posed to this
Scapegoating - An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame and Shame on One Family Member[/url]
and it sounded like it ws written for me.I am 45 ,married with 2 kids and both my family and my wifes family are both messed up bad.My wife has no connection with her family now for a number of years .My parents and family have been stressing out my wife and kids now for years and its obvious it will never stop.We realize that the way I have been treated my life growing up is now extending to my wife and kids .They are treating my wife and my kids the same they have to me and I can't let it go on.I can't sit back and let them do to my kids what they did to me my whole life.As bad as I want parents and siblings,it is not healthy to be around them.
I was and am the skapegoat of my family.I have one brother who got the red carpet and could do no wrong where I was treated like an outsider,picked on,belittled,lied about .
I wish I could understand it and why it is this way.I do not.I do understand however that it is not me,it is them,no doubt.I do feel like damaged goods,unappreciated,unloved,unwanted.It makes me not trust others and not have friends.Sometimes I wish I was not alive.
I am stressed out every day and cannot find peace.I think I am severly messed up from years of mental abuse and not ever being shown any love or affection.Hopefully Ican better understand things after finding others with similiar situations here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
Hello and welcome. I do not have too much in terms of advice for you as I am in a similar situation. I am actively working my way away from my family though. It is a sad reality the day you realize that these people are your family and yet they treat you this way and it seems to make no sense.
I recently lost my mother, a 20yr active alcoholic to suicide after not speaking to her for nearly 2 yrs. My brother (relapsed alcoholic) and stepfather are now pointing the finger at me. It took this tragedy for me to see that I was the "normal" one and that I needed to cut myself off from the abusive behavior. All I can say to you is never feel hopeless as you are with like minded people here where you can get some support.
I recently lost my mother, a 20yr active alcoholic to suicide after not speaking to her for nearly 2 yrs. My brother (relapsed alcoholic) and stepfather are now pointing the finger at me. It took this tragedy for me to see that I was the "normal" one and that I needed to cut myself off from the abusive behavior. All I can say to you is never feel hopeless as you are with like minded people here where you can get some support.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
I have had so many difficulties with my mother that I have had to go no contact twice, once for 4 years, the other for 10 years. My mother is an alcoholic, she is nasty and toxic. Those years I did not speak to her were the happiest, most peaceful years of my adult life.
We reunited 5 years ago, I had strong bounderies in place. If she calls me drunk, I hang up. If she starts on me, I leave. If she is here in my home, I ask her to leave. I no longer excuse or tolerate her bad behavior.
The first thing I would look at are your bounderies, what are they?
I too am the overlooked one, my brother, can do no wrong, he is the choosen one. That is so very common, parents always have favorites, even if they deny it, it is reality.
Garner your own self esteem, it is an inside job. You now how your own family, they must be your priorty, they love you, they respect you, really what does it matter what others think?
Trust? The first step is to trust yourself, your decisions. Start building friendships slowly, many you meet will never be true friends, yet they will be great acquaintances. I have many acquaintances, and maybe two friends, I trust them 100%, they cover my back and I theirs.
Keep posting, read around the entire Family & Friends sections, lots of great infro.
Remember...It's Not So Much The Circumstance You Are Involved In....It's How You Handle It.
I have had so many difficulties with my mother that I have had to go no contact twice, once for 4 years, the other for 10 years. My mother is an alcoholic, she is nasty and toxic. Those years I did not speak to her were the happiest, most peaceful years of my adult life.
We reunited 5 years ago, I had strong bounderies in place. If she calls me drunk, I hang up. If she starts on me, I leave. If she is here in my home, I ask her to leave. I no longer excuse or tolerate her bad behavior.
The first thing I would look at are your bounderies, what are they?
I too am the overlooked one, my brother, can do no wrong, he is the choosen one. That is so very common, parents always have favorites, even if they deny it, it is reality.
Garner your own self esteem, it is an inside job. You now how your own family, they must be your priorty, they love you, they respect you, really what does it matter what others think?
Trust? The first step is to trust yourself, your decisions. Start building friendships slowly, many you meet will never be true friends, yet they will be great acquaintances. I have many acquaintances, and maybe two friends, I trust them 100%, they cover my back and I theirs.
Keep posting, read around the entire Family & Friends sections, lots of great infro.
Remember...It's Not So Much The Circumstance You Are Involved In....It's How You Handle It.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello and welcome,
Please remember above all else your wife and children love you and need you, please think about what losing you would do to them, wrap yourself up in this and use it to repel those in your life who are hurting you and your family.
I got to the point where I just got up and left when they started in on me, it only took a couple of times and then they backed off.
You can do this, if not for yourself then for your family.
