chelsey00

I need some advice...

My boyfriend has been battling his addiction to heroin and opiates for almost 7 years, I started dating him about a year 1/2 ago and he was clean. He got back into it around 4 months after we met (percocets mainly, then oxy) Until about 5 or 6 months ago he started working at an auto mechanic shop and I recently found out he and a coworker were smoking heroin everyday at work. His family and friends did an intervention, he went to detox for 2 days and used right when he got out. I broke up with him and after a couple days took him back because I wanted to give him one more chance after giving him a chance to see that I am serious about it. He has been clean for four weeks and we've been sooo happy and he's like a different person, but yesterday I came home from being out of town for the night and he wasnt at home (he said he was going to walk to the mall to get something to eat and he was gone 2 hours, later said he ran into an old friend from high school). Anyways, he came home and looked high. He said he took TWO of his suboxones (which he is prescribed by his doctor) and he usually only takes 1/2 pill a day, so he said it got him messed up and thats why he looked high. I drug tested him today and it came up positive for opiates and THC (which I know he smokes pot) he says its wrong and he wants to do a hair follicle test to prove to me he didnt use.

My question is, with home drug tests (the one I had tested for meth, amp, cocain, opiates and THC) would suboxones by ANY chance make the test show positive for opiates? Or is he lying straight to my face saying he didn't use? I am thinking the latter, but I don't want to break up with him with any doubt that he used. HELP! What should I do?!

dollydo

Welcome,

Addicts lie, then they lie somemore. It is part of their disease.

Unlike an addict, your gut never lies to you, trust it. He is using, and you proved it to yourself via the drug test. He is attempting to con you. I know that you are smarter than to fall for his manipulation.

In the past 6 months he has only been clean for 2 months, that does not make for recovery.

I can't tell you what to do, however, if it were me, I'd let him go and move forward with my life.

chelsey00

He finally admitted it to me. He was out of suboxones and that is why I think he used. I know I should just leave, but its not that easy. Especially since I have seen the progress he has made, relapses happen. I will not let it overtake my life, and I have a tough decision to make regarding what I am going to do about it. Even if he stays clean for a while, do I really want to live the rest of my life wondering what he is doing when he isn't with me? I dont know, but I am willing to give it more time.

hope213

if he is doing any drugs at all he is not clean. he is going to do his drug if u like it or not. u are wasting your time & your money. he will not get clean until he is ready.
read around, there is nothing u can do for him.

chelsey00

I also think I am in the wrong a little bit. I fly off the handle when I suspect he is using, and I don't let him open up to me or talk to me about it, I just yell and scream and freak out when he denies doing it even though I KNOW HE IS. I think from now on if I suspect it I will deal with it in a more mature way and see if he will admit it and open up to me. And I know addicts lie, trust me he has lied to me many many times.

But my question is, does every person who has battled with a drug addiction a lost cause? If not, I owe it to myself to see this through and try and help, I will know when I have done everything I could, but I feel as though I haven't. I deal with it wrong I feel and that's something I have to work on. I know its not my fault, but sometimes I do blame myself in how I handle the situation.

dollydo

He is an adult, this is his issue to resolve, not yours. Your actions do not make him use.

Honestly, he has made no progress, again 2 months clean out of 6 is not recovery, and what you are calling relapses, is not reality. He is not in recovery, and if you are not in recovery, you cannot relapse.

It is your decision to hang on and pray for a miracle, or move on.

You are codependent, are you attending Alanon or Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.

AlleyKatt22

I'm sorry to be the barer of bad news but you're wasting your time. You can not help him, just like I can't help my heroin addict husband. His addiction is not your problem. Its not your fault. You can not fix it.

He is not clean. He is not going to get clean or stay clean because you want him to. He has to want it and its clear that he does not. He is going to use and he's going to lie and eventually he will steal from you. I have been through it all. The false promises, the bold face lies, and the pain it all brings. Do what you have to do to help yourself. Protect yourself however you can. Don't enable him. Don't center your life around him. He has nothing to offer you because he belongs to the drugs. They are his #1.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find the strength to do what you know you need to do.

chelsey00

I just can't grasp the fact that every drug addict is a lost cause and should lose everyone and everything and just say "oh well, he's on his own"? Or have people around to help give him support. And he does want to get clean, I can tell. He saw that he was about to lose me and everything else in his life and it made him wake up, but I'm sure there are addicts on here that can say how hard it is. I know I need to think of myself, and I am in the long run. I appreciate the advice.

