I need....(long first post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Batavia il
Posts: 19
I need....(long first post)
I'm not sure what I need, to talk, to vent, to cry, a hug. I do know I need to get this out. I've been reading here for a while now and have put off posting because typing on my phone is a PITA but I'm too tired everynight when I get home so bare with me and excuse the iPhone autocorrects.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We both started as drinkers and have fed off each other and built our drinking into problems. For the last 8 months we have been going through other marital and parenting issues and have been seeing a counselor both individually and jointly. For the most part we have resolved or at least addressed the outside issues leaving us with just the relationship to focus on. I have always been stuborn and slow to accept my responsability for my faults and my part in failures. I had thought that my relationship with my wife wad great. It had it's ups and downs like any other but for the most part was great. There are more issues than I had imagined. My wife told me the other day that there have been a lot of problems that she has swept under the rug and covered with alcohol. After hearing that it forced to to acknowledge that I drank so I didn't have to face my shortcomings as a husband and father. In the past she has tried to stop drinking and I told her I would be supportive. At the time that meant I wouldn't ask her to drink with me. God I ****** that up big time. Each time she ended up drinking with me again. Looking back that makes me feel like ****. In the last few months our relationship has been, well rollercoaster is am understatement. Extreme highs to extreme lows at the flip of a switch. Last Thursday I hit rock bottom, major blow up. Things I'm to ashamed to put into words here. (nothing ever physically violent). For my wife that was a breaking point. I'm hoping for me it was a wake up call and a turning point. She took the kids and stayed with a friend. I stayed home and downed half a big bottle of rum. We both had appts with our counselor the next Tuesday. Hers invite morning mine that afternoon. In my appt it was said that I have to focus on my depression and that she needs to focus on her sobriety and that they were "mutually exclusive" problems that we couldn't help each other with. The counselor equated it to 2 people with both legs broken asking each other for help across the room. I asked the counselor if there was anything I could do to not end up in divorce and she suggested reading about al-anon and not to bring anything up to my wife as it would push her further away. I went home from the appt. And talked with my wife. I offered to get rid of all traces of alcohol from the house and promised not to drink or be under the influence in her presence. Then I asked if she had any hope for our futuresnd she told me that she couldn't see a way to go on together. I asked her to hold off making a major decision like that unroll both of us had time to adress our individual problems, clear our heads and let medications be brought to correct dosages. Which brings me here. Being broke I turned to google instead of books and stumbled upon this forum. I started reading in the friends n family section. After a while I started feeling more like the person they were talking about, the drink not the friend. It took me a while to face the fact that my drinking not just my wifes wad a problem. I have gone 1 week now since that half bottle of rum. The first few days were because offering like **** and bring hungover. The next few were because of the promise to my wife. The last few days have been the hardest because they are for me and no one else. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. I feel all alone. As much as I love having a cold beer at the end of the night I love my wife so much more. I'm so scared that I pushed her too far and that it's too late. In the past ad slow as I've been to accept responsibility once I had monumental changes for the good happened. I know there is no way to tell this to my wife except through actions. Show her that I can be sober. That I can handle stress without blowing up. I want to tell her I'm sorry for the way I treated her and for lying inthe past about being supportive of her sobriety. Also for being her biggest trigger. But telling her those things right now will just push her away from me. I can't imagine going through this without her. It kills me knowing she is going through thus AGAIN without my support especially when now I cam truly support her in her quest. I dont know how to move forward. I don't even know if forward is am option any longer.
I'm sorry for the long rant and if I bored you. It does feel good to get this out even if it is only a temporary good feeling.
