Notices

Moms? Please help...

Old 09-02-2011, 10:27 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: On a raft somewhere in the Atlantic
Posts: 13
Moms? Please help...

I feel like I am a better mother to my six year-old when I am intoxicated - because I'm relaxed and tolerant - although I realize in the bigger picture, my addictions have really distanced our family.

After five beers and a klonopin, I frequently do not know what chapter or even what Junie B. Jones book we are on, but I let her find our place, and I read with both patience and enthusiasm. Last night, after reading, I gave her a full body massage to lullaby music.

Sober me would be far too agitated for this. I don't want to miss a moment with her and I worry that it would take me a long time in recovery to be relaxed enough to do this.

Could other moms, sober or not, please share their experiences? Many thanks.

Sloane
Sloane is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 10:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
rode hard and put away wet
 
bellakeller's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Sloane, your child is no longer a toddler. She probably knows that mommy is "different" when she drinks and that's gotta be scary for her. My kids were 4 and 2 when I started to get sober and I realize that though I might have been a "fun" mom while drinking, they were certainly terrified at times by the instability of the situation(s). Kids can sense that. They were also very polite about it; never really mentioning how they felt when I was drinking until after I got sober. I unknowingly made them feel insecure and scared when I was using, plus; and thank god nothing happened during the times I was under the influence, I wouldn't have been able to get us to the hospital or even respond as effectively if something terrible happened. I shudder now when I look back on those times I was drunk around my children.

Now a couple years sober, I can tell you that I am not and never will be the greatest mother in the world. My kids may end up in therapy or worse; but not because I was out of commission due to being under the influence. Good or bad, I am present now and I can count on myself to step up in emergency situations (which I've unfortunately had to prove). They need me and I am all there and as long as I stay sober, I have a fighting chance to stay present in their lives.
bellakeller is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 10:45 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,325
I began drinking when my kids were in their teens and it's by far, the biggest regret of my life. I wasn't there.

You said you don't remember which chapter or which book you're reading. Are those the memories you want to have of your children growing up? It's okay to be agitated and impatient sometimes, as a parent. It's hard to be relaxed and enthused all the time when you have small children around, but drinking and taking drugs is not the answer. There are lots of parent support groups online, and probably in your community where you can share your feelings and ideas with others moms.
Anna is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 10:45 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: La La Land
Posts: 503
Sloane- Thanks for posting.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and I relate to your story to an extent. I too thought that I was more attentive and tolerant when intoxicated but that is the disease talking IMO. What if there was an emergency with your child? Your daughter deserves a sober mom and you deserve to be sober. I not judging you and I hope you do not take it that way but would you trust a babysitter or a family member with her if they were intoxicated?
Granted, I was/ still can be easily agitated being a sober mom but I am a better mom. I am learning everyday how to control my emotions and be a better mom. Best wishes to you.
Tuesday24 is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 01:27 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Hi Sloane,

I understand how it might feel that way. I probably was more fun and attentive at times while I was drinking. I was definitely more relaxed about everything, but that's not what motherhood is about. It's about being strong and PRESENT for your children. When something bad happens, they look to the most important person in their life: their mother to handle it. I could never handle situations when I was drinking. I missed a lot of "sick in the night" and "bloody nose" nights because I was passed out. One of the last times I got drunk about 3 months ago only my 8-year-old son and I were here. In the morning he came into my room where I was ridiculously hung over and he said to me, "Do you even remember last night?" I don't know how he meant that, but apparently he had tried to wake me up because he had a bloody nose. In my drunken stupor (which I still don't remember) I told him that I would be right there and then never showed. He took care of it himself.
Even though at times I was a cool, fun mom while drinking, my son definitely noticed something was different. He would look at me differently, like he was judging what mood I was in (and I never did or said anything bad to him while drinking). He just knew that I wasn't "me" and was a little more careful around me.
I might not be as patient sometimes now, but like Anna said, I'm here. I'm capable. And you can always work on being more patient too when sober.
I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm lecturing. It's just that even though I was a functioning alcoholic, I missed out on so many important things for the majority of my son's life. Just please be aware that your child knows something is different. They always do, even if they can't voice it.
saphira is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:52 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
raindancer11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 737
Hi Sloane. I can definitely relate. I used to think that I was more relaxed and tolerant when I drank. I thought drinking was the only way I could get relaxed enough to do all those things that I have no patience for. Now, I really believe that the addiction made me think that way. It was hard to quit but so completely worth it. Kids know. Your relationship with your daughter will move to a new level because of the increased trust.
raindancer11 is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:57 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Sloane
While I am not a woman I can tell you my wife said and thought the same. She died in April indirectly from her addiction. She left behind a daughter(8), and a son(14). Are you willing to risk short term for long term? My wife did. If you want a link to the Obit to see put a face to this short life/story let me know.
AG
AlwaysGrowing is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 08:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Hellertown, PA
Posts: 33
As a mom of three, I agree with you... and your post also makes me feel sad. Because I've been there so many times. I have so little patience with my kids when I'm sober... it just kills me. It breaks my heart. When I'm drinking though, I'm fun. I'm impulsive. I do all the things my kids love. I completely understand what you're saying.

