whatwhat

Hi,
I just found this chat room and I've read some of the posts. I don't feel as alone as I did before reading. My husband DTA is an alcoholic, and unemployed for over two years now. I am starting to feel like I can't continue on this road any longer. He stays home all the time except when taking our 9 year old to and from school. About a year ago he took on two freelance projects. He quit one of those jobs about 8 months ago and tells me he's quitting the second today. He can't focus on anything, because he's drinking all day long. I think that he's addicted to internet porn as well.

We've been married 15 years and every time I've tried to get him to go to rehab, make a change or tell him how he's hurting me and our son, he lashes out at me. He points out everything that's wrong with me. He's become much angrier and caustic in the last three years. I am starting to feel sick on the drive home from work everyday, because I'm afraid of what he'll be like. He doesn't remember anything the next morning. He looks at me like I'm making it up when I mention things that he said to me.

My parents had a bitter divorce when I was 6. They are only just civil to one another after all these years. I have stuck it out, in large part, because of our son. But now, I'm starting to feel afraid about DTA driving him around.
I know my husband doesn't want to change. He wants his alcohol and his porn above all. He doesn't want to work and falls asleep on the couch by 6 in the evening. I don't want my son to think this is how a healthy, responsible man behaves. I need to get out of this situation. I know he will lash out at me with everything he has. He will say terrible things about me to his parents and family. I know I can take it. I just need to figure out how you go through all of it and keep a job and keep your child in school.

I think he is showing signs of memory loss, his hands shake. He's been an alcoholic going on 25 years. I want him to get help, but I know he won't. Because every time I think I've reached him, he quits for a week or two then he's back at it. In the last couple of years, he just doesn't seem to care. He wants his addictions more than anything.

marie1960

So very sorry to hear what you are living. You are so correct when you say "you do not want your son to grow up thinking this is how a healthy man acts"

Only he can choose rehab and recovery. Nothing you do or say will alter his decision. But you can choose to live a life free of this disease for you and your son.

Keep reading and posting, lots of great information on these threads. Sorry for what brings you here, but welcome.................

winnie1202

You need to create the life that you need for you and your son. Taking control will make you feel in control. No, it won't get him in rehab, he has to do that himself but it will make you grab hold of your life again. I am writing this as I am surrounded by paperwork getting organized to speak to a financial attorney later this week. My husband is in rehab now but he has lost the priviledge of participating in decisions. It is his drinking that caused this mess. It is my strength that is needed now to get me and my kids into a new life. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Talk to family, friends, Alanon.

veryregretful

Hi

I'm going through the same thing. My stbxah does not want to stop drinking or pot. I thought I could.help him but throughout all these years I realized I couldn't. I've been married for 20 years and have two 16 year old kids. I have let my kids be subject to his behaviors and I hope that I can now be the mother I should have been.

I have also started the divorce process. I've come here, see a psychologist and this week going to a domestic violence meeting to help me. I know I am not alone.

You are not alone. Talk with people. And if he says he is not going to stop drinking there is not anything you can do. He has to help himself.

You need to take care of you and your son. You two are very important.

Hugs to you.

searchbug

We've been married 15 years and every time I've tried to get him to go to rehab, make a change or tell him how he's hurting me and our son, he lashes out at me. He points out everything that's wrong with me. He's become much angrier and caustic in the last three years. I am starting to feel sick on the drive home from work everyday, because I'm afraid of what he'll be like. He doesn't remember anything the next morning. He looks at me like I'm making it up when I mention things that he said to me.


Hi...I just got here yesterday, so I am feeling pretty new as well.
The thing that jumps out for me is HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING THE NEXT MORNING.
I'm not married to the guy, but this is so much of our fights. When drunk, he seems oblivious to what is being said, but of course..then I am at fault, if I am "hurt" by what (in his mind) was never said at all. Then he retaliates.
Reminds me of "gasligh"ing" which came from a movie, where they were deliberately trying to drive the woman crazy by dimming the lights...then when she spoke out, they denied there had been any change in anything.
I'm used to solving issues with logic and reasoning. With my b'friend...those are alien concepts. I am learning here that this is standard operating procedure.
Hope you feel some relief here..although it seems ironic to phrase it quite like that. Validation is more the right word perhaps.

veryregretful

My stbxah is oblivious to what he is saying while.drinking. then asks me why i am upset the next morning. Eventually I stopped engaging in hia behavior. Now that I am doimg that his manipulation os worse. Trying to make me feel bad. And blaming me even more.

I have basically stopped.contact with him as he is staying in the basement till i can have him court ordered to vacate.

Please take.care of you. If they wanted help they would go get it.

This disease affects everyone around them. Please take care.