MaryGoRound

I am not going to contact this person.
This person is a phantom of my mind and someone I will soon forget.
I will post here every five seconds if I have to, just to curb that voice that pops up and says " oh, what will a little check in hurt?"

It's scaring me, because I really let this go for a good year. Prolly because I was very obsessed with job hunting..And now...
My work is busting my ass and I need to make some changes. This has to be why I want a distraction. Also I was seeing other people, things were interesting. I'm not happy. I need to make changes. I need to be comfortable with sitting with myself, temporarily scared and feeling worried because I'm not sure whats next. How can so many things in life go in different directions than what was planned? What's next? Am I going to be alone constantly because I'm so tired from working myself into the ground that I fall asleep everytime I sit down?

Ah. I feel better. Those thoughts scare me. Because it brings me seconds away from contacting! Breaking no contact is not only bad because u get stressed w
During the engagement, but also after it's like you have get it out of you system again.

That damn face keeps popping up. And "the good times" hahaha.
I read this forum and there are so many similarities, so many commonaliies between all of us and I say to myself.. I don't want to be like that.

But this habit of needing to reach out to a broken person when I am uncomfortable for whatever reason ( it's honestly the fact that I'm exhausted and don't want to do laundry or cook... And then start this all over again..) is perverse and completely immature. I'm going to be fine. Something about this time of year... I panic. It's really weird. I know I mentioned it in another thread..the other thing I can think of is I had a death in the family and lots of shot hit the fan around this time when I was a child.

Maybe part of me remembers that. Maybe it's the seasons changing, bit it's this feeling of o ****, what's gonna happen now.. Better hold on tight. And I. This case, better resubscribe to that familiar pattern that gives me a false sense of stability...

Dk if that makes sense...but sure beats hanging on the edge of my seat waiting for a response if a certain someone is dead or alive...

Freedom1990

Those two sections really caught my eye.

My pattern for years was to reach out and select the sickest ones when I was at my most vulnerable, that whole knight in shining armor thing. The problem was I picked the ones with rusty buckets on their heads!

HALT...are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Being tired was always a trigger for me, that and lonely too. Get a combination of those, and uh oh for me!

I was a slow learner for sure. It took 13 long miserable years after I had left the EXAH to finally start getting it as far as codependency recovery was/is concerned.

You are so much further ahead than I was. Take heart in that!

Sending you hugs of support!

LifeRecovery

I think time frames can play a role. Last week was a year since my ex and I separated. I was pretty surprised by how hard it was for me though I feel I have been healing fairly well.

Not directly related to A, but just my two cents.

I moved west from New England 13 years ago. Every fall, without fail I get homesick. I mean really homesick. I love the fall in New England and the funny part is it catches me unaware every time. I think I have gotten "past" it one year and then something will happen.

I agree with Freedom about HALT but I know for me certain times of year set me up.

Babyblue

This post was very helpful Mary. I know that feeling. Trying to stay busy, distracted, anything to avoid 'thinking' about the person. Then a moment of quiet and I'm back to square one.

Too bad you didn't live closer so we could help one another! You seem to be doing great. I also identify with that feeling 'lost' sense I have sometimes. What is next? Almost like I need the drama to make me feel more vibrant, need to be helpful in order to express my feelings. "He neeeeeeeeeds me!!"

Otherwise I feel like the old lady who lives in the woods. Isolated. But I try to reach out to people who are near me, people who can be there.

Glad posting this worked for you Mary.. you are so self aware. Weekends are tough for me because my parents fought like cats and dogs so school was my sanctuary. Now a weekend comes and I tinge of dread. Funny how this stuff manifests itself in our adult lives.

caughthiminject

I hear you, I hear you! I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about being sad and lonely without him. How will I live? It would be so easy just to forgive him and pretend that it's all fine... only it's not fine. I know at some point in the future, today is going to look silly. One day I'm going to be happy again and I'm going to wonder why I was ever sad.

nerdygirl

While the future is always unknown and scary, it's exciting too. Who knows what new people you might meet and where? Who knows where you'll live and what kind of job you might have? Think of this as a new beginning. A fresh start. A time to recreate yourself any way you choose. It's all about YOU and your choices. You can do whatever you want. You can be superwoman!

MaryGoRound

Thanks for the responses guys! I didn't expect to get so many responses, because it was so stream of consciousness...

Yeah Blue, i know what you mean. Maybe once the summer is over part of me that remembers starting to have to be stuck indoors more with my destructive familiy...lol.

Yeah Anvil I know for a fact its not about them, I didnt really miss him this past year..lol I was all miss turn on ur heels and never look back. So that's whats blowing my mind. I really fell off the wagon very suddenly.

Caughthim Yeah, I guess its always a choice to keep moving, forcing to think about other things. I'm embarrassed that I slipped back up after seemingly letting it go so strongly.

I know I have to work extra hard to keep myself engaged. Its kind of hard becuase my job is killing me! I actually fell asleep with my phone in my hand after posting that, lol. Sometimes I fall asleep before I have enough time to make dinner etc. Because I work on my feet all day and lifting heavy boxes, installing shelves, etc. plus such weird and inconsistent hours..I'm all screwed up. And most of the time I just want good rest. My laundry piles up and I have to force myself to cook meals. Sounds silly, but for some reason self-care is so tough for me. Its a constant battle. Taking care of someone else feels so much more natural, so its just going against the grain with day to day stuff.

I'm glad I'm going through this though now. I wouldnt want to have a husband and child AND THEN learning to be self sufficient.

Free- I think about HALT alot. And you were spot on with this one, since I passed right out. I laughed when I read ur response, because you couldnt have been more right lol ...I didn't even realize how tired I was.

And Life, There is something so triggering about time frames or seasons, its like getting a wiff of someone's cologne. For me my triggers are the fall, certain music, campus downtown Detroit where we met...Imagine that, meeting a drug addict in Detroit...I never knew drug addicts went to college and got A's, lol.....but I'd be lying if I said on some level I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

People used to watch us verbally spar in class...It actually was kind of funny, almost like something out of a movie. It was like a match meeting lighter fluid from the start lol, and not in a good way.

Ugh I was nineteen! I can't believe this isn't a distant, distant memory by now.

Thanks for the support, as always. I have more to say about self-care, but I'm posting that in my other thread for cynical to see. I wish we could have a convention of some sort!