Alice917

I'm worried about my roommate?
He sits in front of the television all day everyday and watches tennis. I could leave in the morning and come back in the evening and he'll still be there. Around the time that the sun goes down he takes out his bottle of liquor and drinks for hours unless his bf(who also lives with us) comes home and takes him to the bar. He will go through 2 jugs of Rum per week. He gets occassional angry outbursts when he is drunk and lashes out at me or he just gets very bitter. He has been unemployed since he graduated college in December of last year and he makes minimal attempts to find a job. Sometimes he talks about going back to school for a higher degree but he never follows through with doing anything about it. He has been my friend for several years. We've been through a lot together. He was there for me earlier this year when I was very sick for several months(now when he gets drunk he yells at me for putting him through all that). Now I'm very worried about him and I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him about it but he denies there is a problem and says that there may be something wrong with me, that i don't know him, for thinking there is something wrong with him (although when he is drunk he accuses me and his bf of not caring). What can I do?

suki44883

Is he contributing to the living expenses? Who buys him the alcohol? Have you considered finding a new roommate?

Freedom1990

It sounds like a fairly intolerable situation to me, and I have to ask, why continue to have him as a roommate?

I realize you said you have been friends for years, but as it is, he appears to be contributing nothing to the current situation other than sitting on his butt and drinking.

You didn't cause his alcoholism.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

I would highly recommend checking into Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent book that really opened up my eyes.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better if left untreated.

As it is, the current situation is working for him as he appears to be responsible for only one thing, drinking.

Please do keep posting, and know that you are among friends!

hello-kitty

I'd find new living arrangements and fast. What's your reason for staying in that kind of unhealthy environment?

Alice917

Thank you for all the responses and the suppport! Well his boyfriend(who also lives with us) pays for his rent and his alcohol. There is nothing I can do to remedy that situation because when my roommate gives his bf a hard time about not getting his alcohol/cigarettes/soda or anything else, he gives in. When my roommate is having drunken angry outbursts at me his bf sympathizes with him. I feel like I'm whining here...I don't like to wallow in self-pity especially because my roommates were there for me when I was sick and in the hospital but things have completely changed. I would feel bad leaving because I would be leaving my roommate(the bf) with all 3 shares of the rent...we are in nyc after all

wellnowwhat

I would feel bad leaving because I would be leaving my roommate(the bf) with all 3 shares of the rent...we are in nyc after all

I imagine that when you moved in together that it was not to be forever and ever. Is the lease ending soon? Or can you give reasonable notice so they can find another roommate?

I am guessing, but it sounded like when your roommates were there for you when you were sick, you were accepting of their help. Your friend doesn't seem to want any help, and indeed, you really cannot help him. He must do it for himself. You can still be his friend from afar.

When I help someone, like a sick friend, I help them because I want to help and because they need assistance, and because it feels good to be of genuine help (not the codie kind). I am not gathering points that I intend to redeem later. I don't think they owe me anything down the line.

Good luck!

painterman

Alice, I think if you allow this situation to continue it will really get you down. I don't think guilt regarding the tenancy should enter into it-it's your own wellbeing that is at stake.
If you feel up to helping this guy out of his malaise it could be a very long haul, not to mention the potential conflict with the boyfriend.
You need to be thinking of yourself here.

steve11694

I recall many years ago I shared a flat with an older female roommate. In those days I lacked the alcoholism expertise of this day.

That woman would start to sip a bottomless oversized wine glass after breakfast at the kitchen table and I'd still see her sipping in the late PM before I went to sleep. I didn't think much about it cause I had to work and she wasn't noisy, but I moved out after she called the police to our place to investigate a "small piece of stool" she found on the rear top of toilet seat. She had become ballistic and paranoid because of that. Really, who knows and who cares, she drinks all day and maybe had poor aim in the john, or maybe someone else.

The police were totally and completely amazed at being summoned because of this.


That was my cue to find another place to live.