Tyler312

My AW hit the side of a building tonight. She is fine, just upset.

She is a poly-substance abuser, and mostly denies or hides everything she takes. I attend Nar-Anon and am trying to work on myself. Unfortunately most of her problems are covered by denial.

She says she has not taken anything tonight. However, I happened to notice her taking some Xanax last night. She doesn't know I know about it; she got it yesterday, hid it from me, paid for it outside of insurance, and has told me several times today that she does not have any Xanax (I didn't ask; her "lack of" Xanax came up because she told me she intended to refill her prescription).

Before she left, I thought she seemed a little tired, and wondered to myself if she took anything. Then this happened. So far I have been pretty calm, but I keep thinking I want to ask her about the Xanax she hid from me... mostly because she keeps obsessively denying that she took anything before the accident.

Can any good come of this? She refuses to hit "rock bottom"...

HopeAwaits

So sorry! That was always my fear w SXAH. I wonder why you want to ask, is it to see if she will admit it. It sounds like you know the truth. And sadly Addicts lie, and will continue to.
I know I had always thought "this has to be his rock bottom"...... But it took many rock bottoms for me, till he hit his.... and while my AXH is sober, he really never recovered. So while you wait for her rock bottom, I would continue your recovery!

Tyler312

I thought about what I wrote after I posted it. I agree with what you said. Confronting her will not change what happened, or what she will do tomorrow or the next day. It will not stop her from using drugs.

I'm still working on step 1

Ann

Sadly, that's true Tyler, we know what we know and their words never really confirm or deny, they are just words

I do hope that the police took a drug/alcohol test at the accident, because driving under any influence makes her a danger to herself and others. They do this where I live now, test for both drugs and alcohol, and I am surprised that people are surprised how many are driving under the influence of drugs.

Keep doing you meetings and working on you. I know that's what saved my sanity even though nothing changed with my addict son.

Hugs

Freedom1990

You are fortunate no one was hurt.

With you being married to her, should she ever wreck and injure, or God forbid, kill someone else, you can be held liable for the damages.

Just something to think about.

cc88

Maybe I'm wrong, but an addict doesn't get to rock bottom by being willing to take a train there labeled "destination: rock bottom". Of course she isn't willing, no addict is. But they get there anyways as a result of people establishing boundaries. Such as "You are no longer going to drive any car that I insure"

I agree with Freedom1990. When I got my license at 16, they started this new rule that for 6 months, the only passengers allowed in your car are immediate family members. It was a rule that kids rarely follow, but I never broke it for this reason. A state trooper told me that if you are pulled over with friends in the car, you, by the terms of a junior operator license (what you get for 6 months to start), are operating without a license. Insurance wont cover you etc. So if i decided to drive a friend home, and someone, while drunk, hit me, regardless of sobriety or fault my parents would be liable for any damages up to and including losing their house.

You could be on the losing side of a similar circumstance. when an addict "seems tired" yet continues to do stuff like drive around or run errands, its almost stupid to draw any other conclusion than "theyre high". a tired addict is just gonna sleep.

If you own or insure those cars, you gamble with innocent peoples lives every time you permit her to drive them. Just saying.

With that, im really sorry to hear that she got into an accident, but I'm glad no one was injured. Dont let her irresponsibility ruin BOTH of your lives!

Tyler312

I am really struggling with certain parts of this. She is so full of denial that I feel any attempt to set or enforce a boundary (outside of moving out or serving her with divorce papers... which I am getting close to) is pointless and just controlling (like "I won't let you drive our car").

I am considering bringing a friend of hers into this. I know she won't be able to do much, but since some sort of separation or divorce seems inevitable, I am hoping the friend will be able to support her.

dollydo

She can get all the support she needs by hopping on the recovery train. Detox, Rehab and meetings.

As for driving, when she gets behind the wheel stoned, it is like she is holding a loaded gun in her hand, it can go off at any time, she can kill herself or worse yet some innocent victim, perhaps a child on a bike. You can lose everything.

If taking the cars keys away from her is considered controlling, then so be it. I can turn that lodgic around, by giving her the keys while stoned, you are enabling her to put anothers life in jeapordy.

Keep going to those meetings, keep posting, we are here for you.

MaryGoRound

Yeah it's controlling...

Controlling her from killing someone else!!!!!

There's a difference between trying to control someone from using from taking control of a situation that involves you or innocent lives. For example, if your children were involved.

I can only imagine how hard it is to let go of your WIFE, but your worries about being "controlling" really struck me.

I think you should be controlling as all hell and do what ever mean necessary to protect yourself and others possboy involved. To the extreme.
If that means divorce, dropping her from insurance, moving out, etc...
So be it. This person is sick sure, but that doesn't mean you need to be around someone with no regard for how they're affecting your life while theyre circling the drain.

Maybe this is her bottom. Prolly not. I had an addict in my family who the week before he died from his addiction...crapped his pants walking to the corner store to get more liquor. Apparently he didn't stop, because my mom found him dead a week later. The last thing he said was "don't worry about it, I'm not drinking today". Maybe he actually didn't. But in the end it was too late. He'd already done the damage.

Sorry for the graphic ramble, but really all addicts are the same. And the bottom I'm afraid, for some, is death.

I know I chose to not wait it out and see what my xabf's bottom was.
Can you afford to?

Chino

Tyler, A's are encouraged to "play the tape forward" when they seek recovery. I'm asking you to do the same thing with the car. If you're not ready to take away the keys, then please max out all your limits with your car insurance and, if you own your home, buy at least a $1 million liability umbrella policy.

MTSlideAddict

I performed the ‘key trick’ sometimes before my husband would try to leave in his car after drinking, I would mysteriously make the keys vanish. I would take them when he didn't notice, and hide them. He asked me sometimes if I took them, but I denied it. The next day they would just magically show up on the kitchen counter, or behind a sofa pillow. He didn’t know the difference, and thought he had miss placed them. I couldn’t do the key trick all the time, because he tended to drink more when I was at work.

Nothing good will come out of you confronting her about the Xanax. Most likely she will still deny it. Rock bottom to the alcoholic is personally fitted for them. They have to find their own rock bottom. It is up to her how much of the turmoil she willing to go through before she decides to accept the addiction, and quit using. You too have a rock bottom that you need to discover. How many times do you want to ride this roller coaster before you have had enough. I get the sense that your rock bottom is getting closer.

Bringing in someone else like a friend is not advised, because the addiction is not yours to share. It also can cause resentment toward you. Let her own her addiction. The Codependency in us tells us to reach out for them.

**Codie Alert**
I personally have mixed emotions about bringing someone else into the situation. I guess it depends on your situation. In my situation, it was kind of like a reality check for my AH, and a huge weight off my chest. After I informed his father, someone he really was close to, he realized the depth of his addiction. It forced him to have a reality check. It didn’t force a rock bottom by any means though; he still had/has to discover that on his own. I hope for my AH’s sake that his recent suicide attempt was his rock bottom and his last day of drinking, but he can only be the one to decide. By telling his dad, however, it has given him the family support that he was lacking. That is all codependent behavior though, especially since my primarily purpose was to attempt to help him.

I cannot tell you in your situation what you should do. Follow your intuition. The important thing is to take care of yourself first. The rule I read on here is don’t do what others can do for themselves.

hope213

nothing changes if nothing changes. if she is still in denial & denys taking anything u can do nothing. you can not make her hit her bottom. sad but true. prayers,