I have a memory of my son at age 5 telling me "Mommy, you're nice when you drink beer". That really made me feel like crap. It makes me want to cry just remembering it.

Unfortunately, I don't have much good advice for you, since I'm still drinking. I just know that I really, really want to stop. I have so much guilt. I'm missing things.

Good luck to you!
ljames103 is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 09:50 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hi. Really great posts, terrific topic. Hope it's OK for a dad to chime in.

I understand where you guys are coming from, but can I ask if you're saying this after having had an extended period of contented recovery? Or are you talking about being impatient with your kids during periods of abstinence in between bouts of drinking?

I ask because I think it's pretty common for alcoholics—male or female, parent or not—to be less patient and more inward-focused when they're sober. And many become more gregarious and generous when they're drinking. I could be moody during the day, but I really loosened up after work and on weekends. When I was out with friends, I felt like I was the life of the party. And at home I patted myself on the back for being a super fun, laid back dad.

But here's the deal: I was so "laid back" that I couldn't drive my daughter to the emergency room if something happened. I was not the life of the party, either. That's just crap I told myself because I was an alcoholic, and alcoholics tell themselves all kinds of BS to justify drinking.

I've heard a lot of people talk about their parents' drinking, but I've never heard anyone say they were sorry a parent stopped.

I took my daughter to the Y to go swimming today. We got there at 3, and we were still in the pool at 6, laughing, splashing around, having a great time. This time last year, I would have pulled her out of there by 4 so I could have my first drink of the long holiday weekend.

I'm still not the life of the party, but I'm definitely a lot more enjoyable to be around in the morning. And the best part is I'm going to remember every minute of these last few days of my daughter's seventh summer.
ReadyAndAble is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 10:48 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
It sounds like you are in the grips of needing alcohol to change the way you feel.

I can relate with that.

In the AA program we call that feeling restless, irritable, and discontent, until we can get that sense of ease and comfort that comes with drinking.

But it is a FALSE sense of ease and comfort.

Make a decision. Pick a day. Don't buy any more beer. Recovery begins with one day. You can do it.

Veritas1 is offline  
Old 09-02-2011, 10:56 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Reset's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I'm not a mom but I used to be lots of fun as a drunk guy when my kids were young. So I thought. But as the years passed it evolved into something different. Moody, absent-minded, distant. The goofy happy parts become shorter and shorter and eventually they don't surface at all most nights.

And you think you're more patient and fun when sober but I discovered that I'm actually more patient and more even-keeled these days. My kids respond better to me and the whole environment in the house is more relaxed and happier.

Perhaps if you gave extended sobriety a chance you'd see what I mean. Occasionally the kids are still going to drive you crazy but you'll have a much more coherent understanding of what's going on and you'll be better prepared to deal with those situations.

At least that's what I'm discovering. Good luck in any case. Being a parent can be hard sometimes.
Reset is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:44 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Symmetry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
I remember feeling similar, that I was a good patient parent while buzzed and woozy on beer or wine. I'm sure I had many precious and lovely moments with my children during those times but unfortunately I don't remember them. Alcohol stole my memories and numbed my love for others.

As a sober parent I know for a fact that I love my children with my whole heart and that they're happy that they chose me to be theirs. I am so thankful to wake up every morning with my memories in tact. I am so grateful that I made the choice to be sober while they're still young.
Symmetry is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:55 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
New to Real Life
 
SSIL75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I remember being relaxed and even telling my husband to chill out (poor guy. how chill could he be single parenting with me *********). Sigh.

