seek

The alcoholic that I am thinking about is my grown daughter. I wrote another post that she showed up on my doorstep with a sick dog . . .

She has alienated herself from the family, so we really don't know what is going on, or the extent of it. My grandson lives with her and I see him once a week (he is 18).

When I think of the physical consequences of what she is doing, I have lots of feelings wash over me - repulsion that someone could dishonor their bodies so grossly, disgust - and also just sadness . . . it's hard to comprehend that people can and do allow themselves to sink so low . . .I know this sounds simply like judgment and "taking inventory," but it is really more concern and empathy, mixed with the negative feelings.

I always thought she was just mean and selfish, even narcissistic - now that I know she is alcoholic, I thought she was in recovery (nope) and so felt encouraged by that - now that I have been confronted by her "disease" I am just sickened - praying for her - praying for my grandson (she is very cruel to him and does not provide much for him) . . .

And then I have the judgment that how could people be so stupid - why would anyone think that alcohol could solve their problems - when they link together the fact that they are an alcoholic and booze is causing problems in their lives, why don't they fix it - why don't they ever see the damage they cause to others (I seriously think that even in recovery, they can't possibly know the wake of the damage or the actual impact of their actions on others - I think they just get a vague glimpse of it, but not a true picture because they were drunk so there is no way of really knowing) . . .

Anyway, just venting because there is no one in my family that can hear this so this is the only place I can process my feelings.

yorkiegirl

Hi Seek:

This is the place to vent, let out your feelings and process them. You are among friends who understand. . .

Sending positive vibes your way. . .

seek

Thank you so much, I appreciate it. When my current exposure to the alcoholic happened (on Saturday), I was not expecting to see her so was caught off-guard - then I went into "responsible" mode and must have disengaged a lot from my feelings (I guess that is also "survival" mode) . . .

Today I started thinking and putting some things together - I don't think I can trust my feelings because they are so complex - the other day, I really thought I did not care what happened to her, if I never saw her again, I would be ok with it - and I thought that was very radical - today, the sadness came up . . . just sad that she is seemingly deteriorating. I think of her body - she is so skinny - and all of the physical implications - you nurture your children and nourish them, literally - so they will be healthy and to see someone actively destroy themselves is just unbearable . . .

And I am also worried about my grandson on many levels (what he has suffered, what he is exposed to, what horrible things he has learned and is learning - and I wonder what I should do - I have few resources but I try to supplement for him and I don't even know if it's enough) . . .

And those paragraphs above are the negative feelings, processing, processing. I also "work a program" (just my own at this point - I was in Alanon for six years, but I don't want to define myself exclusively as related to the alcoholic(s) . . . so I do lots of other things . . .EFT, aromatherapy, etc. I pray a lot . . .

So I will continue to pray for my daughter and just take one day at a time and see what I want to do and what I need to do . . .

It is really great to be able to express this stuff to people who know what I am talking about and can actually listen.

Thank you very kindly for listening. It must get old.