My shout to the world. I'm sorry baby I hope some day you will let me make this up to you.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We both started as drinkers and have fed off each other and built our drinking into problems. For the last 8 months we have been going through other marital and parenting issues and have been seeing a counselor both individually and jointly. For the most part we have resolved or at least addressed the outside issues leaving us with just the relationship to focus on. I have always been stuborn and slow to accept my responsability for my faults and my part in failures. I had thought that my relationship with my wife wad great. It had it's ups and downs like any other but for the most part was great. There are more issues than I had imagined. My wife told me the other day that there have been a lot of problems that she has swept under the rug and covered with alcohol. After hearing that it forced to to acknowledge that I drank so I didn't have to face my shortcomings as a husband and father. In the past she has tried to stop drinking and I told her I would be supportive. At the time that meant I wouldn't ask her to drink with me. God I ****** that up big time. Each time she ended up drinking with me again. Looking back that makes me feel like ****. In the last few months our relationship has been, well rollercoaster is am understatement. Extreme highs to extreme lows at the flip of a switch. Last Thursday I hit rock bottom, major blow up. Things I'm to ashamed to put into words here. (nothing ever physically violent). For my wife that was a breaking point. I'm hoping for me it was a wake up call and a turning point. She took the kids and stayed with a friend. I stayed home and downed half a big bottle of rum. We both had appts with our counselor the next Tuesday. Hers invite morning mine that afternoon. In my appt it was said that I have to focus on my depression and that she needs to focus on her sobriety and that they were "mutually exclusive" problems that we couldn't help each other with. The counselor equated it to 2 people with both legs broken asking each other for help across the room. I asked the counselor if there was anything I could do to not end up in divorce and she suggested reading about al-anon and not to bring anything up to my wife as it would push her further away. I went home from the appt. And talked with my wife. I offered to get rid of all traces of alcohol from the house and promised not to drink or be under the influence in her presence. Then I asked if she had any hope for our futuresnd she told me that she couldn't see a way to go on together. I asked her to hold off making a major decision like that unroll both of us had time to adress our individual problems, clear our heads and let medications be brought to correct dosages. Which brings me here. Being broke I turned to google instead of books and stumbled upon this forum. I started reading in the friends n family section. After a while I started feeling more like the person they were talking about, the drink not the friend. It took me a while to face the fact that my drinking not just my wifes wad a problem. I have gone 1 week now since that half bottle of rum. The first few days were because offering like **** and bring hungover. The next few were because of the promise to my wife. The last few days have been the hardest because they are for me and no one else. I don't know how I'm going to manage this. I feel all alone. As much as I love having a cold beer at the end of the night I love my wife so much more. I'm so scared that I pushed her too far and that it's too late. In the past ad slow as I've been to accept responsibility once I had monumental changes for the good happened. I know there is no way to tell this to my wife except through actions. Show her that I can be sober. That I can handle stress without blowing up. I want to tell her I'm sorry for the way I treated her and for lying inthe past about being supportive of her sobriety. Also for being her biggest trigger. But telling her those things right now will just push her away from me. I can't imagine going through this without her. It kills me knowing she is going through thus AGAIN without my support especially when now I cam truly support her in her quest. I dont know how to move forward. I don't even know if forward is am option any longer.
I'm sorry for the long rant and if I bored you. It does feel good to get this out even if it is only a temporary good feeling.
My shout to the world. I'm sorry baby I hope some day you will let me make this up to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 54
HH, I don't have a lot to offer as I am also pretty new here, but the people here are very supportive. If you are looking to stop drinking, you have come to the right place for help.
Hope things start to look up for you and your family!!
Carla
Hope things start to look up for you and your family!!
Carla
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
dear friend,
i hope you feel some comfort from having us here to listen
our stories may differ,
but pain & helplessness has humbled us also--
making us reach out for help, as you now do.
finding this human comfort & advice is wonderful,
but don't neglect the need in your spirit man, for God.
only His comfort & guidance is infallible & unfailing.
i encourage you to find the forgiveness He has for you,
then go on to find the real relationship that He wants to have with you.
that will give you the foundation for success & permanent Peace.
things are never perfect on this earth, but without God there is only one crisis after another.
that's not God's best 4 us.
explore God's Love 4 you, He has no demands...
all His demands were met by Jesus Christ alone 2000 yrs ago.
start there, & stay there as long as necessary.
there's no rush...we have eternity
i hope you feel some comfort from having us here to listen
our stories may differ,
but pain & helplessness has humbled us also--
making us reach out for help, as you now do.
finding this human comfort & advice is wonderful,
but don't neglect the need in your spirit man, for God.
only His comfort & guidance is infallible & unfailing.
i encourage you to find the forgiveness He has for you,
then go on to find the real relationship that He wants to have with you.
that will give you the foundation for success & permanent Peace.
things are never perfect on this earth, but without God there is only one crisis after another.
that's not God's best 4 us.
explore God's Love 4 you, He has no demands...
all His demands were met by Jesus Christ alone 2000 yrs ago.
start there, & stay there as long as necessary.
there's no rush...we have eternity
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Hopeful -
It's obvious that you really care about your wife and your marriage, and I admire you for being able to look at your own problems. It's hard to change a relationship without change in the individual parties.
Just getting rid of the alcohol is going to change things. She's probably going to need lots of space to do that (if she's even willing). Recovery takes a lot of internal work (as well as action, getting support etc.). It can seem overwhelming just to get through the day without a drink, much less deal with problems and relationships. Even a question or word of support could be interpreted by her as pressure simply because everything is overwhelming. Does that make sense?
That's my two cents anyway, based on how I felt when I first got sober. Give it time..... if she wants to talk, listen...... and put yourself and your own recovery first and foremost.
