veryregretful

Long.

I got an email over the weekend from from mother-in-law. STBXAH's mom.

It was 4 pages long! Basically, it said that I never treated her son with respect. Or showed him love. Left him out of all the desicions, ie, bills, kids having sleep overs,etc. Basically blaming my children for how depressed he is because they haven't shown him love. She told me to stop my Hitler ways. lol

She put in the email about 10 times about how she doesn't want to see him in a casket and it's not because of physical sickness. That he is so down and feels unloved that he might take his life.

My kids do love their dad but do not talk to him when he has been drinking. Do not like the verbal abuse towards me and sometimes towards them. They do talk to him when he is not drinking but not too much because he mood changes very often.

I can't make them go up and hug him. I can't make them talk to him. They are 16. I think they can make up their own minds. My MIL wants me to make the kids hug him, talk with him, etc. My STBXAH tell my children how bad a person I am and what I have done to him. Yes, I've done some things but I don't think the children should know. Just like I need to tell the kids specifics about what he has done. I tell them that dad is an alcoholic and we are having problems. The both know I'm seeing a divorce lawyer. my AH tells me he wants to know that he is right and I am wrong.

I cannot believe that she sent me this. Throught the last few years she has acknowledged he is an alcoholic and is "mouthy" and wouldn't be able to stay with a husband like that. I know blood is thicker than water but I can't believe she is believing his lies.

I don't think I want the kids to have a relationship with her after the divorce because in the email she thinks my daughter will end up pregnant and my son will get beat up because she thinks that I just threw up my arms and let the kids do what they want. Absolutely not true. I may not ground them but I am honest and they are pretty honest to me about things that are going on. They are pretty open to me with their lives. I try to advise when needed and hopefully I'm guiding them in the right direction.

She has abused her kids verbally and physically and I would never be able to do that with my kids. I think that is the way my husband thinks. They way his mom did. He is not physical but very verbal. My MIL, when her husband left, put in the kids heads what he did, who he did it with, how bad he was, etc. My STBXAH hasn't seen his father since he was 13. He hates him. I don't want my children to be with her and have her fill my kids heads with nonsence. I feel that if she were to degrade me to my kids that would be verbal abuse just like she did to her kids. Am I wrong?

Thanks again for reading. I just had to get that off my chest.

During our marriage me and her got along great. Never a problem and when I didn't like what she said I said I don't like that.

Do I just block her from my email? Refuse her calls? I don't know what to do with this.

I know it's her son but these are her grandchildren.

I'm lost on this one.

Freedom1990

No you are not wrong. That is verbal and emotional abuse.

It irks me no end when adults try to use kids as pawns in their emotional games.

I think you are wise to block her.

Sending you hugs of support!

DaveO

Well at least you have 2 ears, so you can let her bull go in one ear, and out the other.

Block the emails

Thumper

You are under no obligation to communicate with her what-so-ever. You don't need her abuse, accusations, or threats. Who does?

I would totally ignore her for the time being. I wouldn't respond to that email or take any calls. Avoid the pointless and soul sucking drama that any type of conversation is bound to create. No contact works for lots of people/relationships!

stepsforward

I had to change my phone number and I am never in my MIL presents. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I am in recovery and there isnt anything I can do if you she isnt. Please take care of yourself. I wish I shut her out of my life long ago. She does see my kids occasionally but if she bad mouth me infront of them that would be the last time she would see them. They are teenagers now and I try to let them make there own choices. good luck to you

marie1960

veryregretful,

Your children are 16 now, in just two very short years they will be adults. IMHO step back and allow them to have their relationship. Often our kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for. Allow them to form their own opinions regarding their grandmother. I am assuming her nasty comments are directed at you and not to the kids. If the kids overhear her bad mouthing you that will only confirm what you already know, and you don't have to be the bad guy.

veryregretful

Thank you all for your responses. In her looong email to me she wasn't just accusing me. Also the kids. That is was there fault they weren't treating him like a father, showing him they love him, letting him in on what's going on in their life, etc. She said my son is basically wild and drinks and smokes and my daughter is "loose". And that I am Hitler.

