stavros212

wish i had something good to report, but just more of the same old.
I was two weeks sober and just pretty much gave up.
I feel good for a while and then just start feeling that everything is pointless and who cares.
I had my heart broken and am still reeling from the effects.
No excuse to drink but it doesn't help. And knowing that she's not coming back and is with someone else is a painful reality.
Sorry to bring negative content to a site for hopefuls in recovery but this is where I'm at right now.
Thank God for my son - he's the only thing in this world that makes me want to be sober so I can enjoy his life with him. Without him I'd be totally lost.
What sucks is that nothing gives me the feeling of having my problems lifted for a short time like alcohol. I know it just creates more problems in the process, but at least when I'm drinking I don't have to think of all the bs that's weighing me down.
I don't know what the future holds, but I just wish I could be happy.

PaperDolls

Maybe it's time to start doing something different?

What will you do for your recovery today?

stavros212

i would really like to try something new but I just don't know what.
i tried aa for a while but never got into it.
one of my biggest problems is that my family is dispersed across the country and the only person i have to love and care about here is my 3 yr old son.
besides him i'm all on my own.
when i don't have anyone around to talk to or spend time with i feel hopeless.
it's probably a good thing that i'm not involved in any sort of relationship right now bc i know i have to work on myself.
but it's always two weeks - after that i reach a breaking point and i'm just sick and tired of being sober.
i know there's more to life but i just haven't seen it.

BITSNPIECES

Know the feeling. I keep trying but some days?? Frustrating thing is my husband doesn't seem to understand how hard this is. I know he's been hurt and has reason not to trust that I'll stop drinking. I accept responsibility for that. But I guess I just get tired of the days/weeks when I am staying sober, he says nothing. No acknowledgement, no encouragement, no pats on the back. But then if I slip up, it's like WAM, he explodes about it.

I'm really trying hard to make new habits, ways of coping with stress, depression. But I know how you feel. Somedays I just want it all to "go away" for awhile and I give in. Just wish I could get as much attention from him when i'm sober as I do when he's mad because he thinks I'm drinking.

I know it's up to us to control, but don't think people realize we still need support. Guess that's why I signed on to this web site. HOping to find some here.

PaperDolls

It took me a very long time to get in to AA .... meaning actually getting a sponsor and working the steps. When I say long time, I mean like 15 years. May be you should give it another shot? May be it will help, I know you don't have to feel alone anymore, AA sure helped me with that especially in the beginning.

May be AA's not for you but if you don't give it a far shot you don't really know, do you?

JellyBabyBoo

Stav... you say the "only" person you have is your 3 year old son? I can't think of a better reason to be sober!!! My 3 year old daughter is what made me strong enough to get started and I haven't had a drop since August 15th. My life with my daughter now is wonderful. You can find so much joy in children. Joy that was masked by booze. Right now I am playing "birthday party" with her and we are having a blast. Force yourself to take your son out, to the park or wherever other children (and moms and dads) are. You can and will meet people there. I started taking my daughter to the YMCA and would drop her off and work out. Eventually I started meeting other mothers who were doing the same and we built up a pretty good group of folks that meet and go out every once and a while.

My advice to you is to focus all of your energy on your son and yourself. Believe me, I know a day with a 3 year old can be difficult and tedious and flat out boring, but turn the tables! Make it fun for him and I promise you that you will eventually find yourself having fun as well.

stavros212

I know that I do need support because I definitely don't get it from the people that care about me.
My loved ones wish I would not drink, but when I do, there's no acknowledgment of the fact or any support given.
I shouldn't have to live off of others' support, but it's nice to hear praise sometimes.
My ex wants me to stop, but when I attempt she just comments on how I'm miserable all the time and no positive encouragement.
Sobriety is a heavy cross to bear sometimes and I crumble under the pressure.
I'm not happy sober and getting drunk just leads to days of regret and negative thoughts about myself bc I couldn't handle it.
I'm not giving up - that's why I'm here on this site - but I just wish I could appreciate life more and not get caught up on the things that make it harder.

PaperDolls

For me, it got easier the longer I was sober.
It ain't easy but you CAN do it.

