Confused and hurting...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Confused and hurting...
This is my first time so here goes... where to start?!!
I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. (he is 32 and I am 35) When I met him I knew he was an alcoholic, had been in rehab and was on anti-depressants. He had been sober (1 year) but had relapsed. I accepted this as I loved his company :0 We got on great although sometimes I found him distant.
He said he has always wanted to settle down, be happy, his last 2 serious relationships had failed and he would not talk about them.
However after a couple of months he ended the relationship because I had 2 children and and he said he wanted to meet someone that he could have a perfect and happy life with and share the experience of a family with someone that also had not already experienced it.
I was hurt but let go and got on with my life ( I was a happy and strong, confident person) after a week he contacted me saying he missed me, didnt realise how much he liked me and wanted to make it work.
I agreed to give a go... and fell head over heals in love with him. He was attentive to me and made me feel special. Soon after he moved in with me and my children.
He started acting quite controlling and manipulative. He was'nt happy if I spoke with other men and said he didnt want other men texting me.
He began drinking again saying he could handle it, this became a problem, we started to argue alot, and he did not trust me. He would then be depressed and upset and I tried to be there for him.
After some bad times, and a yo-yo relationship, he moved out. No warning, I just came home to find him leaving. I was devastated. After a few days he was back in contact saying how much he missed me, and still wanted to be with me.
My personality was beginning to change, I became insecure, scared and felt helpless. But I wanted to be with him. He agreed he would go back to AA and I wanted to support him. He then moved back in for the same thing to happen. Always using my children as an excuse.
He moved back into his house but said he didnt want to be without me.
Since then he has remained sober... although his meetings have slipped and now he maybe attends 1 a month. I have noticed so many changes in his personality and sometimes he is so selfish, and self centered, and has cut other people out of his life as he doesnt like them anymore.
Over the last 8 months he has ended the relationship so many times saying he doesnt want to be with somone with children, someone that has been married before. I have been broken, and a year ago I even went on anti- depressants myself (no longer taking them)
Each time we always get back together. A few months ago I thought it was over for good. I was devastated. I tried so hard not to contact him and move on but after 3 weeks I contacted him. He said how much he had missed me, been depressed and didnt want to be without me ever again. He said he wanted to make it work buy a house together and have a family. He was back on anti-depressants.
We then went on holiday (without my children) which was amazing. He was so loving and caring and kind. We have just got home and he has ended it again, same reason he can't accept my children and doesnt want to have to deal with that in his life, and wants me to himself without having to share me. My children are good, fairly grown up and not demanding of attention. They too have accepted him.
He said he wants a perfect family, like his friends have got, and he cant have that with me.
I am reading this back and seeing how pathetic and stupid I sound... I dont know what has happened to me, I am a mess. Why does he do this to me. He says how much he loves me and doesnt ever want to meet anyone else. Or be with anyone else. I love him and care for him so very much. But I am hurting and so confused right now.
I would really appriciate some help and guidance.
x
I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. (he is 32 and I am 35) When I met him I knew he was an alcoholic, had been in rehab and was on anti-depressants. He had been sober (1 year) but had relapsed. I accepted this as I loved his company :0 We got on great although sometimes I found him distant.
He said he has always wanted to settle down, be happy, his last 2 serious relationships had failed and he would not talk about them.
However after a couple of months he ended the relationship because I had 2 children and and he said he wanted to meet someone that he could have a perfect and happy life with and share the experience of a family with someone that also had not already experienced it.
I was hurt but let go and got on with my life ( I was a happy and strong, confident person) after a week he contacted me saying he missed me, didnt realise how much he liked me and wanted to make it work.
I agreed to give a go... and fell head over heals in love with him. He was attentive to me and made me feel special. Soon after he moved in with me and my children.
He started acting quite controlling and manipulative. He was'nt happy if I spoke with other men and said he didnt want other men texting me.
He began drinking again saying he could handle it, this became a problem, we started to argue alot, and he did not trust me. He would then be depressed and upset and I tried to be there for him.
After some bad times, and a yo-yo relationship, he moved out. No warning, I just came home to find him leaving. I was devastated. After a few days he was back in contact saying how much he missed me, and still wanted to be with me.