It was all about us three. My STBXAH has told her how he percepts we treat him. How can we communicate with him when he goes down the basement and drinks and wants to smoke cigarettes because he can't smoke upstairs? His perception is way off. I'm kind of thinking he has some wet brain going on. He is 6 feet tall and now probably weighs about 118 pounds. He drinks beer and whiskey, smokes pot and butts. I don't think he gets the correct nutrition and often doesn't eat.

I have seen wet brain closely. In my family, my Aunt (my mom's only sister, we have a very small family on my mom's side. No contact with my dead AF side.) It's very sad. We found her on Long Island and we are from Mass. She lost a big chunk of her memory and can no longer take care of herself. It's very sad. I see a little bit of the way was before she took a turn for the worse in him. The paranoia is the worst.

I'm not going to reply to her email nor call her. I don't think I have to defend myself. I did call her the day I received the email but she was not home and I did not leave a message.

I most likely going to let the kids make their own desicions about talking with her. She rarely calls them so I don't think there would be much interaction. She does like to come over and have birthday cake with them so maybe she can do that. I only have to do that once a year cuz they are twins. lol

You are absolutely right, kids are smarter than you think. I just look at my daughter and what she has said and it opened my eyes. I should take some lessons from her. lol

veryregretful

I wish I could go no contact with my STBXAH now! But as he is living in the basement at the moment that's kind of hard. We don't talk at all. He just texts me and I answer yes or no or i dunno. lol

And for after the divorce, I'm not sure he will be the father that would visit his kids. I think he would just go off and drink and feel bad for himself and not see them.

marie1960

You are the winner of the " over protective, my son can do no wrong award" your mother-in-law sounds like a nut job. You know it and soon your kids will realize it too. Just a matter of time.

Can't see your husband getting better anytime soon, as mommy is coddling and enabling to no end.

I truly am sorry for what you have endured. Hope you and your kids find the peace you each deserve.........

p.s. does wet brain have a medical name ? The reason I ask, I had an uncle who they say went insane from drinking and my mom called it by something I never heard of. Wonder if it's the same thing? I only ask, as I read old medical journals and the terminology used way back as well as diagnosis is surreal...

p.s.s. I agree with you you are not obligated to respond to her email. Truly she has no idea what you have been living. If she did she would not be so self rightous.

LifeRecovery

I have struggled with this also.

What helped me was to remember that denial was a part of my life for so long. I can't imagine ever going back to that place, but many of my friends, family (especially his family) has not made it through that denial at this time.

I don't say this to make apologies or excuses for your MIL note. It just helps me to remember that not everyone is in the same place on the healing journey as I am.

Finally there is satisfaction in knowing that I DON'T have to interact like I did before with my A loved one, and many of the other family members have not gotten off the rollarcoaster ride. This is also where the Three Cs come in.

Best of luck to you.

veryregretful

Thank you for your response. My mother-in-law has no idea that she enables. Nor his twin brother. His brother will let him go over to his apartment and let my STBXAH husband drink till he passes out. My brother in law does not drink. He also goes and picks him up when he is too drunk to drive (sometimes). Most times he does drive drunk.

I have only told her that his drinking is getting worse and his mouth is getting worse also. I never told her specifics. I didn't think that she really needed to know the sick, disgusting filth that would come out of his mouth and the violent things he would do like punch the windshield of my car and break it. Punch holes in the walls. Things like that.

She suggested an intervention in her email. That myself and the kids do it. I'm past that now. I have asked for their help for years and no help. If she wants to do one fine.

The other name "wet brain" goes by is "WERNICKI - KORSAKOFF' Syndrome. Just of the top of my head. Because they drink so much and don't get proper nutrition they lose a lot of vitamin B. Which is needed in the front part of brain for memory and other things. My aunt was slowly getting wet brain but we, (my mom and sister) didn't know what was happening. We never heard of it. We just thought it was depression.

We never saw her drink alot when we saw her. She would have a glass of wine or two. That's it. It was when she got home she would drink herself silly.

For the years before we found her in Long Island she was becoming a hoarder. She would not let us in her condo for years. We hardly saw her. She was getting evicted from her condo and needed my help to pack up her stuff. I went in her condo and OMG it was just like what you see on TV. I had to call in my mom and sister and nephews to help me. There was old food out. Stuff everywhere, even in the two tubs. I don't think she had taken a shower in years. I think just sponge baths.

She was a very outgoing woman. She worked in the Airline Industry and traveled and had lots of friends, etc. But the drinking got the best of her.