Best of luck,
B
Please remember above all else your wife and children love you and need you, please think about what losing you would do to them, wrap yourself up in this and use it to repel those in your life who are hurting you and your family.
I got to the point where I just got up and left when they started in on me, it only took a couple of times and then they backed off.
You can do this, if not for yourself then for your family.
Best of luck,
B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Welcome! I'm sorry for what you are going through and I'm sorry you didn't get a better family. It really sucks to have sick families like ours.
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in protecting yourself and others from the ongoing abuse.
Boy do I ever identify with your post. I was the punching bag in my family really and they sure don't want to let me go, they sure want to keep me tied into the family. Sucks.
You deserve to be happy and healthy and being away from those horrible people is the only way to be happy and healthy.
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in protecting yourself and others from the ongoing abuse.
Boy do I ever identify with your post. I was the punching bag in my family really and they sure don't want to let me go, they sure want to keep me tied into the family. Sucks.
You deserve to be happy and healthy and being away from those horrible people is the only way to be happy and healthy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Welcome Randy!
Just had to say hello from one scapegoat to another :-)
My recovery has taught me to not take the role(s) that I played in my family personally. It wasn't because of anything that I did/didn't do. Most dysfunctional families need a scapegoat and for whatever reason, that role was given to me.
I spent years wondering why - was it because I looked more like my alcoholic father than my siblings? Was it because I was more independent? Was it because I decided to not participate in my family's chaos? I've come to the conclusion that I'll never really know and that it doesn't matter.
Reading about Stephen Karpman's drama triangle helped me. It showed me how my entire family would switch in and out of roles with each other.
Also, I once read that the only way "out" of a dysfunctional family system is through the scapegoat role. The "Golden Child" often stays stuck in the dysfunctional family. So there's a plus.
Reading, posting, and being grateful for the healthy immediate family that I'm creating with my husband has helped me.
Keep coming back.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
Just had to say hello from one scapegoat to another :-)
My recovery has taught me to not take the role(s) that I played in my family personally. It wasn't because of anything that I did/didn't do. Most dysfunctional families need a scapegoat and for whatever reason, that role was given to me.
I spent years wondering why - was it because I looked more like my alcoholic father than my siblings? Was it because I was more independent? Was it because I decided to not participate in my family's chaos? I've come to the conclusion that I'll never really know and that it doesn't matter.
Reading about Stephen Karpman's drama triangle helped me. It showed me how my entire family would switch in and out of roles with each other.
Also, I once read that the only way "out" of a dysfunctional family system is through the scapegoat role. The "Golden Child" often stays stuck in the dysfunctional family. So there's a plus.
Reading, posting, and being grateful for the healthy immediate family that I'm creating with my husband has helped me.
Keep coming back.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2
As sorry I am to hear all of you in such a similiar situation,I am glad to have found someone I can relate with.I didn't think i would or could.I guess just knowing that others deal with the same thing gives me a small sense of normalcy.I am lying here in bed,unable to sleep,feeling like I was alone in my issues ,but I see others actually do have same thing,
Are there more articles on this type of stuff to read?This is the first place I have found where people have the spoken of it.I would really like to learn as much as I can about this as I think it would make me feel better about it and understand better what really is going on and possibly to some extent ,why it is.
How is a skapegoat selected?Out of all the members in our families ,what makes them pick us as the one to cast out and treat different ?
I have problems getting to know people because of heavy trust issues all related to this.I can make small talk but don't like to get personal with people .I know it has to be because of this.If your family treats you in this way,the ones out of everyone that should be there for you,how can I trust strangers or acquaitances to the point to let my guard down?I guess I expect them to do the same to me as my family.Even if I know they really probably won't,I can't get past it and never can really open up to anyone.My wife and 2 kids are really the only people that really truley know me.You guys don't know how valuable you are to me and what I could learn from you all could help me alot.
Would therapy of some type help this?Has anyone tried anything like that?
Are there more articles on this type of stuff to read?This is the first place I have found where people have the spoken of it.I would really like to learn as much as I can about this as I think it would make me feel better about it and understand better what really is going on and possibly to some extent ,why it is.
How is a skapegoat selected?Out of all the members in our families ,what makes them pick us as the one to cast out and treat different ?
I have problems getting to know people because of heavy trust issues all related to this.I can make small talk but don't like to get personal with people .I know it has to be because of this.If your family treats you in this way,the ones out of everyone that should be there for you,how can I trust strangers or acquaitances to the point to let my guard down?I guess I expect them to do the same to me as my family.Even if I know they really probably won't,I can't get past it and never can really open up to anyone.My wife and 2 kids are really the only people that really truley know me.You guys don't know how valuable you are to me and what I could learn from you all could help me alot.