The tension you feel won't be nearly as bad once you are actually SOBER. Like living sober (not detoxing, not 'trying' for a day to not drink). And if it is bad then that's how you learn and grow. It's not healthy to be so tense all the time so you'll figure out why you feel that way and learn ways not to be that way.

Logically you can't think that 5 beers and benzo is the only way to be Mother of The Year right? It's just your alcoholic voice. It's OK.
SSIL75 is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:57 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Symmetry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
Hhhh
Symmetry is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 06:02 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Symmetry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
I loved this entire post it just resonated so deeply in my heart. It was my kids and their right to a happy childhood that propelled me in to sobriety. I once saw a quote painted on the wall of The Childrens Museum: "The greatest gift of all is to have had a happy childhood".

I really commend those who found sobriety on their own, those who do not have children. That must take double the strength and courage.
Symmetry is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:44 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: On a raft somewhere in the Atlantic
Posts: 13
Thank you to all of you who responded. And it was incredibly thoughtless of me to leave dads out; a very sincere thank you to the dads who shared and reminded me that both moms and/or dads' drinking has a hellish impact.

I knew when I posted that I would need to be ready and open for the reality check, and that is what I got and what I need. I know I already don't remember a lot, that it's daddy she goes to, or who responds, when there's a need in the middle of the night, and that I would never entrust her care (even to put her to bed) to a friend or family member that was as drunk as I usually am.

I hate that I am unpredictable. I wonder what goes through her little mind when we cuddle and I imagine that she will be overcome by the fumes and vapor coming from my breath and seeping out of my pores. I know there must be an association for her with the smell of alcohol. What is it?

Many of you discussed the short-term vs. the long-term. I know kids are resilient to some degree - with extra support from her wonderful dad and grandparents, and anyone else we need to involve, we all will reap the benefits of my sobriety.

I want to start today but I am so afraid of another five day sober stint, where I start to drink again just to act "normal" at work and home. And benzodiazepine addiction just complicates matters, at least in my mind. These may sound like excuses to many, and I hope to look back and think they were, but they are so real to me right now.

Sloane
Sloane is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:57 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,325
Sloane, I had to find a new 'Normal' in my life.

The normal that I had achieved before recovery was no longer optional for me. So, in my recovery I found a new normal that is working pretty well.

Take a leap of faith and know that you can be the mother and the person you want to be. Don't be afraid!
Anna is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 11:21 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
FT
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Sloane,

I understand what you are saying. But consider this.

You only have one chance to model coping behavior for your children. Whether or not you think you are doing it, you ARE in fact modeling a coping behavior for your children than involves reaching for a substance instead of developing an inner strength and resilience to cope with what life brings our way.

For whatever reason, if you haven't developed those life skills yourself, this is the time to do that, before your children model your present behavior and become alcoholics themselves.

What children live and observe becomes the "normal" for them. Be careful. Children are far more observant than you realize.

Get some help for yourself. This is a time of your children's and your life that can be rich and full, and the way we deal with life's challenges will be ingrained in our children for generations to come. Likelier than not, you did not have that benefit from your own parents. But you can give that gift to your children now.

FT
FT is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 11:57 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Reset's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Sloane View Post
I want to start today but I am so afraid of another five day sober stint, where I start to drink again just to act "normal" at work and home. And benzodiazepine addiction just complicates matters, at least in my mind. These may sound like excuses to many, and I hope to look back and think they were, but they are so real to me right now.

Sloane
That 5 day stint is pretty much the problem. You'll go 5 days and it'll be hell, you'll drink and then try to go through another 5 days of hell. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

If you want to get to a different place you have to go through 5 days of hell. And then another 7 days of hell. And then another 7 days of hell. And then maybe it'll start to get better. And after a month it'll get better.

Eventually you'll get to a much better state of mind where you'll look back and wonder how you ever thought that drunk you was ever more fun, patient, or happy.

But you have to put it in your mind that if you want to see the difference it's going to take being sober for a while. Maybe you don't have to commit to never drinking again, just long enough to see the difference.

Anyway that was my experience.
Reset is offline  
Old 09-03-2011, 01:03 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
epskie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Sloane
While I am not a woman I can tell you my wife said and thought the same. She died in April indirectly from her addiction. She left behind a daughter(8), and a son(14). Are you willing to risk short term for long term? My wife did. If you want a link to the Obit to see put a face to this short life/story let me know.
AG
AlwaysGrowing - I would like a link to the obit please if possible. I'm a mother of 2 young children, struggling also
epskie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:50 AM.