Need Help - Originally a blog post
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
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Need Help - Originally a blog post
First, I have been sober since August 15th and I am so proud. This comes from a post I started in my blog... if you are inclined, feel free to read. Otherwise, very quickly, my mother is currently battling ovarian cancer. I live about 1000 miles away. She is difficult (VERY). I have a 3 year old, a husband, home and business to take care of. I have been torn between taking care of my mom and taking care of myself and my family for over 2 years. Here is the latest from my blog...
My mom is still struggling. We thought it was the end about a week ago but she made a turn for the better... then the worse... then the better again. We are talking home hospice here and she will need a 24/7 caregiver in addition to the hospice services. Well, there is no one but me to fit that job description. I am so torn, if she makes it, I want to do what I can to help but my I can't sacrifice my own family and most importantly, my sobriety. I feel like I am drifting apart from my husband as all of my time and focus is on my mother and when I do have time with him I am just too tired, sad, nervous. You name it.
I have been sober since my "bored" post on August 15th and I am petrified that if I am put into a situation where I have to leave my family to take care of my (difficult - read previous post) mother I will go full on alchy. I absolutely know my mind can not take dealing with the responsibility of being her caregiver while leaving my 3 year old to be raised by my in-laws. (My husband isn't very hands on with my daughter). What do I do? We don't have the money to hire a 24/7 nurse in my place. The guilt is EXCRUCIATING.
I am doing so well, I have never felt better excluding the issues with my mother. I'm scared. I need some guidance, suggestions, some
My mom is still struggling. We thought it was the end about a week ago but she made a turn for the better... then the worse... then the better again. We are talking home hospice here and she will need a 24/7 caregiver in addition to the hospice services. Well, there is no one but me to fit that job description. I am so torn, if she makes it, I want to do what I can to help but my I can't sacrifice my own family and most importantly, my sobriety. I feel like I am drifting apart from my husband as all of my time and focus is on my mother and when I do have time with him I am just too tired, sad, nervous. You name it.
I have been sober since my "bored" post on August 15th and I am petrified that if I am put into a situation where I have to leave my family to take care of my (difficult - read previous post) mother I will go full on alchy. I absolutely know my mind can not take dealing with the responsibility of being her caregiver while leaving my 3 year old to be raised by my in-laws. (My husband isn't very hands on with my daughter). What do I do? We don't have the money to hire a 24/7 nurse in my place. The guilt is EXCRUCIATING.
I am doing so well, I have never felt better excluding the issues with my mother. I'm scared. I need some guidance, suggestions, some
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I'm sorry for your situation with your mother. It must be painful.
But, it's clear to me from reading your post that it will be detrimental to you to go to take care of her. And, it will risk your sobriety as well. Is it possible for your mother to go to a hospice rather than having a home hospice? If she needs around the clock care, it seems she would be better off living in a place where the care is available.
I wish you well.
But, it's clear to me from reading your post that it will be detrimental to you to go to take care of her. And, it will risk your sobriety as well. Is it possible for your mother to go to a hospice rather than having a home hospice? If she needs around the clock care, it seems she would be better off living in a place where the care is available.
I wish you well.
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I agree with Ann, jelly. This is a tough one, for sure - but I think you, your daughter & husband are top priority. You've been doing so well, why play with fire? I hope someone else will chime in with a suggestion.
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Thanks Anna, I appreciate your quick response. Apparently inpatient hospice requires certain qualifications that my mom currently does not meet (death imminent in 72 hours and you have to be declared un-capable of being treated at home). I agree with you about focusing on my sobriety and family. I do love my mom (and my dad who needs support as well) but I just can't risk it. Like I told my brothers, I can't help anyone if I am a blazing alcoholic while "taking care" of my mom. At least my immediate family understands... it is the extended family. They don't know I am struggling with sobriety while facing this situation. On the outside I am the strong one - the one to take charge.
Again, many thanks for your quick reply. You have given an outsiders support to a decision I think I have already made in the back of my mind.
Again, many thanks for your quick reply. You have given an outsiders support to a decision I think I have already made in the back of my mind.
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Thanks all, I know what I have to do but it is so hard. Especially to tell my Dad who depends so much on me (he doesn't know I am an alcoholic - knows I drink heavily but doesn't know the extent) that I can't come to take care of mom and to help him. That is truly what is breaking my heart. My mom is dependent on his insurance and he cannot afford to miss work, it is not an option for him to take over care duties even though he certainly would. I think I can offer as much help as possible without jeopardizing my sobriety. I think I can offer 1 week a month, for as long as she lasts. Odds are she won't make it more than 6 months so I feel comfortable doing that without fears of relapse. As a family (with a large extended one) we will have to work together to keep her as comfortable and taken care of as possible.
Thanks everyone... you all made me feel a lot better about my decision.
