lostmywings

Hi there

This is my first post to this forum, so I apologise in advance if I am covering ground that has already been discussed with other members - and I apologise in advance for a long post!!

Me and my husband have been together for 3 years, married for one of these, and had a baby girl 4 months ago.

I have always known that my husband is a 'drinker', but it was always manageable until I was about 4 / 5 months pregnant. He is not an emotionally strong person and whenever we had any hard times / bad news, his first reaction would be to drink. I suppose that our life was pretty care free and happy for the majority of the time until I feel pregnant and that is why I didn't see the full extend of his problem.

Anyway, during my pregnancy, he grew distant and drank more and more. He had problems with his work which also made him drink more.

I discovered he was 'secret drinking' - doing this whilst he was driving, whilst he was at work, basically anytime he could get away with it. This caused us to have lots of rows, and I lost my trust in him as whenever he was out of my sight I knew that he would find a way to drink.

Our baby girl has come along, and I suppose this has made me think a lot about the environment we have bought her into. I don't want her growing up in a home with an alcoholic, even if that person is one of her parents. I don't want her to hear our rows, she has already heard too much at 4 months, imagine how she will feel at 4 years?!

I have told him over and over that eventually I will leave him if he doesn't deal with his drinking, and he says he knows and that he also knows that his drinking is an issue, but he says he can't stop and doesn't know why he drinks like he does. He won't go to meetings or see a councillor, but says I should stop attacking him and help him. But I have no idea what I can do?!!

The last time we rowed was just under two weeks ago. He was drunk at the time, and said some awful things - like he was going to take our baby away from me, that he would kill me if I took her from him, that I was fat and ugly with no life!

When he sobers up, he barely remembers saying these things and isn't very sorry, but his words stick in my head forever, and I am just starting to resent him more and more.

I do love my husband and want our marriage to work, I don't really believe in divorce, especially when you have children. But what sort of life are me and my daughter going to have?! Why won't he get help? What can I do to help him?

Please give me any honest advice you can, I really feel that I am at my wits end! xx

dollydo

Welcome,

I am the product of living in an alcoholic enviorment. Here are a few things that I have learned:

Trauma in childhood can seriously impact the development and can have long term effects.

Adult children of alcoholics/addicts may suffer from depression, anxiety, aggression, impulsive behavior and have a negative self image.

Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood.

Addiction causes an anti social enviorment, one that especially affects children.

Children hear and see everything, yet they suffer in silence.

A child would rather be with one loving parent, in a happy, peaceful, home rather than with two, trapped in a toxic abusive home.

Children choose love, protection and caring over anything else.

I cannot tell you what to do, all I can say is to keep your child as your priorty, your choices today will affect her tomorrow.

Others will be here to greet you. Keep posting, it will help.

catlovermi

Translation: he is not willing to stop.

There is nothing you can do for him, if he is not willing to stop. "Willing to stop" means being willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop, and stay stopped, and DOING it.

Every day you stay in this limbo with him, where he is not willing to stop, is a day more where your lifespan is gone, and your child is further damaged from being around not just an alcoholic, but around the dysfunction/stress/unhappiness/uncertainty (and ultimately financial devastation) of an alcoholic household.

You have choices: to protect yourself, and your baby, from this type of environment.

And by the way, you are not the one best qualified to help him. You are not any sort of expert in alcoholism. The ones best qualified to help him are other successfully recovering alcoholics (i.e, the people in those meetings - they know the ropes, and they also know the excuses and BS and will call a person on it)

Welcome, and take care of baby!

CLMI

suki44883

I do love my husband and want our marriage to work, I don't really believe in divorce, especially when you have children. But what sort of life are me and my daughter going to have?! Why won't he get help? What can I do to help him?

It is what it is. He won't quit drinking, so what you have now may be the best you'll get from him. No one likes divorce, but when you are married to an alcoholic, all bets are off. What we "believe" in is irrelevant when it comes to the welfare of our children. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Leaping

I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember when my girls were little (before my husband's drinking became an issue) how tiring and exciting that time was. It must be very difficult to have to be a new mommy and have an active drinker in the home who is verbally abusive. I think it is very smart of you to start thinking about the kind of home you want your baby to grow up in. I wish I had made my decision to get out of my marriage years ago.

I want to tell you that you have choices, you deserve better and you are the only one who can look after your baby. Do you have somewhere safe you can go, somewhere you can rest, reflect and gather strength?

Keep posting, keep reading, we understand.

lostmywings

Thank u for your replies. Ur honesty is welcomed and refreshing, but hard to hear. Maybe I am also in denial? I just want him to stop and be the loving, supportive husband I thought I married. I don't want to admit that he hasn't changed at all, but that I refused to see him for what he was at the beginning...and still married him and had a baby with him.

I don't want to be alone. I am so scared of every decision I make. xx

GettingBy

Having a newborn baby is certainly an emotional time, let alone having to deal with someone else's excessive drinking. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that right now.

