learningtofly

My AH has recently relapsed after a little over a year of being clean. He has been clean now for 3 days and is going to actually follow the NA 12 step program where as before he just quit cold turkey himself. Just a little back ground there.

So now I'm feeling and asking myself "Do I want to be on this roller coaster the rest of my life?"

I know people do stay married with recovering addicts and it does work, but I'm not sure I want to. The thought of being worried how long he will be clean and if something bad happens in his life . . will he use again? Idk if I can do that! I can't help but to worry about the future and how that looks. I would hate to have 10 years with this person and he be clean and then he relapse and we are back to square one. It just seems agonizing . . like our families happiness is based on weather he can stay clean, because if not we will divorce and our son will then be in a divided home!!

I know the 12 steps of naranon are so that we the family don't live our lives like that, but it just seems so hard. Can others please give their thoughts on this. I am really struggling with this!!

lightseeker

Karrie,

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you my experience. I found that I worried like crazy for the 1st year that my husband was sober. The second year I felt like I was beginning to breathe again. After that, I really didn't worry much about it at all. Every now and then my worries would flare up - but not much.

Unfortunately, addiction is a lifelong disease...as is being an "anon". If both people work a recovery program then you are equipped to deal with whatever comes your way. I think that without a recovery program of some sort that you probably are at a high risk for relapse.

Only you can make the decision that is right for you. I would suggest really getting involved in your own recovery and then seeing how you feel 6 months to a year from now (that is if he stays sober). Mainly, you have your son to think about....if your husband is relapsing then your son is much better in a sober home even if it means that he is not with his dad.

I know that you are struggling - and I know much I struggled with the exact same thing. As they say at meetings "more will be revealed". I found that working my own recovery left me equipped to deal with whatever happened in my marriage.

Hugs....

nerdygirl

There is nothing more difficult to a codie than giving up the obsession. The worry, the stress, the constant anxiety - it's overwhelming but we think we HAVE to do it. What I learned here and through reading and research is "I don't HAVE to do sh!t" I can allow my RAH the freedom to be his own man and I'll concentrate on making myself happy. That's a choice - not a have to. Like he will continue to struggle with his addiction, you will struggle with recovering from codependency. I know how hard it is to leave him home alone just so you can go out to the grocery store or run errands. I know the anxiety of thinking "What state will he be in when I return?" Who cares??? Let him do what he's going to do and you do what you WANT to do. Takes practice and vigilance to recover from codie behavior, but if you want to stay in the marriage, that's exactly what you're going to have to do. Otherwise, you will lose your ever lovin mind! That's a promise.

dollydo

That the problem with the disease, it has no cure. I have a friend who was clean and sober for 20 years, the day after she hit the 20 year mark, she went on a binge. Ended up in the hospital, nearly died.

Can't figure this disease out, I stayed with my ex, until I realized that this is not how I wanted to continue to live my life. Some can do it, I couldn't, too stressfull, the uncertianty of living with an addict was more than I could handle. Definitely not my bag.

Take care of you!

learningtofly

I understand what you guys are saying. That I have to work my program and that HE has to work his and that as time goes on I will learn to cope and not worry as much. I get that . . . I DO! I just don't know if that is what I want to do, I don't know that I want to have to learn to not worry about my addict. I do worry about him and he is my husband. He is my partner and I have chosen him as my partner. I do lean on him to a certain point in the fact that he is my PARTNER! I don't know that I will ever be able to do that again nor do I know if I want to do that with someone that has this disease.

Dolly you hit it right on the head for me. I am worried he will have 5, 10 or 20 years clean and then all it takes is that one bad decision, that one bad day or week and our family . . our lives are turned upside down. He gets high and kills himself, my child or whatever it might be. I don't know if I can handle that "IF".

I know that we can all play the "IF" game and worry ourselves to death. I am just so torn with this. I felt the same way a year and a half ago when I first found out he was an addict. I worked through it because I loved him. I just don't know if this is for me : (

Has anyone else felt this too? I feel selfsih for feeling this way. I did say for better or worse uuggg

whyme123

I do understand where your coming from Karrie.

Actually the whole do I want to deal with the fear of him using, the fear of abandonment, cheating, stealing, and whatever else he's capable of doing, is keeping me strong. Because we have been apart for a couple months now and I've been working on my codie ways, I'm not really worried about controlling his actions. I am (for once in my life) selfishly knowing that this won't work for me in my life. Because I know that how ever hard I work on my recovery, I will never be 100% clear of these fears or the ability to stop caring for someone I chose to be in my life.

My estranged AH is planning on coming back to our hometown in a few weeks and I know I'm going to have the biggest test of my life. I have to keep things in perspective.

You will make the right decision for you and your family. It's way easier said than done. There are some things that are just non-negotiable. What are those to you?