My personality was beginning to change, I became insecure, scared and felt helpless. But I wanted to be with him. He agreed he would go back to AA and I wanted to support him. He then moved back in for the same thing to happen. Always using my children as an excuse.
He moved back into his house but said he didnt want to be without me.
Since then he has remained sober... although his meetings have slipped and now he maybe attends 1 a month. I have noticed so many changes in his personality and sometimes he is so selfish, and self centered, and has cut other people out of his life as he doesnt like them anymore.
Over the last 8 months he has ended the relationship so many times saying he doesnt want to be with somone with children, someone that has been married before. I have been broken, and a year ago I even went on anti- depressants myself (no longer taking them)
Each time we always get back together. A few months ago I thought it was over for good. I was devastated. I tried so hard not to contact him and move on but after 3 weeks I contacted him. He said how much he had missed me, been depressed and didnt want to be without me ever again. He said he wanted to make it work buy a house together and have a family. He was back on anti-depressants.
We then went on holiday (without my children) which was amazing. He was so loving and caring and kind. We have just got home and he has ended it again, same reason he can't accept my children and doesnt want to have to deal with that in his life, and wants me to himself without having to share me. My children are good, fairly grown up and not demanding of attention. They too have accepted him.
He said he wants a perfect family, like his friends have got, and he cant have that with me.
I am reading this back and seeing how pathetic and stupid I sound... I dont know what has happened to me, I am a mess. Why does he do this to me. He says how much he loves me and doesnt ever want to meet anyone else. Or be with anyone else. I love him and care for him so very much. But I am hurting and so confused right now.
I would really appriciate some help and guidance.
x
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Sorry that you are going through this.
I'd believe him, he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of your children, he does not want a ready made family. He sounds very immature and unwilling to commit.
Your children do not need to be exposed to someone who is going to pop out of their life at will. They need stability, and they need to be your priorty.
He is not good marriage material, he is not good parent material, in addition going to a meeting once a month does not make for recovery.
Take care of you!
Sorry that you are going through this.
I'd believe him, he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of your children, he does not want a ready made family. He sounds very immature and unwilling to commit.
Your children do not need to be exposed to someone who is going to pop out of their life at will. They need stability, and they need to be your priorty.
He is not good marriage material, he is not good parent material, in addition going to a meeting once a month does not make for recovery.
Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I agree with Dolly.
I highly recommend a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Also check into and start attending Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.
Read the sticky topics at the top of this forum and educate yourself further on alcoholism.
Please do keep posting, and know that you are among friends.
I highly recommend a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Also check into and start attending Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.
Read the sticky topics at the top of this forum and educate yourself further on alcoholism.
Please do keep posting, and know that you are among friends.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome and ((((hugs)))). What you are going through is normal and many of us here have been there. I agree with Dolly and Freedom about being active in this forum and going to Al-Anon. I truly believe that they saved my life. I can tell you from my experience that it is possible to move from a dark place like where you are one to someplace good. I can honestly say now that life is good.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Smarty 
Always using my children as an excuse.
Please protect your precious children's childhoods. They only get one childhood, and it makes them who they will be, the rest of their lives.
I'm sorry this man has caused you so much pain and confusion, but there IS a pattern at work here (his inadequacies he chooses to blame on your children, or their existence), and it's not resolving for the better. And it is NOT in your children's best interest.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
To put it bluntly:
He doesn't even have a relationship with himself. How can he have a relationship with you?
You get together; its good for a few weeks. He starts to get nervous when you start to take him seriously. You get drawn back in. He dumps you with the same old excuses. He has to go it on his own and and you both start to get lonely - ALL kinds of lonely. One of you contacts the other. You get together....
Lather, rinse, repeat........
Honey, let him go. Love YOURSELF enough to let him go. He isn't ready.
He doesn't even have a relationship with himself. How can he have a relationship with you?
You get together; its good for a few weeks. He starts to get nervous when you start to take him seriously. You get drawn back in. He dumps you with the same old excuses. He has to go it on his own and and you both start to get lonely - ALL kinds of lonely. One of you contacts the other. You get together....
Lather, rinse, repeat........
Honey, let him go. Love YOURSELF enough to let him go. He isn't ready.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Smarty
Why does he do this to me. He says how much he loves me and doesnt ever want to meet anyone else. Or be with anyone else. I love him and care for him so very much. But I am hurting and so confused right now.