AlleyKatt22

He is not a lost cause. There is hope for him but only if he does it himself. He didn't wake up because he thought he was going to lose you. He used. You stayed. He won. No consequence for his action. It worked perfectly for him. He said everything you needed to hear. You started blaming yourself for freaking out and therefore making it your fault.

Just like kids, addicts need to face the consequences of their actions. You can't save him. But I know how you feel. I want to save my husband. I want him to see what his actions do to us but when he is using, he sees and feels nothing. Be will say what ever he needs to in order to pacify me and make me go away so he can enjoy his high. One important thing I have learned here is the 3 Cs. You can't control it. You did cause it and you can't change it.

laurie6781

Oh boy has he got you blindfolded.

First, no matter what he 'says' he is lying. He will use words to MANIPULATE you into believing he 'really wants recovery.'

When his persistent and prolonged ACTIONS SHOW CHANGE IN HIM then and only then will you know he is on the road to recovery.

He is NOT in recovery. And as to what he has 'said he has used and when' multiply that by at least 10 times and you will be closer to the truth.

YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. Only HE can HELP HIMSELF. Your encouragement? Your love? Posh. Just means he still has someone to manipulate.

Now, those that can help him and will definitely call him on his BS, and yes he is full of BS right now, are others ALREADY CLEAN AND SOBER and living a CLEAN AND SOBER LIFE.

As said above. Work on you. Go to Alanon and/or Naranon, find therapy with an 'addiction specialist' that will understand both sides of the 'throes of addiction', get and read CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and that will be the BEST SUPPORT YOU CAN GIVE HIM.

I do not say this out of meanness. I say this from 30+ years of continuous recovery from drugs and alcohol and from 27+ years of continuous recovery from my codependency issues.

An A has to find his or her own bottom and that bottom is usually NOT 'cushy.' So your A may have a ways to go yet. The sooner an A is allowed to TOTALLY and COMPLETELY start feeling and continue to feel the CONSEQUENCES of their actions, the closer come to their own bottom.

Please keep reading on here, all 'the stickys' at the top of this forum, new and old threads.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

JoySeeker

I was with my ex for 3 years, had a kid with him and loved him. I left when I found out he had graduated to the next level of using. Still to this day he says I am the reason he used/uses. He says I was it when I was with him because I stressed him out and was never good enough, and after I left because I abandoned him and was told I never loved him after all for leaving. He told me that many times. Get out now! Please listen to others on here, they do know what they are talking about from experience. I joined after I had already made the decision and searching for support.

Nightsd

I'm an addict and was addicted to heroin myself for years.

I remember lying to my boyfriend about my use. Everything I ever told him about my use was a lie.

Know this: from my own experience, addicts do not lie because they somehow get a sick pleasure from manipulating others. That simply isn't the case. We lie for one reason, and one reason only, and that is so we could continue to get high.

I felt terrible after I lied to my boyfriend about my use. I felt like the scum of the earth. But I was so incredibly hooked I had convinced myself that living without heroin would have made everything worse.

You see, here's the thing about us "manipulative" addicts. We aren't just lying and manipulating those around us. Were lying and manipulating ourselves. Our addictions are experts at manipulating our own minds so we continue using.

That said, I don't think your boyfriend will be able to stop any time soon. I truly believe that most heroin addicts need to hit a very low bottom before we can stop. Heroin creates in us such a powerful great feeling that it takes an equally low bottom before we truly realize we can no longer use. Most addicts need the immediate decision to quit to be made for them by their circumstances, like homelessness.

Your boyfriend is on the titanic. Whether you want to stay on the sinking ship with him or not is truly up to you. But as long as you don't use and as long as you don't enable him to use you shouldn't be harming him or yourself. You could actually be one of the few positive people in his life. He will never be able to quit for your sake. That is not to make him sound selfish. Most addicts can't even quit for their own sake.

You have to decide for yourself what to do. I've never met either of you. As a recovering addict myself, I don't think I could stay with an addict. The disease is too selfish. As much as he wishes he could, he will not be able to give you the amount of attention he feels he needs to give to heroin right now. Hopefully if you choose to leave him, it will make his descent towards his bottom much faster so he can quit soon.