I am married to an alcoholic too - and we have two small children. It's very hard being a single parent, and that's exactly what you are when the other parent is an alcoholic. My daughter hurt her foot yesterday but didn't really complain about it until 2 am this morning! She was in her room crying and whimpering... which woke me up... not my AH because he was passed out. He's an alcoholic who drinks and passes out, which means I need to keep both feet on the ground and a clear head so that I can be there for the kiddos. So, at 2 am this morning, I had to deal with the situation alone, and make the decisions I felt were the best for our child.

I am in the process of developing a plan for seperation (custody, assets, etc). I would love to just leave with the kids, but the law here in NY does not allow me to do that without risky my custody So, I have to stay put, and detach from his drunken behavior while I work out the details. I go to Al-anon and have a sponsor and that has made a world of difference for my outlook/attitude. I have learned great tools to help protect me from engaging with my AH when he's drunk/dry drunk! It's been a lifesaver!

You are not alone. YOu have come to a great place where people do understand and care! Please keep posting and consider going to an Al-anon meeting!

Thanks,
Shannon

m1k3

lostmywings,

I am so sorry you are going through this. What really helped me was going to Al-Anon. I met some really great people there and picked up the tools I needed to start working my own recovery. Trust me, you need recovery as much as he does. You can't do anything to make him want to get better but you can start healing your own life.

Keep posting here as well. Having quick access to people who understand you and are willing to listen to what you are going through can be a great support also. I owe a lot of my recovery to my friends here at SR.

Also as Dolly said think of your baby. I grew up in an alcoholic house (my father) and I would not wish that on anyone.

I know you have a lot on your mind and going on right now so be gentle on yourself, you don't have to decide anything today.

Your friend,

LifeRecovery

I am glad you found us, but I am sorry for what brought you here.

I don't have a lot to offer in terms of similar life experiences, but I can offer this.

I get overwhelmed when I have big decisions to make. It helps me when I realize that I don't have to have my life all figured out though in the next five minutes. When I get wrapped up in the time frame it is just more crazy making for me.

I also did not realize my H drinking concerns until after we were married. My first year of marriage was a dozy. Thought it took me some time to get to that point what helped me on the healing journey was the following (in no particular order)

Going to Al-Anon
Reading a lot about addiction (though trying to not get involved in his)
Seeing an individual counselor (someone who had experience working with addictions)
I am working on trying to learn how to have fun (this one is a BIG challenge for me).

Sending warm thoughts your way

Eight Ball

Hi lostmywings and welcome to SR,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that unfortunately we have many new members who come to SR and 'cover old ground' and its nothing that you should feel sorry for. We all have stories very similar to yours but you have found a great place to share and to read others SH&E strength hope & experience - we can relate, we can empathize because we know what you are going through as we have been there.

You are coming out of denial after 3 years together, it took me 23yrs! I found Al-anon, SR and therapy and I have learnt to feel better about myself, and to know deep down that I am important, my life is important, my health is important and I deserved so much more from a marriage than I had been putting up with. My best friend kept telling me that life was too short, we all know that saying but I personally didnt live by it.

I brought up two daughters who are still both coming to terms with their dads alcoholism, behaviors and their mums ups and downs and the roller coaster upbringing. This was a loving family most of the time and we enjoyed nice holidays and they were well looked after but it was also overshadowed by 'episodes' caused by dads drinking where mum and dad would argue, dad would drink more, mum would move into the spare bedroom, dad would leave, mum would forgive dad and dad would move back home. Both adult daughters (20/23) are having counseling and the youngest who was bullied by her dad has plenty of issues!

Please look into Al-anon and maybe some therapy for yourself, preferably with someone who has alcoholism experience because this makes all the difference. We all strive for feeling peaceful (its another word that I cant think of right now (just thought of it - serenity)) which is very difficult to feel when you are living with an active drinker. Al-anon will help tremendously and was my lifesaver.

Through having 18 months of therapy/al-anon etc I have finally left a verbally abusive, alcoholic husband. My husband started verbally abusing me within the first couple of years of our marriage and I used to excuse it and blame it on the beer. I learnt through therapy to say 'stop' ' I do not have to listen to that' and it stopped 23 yrs later!

It wasn't an easy decision but I finally came to believe that I was doing the right thing for me. This is the first time I have lived on my own in all my life (45yrs) Sometimes just staying living with an alcoholic is like enabling their drinking. They just dont reach their rock bottom if they have someone who will continue to keep their status.

My AH of 23yrs had 2 months of living on his own and is telling me now that he has reached his rock bottom. He is in therapy, on SR, reading books and has been sober for almost 4 weeks. Its early days but he seems genuine in his reasoning's and belief that he will have to stay sober for the rest of his life and is working hard towards that. We still live separately for now, whilst he keeps working on his own recovery in his own way. Only time will tell how successful he will be and I continue with my therapy to make sure that I dont slip backwards and keep protecting myself, my health and my well-being.

