Question about Boundaries
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Question about Boundaries
I am working hard in my program and while I'm making progress, I have times where I need to bounce something off to see if I'm off base...
My A has made a request that at first I thought sounded OK but then I talked to a friend of mine (not in program) who became angry at my A and called her selfish.
The request is basically that while she's in early recovery, she's not comfortable being around alcohol, which includes going to a restaurant that serves. I understand early recovery and its challenges and really didn't have an issue with it, except I pointed out to my A that we'd be limited to eating fast food if we went out b/c none of the nicer places are alcohol free.
Anyway when I mentioned this to my friend she got quite heated about it and said my A has no right to put me through that and how can she be so selfish, etc. Sometimes I think my friend gets more upset about things than I do, but she thinks I'm being taken advantage of and that I've been "too understanding" in regards to my A's behavior.
I hate fast food. I figured if we were dead set on a restaurant meal maybe take out would do. I also don't know how long she's going to feel this way... she isn't even out of rehab yet so she doesn't know either. After everything else we've been through, not eating out for awhile is not really a big deal to me and frankly if I want to bad enough I can always make plans with someone else.
Am I being rolled by my AGF? is my friend right and I'm being codependent or too accommodating?
I think sometimes when you've been doing the codie thing so long, its really hard to tell when you're caving vs. healthy compromising.
My A has made a request that at first I thought sounded OK but then I talked to a friend of mine (not in program) who became angry at my A and called her selfish.
The request is basically that while she's in early recovery, she's not comfortable being around alcohol, which includes going to a restaurant that serves. I understand early recovery and its challenges and really didn't have an issue with it, except I pointed out to my A that we'd be limited to eating fast food if we went out b/c none of the nicer places are alcohol free.
Anyway when I mentioned this to my friend she got quite heated about it and said my A has no right to put me through that and how can she be so selfish, etc. Sometimes I think my friend gets more upset about things than I do, but she thinks I'm being taken advantage of and that I've been "too understanding" in regards to my A's behavior.
I hate fast food. I figured if we were dead set on a restaurant meal maybe take out would do. I also don't know how long she's going to feel this way... she isn't even out of rehab yet so she doesn't know either. After everything else we've been through, not eating out for awhile is not really a big deal to me and frankly if I want to bad enough I can always make plans with someone else.
Am I being rolled by my AGF? is my friend right and I'm being codependent or too accommodating?
I think sometimes when you've been doing the codie thing so long, its really hard to tell when you're caving vs. healthy compromising.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
Early recovery is a very focused, self-centered time for a recovering addict. This is necessary. It is not uncommon for someone in early recovery to not want to be anywhere around alcohol.
It would be codependent if YOU were the one making the restaurant rules for HER, but she's the one making them for herself. She's telling you what her personal boundaries are regarding eating out. IMHO, this is a reasonable boundary for her. My RAS lives at home right now, and out of respect for him I keep a dry house... and will as long as he lives with me. He's okay with being around alcohol in a restaurant or even a gathering, but I know many RAs who would not be okay in those situations. Recovery is a very personal journey, and it sounds like your GF is setting some strong boundaries in an attempt to keep herself from being triggered.
I agree that eating out could be rather challenging, but there are some options that aren't exactly fast food. There are family style restaurants that serve breakfast, lunch and dinner... but not alcohol. Like Big Boy's, Ram's Horn, Perkin's, etc. It may take a little investigating, but it's certainly do-able. I think it's good news that your GF wants to set strict boundaries for herself.
It would be codependent if YOU were the one making the restaurant rules for HER, but she's the one making them for herself. She's telling you what her personal boundaries are regarding eating out. IMHO, this is a reasonable boundary for her. My RAS lives at home right now, and out of respect for him I keep a dry house... and will as long as he lives with me. He's okay with being around alcohol in a restaurant or even a gathering, but I know many RAs who would not be okay in those situations. Recovery is a very personal journey, and it sounds like your GF is setting some strong boundaries in an attempt to keep herself from being triggered.
I agree that eating out could be rather challenging, but there are some options that aren't exactly fast food. There are family style restaurants that serve breakfast, lunch and dinner... but not alcohol. Like Big Boy's, Ram's Horn, Perkin's, etc. It may take a little investigating, but it's certainly do-able. I think it's good news that your GF wants to set strict boundaries for herself.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You each have a right to choose what is best and acceptable for you. If your A finds that being near alcohol in restaurants might be a trigger for her and she wants to avoid it, then she should. If you don't like fast food, you don't have to go to a fast food restaurant either. I think that take-out is a reasonable compromise to try if it suits you both. If her request does not violate some boundary that you have then I don't think you're being taken advantage of.
Your friend has a right to her opinion and is probably just trying to make sure you put yourself first, but that doesn't mean she gets to decide what your boundaries should be. Only you can do that.
If your friend's opinions make you second guess yourself, you know you can always come to this forum and get some get perpsectives on codie behavior here.
Your friend has a right to her opinion and is probably just trying to make sure you put yourself first, but that doesn't mean she gets to decide what your boundaries should be. Only you can do that.
If your friend's opinions make you second guess yourself, you know you can always come to this forum and get some get perpsectives on codie behavior here.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Thanks... my friend usually doesn't come off quite so hostile, but this really hit a nerve with her for some reason and I kind of dropped the subject b/c it was going into a rant about my partner.
I think the only thing that can't be replicated is a sushi place... i LOVE sushi and its just not made for takeout
But I have good friends that I get together with for lunch every month or so and we pig out on it - I don't need the A to get my sushi fix.
I am proud of my A and her decisions.. even if they come across harsh to others. My friend doesn't know that one time when my gf tried to stop drinking, we went out to dinner with friends and seated in the bar... she was sweating and tense the whole dinner. I didn't even realize at that point how deep her addiction was, but that was my first clue it was more than a habit. So I know what a trigger it is for her and want to be supportive - dry house, dry events, and I'll learn to like Denny's (unless they serve beer... some do here in AZ) :P
I think the only thing that can't be replicated is a sushi place... i LOVE sushi and its just not made for takeout
But I have good friends that I get together with for lunch every month or so and we pig out on it - I don't need the A to get my sushi fix. I am proud of my A and her decisions.. even if they come across harsh to others. My friend doesn't know that one time when my gf tried to stop drinking, we went out to dinner with friends and seated in the bar... she was sweating and tense the whole dinner. I didn't even realize at that point how deep her addiction was, but that was my first clue it was more than a habit. So I know what a trigger it is for her and want to be supportive - dry house, dry events, and I'll learn to like Denny's (unless they serve beer... some do here in AZ) :P
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