doonya

My youngest son is now married to an addict whom he met while she was pregnant, homeless and clean. That was over three years ago. He had money and helped her get a place to live, get into school twice (she quit both times) and has been with her ever since. Her son was born and when the baby was 9 months old, she relapsed. Since that relapse she has been using steadily, stolen or used up all his money, walked out of 5 or 6 rehabs and has one felony record and many public intoxication arrests … and just recently has lost her son. My son had/has no rights to the child since it is not his, although he single-handedly raised the baby from the day of the child's birth.
I too was hopeful that giving her every opportunity to want to stop using would tip the scales in a favorable direction. But she lost me when she couldn't quit even in the face of losing her child. He won't give her money for drugs, so she prostitutes herself when she "goes out." They have very little now and they are on public assistance in addition to him working long hours in a factory. She doesn't seem to care appropriately that the baby is gone. He says he "still has hope" and it is clear to me that he is learning how to set boundaries.
For reasons I do not understand, he won't go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. I help him out financially when he asks but have made it very clear that the money is for bills and never for his wife. He seems fine with that. Clearly, he is enabling his addict by providing a home for her. I'm sure co-dependence is an issue. She doesn't work - she quit one job and hasn't seriously attempted to work again. He is endlessly supportive of her efforts to get into rehab although she has never stayed more than three days. He won't bail her out of jail when she gets picked up and doesn't go looking for her (anymore). I have asked him if he is "addicted to his addict" and he always says no. He says that he is ready to walk-away but isn't going to do it yet. He is not an addict. Sometimes when I help him financially I feel as if I am enabling him to enable his addict. Then I get in trouble with my own head because he is a fine young man who simply will not give up. He has done nothing wrong other than be hopeful and supportive of someone whose life up until he met her was hell-on-wheels. I have recently tried to distance myself from her because she frightens me. But, they are married and it is extremely difficult to do that while maintaining a decent relationship with my son. It is causing me no end of heartbreak to navigate between the two of them. Am I too close? Too remote? Too helpful? Not supportive enough of her? Her mom walked out on her as a child and both her dad and her brother abused her, if she is telling the truth. She is in terrible shape emotionally and certainly looks to me as a mom. Where do I stand?
I have read tons of info here. I also know a bit about addiction because my dad was a 30-year recovered alcoholic whom I held up to my sons as a wonderful success story. I sometimes think that I may have led my kids to believe that that is common and easier than it really is and that is why my son remains so optimistic, but I was very proud of my father for doing that. I should add that I am the mother of three grown sons, and a widow. I care for my elderly mom here in my home completely by myself and sometimes find that pretty stressful. I need to firm up my place w/r to my son and his wife so that I can attend to my own life. Just can't quite figure out where that place is.

Ann

Your son sounds a lot like many of us, certainly me, who needed to try everything until we were exhausted and broken and could finally accept that nothing we did or did not do would change the addict until the addict was ready to change themselves. If she's still walking away from rehabs, she's not ready. Some are never ready, some make it back, we just never know how it will be or when.

You can't save her and you can't save your son from wanting to save her himself. It's how the dance of codependency works and in time, it wears us out.

Meetings helped me find my sanity and regain my balance. You may find they can help you too. Your life has been upset and changed because of addiction and you may be surprised how much they can help you.

I'm sorry about the child too, too often they are the innocent victims, and will keep your family in my prayers.