BITSNPIECES

I agree . . . I think maybe others who haven't been through it just don't get it. All I've heard from my husband is he doesn't understand why I don't just stop, like it's just that easy. When i do give in and slip up, he just gets angry. Keeps telling me "just fix it"!! But then no other discussion. It's like as long as I"m sober, then he thinks everythings fine. Not realizing I'm struggling every day to STAY sober. But it's like he's obvlivious to how hard it is and I pretty much feel like I'm donig this all on my own. Guess all i can say to you is I DO GET IT??!! There are people out there who know how much it sucks!! And you're not the only one who feel like this.

stavros212

Every lesson worth learning is a hard one, and I feel like this one is the hardest. I wish I could just not think about alcohol, but it's always there.
My son is a great source of joy in my life and I do fun stuff with him all the time, but somehow it's just not enough.
I'm good when I have him, but when he's with his mom I just look for excuses to go out and get drunk.
I don't even think my drinking buddies like hanging out with me that much anymore bc I just get too drunk. It's like I don't even care what happens to me sometimes.
I used to feel remorse about getting drunk but I am beyond that point now.
One thing that drives me toward sobriety is that I want to be there for my son as he gets older. All my grandparents are gone now - since I was 16 - and most due to bad health and alcohol abuse. My sense of family is messed up, and I don't want my son to grow up like that.
I know it's never going to be easy, and I'm glad for the support I receive here, but I need to want it for myself, not anybody else, and right now I just don't even care.

Pojman

Something you really need to consider is this:

If you do not get some help, and get sober - You will put yourself in an early grave and leave your 3 year old son alone and all on his own.

You have everything you need for motivation to get sober in your own home. Please start to think about him and the effect it would have on him if he was to loose his mother.

I speak freely on this because I was in your shoes also. I have a 3 year old son myself, and I was drinking myself to death. I was drinking so much that I became wracked with horrible pain within a 1 foot radius all around my liver. The pain was so bad that I could hardly bend or move my back. It was confirmed that my liver was so inflamed that my ribs, spine, and local muscles were being stressed. I thought about my children being left alone, by themselves, wondering why their father choose to let himself die instead to getting help and staying with them.

Stop drinking! Get help!

BITSNPIECES

I know the feeling. You can tell yourself in your head all the reasons why you shouldn't drink. And they all make sense. I have kids too and I want to be a good mom, role model for them. But no matter how much sense it makes in your brain, sometimes you just don't care.

For me at least, sometimes I just want to be "numb". I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to try to solve any more problems, I just want my mind to shut off.

I know all the reasons I shouldn't, my husband, my kids, my health. Like you when I drink I spend the next few days feeling guilty, embarrassed, humiliated. Think it's just not worth it and i"ll never do it again. But then the next day rolls around and I just don't care about any of it. And I don't have anybody to go to when those feelings hit to try to talk about it. My husband just doesn't get it, and when I've tried to tell him when I'm really wanting to drink or feeling overwhelmed, I just get this look like "just don't do it". Like hey, you just decide not to and then you don't . . . easy, right?

So I guess that's why I came to this site. Hoping I can find others who know what it feels like. when you're depresssed and just want the world to "go away" for a while, but you don't want to give in, maybe have someone to talk to and help get through it.

Maybe if I see others not giving up, going through the same thing, I won't give up and say I just don't care. Because there's a lot of days I just don't.

stavros212

That's just it. I stress about everything as it is and I need something to take my mind off of my mind.
I run, I write, I draw, I read, I cook - but my brain is just constantly nagging me to do better, to do more, to be more successful, to be a better father, to make more money and so on and so forth and the list never ends.
It's not even about partying anymore - it's self medication.
I quit smoking weed years ago, am an on-and-off smoker and alcohol is the only thing that has persisted.
I do want to pave a nice healthy road for me and my son but I need to want it.
Blame it on genetics, low self esteem, depression - i don't know. But what I do know is this - since I have made a conscious decision to remedy my drinking habit, I have drank less and less.
I used to drink every single day. Now I take breaks for weeks at a time and don't drink myself to sleep every night. But I'm the only one who appreciates it.
I hate that I seek approval from others, but when my efforts go unnoticed it makes everything seem pointless.
Thanks for the advice y'all.

GettingStronger2

You live in Ann Arbor, how could you not be happy? Go Blue! Sorry, i'm an alumnus of that great university!