Addiction is pretty selfish, but not by choice. I have been reading this forum a lot, and a lot of you relatives/spouses of addicts seem to think that we addicts gain some sick pleasure from lying, manipulating, and stealing from you. From my own experience, I hated doing all of those things. And I never do any of those things now that I'm sober. But in my addiction, I truly felt like I didn't even had a choice. I was convinced that if I didn't use I would die, somehow. So please don't demonize us. Addicts are going through our own personal, unique hell that by the grace of god you will never have to experience for yourselves.

dj73

If I could go back and see where I am now, I would not have married my husband and had children with him. I would tell you to get out now, while you can. It's weird how every story is the same. I thought our story was different than other addicts. That we loved each other more, or that our faith was stronger. I realize now that you can't love someone out of addiction.
I wish you the best with whatever decision you make with this relationship.

hello-kitty

Waiting around for a heroin addict to quit using dope probably isn't the WISEST choice for anyone to make. Wouldn't you agree? It's pretty self destructive actually. Like betting on that long shot horse with really bad odds. No one can tell you whether he is a lost cause or not. So you must look at the facts. He is using drugs. He is lying to you.

Is that acceptable? yes? no?

What are your boundaries when it comes to using heroin? Because right now your behavior is telling him it's ok with you that he uses heroin and his behavior is telling you that he is going to keep using.

Base your decisions for your LIFE on reality, not how you hope things or be or whether there is a CHANCE he MIGHT choose to stop lying and get better.

You don't get a second chance at life. This is not a dress rehearsal.

Freedom1990

I refuse to live with someone I have to drug test.

I don't want to be the drug police.

I will say as a long-term recovering addict that wild horses couldn't drag me back to using.

If he's sincere about recovery, he will go to any lengths to get clean and stay clean.

Otherwise he's just paying lip service to you.

LetGoOrBeDragd

I have a friend with a similar story. She decided she would stay w/ AB. Because be was a "recovering" heroin addict. Except he wasn't committed to a program and his family had enough. But hers hadn't!

They took him in, they understood him and made sure that when he effed up, he had a loving and supportive place to go. She adored him!

A few weeks ago she woke up in the morning and found him dead on the bathroom floor. Heroin overdose, of course.

He felt consequences from his family, but not from her and hers. She supported him when he didn't have a job and let him live her instead of being homeless. What reason did he have to change? No reason at all. He was 28.

It's hard for non-addicts to understand that you could really love someone into the grave.

Please take care of yourself- Alanon, Narconon, and the Melody Beattie books are life-savers.

chelsey00

Thank you everyone for your advice and words! I know its staring me straight in the face and I think I realized it's over a long time ago. It's just really hard, hes everything I could ever want in a guy, he treats me with respect, kindness and love (when he isn't using) and I know how great he can be when he is sober and I think that's what I keep holding onto. But I think somewhere deep down inside me I know it will not work. Just got a lot of things to think about before making my decision. We live together, and I don't have a job right now. Our lease is up in October. I think once I get a job and be able to support myself it will be easier to leave. My life is revolving around HIS addiction...always thinking about it, never being able to leave him alone, and its tearing me up. I know what I have to do, it's just a matter of time.

chelsey00

This is what I am worried about most. I can't help but feel like if I leave him, he will go into a deep depression and OD and die. I know I will feel guilty about it and I don't want anything to happen to him. Its a really messed up cycle.

LetGoOrBeDragd

He may die if you leave him. He may die if you don't. It's hard for a newbie to comprehend, but it isn't about you. You don't have that power.

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

It's his choice to make. And frankly, if you gave the guy a choice right now, you or heroin, he'll pick heroin. Oh, he'll tell you it's you- but she's the girlfriend now. And he will tell you anything you want to hear to protect the addiction.

Somewhere out there is a nice guy who is not an addict who will be thrilled to be with you. Go get him.

dollydo

In reality, you do not have the power to stop him from using and you do not have the power to stop him from overdosing.

Whether you are with him or not, he will do what he is going to do. Addicts deflect, they twist everything around, they blame, they attempt to guilt others.

He is a very sick man, and, there is nothing you can do about.

I really do not see anything of a positive nature that he has to offer you, I guess I'll just go with "Love Is Blind".