rorty

Let me preface this rant by saying that I just don't understand it but I recognize its beyond my control so... I just let it slide off my back.

My recently ex-recovering alcoholic girlfriend called me on the phone tonight. We spoke for about two hours. I am still really good to her. I let her talk out her emotions and I don't pass judgement. It was a disappointing call.

Well, apparently she thinks its a great ******* idea to go clean out her room with her ex-ABF (before me), he is still an alcoholic. The same ex who enabled her, who got her hooked on coke, who hit her, got her arrested; all of that drama. Now they are "friends." The scum drama that he brings to her life intoxicates it with a mix of pleasure and pain for her. She keeps going back to it, she is obsessed with it. That is the person who she is asking to help her clean out her place. Not her mom, not her counselor, not her "normal" (non-party friends), not me, that dude.

Alright, so be it. I guess recovery is a pretty confusing place to be.

MTSlideAddict

That had to be tough phone call for you. I'm sorry. You are right, though. "So be it" is the right way to look at that situation. It doesn't look like a good idea from my point of view, but she has made the decision to reconnect with her ex-ABF.

Keep your head up, and focus on you.

rorty

I have perpetually hoped that recovery would pry this ******* out of the picture. Some people just go for that though, they thrive in a self-destructing atmosphere. It's what she knows and what she chooses. Maybe its time I accept it and cut the sympathy ****. Not to act out of spite, but from the position of detachment. The bottom line is this: one day I will find that girl who is perfect for me and she will appreciate me for being a thoughtful, considerate, moral man.

TakingCharge999

It seems like you also liked self destructing atmospheres but you are done. Good for you rorty. If she is not done yet, its ok. We all pay, sooner or later, as Melody Beatty says.

Its a compliment not to be appealing to a starving wolf. It means you are no longer a sheep, willing to be picked up just so the wolf gets all the energy and life source from you... perhaps you became a tiger and now are wandering in a forest, without caring anymore for sheep, nor for wolves. That was your past life but today its a new one and no one sees you as prey anymore

but might I suggest letting go of ideas of perfection or containers for people? you will meet lots of new women that will bring wonderful things to your life and appreciate you for who you are.. some may last a moment or some years or a lifetime, like that other post said (as friends, too) and maybe you meet someone so special that will be all you wish and more... but one day you will have to let her go, too.

After all "we are always alone" regardless of marital status... investing in your own life, interests, health, joy will guarantee peace regardless of who else is in your life at a specific moment....

Ok I have read too many Zen books lately...

LaTeeDa taught me its about surfing the waves and enjoying each one, not about having a set inflexible idea about how stuff "should be" then suffer or postpone happiness until it happens... no sir, life is what it is, you either live in your fantasies or hopes, or walk down here on planet Earth...

I'll stop talking now.. HUGS!

rorty

One thing that I am deeply internalizing through Al-anon is self-love through a higher power. I am just discovering mine.

I've never felt victimized by her nor unloved. But she is extremely volatile right now. I'm not here to define her, defend her, nor justify her choices, all of which convey a desperate state of mind. Rather I simply feel that the values of detatchment and higher power are growing inside me at an exponential rate. I am learning to love myself, truely love myself, and I see how valuable I am as a human being.

So, as much as I can, I will detatch with love, not be sucked in, and turn all of this over to my higher power.

SoaringSpirits

Yay rorty!

MTSlideAddict

Way to take care of you!! Great thought process on this one. Keep up the great steps.

m1k3

Good job dude.

Keep up the good work.

Your friend,

TakingCharge999

What a great post!!

rorty

Big thanks to everyone for your kind words. Right now I am reading through the big Al-anon Traditions book. I'm not deep into it nor do I have a sponsor yet, but I can feel the power of the program taking root and changing me on the inside. I will be doing a 12-step recovery program soon.

>> Something that I worry about is recovering too well. I don't want to forget how much my ex means to me. At the same time my higher power is offering me an incredible amount of healing from my ex to long term personal issues.

Today I found myself engaged in really fun conversation with a pretty girl from across the street. I thought to myself, damn, this is something that I have missed. I think I may ask her out . For once I spent the afternoon relishing in a good vibe and not trying to "think positive thoughts" about my ex.

I must continue on my own path. I am still mourning that relationship; I still have hope for that truly amazing woman; I am constantly reminded of how very very very long this process will take.

Thanks for listening

grateful101010

Dude, this chick sounds like a psycho drama queen. They're damaged, they're addicted, it's sad, they're everywhere. Are you a saviour of lost sheep? No, you're just a guy. You can't help her or any of them.

If you have teeth, a car, and a job, you'll get another woman. Pick one who doesn't need your help. Maybe she won't be "perfect" as you say, maybe she'll be a bit bossy, or 10 lbs. overweight, but at least she'll offer you a smile, a laugh, love, and fun, with no drama.

rorty

In talking about my feelings through these posts I am finding is that my definition of recovery has become "developing a very deep compassionate love of oneself." I can't blame her for my emotions. Getting another girl, leaving California, getting a new job, etc. are all fun, great, wonderful things. But I see my problematic emotions, feelings, and insecurities following me through all endeavors unless I learn how to love myself now.

Seren

((rorty)) You ARE valuable as a human being!!!! I'm so glad to hear that you feel that and believe it!

StarCat

This is how you know you're working a good, solid recovery plan.
Good for you!
Go find yourself first, and once you have, you will find everything else in the right time and a healthy place.