Don't know what to believe..(new)

Old 09-03-2011, 03:19 PM
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Don't know what to believe..(new)

Am trying to post something, after 2-3 days of poring through old posts and stickies. I probably have it "better" than some here, since my issue is a newish relationship and not a marriage of many years.
It does not stop the hurting.
I have been with my alcoholic bf for a few months. Both of us are in our 60s, so on some level, it seemed like "let's enjoy what we can, since who knows how long we get to enjoy it". Shortly after we started seeing each other, I became aware of his history which was drugs (many years back) and today, beer. At first, he declared that I was worth the effort it might take to cut way back and maybe even quit. I drink occasionally, like a glass or two of wine with dinner. I supposed he really tried for a few weeks, but it was clear that it was a real struggle. In the meantime, I pushed aside my fears, and wanted to trust the possibility of his really loving ME and a future for us both. My bad.
So..here I am. Needless to say, it reached the couple of times on a weekend where he went from a couple of drinks to too many. And when THAT happened, I ceased to exist. He was in his own world and focused only on his thinking and talking. When I got upset at this behavior...I was the bad guy. And of course, he had NO IDEA why anyone would be mad at him.
And the punishment for standing up for myself...was to ignore me for the rest of the weekend. It happened again last weekend, only that time, it involved his ex (who is 10 times the alcoholic he is) who came by, to cry on his shoulder, and (of course) share an evening of unlimited drinking, on his dime..and ruining the evening that I thought WE had planned for each other.
I tried being civil. It was 3 solid hours of them reminiscing about "old times". Except, the old times was all about booze, drugs, people getting arrested for intoxication, sharing booze/pot with teenagers (and seeing nothing wrong with that!!). Falling down on the floor at a supermarket.. peeing in the pharmacy drive through because she could not "make it" to the store bathroom. Being homeless and sleeping under a bridge.
That does not include her taking over HIS kitchen, to cook dinner for him (food that I had bought and was willing to share). And it was clear that, among all of it, she could care less if she caused problems for us, and destroyed our relationship...so she could hit on him.
He was completely oblivious to all of it. The best he did at one point..was to tell me I COULD TURN ON THE TV.
I didn't make a scene. I simply decided I couldn't take any more and left.
We had plans for the next day. He didn't call. I was back on the blame list for what he later told me, I left for "some stupid reason". That was during the 5 minutes he gave me, after I called and asked him to come up to my apt.
Other than those 5 minutes..I have been totally ignored. He told me he would call. Hasn't done that. No effort to talk it out.
I've tried to not loose my mind totally, but it is hard. I CHOSE to love him, CHOSE to think we had something worth working for. CHOSE to believe that he really cared about me.
After reading for hours, I think I know the answer. I don't think I deserve being dumped like this. It seems (to me) that admitting how badly he hurt me, would rip off the cover of denial that the drinking doesn't hurt anyone, and he is "always the good guy". It rips me in two, that I thought he meant what he told me...and maybe, on some level, he DID mean it.
I NEED HELP TO SORT THROUGH IT ALL, AND SURVIVE, AND YOU ALL ARE MY ONLY HOPE.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:34 PM
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You stated in your post that you are both in your 60s, correct?

In 2016, you will be 5 years older than you are now.

Do you want to look back on those years as a time you spent chasing after a man who is hooked on his ex, enslaved to his addictions, emotionally distant and just an all-around ass?

Or would you rather look back on those years as a time you learned about yourself, picked up a new hobby, traveled someplace new, enjoyed your serenity and got well and whole?

I don't think the former is how you want to spend your future. If you truly believe in "enjoy it while you can" then spend it in the best way you know how. Chasing after an alcoholic isn't it.

You probably don't deserve to be dumped. Many people don't. But this is probably a blessing in disguise. IMHO, you are better off alone and hopeful than paired up and totally miserable.

Let him go. He already has a girlfriend and her name is Alcohol.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:59 PM
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I am 64 years young. I will not waste one more moment of my life with an alcoholic, a drug addict or anyone who disrespects or abuses me in any way.

These are called my "Golden Years" and I will do everything in my power to make them as happy, peaceful and productive as possible.

You haven't been together long enough to even know this man, let alone love him. Time to face reality, he is an alcoholic, he doesn't have relationships, he takes prisoners.

Let go, move forward.
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Old 09-03-2011, 04:08 PM
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Sorry to say but your ABF, is an insensitive jerk. You only have a couple of months invested in this relationship, and I know you are feeling hurt, But you do not need this type of turmoil in your life...

At the rate he is going, he is soon to develop some medical issues, and then what? You and his ex wife are going to share the burden of caring for him? Personally, I think they deserve each other. Birds of a feather flock together ............

As you posted, you already know the answer, and I agree, Dump him, let it go. Go forward, you have all the closure you need from this relationship, no need for any additional contact.......... All my best to you
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Old 09-03-2011, 04:14 PM
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I gave away seven years out of my life living in a three some with my AH and alcohol. Don’t do the same. There was a lot of good times that I held on to, but there were more bad. I was naive though. Sure I love my AH, but if I would have known better I wouldn’t have gotten involved, let alone married him.

Make the choice to live happily. It is better that you do not get completely entangled with an active alcoholic, or you will give up years trying to untie the knots that bind you.

Welcome to SR. We are here for you.