Would therapy of some type help this?Has anyone tried anything like that?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Hi!
Here's what has worked for me, maybe others will add on ...
Going to therapy on and off for over 10 years has helped me a great deal. I have been lucky to have found a number of therapists with background in addiction and dysfunctional families.
In addition to therapy, working on the 12-steps and participating in groups, such as this, has also useful. I started my recovery work in November 2007. The ACA "Big Red Book" and yellow notebook really helped to open my eyes to the generational aspect of addiction and dysfunctional tendencies. These books can be purchased at Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc..
Also in my "recovery bag" are the following book:
All of these are available on amazon.com.
Lastly, I've attended various meetings on and off. Adult Children and Al-Anon meetings with an Adult Children focus. Sharing my story in a room with people that truly understand has been healing.
All these things sort of address the larger issue of the affects of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home, with the dysfunctional family roles being a small part of what is discussed.
Best wishes on your recovery journey!
db
Here's what has worked for me, maybe others will add on ...
Going to therapy on and off for over 10 years has helped me a great deal. I have been lucky to have found a number of therapists with background in addiction and dysfunctional families.
In addition to therapy, working on the 12-steps and participating in groups, such as this, has also useful. I started my recovery work in November 2007. The ACA "Big Red Book" and yellow notebook really helped to open my eyes to the generational aspect of addiction and dysfunctional tendencies. These books can be purchased at Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc..
Also in my "recovery bag" are the following book:
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series)
- Healing a Broken Heart: 12 Steps of Recovery for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Kathleen W.
- Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II by Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc
- Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Rokelle Lerner
All of these are available on amazon.com.
Lastly, I've attended various meetings on and off. Adult Children and Al-Anon meetings with an Adult Children focus. Sharing my story in a room with people that truly understand has been healing.
All these things sort of address the larger issue of the affects of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home, with the dysfunctional family roles being a small part of what is discussed.
Best wishes on your recovery journey!
db
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I just had to add one more thing ...
I did a quick search on "Dysfunction Family Roles" and found a Wikipedia page on "Dysfunctional Family" - Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
If you scroll down to the Children section, they talk about the seven basic roles adopted by children in dysfunctional homes. One is the scapegoat.
Here's what they say about The Scapegoat:
I always thought I was the most emotionally stable person in my family! :-)
Thanks for letting me share.
db
I did a quick search on "Dysfunction Family Roles" and found a Wikipedia page on "Dysfunctional Family" - Dysfunctional family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
If you scroll down to the Children section, they talk about the seven basic roles adopted by children in dysfunctional homes. One is the scapegoat.
Here's what they say about The Scapegoat:
"The Problem Child (also known as the Scapegoat): the child who is blamed for most problems and may be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family."
I always thought I was the most emotionally stable person in my family! :-)
Thanks for letting me share.
db
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
You are well on your way to emotional healing, just reaching out here. It is wise to distance yourself emotionally from your parents. And distance your children physically definitely.
My sibs families and our parents used to get together for holidays and such, until one day our alcoholic Dad was downstairs alone with the little kids. All of a sudden there was a scream and a fight ensued. My Dad has decided to "spank" my brother's son who was 5 years old because "he was a brat". My Dad grabbed him and crushed his little fingers in his hand and yelled at him. This was tactic my Dad would use on my brothers when he would come home drunk and we were sleeping. Well that was it and my brothers told him off royal. The two favorites just couldn't stand it and called my brother a big baby and that his son deserved. Déjà vu. Well that was the last family holiday we ever had and now that boy is 25. My sister still insists that my brother was ridicules and that it was nothing. She tells me to get over it if I ever bring up anything.
It is really best to get out of that life, it changes but can take a long time. Nothing but chaos and your kids don't need that. If you can't do it for you do it for your kids.
Oh I was scapegoat too, no reason for it, just was.
My sibs families and our parents used to get together for holidays and such, until one day our alcoholic Dad was downstairs alone with the little kids. All of a sudden there was a scream and a fight ensued. My Dad has decided to "spank" my brother's son who was 5 years old because "he was a brat". My Dad grabbed him and crushed his little fingers in his hand and yelled at him. This was tactic my Dad would use on my brothers when he would come home drunk and we were sleeping. Well that was it and my brothers told him off royal. The two favorites just couldn't stand it and called my brother a big baby and that his son deserved. Déjà vu. Well that was the last family holiday we ever had and now that boy is 25. My sister still insists that my brother was ridicules and that it was nothing. She tells me to get over it if I ever bring up anything.
It is really best to get out of that life, it changes but can take a long time. Nothing but chaos and your kids don't need that. If you can't do it for you do it for your kids.
Oh I was scapegoat too, no reason for it, just was.
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