ADaisyifyoudo

96 days. I made it through 15, 30, 60, everyone kept saying it gets better. Well, I am sure ready to stop feeling so down and blue. I feel like I am trying everything - AA meetings, regular exercise, eating whole foods, talk therapy, expensive integrative psychiatrist, talking to friends and family and asking for support. . .and still I am waking up and crying into my pillow because I don't feel like I truly deserve anyone's love and support.

That guy I keep calling my husband? Not actually. He won't marry me. I've asked a bunch of times over the decade we've been together. But, you know, it's him, not me, right? Hah. It's me. And it's certainly pathetic that even to a bunch of strangers here I feel like I need to put up some kind of facade and lie about what he is to me.

My therapist, plus a bunch of folks at AA keep telling me to be nice/kind to myself. I don't even know what that means. I just feel like crap. And honestly, I don't even feel like getting drunk. I'm too bummed out for that to feel like any fun at all, and I certainly don't want to be drunk crying my ass off. I just want to crawl in a hole. I can actually manage to function fine during the weekdays when there's lots to do and I can fill up the time with work, chores, etc. It's when I have a bunch of time to myself that the walls kind of crash in on me.

I'll go for a run in a little bit if I can get my ass out the door, they've been going pretty well lately, at least it doesn't hurt like hell anymore, and maybe take my daughter to the climbing gym later. No doubt once I start doing something (anything) my mood will improve. But Jesus, really, how long do I have to feel like this? What have I done to myself? Will this ever get better?

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. One thing I wondered is this - have you considered that might be depressed and should talk to your dr about it? It sounds like you're doing really well with your plan, but you're stuck with some difficult issues. Maybe this is the first time that you really accepted that your 'husband' will not marry you. Maybe the full force of those words and thoughts is hitting you right now. If that's so, then you can get through it, even though it hurts so much.

As far as liking/loving yourself, I had to learn how to do that too. One thing that helped me, was to notice that I found something positive and kind to say about everyone in my life, but I never had any kind words for myself.

LoftyIdeals

Daisy...I tend to get depressed, which puts me directly in the pity pot. Not saying that's where you are, but it's a self-feeding cycle. I hope your run changes the mindset. I know you are not talking about just today, but throughout your sobriety. Now 29 days sober, I am waking up to the ruins I made of my life, and am overwhelmed by how far behind I am in every facet of life. That alone is depressing to me. I also am seriously questioning whether I can "fix" many relationships, or if I have to just apologize and move on. Some of those relationships are very close to me. It sucks.

I don't pretend to know what's right for you; I don't even know what's right for me. And, I don't kid myself that life will be a bed of roses in sobriety.

But, this I know. If you persist in sobriety, life will improve. How quickly or slowly? Some of that is up to us, some not. I commend you for your honesty regarding your boyfriend. That's a move forward, I'm sure. I hope you'll become to feel comfortable about the rigorous honesty sobriety commands for your own good. It's hard, I know, but you can do it.

sugarbear1

Get a sponsor and start working the aa program. Everything does change. Tell sponsor you don't know how to be nice to yourself. You aren't alone. We've been where you are. Best wishes!