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Old 09-03-2011, 04:53 PM
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guess what I am trying to zoom in...
He wants to blame me for the issues, WHEN I THINK it is clear he was a jerk.
And..??
that is pretty much standard operating procedure?
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:10 PM
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Reading throughout here and doing some research it seems almost as if the alcoholic is given a handbook to follow when becoming an alcoholic. They will lie and manipulate all the same in order to justify continueing to drink. Placing blame on others is a manipulation tool that the alcoholic will use in order to make it okay in their mind to drink.
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:12 PM
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Yes, he is a jerk, all active alcoholics are. They deflect, they blame, they will do anything and everything to avoid facing themselves in the mirror, the true reflection that cannot be deflected.
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:53 PM
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Searchbug,

I never felt more alone and isolated than when I was involved with an active alcoholic. Today, I maybe alone but I am not lonely, I fill my days with activities that I enjoy. I surround myself with things I love.

I am no longer being held hostage by this terrible disease. You really are quite fortunate to see your ex in his toxic manner, early in your relationship. Now is your chance to embrace you. take care of you............
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Old 09-03-2011, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I never felt more alone and isolated than when I was involved with an active alcoholic.
This is so true. I spent MOST nights alone in mine and my husband's king sized bed. He passed out almost every night on the couch. It was too empty in the bed or anywhere in the house for that matter. I felt so lonely. I cried myself to sleep a lot. Sometimes I slept with a picture of us together happy. He may have been there physically, but definitely not mentally.

Taking care you is always number one.
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Old 09-03-2011, 06:18 PM
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searchbug

Sadly, an alcoholic will do whatever it takes to defend his addiction from anyone and everyone. As a result, in his mind nothing can be his fault, so he will blame and deflect and project all his failings onto others, professing that it is their fault.
We then feel the need to jump in and defend ourselves, which only keeps us engaged in the alcoholic's manipulation dance, and keeps us riding on that emotional roller coaster.

You won't get him to admit he's in the wrong, because in his mind he is not allowed to be wrong, he has to be right.
That said, there's a very good chance he already knows the answer, and realizes the hurt he is causing... But if you try sticking around and waiting for him to admit it, it's going to be a really long wait.
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Old 09-03-2011, 06:34 PM
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*tears*
yes.. too much, too fast.
I still wish the best for him. I wish it were me.
If that isn't his choice...then I have to accept this.
You ALL are helping, more than you realize. Ok..so, maybe you do realize, which is the point of being here. God, I wish I could walk away and say that this place is not right for me.
And that is denial on my part...
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Old 09-04-2011, 03:15 AM
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I know its really hard to get dumped in this way...but you've had a lucky escape in my opinion.
Forget him and move on. You deserve much better
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:57 AM
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I am 60 and will be 61 in Nov. and I say RUN....don't walk......RUN. Do not waste your time with him or it will be progressive drama, chaos, heartache. I don't care how old he is - if he is an addict/alcoholic he is about 14 yrs. old in the BRAIN.
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Old 09-04-2011, 06:11 AM
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I'm only 41 so I can't say for sure, but I think there are plenty of nice, caring 60-somethings out there who would be happy to have a caring lady like yourself. Don't settle for craziness. Put yourself out there so you can be available for someone nice, someone who is wondering where all the good women are.

It's funny, my best friend is a few years younger than me and still in her 30s and she swears there are no good men left out there at our age. Lol! There are nice people available at any age, in my opinion, but everyone's always worried about being alone. The important thing is filling up your life with other things that fulfill you so you will be happy and fulfilled when the right person comes along.
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Old 09-04-2011, 06:06 PM
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This is slightly off topic, but reading through this made me think of my dad, who is 62 and who is single. He is not an addict and is smart and successful. I bet there are more guys out there like my dad, who's marriage unfortunately ended but more because the connection wasn't right then anything else. Look for someone who is good to you, there are good single men out there who would treat you with respect.

And now I am feeling kind of stupid, I am 26, why am I not telling myself that there are good single men out there who will treat me with respect? Sometimes I want to scream.
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Old 09-04-2011, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Shirt423 View Post
And now I am feeling kind of stupid, I am 26, why am I not telling myself that there are good single men out there who will treat me with respect? Sometimes I want to scream.
It is easier to advice from the outside looking in then from the inside looking out. I am 28 and I naively spent the last 7 out of 10 years of my relationship with an active alcoholic. I would love to scream with you.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:43 PM
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I propose a mutual screamathon... regardless of age, or how long we were "with" them (using the word loosely")
WE WANTED TO BELIEVE...AND WHY IS THAT A BAD THING TO EXPECT??
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Old 09-05-2011, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by searchbug View Post
I propose a mutual screamathon... regardless of age, or how long we were "with" them (using the word loosely")
I am with you on this one...
1... 2... 3...

Originally Posted by searchbug View Post
WE WANTED TO BELIEVE...AND WHY IS THAT A BAD THING TO EXPECT??
It is not a bad thing. The addictions just took over.
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Old 09-05-2011, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by searchbug View Post
guess what I am trying to zoom in...
He wants to blame me for the issues, WHEN I THINK it is clear he was a jerk.
And..??
that is pretty much standard operating procedure?

In the case of my ex it certainly was. Still is. He continues to text my family members telling them what terrible things I did. It seems to be the typical MO. You are NOT to blame any more than I was/am.
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