Your 3 year old needs you, and needs you sober. Yes, drinking will temporarily help you forget things, but they don't go away, and the drinking actually makes it worse. At some point, you do have to deal with life.

The beginning of sobriety is hard. i could not have made it through with finding support from other alcoholics. For me, that meant going to AA meetings every day and then finding sober recovery.

Labor Day i will be 15 months sober. I still go to meetings almost daily. I still work on my recovery every single day. I don't want to go back, and so i work to do what i can to prevent that from happening.

At this point, i love sobreity. There is nothing a drink can give me that is better than what i have. I wish for you that you can get to that place as well.

BITSNPIECES

EXACTLY!! I've been working on "getting sober" for about a year now and been doing the yo-yo thing. I used to drink every night. I'd start at supper time and keep going til I feel asleep. I've cut back and cut back. I don't drink every day and like you I go for a few weeks at a time. But then when I "give in" I just keep going and don't stop. I know I'm one of those people who just should not drink at all . .. EVER.

But it's the same way. I have so many stresses in my life. Money, job, family issues, raising 5 kids, awful ex who makes it his mission to continue to torture me even though we've been divorced 6 years. I feel like I'm constantly being bombarded on a daily basis. And again, yes, my BRAIN knows that drinking just makes it worse because it tunes me out of my family and creates friction between my current husband and I.

But the more he gets angry at me about it, the more worthless and depressed I feel. And it drives me crazy that during the weeks that go by when I AM sober and being "good girl", nobody even notices. LIke you said I know we should be doing this for ourselves. And I am . . . but we're all also human. Especially when you are REALLY struggling, trying hard, fighting the temptation on a daily basis. Trying all the "tricks" to stay away from it. But it's like all your efforts are completely invisible to everyone around you.

I agree a lot of it is self esteem issues . . . I shouldn't need validation from anyone else. But when all you ever hear back from people is when you've screwed up, disappointed them, disgusted them with your drinking, but never any encouragement when you ARE trying, it just gets discouraging.

I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I almost feel like okay, everybody keeps saying how much BETTER your life will be when you're not drinking. And again, logically I know that's true. But when you don't actually FEEL better, and nothing is really GETTING better?? My husband is no more loving or attentive to me when I'm sober, my kids don't seem to notice any difference, I've never missed work because of drinking, never got a DUI, etc., sometimes I almost feel like why not?? It lets me tune out the world and gives my brain a "break" from reality. I'm not any happier when I'm not drinking, except for that fact that my husband is pissed at me.

I don't know . . . maybe none of this makes sense. I'm not one for AA . . . it's one thing to be able to share feelings anonymously on a web site, but my self esteem is already shot. I already feel like a worthless disappointment and humiliated over this. There is no way I'm going to stand up in person to people and admit what a failure I am. Don't really feel like humiliating myself anymore then I already have.

Sorry for rambling on . . . just finally feels good to be able to let some of this out, since no one else really seems to want to listen.

twilli59

You can arrive here in various ways, from what I've heard. But for me, when I was where you are, and WHEN I WAS READY TO QUIT FOR GOOD, a copy of the AA big book saved my life. Paasages like this rang so true my whole spirit sprang to attention:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

Anna

Stavros, I totally understand how you feel. I wanted to have acknowledgement from the people in my life, about everything. I hated being alone, having no idea how to enjoy my own company.

After drinking for a few years and almost losing my life, I recognized that the love and acceptance I was seeking from outside of myself, needed to come from within me. I had the power to give that love to myself. I no longer had to wish someone else would give it to me. I had to lose the fear of being alone with myself and come to enjoy and cherish time alone.

Please recover for yourself, and your son. Give yourself the love that you want and deserve.

Dee74

Great adbice here Stavros - and Anna really nailed it for me.

My recovery was as much about finding that inner validation as it was about not drinking.

One of the great gifts of recovery for me is learning to be comfortable with myself & to love myself. There's a lot of peace that flows from that.

Self medication never works - I spent 20 years treating physical and emotional maladies. The longer I drank the less effective booze was and the more things I started to lose.

Don't give in Stavros - it can be hard, especially in the beginning - but stick with it.
Not one of us would be here if recovery was worse than drinking

Find yourself support - it is around

D