Glad you're here!
It's obvious that you really care about your wife and your marriage, and I admire you for being able to look at your own problems. It's hard to change a relationship without change in the individual parties.
Just getting rid of the alcohol is going to change things. She's probably going to need lots of space to do that (if she's even willing). Recovery takes a lot of internal work (as well as action, getting support etc.). It can seem overwhelming just to get through the day without a drink, much less deal with problems and relationships. Even a question or word of support could be interpreted by her as pressure simply because everything is overwhelming. Does that make sense?
That's my two cents anyway, based on how I felt when I first got sober. Give it time..... if she wants to talk, listen...... and put yourself and your own recovery first and foremost.
Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Shawnee, KS
Posts: 8
Hopeful Husband
I can feel your pain reading through your story. The best advice I can give you is that you have to give yourself a lot of tough love and it is not going to be easy. If you truly want to keep your family intact it is going to take a drill sergeant approach to your problems. You have to put your emotions/feelings aside and have to do genuine work. If you honestly do this your problems will slowly take care of themselves. This is not what you want to hear I know. Hold on to your sobriety like it is the only thing that matters. You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. Let your wife know how sorry you are for the damage drinking has done. Since she is a drinker also she probably has a lot of the same feelings that you are having. Actions are the only thing that will prove to her. Get in shape, get your financial house in order whatever to work on yourself first. Most importantly stay sober or its all a waste and before you know it you will be living in a apartment by yourself without a family feeling like the walls are caving in. Only you are responsible for this. not your wife, kids, etc. IF you do this you will be proud of yourself and your wife will SEE the improvemetns and all her doubts will be answered. Now go out and do it, its your life!!! I will pray for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Batavia il
Posts: 19
Thank you all for your insights. I was actually afraid to check back on this thinking I'd have a bunch of responses saying man you screwed up. It's hopeless move on and let her live her life. I don't know why, I haven't seen anyone else get that. I guess your own problems always seem worse than everyone elses. My counselor gave me the number to a place to get an evaluation and get info about local support. I was really hoping my wife would go with me for support during the eval. But I know I cannot do this on willpower alone. I'm going to have to go it alone or I know I'll end up at a bar in the next day or so. I will keep checking back here and hopefully I will be able to really join in on this community soon. It seems like a lot of you are helped by it. I'm sorry for the self-pity party as this all hit about 2 months after going to the doc for help with depression. I hope getting sober can be the first step in turning all of the things around that have seemed to fall apart on me lately.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
when my drinking made me into a depressed woman...my doctor
told me to abstain and get connected to the local recovery program
of Alcoholics Anonymous.....
I did and it was the wisest move I ever made...I'm still an active member
years later. My life dramatically changed for the better.
All my vest to you and your family as you move into a sober life.
Welcome to SR...
told me to abstain and get connected to the local recovery program
of Alcoholics Anonymous.....
I did and it was the wisest move I ever made...I'm still an active member
years later. My life dramatically changed for the better.
All my vest to you and your family as you move into a sober life.
Welcome to SR...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome!
There is no need to apologize for feeling self-pity. Most of us have been in similiar situations and self-pity is one of the many emotions that you go through. It sounds like you have reached a point where you know that a major change is needed. It's great that you have talked to your dr about your depression, that you're getting counselling and that you are stopping drinking.
I do understand how stressed you are feeling about your marriage. My marriage was very shakey when I stopped drinking and I desperately wanted to fix things with my husband and children and I wanted it to happen immediately. It didn't. I had to learn to be patient and it was SO hard. I had to learn to let go of expectations and focus on healing myself. I hope things work out for you and your wife, but try to be patient, go slowly and focus on healing yourself.
There is no need to apologize for feeling self-pity. Most of us have been in similiar situations and self-pity is one of the many emotions that you go through. It sounds like you have reached a point where you know that a major change is needed. It's great that you have talked to your dr about your depression, that you're getting counselling and that you are stopping drinking.
I do understand how stressed you are feeling about your marriage. My marriage was very shakey when I stopped drinking and I desperately wanted to fix things with my husband and children and I wanted it to happen immediately. It didn't. I had to learn to be patient and it was SO hard. I had to learn to let go of expectations and focus on healing myself. I hope things work out for you and your wife, but try to be patient, go slowly and focus on healing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Wow, I read this forum every morning as part of my recovery program.
I use to post more but I am beginning to post less as I don't know what else to say to people but get a program that works and get sober. When I read the posts I do really feel for people and what they are going through.
It seems to me that alcohol is a major part of your marital problems and the depression may be due in part to your drinking.