We moved her to and apartment and we thought she was doing good. But then she stopped letting us in. Wouldn't answer the door. The airline forced her to retire. Then we got a call from Long Island and she was found lying on the floor in a house she was house sitting.

At the hospital when we first saw her, her eyes were going side to side involuntarily. She thought she was in Marco Island. She had no idea who any of us were. Her mind was back 30 years ago. Like dementia. It was so sad to see. When the doctor explained to us what happened we were kind of shocked. We didn't think she drank that much. Never saw her drunk. All she drank was wine. Alot of it. When we cleaned up her second apartment because she couldn't live on her own anymore all her wine bottles were lined up around the perimeter of the apartment. We think it was like a barrier in case anyone came in through a window or door the bottles would tip over and she would hear it. Paranoia set in big time.

It's been about 8 years now. She is 63. She is finally able to live in a over 55 apartment complex. She still can't function normally as an adult should. My sister goes over a few times a week to take her shopping, bathe her, etc. She has drank a couple times since she was found but now my sister gives her no money so she can't walk to the store to buy wine.

It's awful to see her like this. But there was nothing we could do. She hid it very well. Up until close to her breakdown I guess you call it we thought she was fine. No reason to be concerned.

She was a funny, vibrant, confident (so we thought) woman. Now she is a pathetic old woman who lost most of her teeth, won't bathe, doesn't make sense most of the time. Totally different person. It's so sad.

My STBXAH went through this all with us and knows the implications first hand of what can happen. But of course he is like it won't happen to me.

Also, at 48 my AF died of an anurysm (sp). He had many operations. cirrohsis of the liver, speen removed, diabetes. The anurysm was caused because he was drunk, fell down the stairs and got a brain bleed. Went into coma and died a week later.

Just wanted to give a little about wet brain and my experience. I know it's mean but I call my Aunt, my crazy aunt, when I speak of her. I have a heart but I don't feel bad for her. Maybe because of all the alcoholism in my life it makes me sad but I don't feel bad.

Enough typing. Boy, when I get going I type. Thank you again and that is the medical name for wet brain.

Freedom1990

There are so many horrible ways for an alcoholic to die. Your post reminded me of one uncle who was driving drunk with a drinking buddy of his, rolled the car on a winding road in Colorado, and died a few hours later at the hospital. I had another uncle who literally drank himself to death. It's all so sad, very sad.

veryregretful

I'll keep this short. lol

I understand that other people aren't in the same place as me. I have lived it for 23 years. They see once in a while. They will get there. In there own time. They are co-dependant also. I should give them my book to read. Codependant No More.

Even though he has been in the basement for almost four weeks and I'm not talking to him and he is angry with me when he talks to me and texts not so nice stuff to me he still asks me why am I mad at him. WTF? Don't he get it?????? I"ve told him. just not about the divorce yet. I nervous to.

LifeRecovery

I was working with a counselor and was asking a lot of about my then fiance's drinking behaviors. I even had him come in for a couple of sessions with me. It did not trigger concerns with my counselor at the time, or enough with me to reconsider my relationship.

We got married

Two weeks later the drinking escalates and myself nor my counselor can no longer deny that this is normal behavior.

I have been holding onto anger, frustration etc now for over six years about this. I finally shared with another counselor (who is much better versed in A treatment) about my anger. It was amazing for me that when I talked about it and when I realized how "baffling, cunning and confusing," addiction can be for all involved it helped me to forgive, my original counselor, but also myself for not "doing" something about it earlier.

That has been a relief for me. I can now see why my exMIL does not want to move past her denial, why my family is stuck in the codie/addict cycle etc.

There are so many layers, both to myself and to my healing. I have to remind myself that just because I am uncovering something I have previously dealt with, does not mean that I did something wrong the first time....just that I am ready to go deeper this time. I am like an artichoke, peeling off one layer at a time until I get to the heart of me.

I think that is the part I related to in your post.

wellnowwhat

There are so many layers, both to myself and to my healing. I have to remind myself that just because I am uncovering something I have previously dealt with, does not mean that I did something wrong the first time....just that I am ready to go deeper this time. I am like an artichoke, peeling off one layer at a time until I get to the heart of me.

Wow.

I've heard the artichoke analogy before, but not so eloquently. Thank you. This really resonates!