TakingCharge999

We went to a posh area to see an apartment... we saw it...we left.. I was starving... thought about going to a delicious Mexican restaurant (yes even here in Mexico we have Mexican restaurants... ironic)

Then I looked at my mom and she looked so abandoned.. broken tennis shoes shorts that didn't go with her way-too-oversized shirt... her hair was a mess.. no makeup... (her skin has dark spots from the sun)

I was ashamed to go into a restaurant with her, I knew everybody would be staring. So I preferred to drive home.

I feel sad and ashamed.

Today I was so stressed between work and stuff I had to do, and I realized how my mom leans way too much on me, when she can do stuff by herself. I exercised my right to say NO to some favors she asked, and I left home.

I am working from a Starbucks and feel better.
I feel ashamed about my behavior but more than that I feel sad.

She is a 63-year-old-woman who still doesn't take care of herself.
She says she will "start living" now.

In therapy I realized how she always masked her depression with "tiredness". As I went out today, 20 years later, I overheard her saying "Today I will rest all afternoon and sleep".

I almost broke down crying but I had to focus on my job.
I realized as well, how little she supports me.

Since I was a kid I was the one doing stuff on my own and learning things alone. So this knee issue I have has made me realize, its not that I'm not feeling supported nowadays, its that I had 2 absences in my life, physical absence (or intermittent physical presence)+emotional absence from my dad (which taught me neither my feelings or opinion mattered)

AND

physical presence but emotional absence from my mom.



So I have NEVER been supported as any girl/woman should, in a more or less sane way.

You know what else? as a kid and growing up I ALWAYS fell to the floor. INEVITABLY. We all thought it was because I was dumb or
distracted. Turns out the way I walk has never been ok. That is why the knees are worn. And no one realized it was not normal to be falling so much. Ok now I want to cry.


Realizing all this... hurts, but I also feel some healing going on in terms of accepting my parents and their mistakes. And the why's of my own decisions. And also I am realizing my strength.


But I still feel bad about my mom and not wanting for people to judge her. Then realizing I am judging her too. But look matters right? I am of the idea that it doesn't, but here in this city, I have learned it DOES matter, its just social convention.



Thanks for letting me vent about this stuff here.


PS My mom decided not to live here, after all. She is traveling to another state in a few days.

Freedom1990

I don't get the whole looks matter thing. Of course I am not talking of some piggish person who never bathes and wears dirty clothing.

My preferred dress is blue jeans and oversized baggy t-shirts. It's comfortable. Neither of my daughters have ever judged me for the way that I look.

Most of the time I do wear makeup, but the times I haven't, they haven't judged me.

Each time that I had my major surgeries I had to dress in sweat pants because of the incisions, and I sure wasn't up to putting on makeup for a couple of weeks.

Amber never minded taking me places when I looked like that.

Both of my daughters enjoy spending time with me, though I don't see my AD that often because of her chosen lifestyle.

So pardon me if I seem ignorant of your culture because I just don't get the whole looks thing.

TakingCharge999

Thanks SR friends,

Freedom its not "oh she is not in the latest fashions, shame shame let's never get out" ...her clothes ARE dirty... she owns ONE old bra....she has taken stuff from other people's trash... its very sad to write this. Its far away from wearing sweatpants or not wearing makeup ...

In Mex city where I come from looks matter less, everyone is busy, hurried etc but in this city looks are way more important. I don't know why. (This is where current Miss Universe is from). If I go out without much care, etc people treat me differently than when I take my time. I have tested this theory many times. Shouldn't be like that but people are rude here, sweep you from head to toe, I guess I am more aware of looks here... (this is also a plastic surgery mecca and fashion industry mecca..)

Not to say she has to become like women here but.. I guess you agree with me she is not normal or when you go out feeling ill or so... (I tend to the hippie style if I am not going to work.. )

Her car is totally abandoned... I recall an ex was shocked when he saw her car... ok, if its not the newest or has details or so... OK... but totally abandoned? note, she has A LOT of money from my dad now. She won't fix the car anyway. Not paint or external stuff- not even the gears and stuff that need to be fixed so as not to leave her stranded-


Before I was born she was a stewardess, she was invited to model for Vogue, and resembled an Italian Miss Universe, honest. I don't know what happened. Can post partum depression last.. a lifetime???

She has beautiful dresses. She never uses them.

Her therapist (when she went) told her she didn't want anyone to notice her.

I was pondering about this in the afternoon and realized- its not the car- its not the clothes- its not the makeup. Its her total abandon and apathy for life that is sad. She quacks and promises change. That "its a new life" for her. (OMG my XABF was the perfect combination between my dad and my mom, no wonder disentangling has been so messy.)

Depression IS lethal. I see how I can totally become like her again. I isolate way too much. This is a huge mirror HP is placing infront of me. Its difficult to see.

anvilhead, you are right, God bless her..... she has done the best she could.... I appreciate your post. One of my issues is that I am independent too and its SO DIFFICULT for me to ask for help or trust anyone. How did you remove the pattern of not being able to have others do nice things for you?



Thanks for letting me "talk" about this here.
My days have sucked but finally I went boxing.
I feel much better now.