I would really appriciate some help and guidance.
x
I would really appriciate some help and guidance.
x
He does this to you because you allow him to.
He accepts you, then rejects you. After each rejection, you take him back. He has learned that he can minimize your feelings and you will let him come back over and over.
The good news is that you can take your power back. You have the power to take control of your one precious life and make it beautiful. You are important. Your feelings matter. You are valuable!
Welcome to the family! We understand.
There is a saying around the rooms of recovery:
Alcoholics dont have relationships, they take hostages.
Would that describe your relationship? He takes - you give. He leaves and you wait.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by Smarty
My personality was beginning to change, I became insecure, scared and felt helpless.
I have also read back some of my posts and reflected on my history with my AH & I have wondered how could this be my life?! I don't know who this person is that I have become.
I have found the first step to changing my circumstances is Awareness... and it sounds like you are now aware of the pattern & the way in which you are changing to fit this relationship. It also sounds like you don't really like the way your personality is changing.
After Awareness comes Acceptance (which is realizing the truth of the situation ~ not approval) and then comes Action.
I had the good fortune recently of attending a family program at a recovery center and the speaker was talking about how we must all find the courage to go through the "valley of the shadow of death". Some of us spend a short time on the edge of the valley and some of us just camp there (like me). The only way past the fear is through and I hope you find the courage to protect you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Hi Smarty~
I wholeheartedly agree with what catlover said about the kids... My son has been the driving force for me to make a lot of decisions that I might not have been able to do for myself. Do it for them... he's playing a mind game with you but even worse he's playing one with the children too.
Anyone I've ever dated knew up front that I am a mom and my child comes first. If they couldn't handle that or seemed uncomfortable, then I knew they were not a good match for me. I'm a package deal.
I'd say if you truly aren't ready to let him go 100% at this point, at least do not let him move back in.
I wholeheartedly agree with what catlover said about the kids... My son has been the driving force for me to make a lot of decisions that I might not have been able to do for myself. Do it for them... he's playing a mind game with you but even worse he's playing one with the children too.
Anyone I've ever dated knew up front that I am a mom and my child comes first. If they couldn't handle that or seemed uncomfortable, then I knew they were not a good match for me. I'm a package deal.
I'd say if you truly aren't ready to let him go 100% at this point, at least do not let him move back in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Wow! Thanks everyone for the support. I was so scared of posting a forum when I found this website, but I am very glad I found the courage to do so. I know what I have to do, leave him well alone and move on with my life.
I am aware of whats happening and now I need to accept it is never going to be. It breaks my heart to just 'let it go' and I always wonder 'what if I try harder'
I have read lots of literature on Alcoholisim, and yes he has all the behaviour traits. I have given him my best so many times to feel used and crushed.
Pelican- you said something so true that I relate to 'Alcoholics dont have relationships, they take hostages. He takes - you give. He leaves and you wait'
I need to be strong for me and my children, I just find it so difficult to stop thinking of him.
I am aware of whats happening and now I need to accept it is never going to be. It breaks my heart to just 'let it go' and I always wonder 'what if I try harder'
I have read lots of literature on Alcoholisim, and yes he has all the behaviour traits. I have given him my best so many times to feel used and crushed.
Pelican- you said something so true that I relate to 'Alcoholics dont have relationships, they take hostages. He takes - you give. He leaves and you wait'
I need to be strong for me and my children, I just find it so difficult to stop thinking of him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I understand being consumed by the alcoholic. Mine was my doc (drug of choice). I was attached to him and could not imagine HIS life being complete without me!
I identified those attachments as unhealthy and codependent. I began to find information and support to deal with those issues.
I can second the previous recommendation for reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Her book helped me deal with my unhealthy attachments, codependency and grieving the loss of the relationship. (there is an entire chapter about grieving)
You are taking healthy steps already for yourself and your children. Good on you.
I identified those attachments as unhealthy and codependent. I began to find information and support to deal with those issues.
I can second the previous recommendation for reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Her book helped me deal with my unhealthy attachments, codependency and grieving the loss of the relationship. (there is an entire chapter about grieving)
You are taking healthy steps already for yourself and your children. Good on you.
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