Hugs

doonya

I agree. There is an explanation (of sorts) for this. My husband died two years before my son finished high school. Three years later my (wealthy) father-in-law died as well and and my husband's portion of the inheritance went straight to my sons. When the youngest turned 18 he had plenty of money. He went to college for two years then switched to culinary school, and didn't finish when it came time to complete the non-culinary academic courses. Instead he went to work as a chef. I'm sure he did his turn with the "fast life" and did a turn with drugs but if he was ever in deep trouble in that regard he hid it so well that I and his brothers were never concerned. Then he stopped working altogether and spent his time alone but giving money to charitable organizations and had investments on which he lived. I know for certain that he was very lonely and unmotivated. Then he was assaulted by a gang and almost died. It was at just this point that he met his addict and subsequently became involved with her and the baby. It was the worst confluence of events I can imagine! After he had spent all of his money on her, he moved her to a very small town in another state in the naive hope that that would make it would harder for her to get drugs.The last of his money went to buy a house outright (she can't steal the house ... right?). He had never been without easy income. He had to learn how to manage little money and he is really trying. She has debts from dropping out of school which he feels responsible for and (I think) is still paying against my advice. She has court fines, bail debts, etc which he has slowly begun to refuse to pay. He only asks for and I can give him little. The addict is soaking up whatever extra he might have and he has to learn that he can't allow her to do that. If he is using drugs now, I, and the social workers who visited the house while the baby was still there and everyone else who is concerned can see no evidence of it at all. He is just now growing up. As a result of the assault he has no sense of smell so a culinary career doesn't appeal to him. I was pretty controlling of him after his father died and while he was under 18, because of my stupid fears that he would "go off the track" as a result of losing his dad. His brothers were both in college and it was just the two of us. I was working full-time to pay tuition bills for my other two sons and health costs related to my husband's illness. When he left home, I let go. He has told me recently that he thinks that every kid who loses a parent while in high school should receive counseling. I didn't do that. I feel awful about that and have apologized to all three of my sons for it. It's just life, and hind sight, and learning. My problem now is just trying to figure out how to relate to him and his wife. I love him dearly but she scares the hell out of me.

steve1840

hi doonya-

your post could have been written by my mother. from very early on five years ago, my mother, who is very accepting and easy going, did not like my gf. she was relieved when we broke up, but scared when we got back together. and for good reason. you son sounds much like me. if i had the means, i probably would have spent my money on my agf too. i did spend what little i had. your description of her and her actions firt my xgf perfectly. she never stayed more than three days, prostituted herself, stole, lied, everything. all through the past year of this i stayed ever hopeful that she would change. i enabled most of the time. even through the worst of the chaos i was there. i eventually turned cold but then felt guilty for it. she caught an infection in her hand and the surgeons were about to remove it it was so bad, but they tried an alternative that worked. she was more upset than i ever saw and swore she would stop, then she got someone to bring her drugs into the hospital. and she left early and was right back at it. finally three months ago she moved 7 hours away to get clean in an intensive outpatient program and was doing great for a month, then allowed herself to meet the wrong people and within 2 weeks was back at it again. again, i believed in her, but was finally opening my eyes. i wouldn;t go visit her because i knew she was using. she kept saying how much she loved me, but i found out she was doiing things for money wit hher roommate. i chalked that up to drugs, then she moved in with another guy unbeknownst to me as a bf/gf. she continued to say how much she missed me and loved me, but kept asking for money which i did not send to her. the calls and texts lessened. then most recently she moved in with one of his friends because he got tired of her stuff real quick. now she is living off someone else.

i would guess if your son was not helping her, she would be doing the same. o know exactly how your son feels. i became lost in the world of my addict. i was living vicariously through her. when she would disappear for a few days i was left without my fix of her and the lifestyle. i got used to living that way. i put her out a couple times only to take her back in. i really thought beneath all the addiction she loved me and wanted to live out our plans of a future together. i kept holding out hope. i don't know if i would ever have had the strength to cut the ties, but by the grace of whatever she did it for me. after she moved in with this new boyfriend, i have not heard from her. it suck, but it is best for me.

you son is stuck in the same place i have been. and dont think that there is not damage that comes with that. as my eyes are opening, i feel that i have suffered through something like post traumatic stress, like i was in battle, i have memories and scars. i realize i need help even though we have no contact. it is not until he is removed from it that he will see it all. i took over my parents house when they moved after retiring so i have an obligation and when they visit, i had to send her off. she felt that i chose my parents over her, maybe i did. but your son has his own place and is married, so there is no one else he has to abide by.

i din;t mean for this to be a ramble about me, but wanted to share that neither of you are alone. i am learning that the only way out is to get out. when i would put her out, it was the hardest thing i had to do in my life, but my boundaries are weak and i let her back and everything continued. He tells you that none of the money goes to her, but there is no way to be sure of that. i did my share of lying to help her. i always felt bad about it, but i lied to her parents more than once until i put my foot down on that one.

doonya

Sorry readers - "Nar-Anon", not "Narc-Anon". I knew it didn't look right

doonya