Thanks everyone... you all made me feel a lot better about my decision.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
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JBB, I read your previous post about your mother. I'm sorry for the situation you're in.
If I were in your shoes (and I'm not -- so regard this as one perspective, or ignore it altogether), I would make a few things clear to her and to family: 1) you've offered her space in your home and she refused, 2) you have other siblings (do they live closer? if so, why aren't they either taking her in or taking turns caring for her?), 3) she has other siblings, 4) she has a husband to care for her ("in sickness and in health"), and 5) you have a family of your own. If I were in your shoes, I would either come up with an equitable way to divide her care OR announce that she comes to you or, sorry, you have a family and business to tend to. Daughters (and women) are not the servant class. My family (brothers) are still angry with me because I put my mother in a nursing home because I could not care for her for some reasons very similar to yours (though I lived much closer).
It's unfortunate that your mother's health has had such a negative effect on her outlook. It's understandable, and at the same time, if you find yourself unable to draw boundaries, I would also let her know that if she doesn't want everyone to abandon her, she's going to have to find a way to chill.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. When I got sober, I did my best to make amends for my drunken behavior -- and then I detached from those in my family who were toxic to my sobriety. Shared blood (with all but my children) doesn't grant someone the right to dictate my life.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If I were in your shoes (and I'm not -- so regard this as one perspective, or ignore it altogether), I would make a few things clear to her and to family: 1) you've offered her space in your home and she refused, 2) you have other siblings (do they live closer? if so, why aren't they either taking her in or taking turns caring for her?), 3) she has other siblings, 4) she has a husband to care for her ("in sickness and in health"), and 5) you have a family of your own. If I were in your shoes, I would either come up with an equitable way to divide her care OR announce that she comes to you or, sorry, you have a family and business to tend to. Daughters (and women) are not the servant class. My family (brothers) are still angry with me because I put my mother in a nursing home because I could not care for her for some reasons very similar to yours (though I lived much closer).
It's unfortunate that your mother's health has had such a negative effect on her outlook. It's understandable, and at the same time, if you find yourself unable to draw boundaries, I would also let her know that if she doesn't want everyone to abandon her, she's going to have to find a way to chill.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. When I got sober, I did my best to make amends for my drunken behavior -- and then I detached from those in my family who were toxic to my sobriety. Shared blood (with all but my children) doesn't grant someone the right to dictate my life.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Thanks Sugah for the extra "push" and support. You are right about EVERYTHING... I have 2 brothers, one who lives near me and one who is about 45 minutes from her. My Dad, unfortunately, HAS to continue to work simply for insurance reasons. Without his insurance coverage and income, they would be destitute and even more burden to me. She has one sister who is very close to her but lives about 6 hours away. She has been a big help to my mom the past few years staying with her for months at a time, but I think she is getting tired too and starting to set her boundaries. She truly feels that I should move up there to take care of her until the end and is one of the biggest stressors for me, as I truly love her but she is putting too much pressure on me and we are growing apart. My Aunt was even there for the birth of my daughter (like in the room!) so our tensions are difficult for me. My mom has another sister and 3 brothers who live close but are in or are approaching their 80s.
I am trying to realistically figure out what I am willing to contribute to my mother's care without going over the deep end. I think I can do it. I WILL NOT let this interfere with my journey to complete sobriety. Even through all of this I have not felt the urge to grab the bottle - but pushed beyond my limits I might not be able to resist.
On a slightly positive note, her palliative care nurse, doctors and case workers are thinking that a Long Term Acute Care Center would be the most appropriate place for her so that would free me up until the VERY end, and I am prepared to be there for her in those final days.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts. I was having a very hard time last night dealing with the situation, but am feeling a little more clear headed and confident in my decisions.
I am trying to realistically figure out what I am willing to contribute to my mother's care without going over the deep end. I think I can do it. I WILL NOT let this interfere with my journey to complete sobriety. Even through all of this I have not felt the urge to grab the bottle - but pushed beyond my limits I might not be able to resist.
On a slightly positive note, her palliative care nurse, doctors and case workers are thinking that a Long Term Acute Care Center would be the most appropriate place for her so that would free me up until the VERY end, and I am prepared to be there for her in those final days.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts. I was having a very hard time last night dealing with the situation, but am feeling a little more clear headed and confident in my decisions.
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As someone who's mother is also in very poor health and requires 24/7 care, I really empathize. My parents are retired so my father is my mother's primary caregiver, but I nonetheless feel a lot of pressure/guilt about not spending more time helping him to support her.
I think the option of long term acute care, if available to your mom, sounds like it would be best for everyone involved. In a long term care setting, your father, you, her sister, and others who love and care about her can go an be family, friends, etc and not have to focus on the day to day care that can become so hard on family. At that point, your visits (one week a month is generous) can be about supporting your father, spending quality time with your mother, and maybe you can even bring your 3 year old so your mother has some time with her as well (my mother loves to see my 4 year old, even though my daughter is a little uncomfortable around her (the wheelchair, medicines, her difficulty speaking and eating, etc, is hard for her to understand).
