lifegoeson

today started off horrible. my boyfriend wouldnt get up and help me with the my 2 kids and our one. he finally got up after we left to do running around. his things is now that we stress him out. well mainly my two kids do. in my head im thinking i don't know if i can be with him anymore through his recovery. im getting irrated that he doesnt help or involve himself with the family. its always about him going out and being on his phone like usaul. its really seems like nothing has changed since he has been clean. i asked him to give our 7 month old a bath before he left. he complained cause he was gonna get wet before his N/A meeting like really.. it dryes your not the wicked witch. so i did it..cause he is was making me mad. then i asked him before he left to get me a soda cause i have no vehicle since he is taking mine. he complained. i understand he is a addict but why cant he do anything. why cant he just help me.. or ask if i need him. with OUR family. im so sick of him not being around.. i guess im just venting today. i been holding in alot. and i really don't know who else to come to so i came here and maybe someone can help me with all of this. i know he is a addict and their selfish.. will it ever get better will he ever care for us?

dollydo

Why wasn't he at work?

lifegoeson

he doesnt work.. he hasnt worked he says it will trigger his addiction.. and they way he puts it is that the pills gave him energy and now that he is clean he has none. but he can go out and do what he wants to do whenever and have energy for that.

Freedom1990

That's the biggest load of crap I've read in awhile here at SR.

I landed a job within a week after getting out of rehab. It was time to grow up, for Pete's sake!

What are you getting out of the relationship besides frustration and anger?

lifegoeson

you know what i really dont know what i am getting out of staying with him.. and you right im just getting fustrated and angry. i always thought of myself as a fixer, i find people and when im ready i break up with them and they are a better person makes no sense i know.. but its true.. no im in this relationship and it makes me seem like i need the fixing this time. i guess to be honest i been thinking alot this situation im in and why im in it and i cant answer any of it.

lifegoeson

im so lost.. i have no idea what to believe and who to believe.

lifegoeson

yeah thats what my parents are saying i had my first child at 16 and now i have 3 children and they been supporting me and now he comes along and he got use to everyone doing for us that he doesnt want to.. and thats his excuse now is the pills

Kindeyes

I'm sorry this has been a rough day. When you go back and read your post, it truly sounds as though you have four children.....not three.

That's very much the way it was with my ex after I had our son. I suddenly realized that I was the only adult in the house. The only one with income. The only one who didn't get high all day (besides the baby of course). The only one who would do anything around the house. Didn't take long for me to realize that life without him would be better than life with him.

And it is......and has been for the last 28 years.

It's hard to realize that we have choices sometimes......but we always do.

Thinking of you today.

gentle hugs
ke

lifegoeson

your right i kinda do have four. i have been thinking the best thing for me to do is tell him to leave but its like he is getting better and im stuck i wanna see if it can change. im guessing thats my heart talking that he will change for the better.. no one knows though.

newby1961

I feel for you and all that I can really say without trying to be to judgmental about this is we are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are with someone and they are bringing us down its not their fault they are doing the best they can with what they have, its ours cause we keep putting up with it.

I was in a similar situation for 7 years except his was alcohol & crack.

Unfortunately he let his disease take him out, and he died about 10 or so years ago cause he just wouldn't stay stopped.

Addiction is a family disease and sometimes the person who isn't the addict has more problems, cause the addict has AA or NA and unless you go to Alanon or Naranon you don't have anywhere to go to deal with all the anger & frustration.

I'm glad you found SR

lifegoeson

yes it seems to help at the time but just putting it in motion when the problems come up is the hardest thing for me cause im not use to it. im getting there and soon i can hopefully start making the right decisions.

Freedom1990

He's not bringing in any income, and can't even help bathe his own son. How is that getting better?

I was a single mom of an 8-year-old when I got out of rehab, there was no sofa to park my butt on and take a little vacation. I had to rely on myself and fast.

No self-respecting man sits around saying that work is a "trigger." He'd be busting his butt, even if it's flipping burgers, to pay his own way, not to live off of someone else's parents.

I'm sorry, but the dude is a leech in my eyes.

lifegoeson

your very true. i tend to find those alot. thank you for being so honest and telling me how it is..my mother always did that and hearing it from her well shes my mom.. but from someone that just reads what i feel and all it helps alot thank you!

Freedom1990

I do know how you feel, and I was married to one like that! Out of the five years we were together/married, he had one job, and that only lasted 2 weeks.

You deserve so much better, and so do I!

You won't find a man camped out at my place sucking me dry in every way possible!

I've worked very hard on myself, and have come too far to settle for less than I deserve just for the sake of having a warm body next to me at night.

Take care of yourself and start making baby steps towards getting rid of the albatross around your neck, hon!

lifegoeson

thank you very much. i know i do deserve better i had better with my ex husband and i went to him. slowly but surely i will get to the point i need to say i had enough.

artist83

If anything, having a job would keep him away from drugs - he wouldn't be sitting around all day feeling sorry for himself if he was actually doing something constructive. And you didn't create a child on your own, so why should you be the only one responsible for caring for your son? Yes, addicts in recovery do need to focus on recovery, but they also have obligations to their families as well. He needs to understand that he has a responsibility to care for and provide for his son, and that is just as important as his recovery.

My bf is an addict, but I do NOT and will NOT support him financially. If he doesn't help me with the bills, groceries, etc, then he'll be sleeping outside without food. How does your bf pay for the cell phone that he is always yapping on if he doesn't have a job? How does he get to his meetings? Oh yeah, he uses YOUR car that YOU filled up with gas. And I'm assuming he's eating what you bought with your money and sleeping inside a home that you are paying for by yourself.

He is using you, that's all there is to it. And he will continue to do so until you cut him off. Don't let him use your car, don't pay for his cell phone, and if he's hungry, tell him to get a job and buy his own groceries. Tough love hon, tough love. Maybe he'll start acting like a man if you aren't taking care of him anymore.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now and I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt with my response, but it really angers me that your bf is taking advantage of your love for him and pretty much abandoning his own child. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to have a child because of my heart condition, and it infuriates me when someone has a child and neglects him/her. You on the other hand are doing everything in your power to take care of your children, and that is what parenthood is all about.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch,

dollydo

I agree with the others, what a crock of dog duty.

Ok, so what about you? Is there some reason you don't work and take care of yourself?

What are you doing to become self sufficent? Being responsible for ones self is a very important life lesson to teach your children.

Until you get yourself together and start working on your codependency, nothing will change.

lifegoeson

well.. im a stay at home mom since i had my youngest daughter. i was going to school online but i took a semester off. with all the craziness that has been going on. i clean my neighbors house and take care of his cats for money until he gets back from deployment.. just trying as hard as i can to do something useful with my life.