Thats some of my SH&E. Keep reading and welcome once again.

wanttobehealthy

Hi and welcome,
I'm sorry for all that you are experiencing right now and while no one here has a solution that will make it all better, I have found it invaluable to know that others understand what I've lived with.

During my 2nd pregnancy I started to see the extent of my AH's drinking and I blamed it on the stress of a toddler and my being pregnant, his new job, my emotionality due to hormones etc... The result of my looking to place resposibility for his drinking anywhere but on him was that I was stressed to the max my whole preganancy and today have a 3 1/2 yr old who is highly emotional, still can not self soothe and who I fear had a lot of irreperable damage done to her bc of the stress and chaos she endured as a newborn and young child.

I wish I'd know about this site, al anon or even what alcoholism was 3 1/2 yrs ago. I, like you did not want to give up on my marriage, I wanted to be the one who could help my AH get well, I wanted to know what I could do to help, I was told by him that I needed to be more supportive and I tried to jump through all the hoops he laid out only to find that there were always new ones.

I have finally separated from my AH and it is hard, sad, difficult, I feel like I failed at something, my D's miss Daddy BUT... I am so much more at peace and I am able to think clearly without alcoholic nonsense being spewed at me constantly. I don't live in fear of the next bender and the growing tension before and after it.

I don't know what to suggest you do, I can just share my experience and hope it is of some use somehow. If I had to sum up my thoughts in one sentence it would be this: DO not base decisions about the direction of your life and your baby's on the WORDS your H speaks; ACTIONS are what count. It appears that his actions have made it clear he has no desire or intention of stopping.

You can not change him (I tried unsuccessfully for yrs and all that happened is I was miserable) but you can make a happier life for your child and you and perhaps in time your H will decide to make healthier changes for himself.

Sending you warm thoughts.

JustanotherWOA

Eightball- I feel like your post was a flash-black and a flash forward to my own life. I've given my husband until Oct. 1 to make changes or move out. If neither happens, then I will file for divorce and leave it in the hands of lawyers. I know it will suck, be very difficult and hard on my children. They love their dad and my oldest especially is a very sensitive little guy. But I've got to start looking ahead. The past is a very good predictor of the future. Like another previous member told me, I cannot continue to live in this fantasy I have of our family that only happens some of the time. I deserve and expect more. We only have one life to live, and I want to make the best of it.

nodaybut2day

Hi lostmywings and WELCOME to SR. I hope you stick around because there are some awesomely supportive people here.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with your husband's alcoholism during what should be a joyous time. I really feel your pain; I too was married with and had a baby girl with an alcoholic. When my little one was born, I was so disappointed to discover that the man I married wasn't ever going to be the father I imagined for my daughter.

Now, regarding your post:
It's entirely possible. I think we've all been there to some extent at some point or another. In my case, I had built up this image of my exAH (ex alkie husband) that was nothing like the person he was. By coming to SR, reading lots and going to Al-Anon, I learned that it is unwise to love someone for their potential. Your AH is exactly who is willing to be at this point. Whether or not he changes is entirely HIS CHOICE. You have no power over that. As the 3 C's of addiction remind us:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

I know how hard it is to accept those last two...especially as someone who wants to "fix" or "help" others. In the end though, the only power you have is over yourself and your choices.

You want him to be who YOU want, and not who is he. The illusion is one you created (ok so he probably helped you create it). But right now, today, this is who he is. Now, is this the person you want to be partnered with? Is this the person you want raising your baby girl?

Heck, I did the same thing, and I KNEW deep down inside that my exAH was an alcoholic, a drug user, and a manipulative abuser. I felt guilty for a long time about the choice I made, but eventually, I figured out that it was meant to happen. I was meant to have a child with that abusive husband of mine, so that I could WAKE UP and realize that if I didn't make a change, my daughter would grow up believing that it was ok for her to be treated the way I let myself be treated by my husband.,,,I'd venture to say that you're walking a path very similar to mine.

I remember this feeling well. I remember being so petrified of the outcome of whatever I did, that I was just paralyzed. I never wanted to rock the boat and make the "wrong" decision, or, god forbid, make my exAH angry at me. When he got angry, all hell broke loose.

Eventually though, with the help of SR, I learned that I wasn't alone. Many many people had walked the same road as me. I learned to reach out and found that I had friends there to support me. I learned (slowly) to stop panicking, breathe and *listen*. That's when I discovered that my Higher Power (or god or whatever you call it) was there, guiding me, offering me open doors. I just had to step through them. Looking back, I saw that my HP had lead me here, which lead me to Al-Anon, which lead me to an awesome social worker, which lead me to a good lawyer and so on and so forth.

You are not alone. We are here. Post as much as you need. SR is always open.

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
I'm so sorry.
I wanted to say a few things.
Him saying YOU should stop attacking HIM is classic...while he attacks you. That's not right.
Secondly, what he is saying is abuse.
And when he says he would kill you???
Not safe.
Please look at the permanent posts on abuse. He makes me nervous.
Please take care of yourself and be very careful.
We are here to support you!
You don't deserve this and CAN do something.
Hugs,
fp