I just came back from a 1 week family "vacation" with my mother and father and extended family and it is definitely a real test to sobriety! Take care of yourself and your immediate family, and do your best to not feel bad about the pressure you get from other family members - who no doubt want the best for your mother but don't have a complete understanding of your situation.
Best of luck to you,
I think the option of long term acute care, if available to your mom, sounds like it would be best for everyone involved. In a long term care setting, your father, you, her sister, and others who love and care about her can go an be family, friends, etc and not have to focus on the day to day care that can become so hard on family. At that point, your visits (one week a month is generous) can be about supporting your father, spending quality time with your mother, and maybe you can even bring your 3 year old so your mother has some time with her as well (my mother loves to see my 4 year old, even though my daughter is a little uncomfortable around her (the wheelchair, medicines, her difficulty speaking and eating, etc, is hard for her to understand).
I just came back from a 1 week family "vacation" with my mother and father and extended family and it is definitely a real test to sobriety! Take care of yourself and your immediate family, and do your best to not feel bad about the pressure you get from other family members - who no doubt want the best for your mother but don't have a complete understanding of your situation.
Best of luck to you,
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Well, leaving to go back to see mom this afternoon. My plans are to be there until Saturday. I will be going it alone and it will be tough. The latest is that she has become even more incoherent and at sometimes even violent. At least the last time(s) I was up there i had my brothers for support. Now it will just be me. The doctors still have not decided if she will go to the LTCF or to hospice. My feeling from speaking with all parties is that she does not have much longer. She is in quite a bit of pain as they are trying to wean her off the morphine a bit so that she can "declare" herself. (state if she wants to go into hospice or to continue to try curative methods). I don't see her ever getting strong enough to try anything curative, and her cancer is spreading at a rapid pace. Anyway, please keep me and my family in your prayers this week. I think I will need all of the strength I can get to deal with this situation all on my own.
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I think sometimes family tries to do whats best for family members in need because they feel indebted to them. I also think that its not fair to any family members to feel trapped by a decision that is not made in a family as a whole.
It sounds to me that your Mother needs round the clock professional care --preferably a nursing home or some such facility.
When my Grandmother was dying, my Aunt cared for her day in and day out until she passed. But looking back, maybe we should have had someone come in a few times a week to check on things. I remember walking in the door and the smell of sickness filled the air. I can't say if her personal hygene needs were being met. I think my Aunt was more lienant with her because it was her mother. It was not a professional relationship.
Don't feel guilty about your decision. If something happened when you were caring for her then you'd hear about it from others forever. I'd bow out and suggest alternate care options to your family.
Wishing you peace and strength.
It sounds to me that your Mother needs round the clock professional care --preferably a nursing home or some such facility.
When my Grandmother was dying, my Aunt cared for her day in and day out until she passed. But looking back, maybe we should have had someone come in a few times a week to check on things. I remember walking in the door and the smell of sickness filled the air. I can't say if her personal hygene needs were being met. I think my Aunt was more lienant with her because it was her mother. It was not a professional relationship.
Don't feel guilty about your decision. If something happened when you were caring for her then you'd hear about it from others forever. I'd bow out and suggest alternate care options to your family.
Wishing you peace and strength.
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Thanks guys! She made it to the Long Term Care Facility and is going through some withdrawals (smoking and pain meds) and is a raving maniac. See my latest blog entry if you want some sordid details. Anyway, she is sleeping now and I still have no desire to drink. I know I am going back home on Saturday (as was my firm plan) and feel comfortable about my decision. I'll worry about the next portion of this trip (if she actually makes it home and what care she might need there) when we get to that. So, holding strong right now. Would appreciate continued prayers... they really do work. Much love to all.
JBB
JBB
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Back home all and made it without booze. Mom seems to be making progress at the LTCF. My hope is that she can find some inner peace and enjoy what time she has left with her family instead of drowning in fear, rage and depression. I guess the next few weeks/months will determine that. Thanks so much for all of the prayers. You all have been wonderful and the reason I was able to make it through.
On a different note, I got slammed by a massive unexpected trigger though, the airport! My flight home had a 3 hour layover and less than a month ago I would have spent those hours drinking away at the airport bar. I was beside myself! I actually walked into the bar once but was able to turn around. I ended up leaving the airport entirely and made myself walk around outside and then go back through security! By the time I did all of that, my flight was boarding. Close one though.
On a different note, I got slammed by a massive unexpected trigger though, the airport! My flight home had a 3 hour layover and less than a month ago I would have spent those hours drinking away at the airport bar. I was beside myself! I actually walked into the bar once but was able to turn around. I ended up leaving the airport entirely and made myself walk around outside and then go back through security! By the time I did all of that, my flight was boarding. Close one though.
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