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sobriety-fail.

Old 09-02-2011, 08:50 AM
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sobriety-fail.

I have been in AA since March of this year. As I've posted before (forgive me if I'm repeating myself to any of you)... I hit a bottom after a dreadful breakup last year. The relationship involved a lot of drinking- my ex and I both-and I turned out to be the dump-ee. The ex carried on with the woman she'd started to see while we were still together. They remain together, and in our small city/community I hear and see a lot about them, which is pretty horrible. So the betrayal, lying, drinking, etc led to a MAJOR depression for me. I found myself in a terrifying place where I seriously considered suicide, and committed myself to a psych ward. I left the house we had shared, and fortunately have an incredibly loving family who took me in for some months. They were scary months of increasingly horrible depression and a basic stoppage of any and all healthy activity. I don't think I left the house for days at a time. On a positive note, I didn't drink at all for about a month. But I did end up picking up again, and before too long was right back to my heavy, regular binge habit. The ex floated back into the picture- betraying her current girlfriend to sleep with me once again- (of course we were both trashed)... and then kick me to the proverbial curb again. I made my way into my own apartment, living alone for the first time in a long while... and back to work, but with a few scary incidents along the way while drinking. Including several, dozens to be honest, blackouts where I really don't know where I was or with whom. I started going to meetings and slowly but surely sharing. But still I continue to drink. Entered rehab after work, with an amazing therapist and group, but yes, STILL drinking, mostly heavily to blackout, and missed work, etcetc. I've been totally unsuccessful in accumulating any number of days in a row sober. I think 12 was the most I've had. And of course repeated the destructive/dangerous behavior in the process. I've decided to quit rehab after work for now because I am so tired of having to report each time that I drink, well really I am tired of the shame to be perfectly honest. There are no good excuses that I drink, as we all know it's 'everything and nothing'. I've searched a lot for comfort through all this from old friends and habits. The bottle is clearly both of these things at once! My next logical step is inpatient therapy but I'm really scared to ask my boss for the time off. And frankly probably embarassed to do so...
I ask you all for some guidance and support, I feel so discouraged, and despite the LONG list of negative effects/consequences of drinking, I continue, and don't know what's going to stop me, short of something deadly. I will close by saying that I want to kick this addiction square in the b**ls! but clearly not enough to commit to sobriety...
Thank you all for any input you have, stay strong...
-Suecat
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:02 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through a rough time but glad you're attempting to get sober.

Reminds me of something my sponsor told me. She was pulled over one afternoon for speeding. She was sure the cop would notice she was in a drunken stupor and she'd be hauled off to jail. Some how, the cop didn't notice. She got off with a warning and made her way home.

She thought to herself. Wow, that was a close call, I've got to stop driving. She says it didn't occur to her at the time that the drinking was the problem, not the driving.

You're story about quitting rehab because of the shame and embarrassment made me think of this. You're ashamed, not because you're in rehab but because you keep drinking. I would suggest you think about that decision a little more.

If you want to get sober and make a better life for yourself it will take some sacrafice on your part. It did for me and it's paid off ten-fold.

I went to inpatient treatment and was worried about telling my boss as well. I know how it feels, it's not easy. I was at a point that I knew if I didn't do this to get well I wouldn't have a job for much longer anyway. Heck, he wasn't even surprised, he knew something was wrong. I was giving a full 10% at work each day, if I chose to show up.

The fear of telling him lasted a very short time and after I did ..... instant relief. It felt nice to be honest about myself for once.