All the best
CaiHong
I use to post more but I am beginning to post less as I don't know what else to say to people but get a program that works and get sober. When I read the posts I do really feel for people and what they are going through.
It seems to me that alcohol is a major part of your marital problems and the depression may be due in part to your drinking.
All the best
CaiHong
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi HopefulHusband
Welcome.
Great advice here
I damaged almost every one of my relationships over 20 years, so believe me, I know at least a little of how you feel.
In fact I think a lot of us have been where you are, so no judgement here
For me, even tho I wanted to fix everything right away, I had to learn to let go of expectations...I didn't set the timetable for others to deal with their stuff, or for when they'd forgive me for my stuff or not...
All I could do was to focus on getting well and getting myself together...
I hoped for the best, but I knew whatever happened I'd be in the best place for my own well being if I was sober.
D
Welcome.
Great advice here
I damaged almost every one of my relationships over 20 years, so believe me, I know at least a little of how you feel.
In fact I think a lot of us have been where you are, so no judgement here
For me, even tho I wanted to fix everything right away, I had to learn to let go of expectations...I didn't set the timetable for others to deal with their stuff, or for when they'd forgive me for my stuff or not...
All I could do was to focus on getting well and getting myself together...
I hoped for the best, but I knew whatever happened I'd be in the best place for my own well being if I was sober.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Hi Hopeful! Welcome!!
I definitely feel for ya... the marital thing is tricky no matter what and when you add the alcohol itself in or take it out after years of drinking, things only get trickier. My husband is not a big drinker... he really enjoys beer, but he never gets drunk or anything. I, on the other hand, have gotten drunk every single night for the past 6 years (with the exception of the past 3 SOBER months I've had!) It caused all kinds of problems for us. I'm not sure what kinds of things you said to your wife, but I'm sure I've said equally as bad. Things have come out of my mouth to my husband that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Anyway.... for as bad as things were while I was drinking, and as big a problem that my husband had with it, I kind of assumed that when I quit, he would be so happy and encouraging. It has taken me awhile to learn that it's not up to him to help me out with this-- it's not his responsiblity. He has his own issues to deal with, and I have mine. I'm still learning how to let go of my expectations.
SR has been a life saver for me, and I hope that you will keep coming back here. There are amazing people here. I have come on here with liquor staring me in the face and wanting to take that first drink; people here gave me the strength to say no. I have asked questions about how to deal with my husband. The best advice I got was to deal with my own issues, let him deal with his, lower my expectations, and to love myself first. Anna helped me a lot when she made me realize that things will probably never be the same as they used to be with my husband, and that that was ok. By her saying that, it made me give up on the desperation I had to get things back to how they used to be. And now my husband and I are slowly creating a new kind of normal.
I would just encourage you to focus on yourself for awhile and let your wife focus on herself. I think it's great that you're dealing with your depression (something I also deal with) and seeing someone about all of this. Just keep doing what you're doing. Hopefully you and your wife will come together again.
I hope to hear more about how things are going for you!!
Welcome!!I definitely feel for ya... the marital thing is tricky no matter what and when you add the alcohol itself in or take it out after years of drinking, things only get trickier. My husband is not a big drinker... he really enjoys beer, but he never gets drunk or anything. I, on the other hand, have gotten drunk every single night for the past 6 years (with the exception of the past 3 SOBER months I've had!) It caused all kinds of problems for us. I'm not sure what kinds of things you said to your wife, but I'm sure I've said equally as bad. Things have come out of my mouth to my husband that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Anyway.... for as bad as things were while I was drinking, and as big a problem that my husband had with it, I kind of assumed that when I quit, he would be so happy and encouraging. It has taken me awhile to learn that it's not up to him to help me out with this-- it's not his responsiblity. He has his own issues to deal with, and I have mine. I'm still learning how to let go of my expectations.
SR has been a life saver for me, and I hope that you will keep coming back here. There are amazing people here. I have come on here with liquor staring me in the face and wanting to take that first drink; people here gave me the strength to say no. I have asked questions about how to deal with my husband. The best advice I got was to deal with my own issues, let him deal with his, lower my expectations, and to love myself first. Anna helped me a lot when she made me realize that things will probably never be the same as they used to be with my husband, and that that was ok. By her saying that, it made me give up on the desperation I had to get things back to how they used to be. And now my husband and I are slowly creating a new kind of normal.
I would just encourage you to focus on yourself for awhile and let your wife focus on herself. I think it's great that you're dealing with your depression (something I also deal with) and seeing someone about all of this. Just keep doing what you're doing. Hopefully you and your wife will come together again.
I hope to hear more about how things are going for you!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