I tell you all of this to may be make you think and to let you know that you are not alone. So many people have been through hell and back and we're able to get sober. It is possible for you too.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:22 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

If you think inpatient is the way to go for you, can you tell your boss you need some time off for personal business. I would be very reluctant to tell an employer or co-worker about your addiction, because there are so many stereotypical beliefs about alcoholics and it could so easily be used against you.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:58 AM
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Anna, Paperdolls- thank you so much for your wise words. Yes, the shame is one of the worst symptoms of this addiction And your story about your sponsor totally rings true. The support of my group has been so valuable. It's just painful to go in there with bad news so often. And you're both totally right, no one said this was going to be easy! I have to believe that the struggle is worth it, and certainly not as hard as losing my job, loved ones, more relationships, my sanity(!)... etc. I wonder how you guys have done it-- was it so incredibly hard to envision a life without alcohol??? I know my perspective is still clouded from all of the days/years of booze. A few days of clarity have always allowed me to see more clearly. But how do I 'get over the hump'? Especially when I live alone? I know that I'm not alone but the physical sense that I am is so strong, and I strive to find the serenity in it. One of the huge gifts of sobriety... right?
I wish I had the secret recipe for turning sober days into sober weeks-/months/years/ the rest of my life.
I know- one day at a time... but really. How?
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:16 AM
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You did mention attending AA but you did not mention the AA Steps.
when I began working my Steps I moved from sometimes sobriety into solid recovery..

BTW...I was in AA 5 years before I earned a 1 year medallion.
not that I recommend you follow that ..but I do want you to know
that Yes! you too can quit and find a life with purpose and joy. ..
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:54 AM
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Just to echo Carol's sentiments, the first couple pages of Chapter 5 in AA's Big Book contain two key sentences for those seeking recovery in AA.

1) Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
2) Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery.

There is a very simple approach to AA for the newcomer. Here is what we did (the 12 Steps), and here is the result we got (lasting, contented sobriety).
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Old 09-02-2011, 02:07 PM
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+1 on what keithj said.
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Old 09-02-2011, 02:47 PM
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Suecat - If it's any comfort, I behaved much the way you have been just before I quit for good. I knew it was coming - I had 3 dui's and countless other issues. It was becoming dangerous to continue the way I was. I'm now 3 yrs. 8 mos. sober after being a lifelong drinker who could never imagine life without it.

I was terrified to find out what it would be like without my crutch, my buffer. Yet I knew my life was threatened every time I picked up. I had to admit that drinking was no longer fun, exciting, or relaxing the way it once was. It brought me nothing but pain and uncertainty.

After I joined SR and saw how many people made it out of hell & were actually happy about it - I decided it was time to try & rejoin the human race. It's such a relief to be free of it. Please give yourself a chance to experience life the way it was meant to be. It would have to be an imporvement over what you have now. We know you can do this!
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:05 PM
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Welcome back SUECAT
Lot of good advice here.

I drank for years - over and over doing the same things and expecting a miracle - something outside me - would suddenly change the game plan.

From this side of the fence, if I learned nothing else, I learned that miracles start within me

What really changed the game for me in the end was action - and doing something different.

You have a lot of options - whether it be AA SMART or some other group, inpatient rehab, counselling - whatever.

Sometimes it just takes starting at the least onerous and not stopping until you find something that works

Don't let your shame or your pride stop you from doing what you know you need to do

D
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Old 09-02-2011, 04:25 PM
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It still puzzles me what works for one and not for other but I think that you have to really want to stop drinking, deep down.

It is something that you know, I feel that you haven't got there yet.

Rereading this last sentence, I am thinking perhaps it is not useful to send it. But I think it is important to be honest with ourselves, if you really want to be sober then you have to want it above all else as if your life depends on it, it does.
I follow the AA program and you can't be half hearted about it if you want to recover.
I wish you the best I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. I believe you do know what to do.
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Old 09-02-2011, 06:58 PM
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Hi SUECAT - I admire you for continuing to work towards sobriety. It's hard to have a foot in both worlds, I know.

I hope you don't wait until something "happens" to get sober. If it's fear that's stopping you, try reading the success stories around here. Let yourself believe that things can get better, imagine where you want to be in a year......

I didn't want to stop drinking when I got here, but I didn't want to be in and out of the hospital either. I kept putting it off, though, for a long time. Finally I decided that if I was going to get sober "someday" I might as well get it over with. The only thing I was waiting on was me.

Wish I could help more. I think you just have to make a total commitment to do it, regardless of how you feel at the moment. All the best...
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